Osho Card reading of the Day - Day 15 of 21: TOTALITY

"These three women are high in the air, playful and free, yet alert and interdependent. In a trapeze act, nobody can afford to be a little bit "absent" even for a split second. And it is this quality of total attentiveness to the moment at hand that is represented here.
We may feel there are too many things to do at once, but get bogged down in trying to do a bit here, a bit there, instead of taking one task at a time and getting on with it. Or perhaps we think our task is "boring" because we've forgotten that it's not what you do but how you do it that matters.
Developing the knack of being total in responding to whatever comes, as it comes, is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Taking one step through life at a time, giving each step your complete attention and energy, can bring a wondrous new vitality and creativity to all that you do."

The question I held within me while pulling this card involves the emotional experience I woke up into yesterday. I managed to direct my day despite the experience, yet it was persistent and came back at night, right as I was getting ready for sleep. I reminded myself not to engage with it, just to feel it. I saw the temptation of thinking and connecting the experience to thoughts and wonderings, but I simply felt it and let it be.

When I woke up today, it came back, and I realized this was premenstrual syndrome activating within me. This is where I become very aware of my emotional body and feel it quite extensively for about a week. This emotional body is always there, but it is placed in the forefront of my awareness during this time. I used to see this as a curse, but I have changed my perspective to look at it as a blessing, as I get to see, examine and direct these experiences directly during this time.

So, my question was: "How can I best support myself when dealing with an intense emotional experience over a period of time" (rather than in fleeting moments)?

I am able to derive much support from this card, because I see that if I remain vigilant, alert and attentive, I can direct the experience throughout the entire week. I simply need to take what I did last night, and apply in in every moment. I am familiar with this 'alertness' or 'attentiveness', I can recall living this word when driving in a snow storm or during a busy and pressing time at work. What I need to do now is expand myself as this word, into my moment-to-moment living.

To support myself, i will create a structure for the day, meaning, I will decide a couple of tasks to do to define and organize my time, and to give myself chunks of time to work with to break up the day into sections. This way, I will know very clearly what is the task at hand, so that when it becomes difficult, I can remind myself where my focus and attention should be, and I will move myself according to my plan (remaining flexible, of course),  and not go into the wallowing experience that can throw me off track in a moment of 'absentness'.

Within this, a focus on breath and movement is crucial, as well as going easy on myself and even finding some enjoyment within what I am doing.

Daily writing has been an unbelievable support, because the points I have uncovered and began walking this past two weeks will play a big role in the self-support I will be able to live for myself. I am so grateful for the tools of writing and corrective application, as it not only prevents unpleasant consequences in my life, but also assists and supports me to enjoy myself more in my daily life.

I will walk my correction today and report back any findings, obstacles or triumphs.

 Thanks for reading!

Note: I am walking a process of self-change using the tools of support offered by www.Desteni.org. I am taking the course called DIP Pro. In this course I learn how to take every day moments and find ways to make myself a better, more understanding and well rounded human being, the kind of human being I would like to see in this world. "Be the change you want to see" is a cool saying, but actually doing it is a bit more confusing because people tend to believe that you can't change human nature. I believe you can, because I have seen myself changing to someone I've always wanted to be. Not there yet, but my motivation is fueled by the proof I have given to myself, which I have documented online every sep of the way, in my blogs and on youtube. DIP Pro requires serious dedication and commitment, it is ot for the faint of heart. If you want to test the waters for yourself, try the Lite version, it's called DIP Lite, and the best part is, it's free! Why? Because Desteni puts individual self-change above profit. Why does DIP Pro cost money? Because it costs money to exist in this world, and takes a dedicated team to run the program. Otherwise it would also be free.
Visit www.Desteni.org


 

Day 98- Pain Subsiding

This is a continuation from days 96 and 97, wherein I am writting through the pain I recently experienced, which is still somewhat here, with the support from this article, excerpts of which are written in italics.

Anxiety Strain Fear Uncertainty Judgment Resistance

 

“Also, I suggest to have a look where and with whom, specifically within your world, you are still accepting / allowing you to react to, specifically related to the words mentioned above and apply self forgiveness accordingly. With each person you look at the following questions:

Why am I reacting towards this being? What do they represent to which I am reacting? What within them have I not yet accepted within me? What within them do I react to which I have not yet dealt with within me?

And so you answer the questions for yourself and apply self forgiveness. Then, you 'test' your self forgiveness application in their presence. If you still react, the self forgiveness is not specific and direct enough. And so you continue until you no longer react to human beings when you're in their presence.

Realize that they are you assisting and supporting you to show you where specific self application is still required.”

 “

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anxiety towards a being because I have equated this person to my effectiveness, yet this person, as all people, reflect back to me all the ways in which I am not yet effective, thus, each and every person will show me/give me opportunities to see myself and that which I have not yet faced/dealt with, so that I may do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in strain towards a being because I believe/perceive that I am responsible for this person’s process and self-realization, instead of realizing that each one can only do so for self within and as self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as fear towards a being due to my participation in my secret mind which I fear being exposed/called out/held responsible for, instead of taking self-responsibility to stop the thoughts that are not equal and one with life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as uncertainty toward a being because there is so much that I would like to express and ask but I haven’t yet because I’ve been waiting for the ‘right time’, only to realize there might not be a ‘right time’ for certain things, while other things require patience as well as diligence and a commitment to myself to sort out within my relationship to this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as judgment to/towards a being, instead of speaking common sense in the opportune moments, and/or bringing the judgment back to self when necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as resistance to a being when and as I feel fear to speak up for myself because of the possibility of conflict, instead of taking a moment to stop, and breathe and speak from a starting point of oneness and equality as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards a being because they represent the belief I hold that change is not possible, it’s too hard and I am unable to be the diligence, commitment and patience I require to be with/for myself within this process of self-change, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that throughout this entire process, all I have ever done is constantly and continuously proven to myself that change IS possible, but that it is not instant, it requires building myself up as the patience, diligence and to stand within and as the commitments I make to/for/with myself, which is also a process, and one that I am willing to walk.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because they represent my former ideologies that this world is doomed, humanity is doomed and there is no point to our existence, and if anyone tries to fool me into believing there is a point and that humanity is not doomed, then I would react within anger and disbelief, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Life is the point of Life, and I will only ever view it as ‘doomed’ so long as I view myself as ‘doomed’- and that I will only view myself as ‘doomed’ if I know I will never challenge myself to change, and within this, seeing/realizing/understanding that I in fact have challenged myself to look at my human nature and change it, and have only shown myself that change is possible, and another way of Life is possible, and that each one only ever ‘dooms’ oneself by existing within and as the limitations of beLIEfs without ever actually moving self to prove to oneself what is ACTUALLY possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because I see that person living out the same patterns over and over without taking a step back and looking at themselves and what they are doing/not doing to perpetuate seemingly endless cycles of self-abuse, instead of looking at myself and seeing where I need to take a step back in order to see where I am still participating in seemingly endless cycles of self-abuse, and then calling myself out, stopping, and changing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because the being is representing the life I used to live, wherein I identified with certain things and believed they were Life, that they were ‘really living’, wherein, now I see differently, and I see within my reaction to this being that I still have not let go of the value and importance I have placed on certain things from my ‘old life’- things which never got me anywhere, which were self-destructive and which were but a distraction keeping me from facing myself  in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the belief that drinking, partying and going out to bars and getting wasted are ‘what living is all about’, because I see, realize and understand that these things never got me anywhere, were only ever self-destructive, and were but a distraction keeping me from facing myself Here. Self-expression, enjoyment and REAL living DO NOT require alcohol, in fact, drinking alcohol and getting drunk are the opposite of living as it is the manifestation of self-defeat.

 

 

Day 97- Paralyzing Pain (pt 2)

This is a continuation of my last blog, wherein I described waking up in pain worse than I've ever experienced 'out of the blue', meaning- without a direct accident or injury. The perspectve given in italics and surrounded by quotes is from this support article I found and am working through the suggestions given.

Anxiety Strain Fear Uncertainty Judgment Resistance

“This is your individual process - really. Stop accepting/allowing you to be preoccupied with other human beings. I suggest you also have a look at the words above. Where within your world you are still accepting / allowing you to participate in such emotions without applying you effectively and stopping them immediately”

 

Anxiety

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anxiety to continue to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to participate within and as anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to allow anxiety about the job that I do.

When and as I see that I am growing anxious about the job that I do- whether I’ll get a good one, the ‘right’ one, make enough money or make the right decisions I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself out of the energetic experience of anxiety by reminding myself that I can only work with what is Here, and make decisions based on each step as it comes, and that anxiety within this is not necessary to do it right or do it well, all I require is me, present and aware, Here, doing one thing at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to participate in anxiety about school.

When and as I see that I am participating in anxious thoughts about school, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself out of the anxious energy by reminding myself that I’m doing fine, and I can even rather enjoy the process of school and take it as an interest or a hobby that I can immerse myself in as I take it one step at a time till its’ done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest anxiety within and about my relationships.

When and as I see that I am creating anxiety within and about my relationships, I stop, and I breathe, I bring myself out of the energetic experience of anxiety by remembering that I am walking this process for me, and that the relationships I am in or develop in my world present me with new opportunities to see myself as who I am, to face myself as who and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be, and to challenge me to stand in moments where I am presented with the choice between self-responsibility and self-abdication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious about money.

When and as I see that I am projecting my mind in to the future about money and creating anxiety around the fact that money is not a guarantee- yet it is guaranteed that I will always need it and there’s so much I want to do, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself out of anxiety and back to the present moment by reminding myself that no matter what happens, I will do everything I can to support myself, and I will use all available resources to do so.

Strain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself within stopping a couple of habits I am directing myself to stop, instead of realizing that I can stop in one breath, and that it is not a strain, it is a choice made over and over to not stop, and until I make the decision and stand absolute within it, I must simply stop each times and breathe, no strain- simply stopping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create strain in my relationships, wherein I strain myself as my thoughts that I am responsible for everyone to step up and realize themselves, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I must step up first, and realize myself as Life, and my place and responsibility in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself by creating and holding high expectations of myself, without charting or mapping out a way or practical list of steps I must take to ‘get there’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself by getting down on myself when I turn out to not be perfect, instead of being patient with myself as I slowly change myself to that which I would like to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself by wanting and desiring to be done and changed and have it all figured out NOW, instead of giving myself the time of breath, as everything in this world moves breath by breath and cannot move any faster than that.

Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word ‘money’ with fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting sick and being useless and dependent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the thought of getting sick and becoming useless and dependent with fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by friends and family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the thought of being rejected by friends and family with fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear regretting my career path choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the thought of regretting my career path choices with fear and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

Uncertainty

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as uncertainty within my relationship and whether or not: the decision will stand, we will stand and the end result will be what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as uncertainty within my job choices and whether it is the best choice that will give me the best results fastest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as uncertainty with where I have chosen to live- whether it was the best choice or would things be better  in the other location.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as uncertainty with my choice of degrees, whether it was the best choice for me and will it lead to a career that suits me, or will it lead to a career at all?

I see, realize and understand that because I cannot predict the future, Life will always be full of ‘uncertainties’, and that the only thing I have control over making certain is Who I Am and how I apply myself in this life and this world, and so long as I have certainty within myself, then I can be certain that I can and will direct my life and world to an outcome that serves me and the principles I choose to live by.

Judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within my process and progress, instead of accepting myself in every way before I change the parts of me I cannot accept.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others instead of realizing that everything I judge in another is actually something I judge in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge myself based on my appearance, wherein, if the judgment is that I look good, then I will feel good, and vice versa, therefore basing ho I Am on something as shallow and beyond my control as physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a heightened sense f judgment towards those closest to me, because they reflect me to myself the most, and instead of facing or even seeing the self-judgment, I project it on to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I am around others, wherein all my secret self-judgment comes up and I then experience myself as ‘shy’ and ‘awkward’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as sloppy and lazy instead of pushing myself to become more disciplined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as out of shape instead of eating well and exercising.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as boring and uncool instead of opening up and expressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a ‘debbie-downer’ instead of taking some moments sometimes to simply enjoy my environment and the people in it.

Resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist change, instead of realizing this is simply the mind’s tactic of keeping me ‘up there’ thinking and not grounded Here in the physical, working and changing through actual actions in reality, by doing and being, whereas the mind would prefer to remain the same and not change or be challenged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist pushing myself to write and do homework, instead of seeing and realizing that the experience of resistance only lasts for so long, until it gives way and I become interested and engaged in what it is I had previously been resistant toward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist taking responsibility for small things such as picking up after myself and keeping my living space clean. I do these things, but manifest resistance each time, instead of being grateful for my physical environment and all the ways it supports me and all the things I have to make life more comfortable such as clothes and dishes, a shelter and furniture.

When and as I see that I am creating and manifesting resistance towards tidying up after myself, doing dishes and laundry, vacuuming and putting items away, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to presence and awareness by bringing myself from resistance to gratefulness, wherein I am able to be grateful for each item in my environment, as well as the shelter it provides me, and so I direct myself to tidy and keep a clean living space as an act of gratefulness, with no reaction to the actions taken to do so, simply to do so with and as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest resistances towards job hunting, because it is not easy and it is humbling in that I have to start from scratch and have no experience in the field I want to work in. I direct myself to push through the resistances, and all the excuses I make to validate those resistances, and to pick up the intensity of my job hunt, as I want to be working as soon as possible.

Day 20-21 – Seeing it Through

Yesterday I had an experience of what felt like depressiveness, wherein everything felt difficult and I fell into the mind and I was not effective. As it was happening I was aware of the fact that it would not be like that forever. In fact, it has happened quite often that I have difficult days like this and I always end up being okay, bouncing back the next day. Today was as I had expected, wherein I felt much more able to direct me and I saw that everything is still Here, and I am still Here able to direct me. So, this pattern involves me falling into a depressive state, which involves self-judgment and manipulation, only to see that it is not real, it is just an experience that I am able to direct myself through so that, when I wake up the next day, I can still have taken a step, instead of having to go through the motions of having fallen the day before. It’s so obvious now, but yesterday it wasn’t at all because I was in this depressive mind-possession wherein I felt like "I wasn’t doing or being ‘enough’ and I probably never will be". I wrote a blog about it, but then I watched one of Bernard’s videos on depression and decided to see the pattern through to a solution before writing about it.

First, I will post the blog from yesterday, and then conclude with my solution and corrective application.

Day 20- Depressive Possession

I walked a very bizarre day today. I spent the entire day alone without any interaction and allowed myself to indulge in the mind wherein I experienced a recurring emotional energetic state of lostness, aloneness, and depression. I did not move me effectively and so I need a practical application with which to face this because for the next several months, aloneness will be prominent in m reality.

It’s interesting because I am coming from an environment that was ‘chaotic,’ with people and animals all the time seemingly everywhere, where at times I felt like I couldn’t ‘get away’, and I wanted peace and quiet. Now I have that, and it is not as I projected it would be. I am not serene, effective and efficient, as I imagined I would be. I created for myself a feeling of lostness, aloneness and depression, and today I let it get the best of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need ‘company’ to occupy my environment in order that I may stay present instead of drifting off into my mind.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be my own company, wherein I remain present alone with myself- no different than if I were not alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I am not already alone, even in the presence of others, because I am alone within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become so accustomed and used to living within and as personalities for others, that I do not even really know who I am when I am alone.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to know me, or to have taken the time to get to know myself as who I really am, because I have instead wasted my time pursuing endless thoughts, fantasies, imaginations, entertainment etc… distracting myself while I was missing me, not spending time within and as me as presence and self-intimacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate/connect a feeling of lostness to the emotional experience of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be lost, when I am and always have been right Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I can lose myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself in my mind, thus manifesting a feeling of ‘lostness’ instead of being present with myself and moving me within and as self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become ‘frazzled’ because I think/believe/perceive myself to be lost, and then I attempt to find me by looking for an experience of myself, or an experience of stability, an experience of what it ‘should’ feel like to ‘find’ me or be me, instead of simply stopping, breathing and coming back into the present moment where I am and always have been waiting for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the emotional energetic experience of depression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe depression to be real or to be who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become depressive, wherein I allow myself to sink into a 'depression' by accepting and allowing myself as the mind to suppress myself as Life due to my accepted and allowed participation within and as thoughts of inferiority, and self-judgment that I am not 'where I should be', or that I haven't accomplished what I 'should have' accomplished, instead of realizing that the only step I can take is the next step Here, and not skip a bunch of steps in order to be 'there' where I 'should’ be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose to continue to indulge within these thoughts/moods/emotions/feeling/beliefs because that is what I have always done, instead of realizing there is another choice and another way, I only have to go through the discomfort of breaking the habits and patterns I've become accustomed to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try/attempt to manipulate myself with depression, wherein I am attempting to fool myself into believing I am not effective, not making enough progress, not doing well enough, etc... accompanied by the belief that I cannot change .

I see, realize and understand that these are only beliefs of the mind, and they are only as real as I make them by participating within and as them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate, thus putting tasks off into a future that is not Here, it is only in my mind, wherein it exists as a future in which I will 'feel better,' 'get things done,' 'be more motivated,' thus creating an entire projection of this 'better' future and then comparing it to where I am now, thus manifesting self-judgment, self-defeat, self-pity, etc... and eventually, depression.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to utilize every Here moment to assert myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become a programmed zombie robot that only follows old habits and patterns, directed by the endless meaningless cycles of my internal experience, instead of waking up and directing me as a principled self-leader who functions in common sense.

I commit myself to waking up from the slumber I have been in for my whole Life, to stop blindly following the smoke and mirror-mazes of the thoughts, beliefs, emotions, ideas, perceptions and feelings as my internal experience as my mind, and to instead stand as principled and common sense living that takes into consideration that which is best for all.

I commit myself to stopping my patterns and habits of indulging in the mind, in which I allow me to feel lost, alone and depressed, and to instead return to the presence of breath which is Here, with everything and everyone else in existence, where aloneness is all-oneness.

I commit myself to asserting myself in every Here moment.

I commit myself to discover myself within self-intimacy and self-understanding, so as not to miss another moment as an opportunity to actually Live as me.

DAY 21 -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fallen into the mind within the belief that there is no other way, and no way out.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to assert myself despite/in spite of my internal experience, wherein I could have taken steps and furthered myself with self-direction, but instead I stagnated, thus creating the experience that I went through yesterday as an accumulation of such points.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that every moment counts, and that every moment is an opportunity which can be utilized within self-movement, as every breath I take is an opportunity to move towards self-expansion, self-intimacy and self-mastery.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that only at death is it too late, and that I can and will pick myself up every time I fall, and so within this realization, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste even one second within self-doubt, self-victimization and self-defeat, because I know that I will pick myself up and keep going, so there’s no point in contemplating it, questioning it or trying to test it out and experience it, because it is not an experience of myself, it simply IS who I am and what I will do and continue doing till it’s done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I have too much self-forgiveness and self-introspection to do that I can’t possibly sort myself out in time. “It will take time, but not an endless amount of time” –BP.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that I am my priority right now, and in order to sort myself out effectively, I need to make time for me, and direct myself to use my time more efficiently as I apply myself in this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the pattern of depressiveness again…. But-

I see, realize and understand that this recent past experience has shown me one thing: that this pattern is useless/pointless/a waste of time/does not serve me in any way whatsoever. However, I see, realize and understand that in the past, I would have bounced back into polarity, whereas today I directed me so as not to create the opposite extreme of depression (which will only set me up for another crash). I see the polarity here, and I will not participate within and as it.

I commit myself to stopping my participation in the polarities of energy by observing the repeating patters of the highs and lows I experience, by pushing through the lows until they no longer influence me in/as my application of myself, and to breathe through and not participate within the highs, because, as tempting as they may seem, they are not worth it, as all they do is return me to the cycle of then experiencing depressiveness, and thus wasting my time and my life.

Icommit myself to walking a process that will lead me to become the living realization of the absolute dedication and commitment it takes to apply myself in every moment, as well as the importance of doing so, and I commit myself to whatever amount of time it will take.

I commit myself to making “every moment count,” wherein I assert myself in every moment, despite my internal experience of myself.

When and as I see that I am facing an accumulation of points which manifests itself as depressiveness, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that the only way through is through, and that I MUST stand, I MUST push through, because it is a manifested consequence that I already created for myself, and the only thing there is to do is walk through it and learn the lesson, so as to not repeat and manifest the same consequences again.