The Positive Journal - Day 267

I was gifted a journal called ‘The Positive Journal’, which contains techniques backed by science for using journaling to "increase gratitude, confidence, communication, meaning and purpose". This is supposed to create a “happier, more fulfilling life” with just 5 minutes a day of practicing the techniques and exercises provided in the journal.

This book came into my life, and my full-body response to it was “YES – I want to try this!”. I had been lying in bed the night before, feeling a bit lost, un-grounded, feeling as if there was not enough ‘Me/Self’ in my current living, creating the experience of ‘Life happening and moving all around me’, and me being on a ship going along with the currents, using everything of me to simply ‘stay afloat’.

The timeline within which this internal experience was created was that of moving from South Africa, my place of temporary residence, to Panama – my future permanent home. There was a lot of moving pieces involved in this move, and I had gotten to a point of peace when I realized I could not fight or control my reality, but sometimes, when working with a lot of others and moving pieces, one must let go of the reins a little bit, and simply go with the flow – because I was trying to control every aspect of the move, and was becoming too stressed and panicked when things would not move according to how I thought was best. I really had to learn to become more ‘responsive’ to external factors instead of being the sole driving force. So instead of controlling every aspect of every individual involved, I had to let go of control, observe, monitor and watch things play out around me, and step in where needed, rolling with the punches as I would be confronted with the errors of others, the timelines of others, the abilities of others and so on, while at the same time, making sure I was doing my part to the best of my ability.

Then I finally, after months of preparation, arrive in Panama, and BOOM – my reality changes entirely! This ‘go with the flow’, ‘let things play out as I monitor and direct’ strategy or way of being – is no longer what works! For a while I didn’t realize this, and felt totally turned upside down, floating, helpless and disempowered as the moving pieces in my reality were no longer ‘working together FOR ME’, but was now the already established lives of others, into which I was stepping and placing myself, requiring me to now re-assert myself within myself as the driver/creator of my space and place within an already established household.

And this is where I am using the journal I received as a gift in this particular moment of transitioning into this new position of Self and Life creation, where it is now time for settling in, finding my feet, planting my roots. And to do this I must within it figure out and get to know intimately Who I Am, what do I want to create here, for and as myself, but also within a group. Keeping in mind, with this journal, that everything I do, I integrate into and as my own living principles, wherein, for example, I redefine the journal as I use it in order to create an outflow that is best for me. So, instead of the journal’s title “The Positive Journal’, I am re-defining it to ‘My process Journal’. And when I read the every day exercises, I make sure that I have looked at each word and defined it for myself in awareness.

For example, the first day’s exercise is to write a few lines about my “decision to work on the 40 percent happiness in my life that is under my control” (the journal suggests that the other 60 percent is genetic, and circumstantial).

So I looked at the words: ‘decision’, ‘happiness’ and ‘control’.

I have already walked a process with the word ‘decision’, and I have a base for what it really means to make a decision, what my internal experience is like when I make a decision for real, and when I make a decision with a starting point of energy, like hope, fear, judgment etc. So for me, I took a moment with myself to make this decision, clear my expectations, the rush, and the rigidity of my past experience with the word decision, and also bring in the complimentary words of ‘commitment’, ‘structure’, ‘flexibility’ and ‘flow’.

And my answer was yes, I am deciding to do this, I commit to this decision, and within that, I understand the challenges that come with making a commitment. I will structure a time to practice my commitment, but I realize that I may not always be able to do it at that time. I have a job and a dog and other people in my world and a reality that is constantly changing, so I will be flexible with myself instead of trying to rigidly stick to the time slot I have decided upon, I will instead flow with my reality and adjust along the way. There may come a time when the journal no longer serves me as well as something else, and  may let it go for a bit and take on the new thing, or the journal may serve as a stepping stone to get me through this period, where I will move to something else, and perhaps only use the journal when I require some grounding and direction. In this, I see a decision is not a once-off thing, but something that must be decided upon again and again. Sometimes a re-assessment is needed, and the decision changes, it all depends on Self, one’s reason and starting point for making the decision.

For the word ‘happiness’  - for me this is not a useful word as how I had previously defined it, where ‘happiness’ is like this positive energy that one sits in. This is impractical for a plethora of reasons that is for another blog. I then looked at bundling a group of words together, such as ‘contentment’, ‘enjoyment’, ‘gratitude’, ‘fulfillment’, ‘purpose’, ‘effectiveness’ – and then placed the label of ‘happiness’ onto this bundle. But it wasn’t sitting right with me. So I decided to scratch the words ‘happiness’ and ‘positivity’ altogether, and simply call the journal ‘My Process Journal’, which includes redefining the first exercise as ‘my decision to walk this process’.

For “the 40 percent I can control” – I would like to challenge this statement, as I don’t think we are stagnant in terms of what percentage of ourselves and our lives we have ‘control’ over. I see it more as a skill that is developed and expanded upon, and not something to be limited by placing a belief upon what specific percentage we should strive to attain. And besides, life and self and one’s living and ‘control’ is too complex and dynamic to break down into clean and concise percentiles. I mean, do we measure it by time? By movements? By tasks? Already this becomes too vague and impractical, creating an opening for self-sabotage and also slight frustration and confusion within me. So, no…. just no.

For the words ‘control’ – I will also replace this word for the context, use and purpose of why I am using this journal. I will instead look at the words ‘Self-Directive Principle’ and ‘Self-Mastery’. These words are already a part of my desteni process, and so doesn’t require specific attention or to be separated out in any way here, and so I am leaving it out.

The end product of walking the process of re-defining my ‘Positive Journal’ for the first day’s exercise is:

“Write a few lines on my decision to walk this process”

-          Because I know I have more potential than what I am currently living

-          Because I have seen the consequences of living as the mind/continuing as I am or have been, and I would prefer to instead change and live in such a way where I CREATE, GROW, EXPAND, instead of diminish, limit and create destructive consequences.

-          Because I would rather walk/stand/live as a solution for and as myself and this world, instead of not changing and doing nothing in a statement of acceptance/allowance of the way things currently are, for myself and everyone else.

-          Because I cannot accept or allow the ways things currently are, within myself and in this world, and so in the end, there isn’t really a choice.

Day 16-does Changing My Environment Change Who I Am?

Recently I have had the opportunity to change environments three times and experience 4-5 different scenarios of people and interactions with both friends and family. I experienced small intimate groups, large formal groups, and large informal groups over the past week. What I realized was how much influence my environment has upon me, for example, with eating. I find when I’m in a big group and there’s lots of food out and it’s a ‘special’ event, I’ will just eat crap, eat too much and justify it with the excuse that it’s a ‘special occasion’ and I don’t eat like this all the time.

Currently, I have been involved in a lot of ‘special occasions’ all in a row, wherein I did not apply any self-will. When I look back over the past two years, I can see that I generally over eat all the time, and I also generally eat whatever I want, and cave in to cravings so long as they’re strong enough. What I’ve realized is that, I DO eat like this all the time, I’m only more extreme when it’s a special occasion, which is not a difficult justification to conjure up out of almost nothing.

What I’m saying is- the environment you exist within does not determine who you are and what you do. YOU are the one deciding. So anything which can be blamed on environment is an abdication of self-responsibility, and the fact of the matter is, it has been and will always be YOU/ME/US who is making the choices. It’s not the ‘special occasion’ that makes me over eat or eat crap; it’s who I am, it’s the choices I make because it’s what I really want. It’s a subtle addiction to the feeling of ‘fullness’. It’s a sugar addiction, it’s eating because I’m nervous, and it’s eating because of lack of will. It’s all of these things, and all of these things are NOT okay They are all physical actions which derive from emotional experiences, or which I do in order to manipulate my emotional experience- meaning, the way I feel inside is directing who I am, instead of ME directing myself. The way I feel inside is not a reasonable thing that has my best interest in any sort of alignment, nor does it take into consideration practical reality, for example, what my body actually needs, how much and when. Rather- it is based on emotional energy, and if I were to pursue it as if it was the ‘right’ thing to do, I would end up really obese (or rather- in self-honesty, slightly overweight) and probably diabetic if I went all out- so, I would be sick and unhealthy, uncomfortable in my body and probably very unsatisfied with myself and who am as a person. Whereas with self-direction, I act according to oneness and equality with myself, where there Is no part of me that is more powerful or weaker than another, such as addictions, habits, emotions etc… Rather, I am the directive principle of me, and I act based upon actual physical reality, not feelings and emotions, patterns and habits etc… and I align myself with what’s best for me as one and equal with all that’s Here, therefore I align myself with what’s best for all.

            Overeating and throwing away self-direction/self-will on a special occasion may not seem like such a big deal- as I have told myself within the process of justification, where I tell myself: “well, it’s just this once,” or, “I’m just enjoying myself with my friends and family.” These justifications may seem harmless, or even ‘right,’ but in reality, these small, seemingly minor decisions take place every day, hundreds of times by everyone, billions of people. Billions of decisions made in self-interest have created the world the way it is, a world of individuals who are in competition: survival of the fittest, absolute self-interest, which creates poverty for most, and abundance for the few.

In order for us to collectively STOP recreating this world of poverty, starvation and abuse, we have to stop making every little decision in self-interest where we consider only ourselves. So every little decision counts. The little decisions that we make subconsciously are indicative of who we really are at a fundamental level. When I throw away my self-direction and self-will when I use justification and excuses, I am making the statement to myself that I am less-than my habits, addictions and patterns; that my emotions and inner-experience dictate who I am; and that I do not have control/direction over myself, even in the most minor ways. We need to see, realize and understand that we can change this, we can document this change as proof, and then live the change so as to be an example of what is possible. This is where my earlier justification meets its polarity, now seeing the challenge as “too big,” and stopping before I even try to change with the excuse that “this is impossible.” But when I just stop justifying and instead actually try, the whole reality of the situation changes, because now there is nothing stopping me from realizing who I am, beyond self-interest, beyond addictions, habits and patterns, beyond self-created limitations and beyond what I have learned, or been taught what and who and how I am.

But, this can only go one way: one step at a time. So, this step, or this day (in this breath) I will forgive myself and release myself from one aspect or dimension of the belief that my environment determines who I am. This dimension consists of eating patterns, wherein I will use the excuse or justification that when it is a ‘special occasion’, I may eat whatever I want, despite any previous agreements I may have made with myself. I will release this pattern/habit/addiction in order that I may reclaim directive principle of myself, and stand as who I am according to ME as Life, and not according to energetic emotional experiences, feeling experiences, habits, patterns and addictions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become influenced by my environment, instead of directing myself in every moment, Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse/justification/belief that when my environment changes, I can/will/must change as well.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand regardless of who I am with, where I am or what I am doing.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to remain constant, consistent and stable as me, Here, despite what is going on around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a reactive human being, which reacts to an environment, instead of an  active human being- one which creates itself in every moment Here as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my inner experience to be my guiding principle instead of developing self-trust, and leading myself as the self-directive principle of me, wherein I choose to align myself with oneness and equality, to myself and to all that’s here, rather than being directed by an inner experience that is aligned with self-interest, gluttony addictions, habits, patterns, beliefs, etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind and ego, believing that is what is best for me, instead of realizing that it is an abdication of self-responsibility that, on a mass scale, creates the world as we see it today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat whatever “I want” during times I have defined as ‘special,’ because of the thought/idea/belief that my environment dictates who I am, in other words, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make and reinforce the decision or statement that ‘my environment dictates who I am’ by accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-will and self-direction during certain specific times/changes/occasions that take place in my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to so easily disregard myself as Life in order to indulge in the mind of self-interest as addiction/habits/patterns/beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse/justification/belief that my environment has more power/control/direction over me than I do, thus justifying the abdication of my responsibility to myself, and to Life, as I stand as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the inner experience of nervousness dictates who and how I am, rather than standing up during that inner-experience of nervousness in order to prove to myself, over time, that nervousness is not who I am, it does not direct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that m addiction to the feeling of fullness/satiation dictates who and how I am, instead of standing up from within that addiction, applying self-will and self-direction and not succumbing, in order to prove to myself, over time, that addiction does not determine who or how I am, it does not direct me. I direct me Here according to oneness and equality to myself and to all that is Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that eating habits are bigger than my self-direction, wherein a habit, or ‘the way it has always been’ determines ‘the way it will always be,’ instead or standing up from within that habit in order that I may change it, thus making the living statement that I determine me, I decide who and how I am and will be from here on out.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand up from within the habit of over-eating at ‘special occasions’ because of excuses, justifications and beliefs which I used to accept and allow myself to fall back in to the indulgences of the mind instead of standing stable, Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the behavior of others to determine my behavior, thus making the living statement that I am a follower, or I allow others to direct me, this is not acceptable as one who follows cannot be trusted, therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the behavior of others as an excuse or justification as to who and how I comport myself in my body/physical/reality/life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my justifications and excuses instead of applying self-honesty in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use food as a comfort, making the statement that I need to be comforted, instead of accepting myself and directing myself towards being and becoming a being I can accept.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use food to manipulate my inner experience of myself, instead of realizing this is self-abuse, and is not who I am as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to destroy the self-will and self-trust I have built up thus far by tossing it aside for the sake of a ‘special occasion’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by accepting and allowing my environment to determine who I am when I know better than that, that it is only me who influences and decides for me, and I cannot escape from that responsibility.

I commit myself to walk through, untangle, understand and change those parts of my life that I have used to justify and excuse self-abdication until all of me is self-directive wherein I am able to apply self-will in every moment.

I commit myself to being and becoming the self-directive principle of me, and releasing myself from the influence my environment has upon me, until I am aligned with reality in a practical way that supports me as all as one as equal.

I commit myself to standing stable in every moment, and o not sabotage myself in a moment due to an internal experience or an environmental pressure.

When and as I see myself going into excuses, justifications and beliefs that allow me to sabotage myself, such as with over-eating at a ‘special’ occasion, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that such actions are an abdication of self-responsibility, and falling in the face of these temptations diminishes me as it destroys the self-commitment, self-will and self-direction I have created within me thus far. I WILL NOT accept and allow myself to sabotage and diminish myself in this way, so instead I breathe, I realize that I cannot trust the feelings inside me, and instead I will trust myself as life, even when it doesn’t feel ‘good’. I realize change does not always feel ‘good’.