Below is a list of questions I used to ask myself as some first steps of really getting to know ME. This is the result of my last blog where I discovered that I had placed more importance on connecting with others, generally feeling this want, need and desire to connect with them, and in so doing, ending up creating more of a desperation and shallowness in myself.
I decided to take my own approach of getting to know others, which is to ask them questions about themselves, and to flip it around and do it to myself. I found a list of questions online that start off more like small talk, and then begin to delve a bit deeper. I decided to unconditionally answer the questions, really bringing them into me and seeing what opened up, which brought through memories that I hadn't thought about in a long time, some beliefs which I hadn't yet looked at in my life to see whether they were grounded in reality or not, and some self-realizations about my life, where I'm at, my mistakes and accomplishment.
The effect this process had on me was that it left me feeling like my future is in my own hands. A bit of an unexpected effect, but nonetheless, this assisted and supported me with another different point I was looking at, which was the fear of the future/not having a plan/uncertainty.
Here it is!
- Watch Star Wars or Star Trek? Harry Potter or The Lord of the Rings? Use whichever movies you find most relevant.
I like
all the movies from these sagas, the ones that I saw. I wouldn’t necessarily
lump them together in to these categories as comparison, where it is either
this one or that one and which one is better. They all stand alone. They were
entertaining in a ‘sit back and enjoy’-type way, where the movie unfolds in
front of your eyes. This is how I watch movies if I have been to busy in my
mind, when I have a migraine coming or just passed, and when I just need to ‘turn
off’ my mind chatter to give my body a break.
But there
is a way to actively engage in movie watching that I also like to use to learn
from, either learning more about myself, humanity or the reality we have
collectively created here. For example, the moment I realized I liked star trek
was one of the first episodes I saw, where William Shatner was the captain. He
had taken away the ability of a certain alien race to annihilate planets from
afar, so that if they really wanted to destroy another planet, they would have
to do it hand-to-hand, face-to-face. This way, the alien race would have to see
the damage, destruction and devastation of war first-hand, thus showing them
the reality of war instead of it being some distant abstract event on their computer
screen. Captain Kirk could not stop the alien race as they were too strong and
powerful, so he created a situation where they would be more likely to stop
themselves, through the realization and experience of what it was they were
causing in the lives of others.
This, to
me, was an important lesson in how easy it is to dis-associate oneself from the
actual real devastation going on on our own planet. Where poverty and starvation,
war and abuse are far from home to most people that have access to this article
and the time to read it. The fact that we are currently accepting and allowing
it all to go on means we are letting it grow, and it is growing at a pace where
it is starting to show up on our doorsteps (think nuclear waste on our shores, the
refugee crises, and the extinction of species). It leaves me wondering: why do
we have to experience the consequence of something before we are moved to act?
Even when we know very well what is going on in the reality of others, we do
not move to take a stand until we are experiencing the consequences ourselves.
What would we have to be and become, what steps would we have to take, and why
do we feel so disempowered and disconnected from each other and the world?
Could it
have something to do with the fact that we are completely disconnected to
ourselves, our own physical bodies, our own truths, and the reality of
ourselves, where we instead wear masks, hide our problems, pretending
everything is fine while our problems only fester and grow beneath the surface?
It’s like the world is a manifestation of each one not taking self-responsibility
by taking a good hard look at ourselves, our own actions and the consequences
they create in our own lives and the lives of others. If you take a look, we
are all creators of this world, yet when we focus only on our self-interest in
the moment, and do not look at the outflows of our actions, when we do not take
full responsibility for them, we end up creating the reality we see today on a
larger scale.
- Read on a Kindle or paperback book? This question is a starter for many possible conversations on reading, favorite books, technology, libraries, bookstores and more!
Paperback, simply because it is more convenient. Also
I participated in laziness and never got around to setting up my kindle and
figuring out how it works. I was slightly intimidated when I checked it out,
and went into disempowerment and frustration when it was not as intuitive as I
have become used to with most technology. So moments with my kindle are not my proudest
moments. I have since lent it to someone and do not have any urge yet to ask
for it back because I am busy reading several books.
- Go to a play or musical?
A play. I
do like some musicals, but to me it is so far from reality for one or a group
of people to all of a sudden start singing with choreography, that it doesn’t
fit in to the story for me. What is the point of it? It reminds me that I am watching
something that has been rehersed, instead of feeling like I am watching
something new and fresh and in-the-moment. Oftentimes I find the songs become
too boring and repetitive, or don’t showcase the subtle nuances in a person’s
voice, which is a big art of what I like about hearing singing.
There is
one musical I really like though, it’s called les Miserables. I like it because
when I was 12 my entire grade got together to recreate this play. To my
surprise, I actually liked the story. I found it real and raw, unlike most
stories I was being told at that time. I also felt a spark within me when I saw
a huge group of people coming together to create something, and the fact that I
was a part of it. Having felt more like an outcast for most of my schooling, I
now felt like I was a part of something and contributing towards it.
I
remember being so pleasantly surprised at the talent of my peers when they
would sing and learn to harmonize together. I was proud of us all for what we were
able to create when we all worked together. There was no competition present,
which was the case for most of the occasions in which large bodies of students would
come together, and this felt ‘right’ to me. It was something I had never
experienced before, where I was considered, I was given a role (back-stage crew
lol!), and I felt like a was an important part and contributing towards the
creation of something big.
This entire
experience left a mark on me which I connected to this specific play, where,
every time I see it I access a sense of that being proud and feeling important.
But I have also grown an appreciation for the story, specifically with the main
character Jean Valjean, and the principles he sticks to. Even inspector Javert
is trying to do the right thing. And then there is the historical part about
the French Revolution, and I could relate to the underdogs, that feeling of wanting
to rise up and fight for oneself. Although I have since developed my own set of
principles which differs from those in the musical, I have seen the
difficulties and challenges one can face when living according to principle
instead of living according to feelings and emotions and self-interest, and I
could relate to the characters and the plot in that sense.
- Go to the theater or a movie?
Movie. I
like the stream-lined experience where the thing plays out in a smoothly edited
way. I also don’t like how in the theatre it seems like the character are
yelling and you don’t get those intimate-close up details that you get from a
movie where the camera can zoom in and the actors can be speaking normally or
even in a whisper. Plus, movies area more casual, wheras when I go to the theatre
I find everybody to be dressed up and acting all fancy, which makes me feel
constricted and like I can’t breathe because I may do the wrong thing or behave
in the wrong way and then everybody will give me those glances that I am not
acting properly according to the situation.
I guess
the theatre has a certain prestige about it because it is more expensive and
there is this stigma that only the well-off can afford to go. I have not been
to too many theatre performances for the reason of cost, and attended mostly
while I was in college and my friends that took drama would invite me to see
the play for cheap or free. On other occasions it would be this big ‘special treat’
that was supposed to be a big deal. I have a really hard time with being in a
situation where people are acting differently than they normally would, even
though I do this all the time. I act differently around different people or in
different situations – but it is usually due to the fact that I am feeling
insecure, out-of-place, where I am trying to fit in or be liked. All of this does
not showcase integrity, I am not proud of it and I don’t like how it makes me
feel.
So in these situations I feel like this negative experience I have within
myself is amplified because everyone
is ‘acting’, and it is reflecting back to me those instances when I ‘act’ which
are usually overwhelmingly negative experiences for me.
- Wear jeans or chinos?
I prefer
shorts or yoga pants. First, because I like my legs and find I look good in
shorts, secondly because I have broad shoulders so I tend to want to emphasize
my narrower waist so as not to appear too big and square. So skinny jeans are
cool, but usually tight and uncomfortable. Chinos – I had to google that one,
they are like kakis, which are loose fitting. I would wear any of these, but if
the bottom it loose I would be sure to wear a fitted top, which also isn’t
always comfortable. With my broad shoulders and larger breasts, I find it hard
to find tops that look good on me AND are comfortable, so I generally keep the
bottom part tight and stretchy, like yoga pants, and give myself a break on the
top.
I have
walked quite a process with my body, body image, appearance and sexuality. I
had compromised so much of myself, and my body, throughout my life and as I
learned about sexuality and what it is to be a woman. I have come to a place of
embracing my body, playing with my appearance as my picture presentation,
accepting myself no matter what, and ensuring my clothes are comfortable and
practical first and foremost.
The
struggle came with the ‘high’ I would feel when I would see I was attractive in
the eyes of men. To me, growing into insecurity, lack of self-confidence and self-worth,
attracting males became my reason for being. It was as if it was the only interaction
that would give me a positive feeling while the rest of my life seemed like a
sea of negativity. I excelled nowhere, was not comfortable with others, did not
like my appearance nor my clothes, felt I had no style, that I would never
accomplish anything. I had let go of some really good friends that I felt I was
real with, in order to gain popularity and felt a deep sense of shame about
that, as if I had sold myself out, the last of me that remained from those
parts of my childhood where I experienced joys and excitement, passion and
interests. And so I turned to sexuality to feel better, because I was
attractive and thought it was one place where I could be better.
Since
then and after walking an extensive process of self-forgiveness and
self-change, I have committed to never again compromise myself or sell myself
out. It had become such an ingrained habit, and the high was like a drug, that it
took moment to moment application over time to change my ways. Now, if I look good and attractive, I do not
let it affect who I am. If I begin to get a positive rush, I breathe and bring
myself back down knowing the consequences of following it and where it will
lead me. I instead bring my SELF forward, as who I am in that moment, and where I am at, surrendering to the reality of the moment and seeing what of me can come forth.
I realize beauty fades and youth ages, and if I place my value and
worth into these things I will have nothing of myself left. I see the value and
importance of developing a self that can stand no matter what, a self that is
self-fulfilled and has lived self-worth in thought, word and deed. I now give
myself purpose and meaning as a self-willed act, and live out my decisions and
choices and deal with the consequences in a way that is best for me with a
consideration of everyone else here with me.
- Have a Margarita or Pina Colada?
Pina
Colada – I love coconut flavour. But if I could choose anything, it would be a
glass of red wine, which I find calming and soothing. I no longer drink to get
drunk. That ended when I understood that alcohol was the manifestation of
self-defeat. Self-defeat because I drank it to be able to do things I perceived
I could not do sober, such as have fun, interact with others, sing and dance,
not be bored, connect with others, develop intimacy, be comfortable with men
and sex, express myself uninhibitedly, and so much more. This stuff had been so
normalized by my culture and those around me that I did not even question it at
the time, but I see it now.
Since I
stopped drinking, I have pushed myself in these areas, and man, has it been a
tough process. I realized how high strung
I had become, where I guess you can call it social anxiety, but for me it had
become this constant thing that I would even experience around those I was
close to and comfortable with in a given situation, especially ones of conflict or
vulnerability. I would have such an emotionally intense internal experience
where I found it difficult to even talk. Pushing myself to be vulnerable or
stand up to someone that was angry and loud would send waves of dread and
anxiety over me, and I sometimes still experience this to this day.
Being in
groups with new people or even people I knew, I would be experiencing all sorts
of fears being triggered and self-judgments coming up within me, affecting my voice and body
language, and I would oftentimes just want to disappear and become invisible.
In intimate situations I would go quiet or change the topic or act really silly
because I would feel this squirminess within myself. To this day this stuff
still persists, but it is much better now. I sometimes lose track of my
progress because I forget how different I was back then, and I end up only
comparing myself to a future projection of where I want to be, so it’s always
good to remember the process and where we’ve come from and appreciate the work
we’ve put in.
Now when
I am in these situations I slow down within myself by breathing and
appreciating the foundation of SELF I have created over the years. I can more
quickly move through and resolve the reactions that come up, and realize that
the fears and anxieties are unsubstantiated. I make sure that when I speak, it
is not to impress, manipulate, downplay or do anything but express what it is I
want to communicate. The mind can move fast and sometimes things slip through,
but with taking a few breaths and slowing down beforehand, I am actually clearing
space within myself to see more clearly the automation I had programmed into
and as myself over time, to be able to not let it affect who and how I am in
the moment. In this way, I more clearly communicate myself as the person I want
to be and the change in myself I want to see, instead of falling into old
habits and patterns that actually diminish me through self-compromise.
- Drink a glass of Guinness or Fat Tire?
I think
what tis question is trying to determine is the difference between a hearty
beer drinker, or it’s apparent polar opposite, a fruity cocktail drinker. I
would not say I fall into one category or the other, because when I make a
decision about what I would like to consume in a moment, I first check with my
body to see if there is a preference, and that preference can change based on
so many variables.
So, if I
am in the mood for a guiness, it could be about what I am pairing it with, what
I ate that day, how my stomach is feeling etc… same thing with the fruity cocktail,
I do like sweet things, but sometimes I am just not in the mood for it.
I would
probably more often lean towards the sweet drink due to my sweet tooth ,but
sometimes I like the long smoothe experience of the guiness. If I were to have
one or the other right now for example, it would be the guiness.
- Drink coffee or beer?
Both. I
like one or two or three cups of coffee in the morning, and if I were to drink
a beer it would be with lunch, dinner or at night. This is based on the idea that coffee wakes me up, and that
if I drink beer before noon then I can be considered an alcoholic lol! But see
there? It is based on ideas and not simple practical reality. I have drank
coffee at night and slept shortly after, and I have drank alcohol in the
morning, like having a guiness with breakfast on st patty’s day, or a mimosa
with brunch, because they are apparently socially acceptable to drink early in
the day on special occasions. Maybe one day I will switch it up and have a beer
with my breakfast and a coffee after dinner just to show myself that I don’t
need to follow these rules I have deeply ingrained into myself. I know I am not
an alcoholic, so why would I not have a beer in the morning? Probably due to he
perception of others and what they might think! It is fascinating how we base
our life and living on the rule we hold within ourselves instead of simply
living practically according to common sense and the physical reality feedback
we directly receive.
- Crash with friends or stay in a hotel?
Hotel – I
love the experience of being alone in a hotel room. This is just right now
though where I currently live with a lot of people and have much stimulation in
my daily life. If I were living alone I would probably choose to crash at a friend’s
place to get a little social interaction moving in my life.
I used to
work at an emergency assistance company in a northern climate where they would put
us up in a hotel room during blizzards just to ensure we would not miss work.
Missing work was simply not an option. I would go to the nearby mall and shop
around a bit, maybe get a new outfit for the next day, or some nice bath stuff,
candles and food. I would go into the hotel room and take a bath, or put on a movie
and eat take-out sushi, making the situation into a really nice experience
where I would simply spend time alone with myself. I just loved the independence
I would feel, because at that time
I was married and had been living for so
long with my partner. I had unfortunately developed a pattern of dependence on
him and never really taken steps to forge my own way. In an attempt to correct
this I went back to school, got a degree and got a better job, so the whole
hotel experience was like stretching out these new wings I had given myself.
Since
then I have done many things, moved countries, gone on trips with friends, gone
on trips alone, taken myself out on dates alone, lived alone and so much more,
all to live and create ‘independence’ – what I learned throughout all of it is
that you don’t necessarily have to do all of these things to develop this word
in yourself, it can be done as an internal process in daily life where you take
self-responsibility, don’t look to others to make decisions for you or solve
your problems, don’t blame others for your situation or circumstances, learn to
figure things out for yourself and stuff like that. For me, I chose to walk a
whole process internally and externally, and I would say the internal process
and self-change has had more of an effect than much of the things I actually
did. What those things did was make me face things sooner, placed me in
situation where I had no choice BUT to do it on my own, and proved to myself
that I could handle things on my own, go
places, create a life… there was a time where this would have only been a
fantasy, but now I see that I can do anything I set myself to, so it is now a
matter of preference of if I would like to do it with someone, or alone.
- Visit Europe or Mexico?
Mexico – I
love the heat, beaches and the ocean, along with the power of my dollar in that
country, so I know I will not bust the bank. I am from Canada, the French part
which is a bit European and is a city. I have less interest in seeing more
cities, and prefer more wild or tropical environments as I find it more relaxing
and peaceful. Not to say there are no peaceful places in Europe, I am sure
there are and it is just my ignorance about all the little nooks and crannies
that may exist there that I don’t know about. I generally associate that entire
union as cold and cloudy with lots of cities and hustle and bustle, with
rolling countrysides filled with sheep and old castles, with people that think
they are better than others… pretty stereotypical stuff like that.
When I
think of less-developed countries I think of them as closer to reality, where
the laws are looser, there is less political correctness, people are more laid
back, there’s less rules or the rules are more bendable, and so there is
seemingly more ‘freedom’ to move around and explore.
- Vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why?
Hawaii
because if I am near the ocean, I want to go in it to swim and play, rather
than just look at it. Whenever I see nature, I want to be IN it, up close,
touch it, smell it, interact with it. I am from a northern country so I like to
get a break from the cold. I am sure Alaska is beautiful and stunning to see,
and I would like to see it one day, but I tend towards the heat and sun,
beaches and such, I find it more comfortable.
I hear
Hawaii is expensive though, so I see that I constantly have money on the brain
from my childhood where it was a constant issue during my developmental years
where I felt helpless to do anything about it, and then when I started working,
I had no money management skills and would spend all the money I had, and so
again felt helpless like I would never have enough.
When I
did develop money skills I was always in a situation where my money was needed
for something, due to constant moving, relocating and eventually in the last 4
years it was aggressively paying off very old debt and saving up to move to SA
for three years where I would have not much extra income. So, if I look at it
more objectively and without the memories or situations I had been in, I see
that I can in fact support myself, hold down a job and make money. It’s only
when I participate in my thoughts and memories, and the fears and insecurities
that brings up that I feel the helplessness again.
- Choose a free trip or money? This may tell you whether the person values experiences over dollars.
Money. I
have travelled extensively already and ironically, was never one to really have
the travel bug. Besides, I am already on a ‘trip’ anyways, being that I live in
south Africa for three years while I come from Canada. But because I don’t at
the moment, have a plan for what I will do afterwards, it makes more sense for
me to have money to support myself while I am here as well as to have a cushion
for when my stay here is done.
I have,
since I started getting serious with Desteni, always had a distinct plan and
have made it happen and seen it through. Right now, I don’t have such a plan,
and it has been causing fears and uncertainties to arise, because I feel I
should be working towards something always, and if I am not building something
then I am wasting time. However, I have taken this time now to really slow down
in what feels like a ‘starting from scratch’ way, where I am undoing and
unlearning the ‘survival skills’ I had developed, which for me has been living
in anxiety and stress most of the time. I am re-programming myself to learn how
to live in such a way that is sustainable, where I am not accumulating pressure
into and as myself to a point where I have some degree of a breakdown in order
to reset myself.
Now, with
my daily walks, breathing, writing, moving and directing myself, I see a new
perspective coming through one where I will be ok no matter what, knowing I
will always find a solution, and that I can create a life in which I am
supporting myself and others no matter where I end up. I have learned here on
the farm that there is no certainty except self trust – in that I cannot
predict or perfectly plan how any event will play out, but I can depend on me,
knowing that I will make the best of it in creating a life that supports me,
that is best for me, that is my best.
13. University or life experience, which
do you feel best prepares you for life?
There is
no possible way to predict what will best prepare you, you have to make a
choice and try it, try different avenues and assess along the way. I would say
there are some parameters you can use to support you in your decision-making
process. For example, if you definitely know you want a career as an
accountant, lawyer or doctor, you know that you will need the schooling. If you
are less certain, then I would say try out some things to see what you like and
where you might be a good fit. Look at your strengths, talk to people, do some
research and move yourself. The one thing that is certain is that if you don’t
move and remain stagnant, then you are in essence ‘wasting time’ you could be
using to move towards an answer/path/solution.
- What is the one thing that should be taught in school that isn’t already?
Common
sense, how to think critically, basic life skills and how to work with feelings
and emotions.
These are
the skills we need in our day-to-day lives in order to be effective human
beings. Basic math, reading and writing, as well as computer work is essential
as well, but the memorization of facts and the white-washed history we learn as
propaganda is not only useless, but trains our children to become individuals
that follow rules unquestionably, walk the line, supress their own uniqueness
and strengths as they must fit into a mold through standardized testing that
teachers must adhere to.
Success,
striving and self-development do not come from certificates and degrees,
although those may be necessary, the reality of life is that it is in who we
are as individuals within ourselves, how we take responsibility for our lives
and self-responsibility for ourselves, how we are able to support ourselves not
only financially and practically, but emotionally as well.
For me
personally, it was a very tough process to unlearn the self-image I had developed
through my schooling years because I was not interested, was bored, did not excel,
was quiet and reserved and ended up believing I was incapable of most things in
life. It is only through walking my own process of learning and development
that I proved this all wrong, but what if I had walked this process in school
instead of afterwards?
The best
education I got was from an individual that taught me how to maintain a
household in terms of cooking, cleaning, maintaining my car, having fun, doing
a lot with a little, taking care of my body and my things, staying organized in
the house, and pushing self-development every day through every-day means.
When I
had this stuff down, I became better at work because I had my life in order and
was not carrying around the accumulated burdens of a disorganized life on top
of the pressures of working life.
I also
had the self-development through self-understanding that I learned through
desteni. This is the most important piece of my puzzle when it comes to the
success I was able to create for myself, and how I was able to make everything
else in my life do-able. That is because this process works with the internal
self, and clears it out to the point where you become your own safe-haven, calm
in the storm, your own best support, your own fulfillment, you give yourself
meaning and purpose, which becomes a reason why. Why you keep pushing, why you
keep striving, why you make it through the tough times, and why you never, ever
give up. I also taught myself and learned through others how to create and
develop qualities I wanted, like confidence, stability, ease of interaction
with others, the ability to learn – all of these skills had been stagnating in
differing degrees of disfunction in my life for many years before I took them
on and made a concerted effort towards self-development.
So, what
I am suggesting is a more well-rounded approach, where home life, one’s own
internal reality, as well as working life are all equally addressed, because
they are all equally important for what we face on a daily basis in this world.
- If you were to create a piece of art, what would the subject be?
Something
along the lines of breaking through one’s own internal prison into and as one’s
own self-creation. I think art is a very effective way to illustrate the
principles one lives by and the effect that can have in one’s life. When I
reflect on the kind of art I would make, I see it would always have a starting
point illustrating the problem, then the solution, and the outflows of living
that solution.
Because there is always going to be problems, issues, obstacles
and such in life, and there is always a solution, even if it is one you may not
have expected. Yet we tend to let these problems, obstacles, hurdles and issues
in our lives bog us down and throw us off course, when in fact we are all
creators here. There is always a lesson and a path that opens up even from the
darkest of situations. The story may be different for those living in poverty
and starvation that have no chance at making a better life for themselves, but
we here in positions where we can create a life should do so to the best of our
ability, should support those less-fortunate to lift them up and teach them
what we’ve learned, giving
them an equal opportunity to make a life for
themselves.
- What one thing would you change if you had to do it over?
I would
be home-schooled or placed into an alternative school with less students and
more of a focus on the individual’s unique strengths and abilities. This way I
would avoid much of the experiences that caused me problems well into my adult
life, and instead have developed those qualities and strengths that I innately
had.
I would
then have focused more on my passion and followed it instead of having tried to
fit in to the system. From there I would have chosen a more appropriate
academic path to align more with who I was.
I am
looking here at practical changes that I could have made knowing what I knew
then. But the path I walked has brought me to the point I am at now and I am
doing my best to make the most of it from here on out. What I can do now is let
go of my past and become the best version of myself, which is the starting
point and goal of the changes I would have made, so it’s really never too late.
What I can also do is to learn from the difficulties and mistakes, walk a
process to change myself and share that process for others to learn from so that
they can learn from my experience. That is the principle of being one with and
equal to all life here, where we come together to learn from and support one
another as if it were ourselves. Placing ourselves in the shoes of another and
learning from them, supporting them and being supported by them in order to
create the best outcome for everyone.
- If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to?
I would
go back to the 1999 when I was 17-18, and I would get to know desteni and Bernard
poolman back then, and started to learn about process and maybe even planned
earlier to travel to SA by 2004 to come and learn directly. But really, this is
just to answer the question. Reality will play out and points will be faced no
matter what year it is or what you know or don’t know, so this place and time
for me is the best place and time because it is reality and I am here in it,
able to move and direct and learn from my mistakes and grow from them. The fact
that we don’t get a do-over is perhaps specific to life here, where everything
matters because this is the one shot. How would we change if we got a do-over?
Would we really try so hard or push ourselves? It makes me think of groundhog day
where Bill Murray has to do the same day over and over until he is FORCED to change,
but that is still a power outside of him that is creating the circumstances within
which he changes. What does that say about his own empowerment or who he is?
It does not empower him as his core, his SELF, but forces him to rely on
outside forces to force him to learn and change. We don’t have outside forces
in reality, we only have ourselves, so it must come from US, each individual
one of us to change our SELF at our core, through learning, making mistakes, and
growing and expanding from them.
- What does your life say about you?
My life
is full of mistakes and wrong paths, along with the underlying theme of never
giving up. My life shows that I am exploring ways to push myself to be the best
that I can be, within and without. It shows that I broke my mold and went
against the grain, that I am on a mission of self-discovery.
My life
also shows a lot of self-created problems and limitations that I struggle with,
self-made excuses, justifications and much, much room for improvement, but I
will get there, the speed at which I do depends solely on myself, and the strengths and qualities I have developed as a result of the challenges and adversities.
It causes
a bit of friction in me that right now I am making an effort to slow down. I
get the surges that I must move faster and do more, but these are the same
surges that drive me to break-down, so I am learning how to move myself without
the surges as they are filled with anxiety and pressure. Rather I move as
self-movement, as a decision, and see things through properly, which sometimes
means moving slowly. Sometimes we need to speed up as well, it’s all about
finding the balance and identifying the moments and applying self accordingly.
- How would your friends describe you?
I have no
idea. I would say you would have to ask them, but ask them in a situation where
they knew I would never hear the answer so as not to influence them to only speak
the good things. That, I think, would be most beneficial to hear, because we do
rely on one another to point out he parts of ourselves that we cannot see, and
it takes a certain amount of courage to be able to do so, because then we face
the reactive, resistant and defensive parts of each other. This is where self-responsibility
comes in, where we learn not to take it out on others within and through blame,
projection and separation, but take in all information objectively and see what
we can learn from it.
www.desteni.org
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