Day 128- Organic Robot Programmed to Fail

Within this blog I am exploring and investigating the concept of pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ as a way of living, which so many of us do, but mostly to our own detriment (continued from this series: Blog Series- Becoming an Effective Student ). This topic was brought up in relation to the difficulties I experience while studying, wherein I have realized that over time, I have basically programmed myself, through a system of likes and dislikes, to want to give up and fail (easy way out= like), instead of fully commiting, applying myself and doing my best (difficult way= dislike). I have seen that this is not set in stone, likes and dislikes are choices, programmed over time through reptition of thoughts/words/deeds, mostly done in unawareness. Thankfully, this can be re-done, over time, in awareness, AS awareness, to actual real-time living Here.

Without fully investigating our likes and dislikes in order to understand 'what is this force that is driving us', we are essentially not the creators of our own lives and thus, not responsible for our thoughts, words and deeds. So what then is this force that is directing us, that we are accepting and allowing to act in our stead without even taking the time to understand how we created it, or even considering that it is in fact something created by ourselves.

In fully investigating these concepts and seeing, realizing and understanding how I have created ‘likes’ and ‘dislikes’ and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by them, I empower myself to take myself back and become a creator of myself in presence and awareness. In this, I can take myself back from the influence of the endless forms of manipulation, both internal and external, in order to walk, step by step, into and as a human being that is Living for Real, Here, in Real Time, with all other beings that are Living Here Together, in consideration of one another. This can only start to work if we work together in equality and as a oneness with each other. Thus, I continue here with my process of walking out of the mind and into reality, by writing self-forgivenss and deriving self-commitments and self-corrective application therefrom:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ is any kind of way to live, especially considering I don’t even understand why I like certain things over others, and also because the things I like are usually the things that are the worst for me.

I commit myself to Live Here, in Reality, without the internal or external influences that activate within and as me as my mind and direct me according to a system of ‘likes’ and ‘dislikes’ that I created/manifested/developed within/as me without any awareness, to the point that I would be living a life that is not best for me or in any way relevant for all.

When and as I see that my thoughts, words and/or deeds are being influenced by an internal or external ‘pull/ or ‘repulsion’ to/from certain things due to my experience of ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ to/towards that something, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that the repulsion/attraction is not taking into consideration what is best for me, nor the consequences the action/word/thought will have within my life or the world, and on top of that, the energetic experience of repulsion/attraction will most likely lead me to thoughts/words/deeds that are not beneficial but rather quite destructive towards myself and my world, if and when I accept and allow them to influence and direct myself and my living. Examples of such things are: attraction to sugar, unhealthy foods, smoking, wasting time, gossiping, etc… and repulsion towards: doing my studies, living the words I speak, eating healthy, exercising, waking up early to go to work, tending to responsibilities in my world, such as finances and legal documents/paperwork etc….

 

Within these examples I see that, I am attracted to everything that would be to my detriment if lived out over a lifetime, and the things I experience a repulsion towards are things that would benefit me if lived out over a lifetime. This goes to show that our automated minds do not have ourselves nor our worlds in our best interest. Therefore, this proves the importance of investigating the mind and stopping the judgments of likes and dislikes, and any and all judgments, thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, etc… that do not have the best interest of all at their source.

 

The process of self-forgiveness makes this possible, and creates space to re-program oneself to equality to what’s here, meaning- no repulsion or attraction, but rather a oneness to what’s here- all beings, nature, matter etc… so that we may direct ourselves in accordance to ways in which through living action over time, results that are best for all will be created and manifested as reality....

When I re-read over what I just wrote, I see within me a reaction to the words “to re-program”.
 

When I investigate these reactions I see that I have a negative judgment towards these words. But if I remove the judgment and look at the words for what they are, I see that this is so: we have minds that are programmable, no one would 'like' to hear this, but this has been proven over and over again in science, commonsense and simple observable daily living. I can see that my habits are actions and behaviours that have been programmed by myself into and as my living by repeating them over time.

 

So now, when decide I want to live new ‘habits’ and ‘patterns’, I experience resistances towards letting go of the old ones, and then difficulty in changing, or re-programming myself to incorporate the new. However, over time, the new habits and patterns become easier, as my mind adjusts to the re-programming that I have done in awareness, wherein I will have replaced eating junk with eating healthy; staying up late and sleeping in late with going to bed at a decent hour and waking up early and rested for work; writing myself out at night in blogs rather than watching television/movies/killing time before bed, etc….. Creating myself anew, becoming the author of a new script, a new program that will benefit me and one that I ensure will benefit those around me and the world, by simply treating others as I would want to be treated within and through living the principles of equality and oneness (EqualMoney.org)

 

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I will continue to write out self-commitments and self-corrective applications in my next blog.

 

Day 98- Pain Subsiding

This is a continuation from days 96 and 97, wherein I am writting through the pain I recently experienced, which is still somewhat here, with the support from this article, excerpts of which are written in italics.

Anxiety Strain Fear Uncertainty Judgment Resistance

 

“Also, I suggest to have a look where and with whom, specifically within your world, you are still accepting / allowing you to react to, specifically related to the words mentioned above and apply self forgiveness accordingly. With each person you look at the following questions:

Why am I reacting towards this being? What do they represent to which I am reacting? What within them have I not yet accepted within me? What within them do I react to which I have not yet dealt with within me?

And so you answer the questions for yourself and apply self forgiveness. Then, you 'test' your self forgiveness application in their presence. If you still react, the self forgiveness is not specific and direct enough. And so you continue until you no longer react to human beings when you're in their presence.

Realize that they are you assisting and supporting you to show you where specific self application is still required.”

 “

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anxiety towards a being because I have equated this person to my effectiveness, yet this person, as all people, reflect back to me all the ways in which I am not yet effective, thus, each and every person will show me/give me opportunities to see myself and that which I have not yet faced/dealt with, so that I may do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in strain towards a being because I believe/perceive that I am responsible for this person’s process and self-realization, instead of realizing that each one can only do so for self within and as self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as fear towards a being due to my participation in my secret mind which I fear being exposed/called out/held responsible for, instead of taking self-responsibility to stop the thoughts that are not equal and one with life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as uncertainty toward a being because there is so much that I would like to express and ask but I haven’t yet because I’ve been waiting for the ‘right time’, only to realize there might not be a ‘right time’ for certain things, while other things require patience as well as diligence and a commitment to myself to sort out within my relationship to this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as judgment to/towards a being, instead of speaking common sense in the opportune moments, and/or bringing the judgment back to self when necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as resistance to a being when and as I feel fear to speak up for myself because of the possibility of conflict, instead of taking a moment to stop, and breathe and speak from a starting point of oneness and equality as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards a being because they represent the belief I hold that change is not possible, it’s too hard and I am unable to be the diligence, commitment and patience I require to be with/for myself within this process of self-change, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that throughout this entire process, all I have ever done is constantly and continuously proven to myself that change IS possible, but that it is not instant, it requires building myself up as the patience, diligence and to stand within and as the commitments I make to/for/with myself, which is also a process, and one that I am willing to walk.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because they represent my former ideologies that this world is doomed, humanity is doomed and there is no point to our existence, and if anyone tries to fool me into believing there is a point and that humanity is not doomed, then I would react within anger and disbelief, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Life is the point of Life, and I will only ever view it as ‘doomed’ so long as I view myself as ‘doomed’- and that I will only view myself as ‘doomed’ if I know I will never challenge myself to change, and within this, seeing/realizing/understanding that I in fact have challenged myself to look at my human nature and change it, and have only shown myself that change is possible, and another way of Life is possible, and that each one only ever ‘dooms’ oneself by existing within and as the limitations of beLIEfs without ever actually moving self to prove to oneself what is ACTUALLY possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because I see that person living out the same patterns over and over without taking a step back and looking at themselves and what they are doing/not doing to perpetuate seemingly endless cycles of self-abuse, instead of looking at myself and seeing where I need to take a step back in order to see where I am still participating in seemingly endless cycles of self-abuse, and then calling myself out, stopping, and changing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because the being is representing the life I used to live, wherein I identified with certain things and believed they were Life, that they were ‘really living’, wherein, now I see differently, and I see within my reaction to this being that I still have not let go of the value and importance I have placed on certain things from my ‘old life’- things which never got me anywhere, which were self-destructive and which were but a distraction keeping me from facing myself  in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the belief that drinking, partying and going out to bars and getting wasted are ‘what living is all about’, because I see, realize and understand that these things never got me anywhere, were only ever self-destructive, and were but a distraction keeping me from facing myself Here. Self-expression, enjoyment and REAL living DO NOT require alcohol, in fact, drinking alcohol and getting drunk are the opposite of living as it is the manifestation of self-defeat.

 

 

Hi, My Name is Kim

It has recently been brought to my attention that the name I was given actually has an effect on Who I Am. So what does that mean? It means that Who I Am I terms of how I feel, what I do, how I act, how I react to people, how I interact- everything that makes me, everything that I thought I was the ‘boss’ of and ‘decision maker’ of, can actually be running itself based on the reactions I experience to things as seemingly simple and harmless as words, such as my name. These reactions bring up memories and thoughts, feelings and emotions which are not necessarily of my choosing, it is almost as if it is automatic, as if it were a program.

And if you think about it- it really is like a program. I experience something in my world, say- someone says my name in an angry tone, and all of a sudden- as if by magic, I am experiencing myself differently than I was seconds earlier. Maybe I'm feeling fearful, rigid, tense etc.. Why? Because of memories where someone said my name in an angry tone and then something happened that allowed me to justify the negative experience occurring within me, such as something like a negative consequence as being yelled at or being punished.

It was not my choosing to select and bring forth such memories, I mean, why would I want to experience that again, or experience it every time someone says my name in an angry tone.?The truth is, I wouldn't- yet I do, without even realizing it. Because I have it programmed into me that a certain tone associated to my name triggers a certain chemical to release into my blood and cause me to experience myself a certain way, which usually impacts everything I do while I’m experiencing it, so that the outflows of that chemical release as a feeling or emotion, actually ripples through me, changes Who I AM, and then has an influence or impact on those around me through my interaction with them, as well as everything I do. So, as simple and seemingly insignificant as these programs may seem, they actually have a lot of influence, if you consider they are occurring all the time and within everyone.
These programs are determined by the things we previously experienced, which become memories and  feeling or emotional experiences, and the personalities we developed to cope with those experiences, which are like a cast of characters (such as, for me, ‘school Kim’, ‘work Kim’, ‘social life Kim’, ‘family Kim’, ‘girlfriend or wife Kim’, ‘friend Kim’, ‘girl next door Kim’, ‘sad or happy Kim’, ‘confident Kim’, ‘insecure Kim’ and so on… you get the point), and then the thoughts, feelings and emotions which are triggered and stem up from these characters and manifest inside of us as internal experiences which then effect the way, the who, and the how that we are (for example: ‘friend Kim’ likes to go out and be social, but ‘insecure Kim’ would rather stay home and eat junk food and watch tv, or ‘confidant Kim’ studies hard and stays on top of her work, but that is sabotaged by ‘sad Kim’ who mopes around and procrastinates and feels that life is pointless).

So, where in all this, is my agency? I mean, yes, throughout my life here and there I have applied myself with everything I have and followed through on something, but even within those endeavors, was I completely in control of Who I Am, within my life and world? Was I in control every time I spoke with my mom, dad, husband, sister, nieces and nephews, teachers, friends etc… or did I get angry, frustrated, insulted, annoyed, excited, motivated etc…thus triggering characters? How about when I wanted to eat healthy or exercise, watch less tv, call my grandmother, stop after this drink, stop after this bite, walk the dog more, read more, be patient with my coworkers, speak up in class, start assignments sooner, loosen up in social groups, learn to listen, express myself more clearly, stop biting my nails, take shorter showers, use natural cleaners? – Meaning, even during the times in my life where I made decisions and saw them through to completion, can I really say that, in every moment, it was ME who was living and making every decision? Or how often was it one of my cast of characters? In other words, how much of it was being run on these automatic programs that developed within the first seven or so years of my life? And so- how many of our daily actions can we really say we make the directive decision to do, when we do them, and how well we do them? And how much of what we do is just being pulled around on auto-pilot, by some seemingly all powerful force that we don’t even realize is directing us and pulling the strings in our lives.
I am going to look at this automation by looking at my name, ‘Kim’, and to look at the memories I’ve associated with it based on the tonality with which it is spoken to me, and how that tonality actually affects the entirety of the way and the Who that I am. Is it ME,  or is it the pre-designed memory-based character that is activated based on the memories triggered by the tonality of voice used when and as my name is spoken? And again-this functions the exact same way for everyone. And if you follow this blog series on ‘Names’ , you will see there is a very interesting surprise, which you will be able to look at and apply in your own life, that may answer a lot of questions about who we are and why we are the way we are in this context.
In my next blog, I will look at three examples of name tonalities, the reactions experienced toward them, and the memories associated with them.

Day 92- Death by Pleasing Others (pt 3)

This is a continuation of my last blogs: Day 90- Death by Pleasing Others, and Day 91- Death by Pleasing Others (pt 2)





I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself when I think/believe/perceive others like me or are pleased with who/how I am.





I commit myself to see/realize/understand that ‘feeling good’ about myself contains the polarity of ‘feeling bad’, and that I can’t have one without the other, and thus I see/realize/understand that self-equality has no charge, as it ‘just is’, which leaves no desire to experience myself any other way than Who I Am in every moment.






I commit myself to stop trying and attempting to manipulate my environment and those around me to change my experience of myself, and to instead take self-responsibility for my self-experience by looking at the root cause for why I would want/need/desire to experience myself any other way than just existing in the moment, Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like and be pleased with myself when I think/believe/perceive others are pleased with or like me.

I commit myself to base my self-observation on the physical reality of myself, and the outflows of my actions and decisions and whether or not they are best for all.

I commit myself to investigate all ways in which I ‘don’t like’ myself, in order to understand why it is that I would look for that from an outside source instead of giving it
to myself. Within this, I commit myself to stop judging myself or aspects of myself where I’ve decided that I ‘don’t like’ them, instead of having immediately stopped the judgment or the behavior that did not honour myself as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define how I feel about myself based on how I perceive others feel about me.

I commit myself to stop taking others reactions personally, whether they are positive or negative.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that the reactions of others comes from their internal processes that may be affected by the day they had, or the week they had, or the month or maybe even an entire life experience that is creating a reaction within them, that has nothing to do with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my self-image on energy, on how I feel inside- wherein, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my external environment, and the people within it, to affect how I feel inside myself, within and through the relationships I have developed with people and things in my external environment, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that these relationships are entirely my creation, my thoughts/beliefs/perceptions, therefore they are all merely reflecting me to myself, and how I feel about myself, and my self-relationship.

I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that the relationships I create with people, in terms of my reactions to their reactions, are completely my creation, and are always showing me something about myself, and thus:

I commit myself to purify my relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my self-relationship on energetic internal experiences, instead of basing it on measurable physical actions and their outcomes.

I commit myself to stop trusting my internal emotional and feeling experiences, which I don’t even understand how I created them, and to instead trust what is tangibly measurably, observably Here, in reality as the outflows, outcomes and consequences of my actions, on myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base anything of myself on energy, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicating myself to energy.

I commit myself to take back my self-direction and self-responsibility from my mind and energy and to walk myself instead back into awareness as Life, as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be perceived as ‘good’, ‘right’, ‘positive’.

I commit myself to stop my participation within the positive/right/good-negative/bad/wrong polarity construct and to realize and understand that there is no good/bad, positive/negative/ right/wrong- only what is Here, and whether it is in consideration of the whole as what’s best for all, or whether it allows abuse to continue.

I commit myself to be and become aware of my place and my responsibility within myself and the world-systems, and to equalize within myself so that I may be a living standing example of and as equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect praise and pleased-ness of others to feeling good/right/positive within and as myself.

I commit myself to sever the connections I have made to reactions, actions, words and deeds so that I may end the separation with/as myself.

Day 91- Death by Pleasing Others (pt 2)

This is a continuation of Day 90- Death By Pleasing Others



I commit myself to walk myself out of ego and into physical reality, by stopping feeding my ego with negative/positive energy through stopping judging experiences outside myself in relation to me, to actually become a REAL Agent of self-change and thus, global change as I am inextricably linked to the whole.






I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try/attempt to please others in self-interest, in order for me to feel better about myself and who I am, instead of giving myself that which I have separated myself from in order that I may be whole, and thus not seek any kind of fulfillment from others.





I commit myself to, in every moment, give myself that which I have separated myself from, by stopping my relationships with it, thus becoming equal to and one with it.





I commit myself to effectively end self-interest within and as me, by changing the starting point of all my decisions to a consideration of the whole within the principle of ‘do unto others’.





I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to please people because it’s easier than standing up within myself.





I commit myself to directing myself to equality with others, wherein I do not use them to feed my ego nor to hide, nor to fear expressing myself as Who I Am.





I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself within pleasing others, by hiding Who I Really Am within myself, and only behaving in ways which I think/believe/perceive others may be pleased by/approve of.





I commit myself to Standing up within myself, fearlessly as all as one as equal, by revealing myself completely and accepting myself completely, no matter who I’m around, where I am or what I’m doing.





I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make people-pleasing into an ego-trip.





I commit myself to treat others the way I would like to be treated, which is within/as self-honesty and self-responsibility.





I commit myself to stop creating relationships of separation with people and my environment in an attempt to gain something from them/it, and to instead stand clear within myself as Who I Am, and my self-relationship.





I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself when I think/believe/perceive others like me or are pleased with who/how I am.



I commit myself to see/realize/understand that ‘feeling good’ about myself contains the polarity of ‘feeling bad’, and that I can’t have one without the other, and thus I see/realize/understand that self-equality has no charge, as it ‘just is’, which leaves no desire to experience myself any other way than Who I Am in every moment.




When and as I see that I am accepting/allowing myself to feel pleased with myself based on how others are reacting to/towards me I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to physical reality by looking at what I am actually doing, and assessing it based on whether it is what’s best for myself within equality and oneness with all, or based in self-interest In trying/attempting to create an internal energetic experience for myself. Within this, I effectively stop myself from feeding my ego as self-interest by judging myself or others as ‘good/right/positive’ or as wrong/bad/negative, which would be placing myself above or below others which is not acceptable. I embrace myself within and as self-acceptance, and stop the energy-seeking behavior by checking my starting point and focusing on my breathinguntil it is aligned with doing what’s best for all, which is being/becoming equal within/as myself first.

To Be Continued...

Day 90- Death by Pleasing Others

 

This is a continuation from Day 89- It's Not You, It's Me
 

The ‘people pleaser’ character


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people won’t like me because of who or how I am behaving or have behaved in the past or will behave in the future.

I commit myself to direct my behavior to that which is best for myself as all, and in this, I commit myself to take myself back from the direction of pleasing others.
I
 forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people will become unpleased with me due to my behavior in the past/present/future.


I commit myself to look practically at my behavior, and to stop basing the value of what I do upon how others react, and instead I commit myself to assess my behaviour for myself as to whether or not it is self-honest.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being liked by others outside myself.

I commit myself to base Who I Am on my actions/words/deeds, without fear of how they may or may not be perceived.


I commit myself to learn and understand how I create myself and to take complete self-responsibility for myself as my creation I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others are judging me in their minds.

I commit myself to realize, see and understand that I am not a mind reader, and within this, that I can never really know what others are thinking and that it does not even matter so long as I accept me and stand within who I am as Life Here, equal and one.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I think others are judging me in their minds or their words.


I commit myself to stop wasting my time taking things personally and in so doing, take myself back from the fear that I accept/allow myself to exist within and as. Within this:


I commit myself to take myself back from fear by not accepting or allowing fear to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand as who I am, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

I commit myself to stand as who I Am regardless of what others may think.


I commit myself to take myself back from participating within and as self-reflection onto others by stopping and changing my internal reactions, instead of believing them and judging myself based on my perceptions, ideas and beliefs, thus I commit myself to continue walking my self-change.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to please people.

I commit myself to stop trying to please others as abdication of my responsibility to myself by placing it upon them to ‘make’ me feel good/positive/right, thus placing within them also the power to ‘make’ me feel bad/negative/wrong.

I commit myself to take myself back from pleasing others by stopping the energetic internal experience of good/positive/right, and bad/negative/wrong, by realizing, seeing and understanding that there is only that which is best for all and that which is self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed my ego with positive energetic feelings when I think/believe/perceive I have pleased others or others are pleased with me.

I commit myself to walk out of energy as ego by becoming equal to and one with it and changing as it by stopping my participation within/as it and directing myself to instead be equal to and one with the physical reality we all share and with everyone that shares it.

To be Continued...

Day 89- It's Not You, It's Me

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Today I had a big point open up when I thought I was confronting someone about possibly judging me. ‘Confronting’ might not be the right word, because I actually was speaking my back chat or internal voice, in order to ‘put it out there’ to be discussed, because I couldn’t see clearly what I was missing. First of all, I know damn well that worrying about what another is thinking is always me projecting myself onto another. But I was SOOOO convinced that it was the person making me feel bad because of what they ‘might have’ been thinking. So I said that, and the person did NOT accept this shit from me. Normally I would have argued and defended myself, but because I have been practicing self-honesty and listening/hearing, I shut up within myself and listened to the other person’s perspective.  

 What I realized is that this has been a pattern play-out in my life for a really long time. It is self-judgment, wherein over time I have seemingly small, judgmental thoughts about myself, like, oh, my nails look bad, I’m gaining weight, I slept in too late, I didn’t get enough done today, etc… and then I start feeling insecure, and then I’ll start projecting the judgment, by thinking little things like, “I should put this away or he’ll think I’m lazy,” “these pants are too frumpy, he’ll think I’m sloppy,” “I should do more or she’ll think I didn’t get much done today,” etc… Then, when the person is in my midst, I’ll think they are thinking these things about me, and get super self-conscious, but they are not even thinking these things! I would have to be a mind-reader to know the thoughts of another, and anyways- what would it matter what another is possibly thinking? It doesn’t. This all seems really obvious now as I write it, but throughout my life, I have done so many things for fear of what the other ‘might’ think. Sometimes I have had entire relationships in which I have been entirely dictated by this pattern to the point where I don’t even want to be around the person anymore. And because it seems so real to me, I never realized that the judgment was coming from ME, not the other person!

            So, the point that opened up within these realizations is just how judgmental I actually am towards myself. I have an extremely high, even unreasonable standard that I hold myself to, where if I do not achieve perfection, I judge me. So I’m really hard on myself in this way. I’m not even what’s called a ‘type-A personality’, because the way it manifests for me is defeat- wherein I just end up mostly giving up and feeling like “what’s the point- it’s unobtainable- it’s too much work- etc..” which is an attitude that just perpetuates the self-judgment, because I then end up doing less than I am able.

            Within all this, I see that I have to be more gentle with myself, so that I can function from a starting point of self-care and self-consideration, so that I can actually be more effective, and also be able to be and express myself and enjoy the people I spend time with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and participate in my backchat and self-talk to the point where it influences who and how I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed backchat and negative self-talk to exist within and as me, wherein I, throughout the day, make positive or negative judgments about myself in relation to others and the world, thus defining myself as ‘good; and ‘bad’ within my mind, and then confirming my judgments constantly and continuously through/by projecting my self-judgments onto the behavior of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my backchat and negative self-talk onto others in my life and world, because it influences who I am around others wherein I am trying to control their perception of me and thus, my perception of myself, instead of changing myself actually, and BEING who I am instead of perceiving who I am in relation to people, places, things, and events outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for ‘judging me and making me feel bad’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have only been judging myself and being unreasonable with my standards and expectations of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself by projecting my self-judgment onto others, and instead of changing I avoided the other, or tried endlessly to ‘be perfect’ in order to not be judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘being perfect’ as not feeling judged by others, because I see, realize and understand that the mind will constantly and continuously judge unless it is directed with awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not define ‘being perfect’ as being aware of myself and that which I create, and directing myself and that which I create according to the principle of doing unto others as myself, and being one and equal to myself.

            To me, this character seems like a ‘people pleaser’, so I will take apart and forgive this character in my next blog.

Day 88- Going Down the Rabbit's Hole or Still Looking at the Mirror? (pt. 2)

This is a continuation of Day 87- Going Down the Rabbits Holeor Still Looking at the Mirror?

“The main realizations I had within and through writing these statements is that I have the tendency to project and imagine ‘big things’ and ‘big plans’ for myself, in the mind where the entire play out can be played out in seconds, wherein there is an instant gratification and feelings of accomplishment experienced within me. However, the ‘downfall’ and consequential outflow of this are that I become discouraged and defeated when I go to bring those plans into action in the real world, the physical world outside of my mind, the reality we all share, otherwise known as Here. These feelings lead to ‘stagnation’ and ‘stuckness’ within which I am not as effective within what I do, because in a way, I feel as though I have already failed. This then leads to the experience of being overwhelmed with the amount of actual steps it will take to accomplish that which I want to accomplish, and then I experience anxiety as a ‘falling behind’ because in my mind, I am already way ahead of myself.

It takes time, dedication, commitment and patience to get things done in the physical reality, and these are the things I am mapping myself out to become. I see, realize and understand that I can only work from Here, and that there is a difference between making a plan or long term goals, and fantasizing about what it will be like ‘then’, when everything is done and where, in my mind, everything was easy and successful.”

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try/attempt to escape and avoid Here by trying to do everything and get it all done so that I can be ‘there,’ in the future where things are done and everything is in order, and where I’ve projected that I will experience myself differently ‘then’.

I commit myself to stop projecting about who and how I will be later, and which situation I will be in later, instead of focusing on now and my actions and behaviours now that will create me as who and how I want to be, by being it now.

I commit myself to do what needs to be done daily, instead of existing within and as the belief that one day, it will all be done. I see and realize that my organs function in every moment until I die, and that I too apply myself as Who I Am in every moment till my time is up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take one thing at a time, and bring it Here, and focus on it with all my presence and awareness, and direct the one thing I have chosen to focus on to the best of my ability, while always making sure I am self-honest about what exactly my ability is.

I commit myself to take one thing at a time, to bring it Here and focus on it with all my presence and awareness, and to direct it to the best of my ability, always remembering to question my ability, to push the limits of my ability to see exactly what it is I am capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a character that wants/needs/desires ‘forward motion’ as a polarity with myself as lazy, motionless, stagnant and unmotivated.

I commit myself to work on finding balance in my Life, with some time dedicated to rest, relaxation and enjoyment, but not too much, and some time dedicated to responsibilities, but not too much.

I commit myself to practice and perfect self-care, throughand as developing self-esteem and self-worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to participate within and as the ‘forward motion’ character because I have defined it as ‘successful’, within the belief that that is how successful people operate, and if I were just like that, I would be successful too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire success instead of focusing on actually being successful in my practical application of myself in my life and world.

I commit myself to allow myself to be successful, to embrace and become one with success instead of seeing/perceiving it as something ‘out there’ that happens to other people who have the answers that I think/believe I will never find.

I commit myself to be and become a success within myself, within self-mastery of myself in my entirety, so that what I think is what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to participate within and as the ‘forward motion’ character because I admire others that this character is trying to emulate as an experience,  and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire others to admire me when I am ‘moving forward’ and ‘getting things done,’ so that I may ‘have’ the experience, instead of realizing that an ‘experience’ is nothing but an energetic momentary rush within me, while the actual creating myself successfully just ‘is ,’ as it simply becomes Who I Am.

I commit myself to base my actions in self-honesty and doing what’s best for myself as all as one as equal in actuality, instead of playing around with images, perceptions and judgment as who I am as an experience of myself. I realize and understand that it is sometimes necessary to ‘go into character’ to present myself in a certain way at, for example, a job, wherein there are certain social and company rules that must be abided by. I commit myself to understand the social and company rules In my workplace, to understand who I am in relation to them, and to abide by them without compromising or influencing myself as Who I Am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base success on an internal experience, instead of the actual measurable outcome of my actions.

I commit myself to stop chasing ideas, perceptions and beliefs, and to instead ground myself in reality Here, and take actual actions towards that which I have set as my goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being unsuccessful, lazy, unmotivated and stagnant.

I commit myself to stop fearing that which I have complete ability to control and direct, by slowly but surely teaching myself how to control and direct it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest for myself that which I fear, specifically here where I overwhelm myself where I reach points where I feel ‘stuck’ and unable to move myself to simple tasks.

I commit myself to stop the patterns of self-defeat which create many unnecessary consequences, by giving myself back my power in order to move and direct me out of the habits and patterns I have come to depend on to keep me in line, to prioritize my self-interest and to stay lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create unnecessary mountains for me to climb, because of and due to not remaining Here, in breath, and instead going into my mind, creatingresistances, backchat, beliefs and thoughts and internal experiences such as stress and anxiety about small things that could easily be done.

I commit myself to live  equal and one to that which I create, because I am equal to and one with it In Fact.  Thus,

I commit myself to change my creations of and as me, and to knock down the mountains of the mind by simply taking it step by step, bringing it Here, equal to me, so that I can manage it as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I need to experience events all the time to indicate that I am moving forward, instead of moving me Here to pave the way for myself y taking one step at a time and doing it well.

I commit myself to stop abdicating my self-responsibility to things and events outside of me, and to take complete self-responsibility for myself in every moment by applying myself within, through and between events in my life, no matter what the event is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about and conjure up big plans for myself, without considering the time,patience and actual work it will require to get it done.

I commit myself to bring myself out of my mind and into reality, where big plans involve actual real commitment, dedication and effort, instead of imagining about obtaining the big results thus only creating energetic emotional experiences within and as me, which will only lead to feelings of defeat when I try to accomplish these things in real life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect/want/desire instant gratification and immediate results.

I commit myself to remember the pace at which the physical moves and to stop rushing ahead in my mind, creating a whole reality before I even take the first step, but to instead take my first steps Here, the only place where it is possible to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive instant gratification and immediate results are possible.

I commit myself to let go of the McWorld of the mind, and enter into the real world, where change takes time and actions have consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that movement in the physical takes time.

I commit myself to be the patience, dedication, commitment and discipline that I am, and to develop myself as these qualities, in order to move with the physical world which is the real reality we all share.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself from Here with curiosity and entertainment and fruitless pursuits of the mind that always bring me back to the exact same pattern of procrastination, overwhelmed and anxious.

I commit myself to stop feeding the energetic experience I achieve when fulfilling my curiosities and to instead direct myself to occupy my time not with gossip, entertainment and distraction, but with actual actions and self-directed learning while working towards a living understanding of myself, my world and reality.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and my process by repeating patterns and habits that I know lead to nowhere and timeloops.

I commit myself to take the necessary steps  to replace self-sabotage with self-care, self-nurturing and self-creation.

 

Day 85- Commiting to the Tools, the Group, the Principles and the Change

This is a continuation from Day 80- Desteni Character: Fear, wherein I am making self-commitment statements in order to stop limiting myself to a cast of characters based in fear, continuing with the Desteni character.

                                

I commit myself to stand within my decision to participate within Desteni, and to breathe through the thoughts, feelings and emotions stemming from fears in relation to Desteni and the controversy it may bring.

I see, realize and understand that any real change is going to be fraught with resistance, and that the brutal self-honesty demanded by the principles of oneness and equality are going to bring up both the best and the worst in people, the worst which, if not directed and forgiven, may be projected towards myself or others involved within Desteni.

I commit myself to remain the same yesterday, today and tomorrow despite the turbulence that might exist around me.

I commit myself to stop avoiding controversy, and to instead stand as Who I Am no matter what.

I commit myself to continue applying self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application in order to see points in my life through from beginning to end, to continue proving to myself the effectiveness of taking self-responsibility, and thus being a living example of the tools and their effectiveness.

I commit myself to let go of the desire to ‘prove’ myself to anyone but myself, by living real change, because that which is real does not need to be proven.

I commit myself to stop provjecting into the future of the possible harm that may come to those enacting change within themselves and the world, because:

I see, realize and understand that if I accept and allow fear to stop me, then I accept and allow it to stop others, and within this ‘stopping’ I will not be an agent of change and I will not be able to stand as one vote, which is all I have the power to do. I choose to be one vote for world equality.

I commit myself to stand stable within my decision to be one vote, and to support others willing to do the same.

I commit myself to stand as self-honesty within my relationships by standing equal to them, and to never place the value of the relationship above myself and others.

I commit myself to free myself by taking self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

Day 83- Why I Can't Make A Decision

Within this blog I am writing out the self-forgiveness statements to understand and release myself from the approval-seeking character, which manifests indecisiveness, frustration, second guessing myself, and making decisions that I can’t stand by in my life.

This character is described in greater detail in my last blog: Day 82- I Can’t Make A Decision.

In the blogs to follow, I will take apart this point with the tool of self-forgiveness, in order to understand it so that I can stop participating in this character and eventually stop, and change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created and manifested myself as an approval-seeking character throughout my life as a way of ‘getting out of’ making my own decisions, and not having to take responsibility for the decisions I end up making, wherein, they are not my decisions, but rather the decisions of the majority of people whom I’ve talked to about them.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that, in order to be the directive principle within my own life, I have to make my own decisions based in/as self-honesty and practical common-sense in alignment with what’s best for all and what’s best for myself as all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my decision making power to others outside of me, by seeking validation and approval for who I am and what I choose to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others by thinking/believing /perceiving that I require validation/approval to do and be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow frustrated within myself because I blame myself for not being able to make clear decisions that I can stand by/within, because I haven’t realized that I am giving my decision-making power away by making my decisions contingent on which I think/believe have the greatest approval from the most important/majority of people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others when I make decisions that don’t work out or that I can’t stand by because I consciously or subconsciously believed they were responsible due to the fact that I made the decision contingent upon what I thought would gain their approval, or what they appeared to consider valid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take credit for decisions that worked out, knowing that I was not entirely responsible for the decision, thus conning myself about Who I Really Am, and CONvincing myself that I am something that I’m not, thus setting myself up to exist within and as the FEAR that I will be found out, instead of realizing only I can ‘find me out’ and call myself out in order to stop and give myself back my power to make clear decision that I can test out for myself, take complete responsibility for and stand by.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk about my choices/decision with others form a starting point of trying to CONvince them that the choice I want to make is the right choice, and secretly trying to get them to agree with me, thus validate/approve of my choice so that I can appease myself within the belief that ‘it is the right choice because another has validated/approved of it for me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the power/courage to make my own choices.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am incapable of making the ‘right’ decision, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ decision, only decisions that are in alignment with what is best for me as all, and those that are not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making decisions, for fear that they will turn out poorly, and I will be ‘proven’ and ‘confirmed’ that I do not know  what’s best for me, or that I cannot stick by and stand within the decisions I make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek approval and validation for my decisions from a starting point of laziness and non-commitment, wherein, if I gain validation and approval, then I don’t have to face the fact that I was lazy or didn’t apply myself to commit to the decision, because then I can just use the excuse that ‘they’ were wrong and ‘that’s why it didn’t work out.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as laziness within the excuse that ‘making decisions work out is hard’, and then not really making any decisions or commitments because that is the easy thing to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not commit to decisions because of the fear that they will fail and because it’s easier to sabotage myself and make the decision fail because at least then I feel like I have control and it was my will, instead of trying and then failing- because then I would feel like I didn’t have control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to experience myself as ‘in control’ by manipulating the outcomes of decisions through self-sabotage.

Self-commitment statements to follow.