Self-Care: micro blog from Desteni Universe

#ACTIONSHOT(S)

After over a week of intense PMS, OCD and ABCDEFG, I was getting to my wits end in terms of NOT really knowing or feeling equipped to support myself, feeling like nothing's working day after day as I was sinking deeper into physical and emotional discomfort and despair... except that in pushing myself, practicing actions of self care, basically going back to the basics of process in terms of also reaching out for support, talking, writing, breathing, getting my ass UP and OUT into nature, the sun, fresh air, despite wanting only to curl up into a little ball and sleep, avoid, distract (and yes, I did these things as well).... I learned a very valuable lesson.

Now, looking back at it from 'the other side', I can see that, although these things felt like they were being done 'in vain' AT THE TIME, I see now that each effort, each push, each action of self-care and self-support was in fact me taking a step, laying a brick, placing a tile in and as the foundation of self in order to create a SELF that can STAND no matter what.

In the photos that follow you'll see simple acts of pushing and self-care: me doing a face mask to soothe my irritated skin, cooking a proper breakfast as part of my 'healthy habit' challenge, getting out for a walk when I really wanted to stay in and watch movies all day, going to the POOL in my BATHING SUIT despite being bloated to twice my normal size!!! There are many more things I did that are not pictured here, like talking to my partner, writing, lots of breathing and moments alone with stretching, slowing down, speaking self-forgiveness, and directing tasks that were weighing down on me.

And it all felt like a meaningless struggle while doing it, as I kept going back to the inner turmoil, the despair. However, now that I am coming out on the other side, I see that what is developed through this kind of persistence, consistency and application, despite the experience at the time, is a self-trust, a discipline, a stand and a stance that shows me and let's me know (I show myself and let myself know) that even in my lowest, most confused, uncertain points, I will do my damndest, push my hardest, try everything to support myself and find solutions, and never, ever give up on me.

So, here's to self-care, self-love, self-movement and all the basics of self-forgiveness, self-correction, breathing and writing, as we each push through our ups and downs, our challenges and triumphs, in order to find ourselves and show ourselves what we are really made of and in fact capable of.

Here's to process and Desteni, Bernard Poolman, Susan Spies and the farmies for standing as the living, leading examples, and all destonians for doing the same so that no one ever has to walk alone.

Feeling grateful and grounding myself Here :). Thanks erbody for being Here!

Day 266 - "Blessed are Those who have not seen and yet have Believed.”

"Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” (John 20:24-29 ESV) 

 

I never met Bernard Poolman, I never saw the things he could do or felt his presence next to me, I never spoke to him in the flesh, feeling his sound and having that direct experience of his words, yet I choose to be Destonian. I tried the tools and began the process of learning how to live the principles even before I had seen them in action directly in my own life,  I had only the testimony of others and my own living actions to show me if what I suspected was true, if what I was open to being possible and what resonated with me on deep levels was actionable and effective, and that common sense was in fact key despite being brought up in a world that functions in opposition to it.

When the apostle Thomas was told that Jesus had risen from the dead after three days, he could not believe, would not believe until he saw it himself, in the flesh. And only then, when Jesus appeared to him and he could touch his wounds and feel his body would he believe that it was real. And here I wonder, why was it about one man, one body, instead of being about the message itself that Thomas had learned, lived and understood for three years prior. Why did he need proof through the miracle of one man when the message itself was the answer. Why did the evidence have to come from an external source in separation of himself in order to be believed, when the message of forgiveness, of ‘doing unto others’ and ‘love thy neighbour’ need only common sense to confirm and living application to prove.

Bernard never wanted followers, worshippers or believers, he rather wanted self-honest, individuals capable of critical thought and who learn to trust themselves. He wanted us to live the message and prove ourselves to SELF. Having evidence and proof in the form of miracles or super-natural phenomena poses a bit of a problem, as it plays on our desire to worship things outside ourselves, to function based on externalized belief only, separating ourselves from any ability to be Christlike (the living word) and leaving us instead to be Christian (knowledge and information without practical application), followers, bowing down to something apparently greater than ourselves, confusing that abdication of responsibility with humility.

Desteni is not Christianity, but there are parallels in the principles of what it means and what is required to change in each man and in this world. It is not about making it to some apparent ‘heaven ‘ only after death, but to create heaven on earth, the  heaven that is Here but not yet realized - from the hell that is our current reality – to take responsibility for the creation of this reality, to understand the parts of ourselves that allowed reality to come to be this way, and to change those ugly things we see into things that are actually beneficial, within forgiveness and not judgment.

I personally am one that believed even though I had not seen. I believed because it made sense, and I continue to believe because I have proven it to myself over ten years, I believe because of cross-referenceable feedback from my environment and reality over time, and I believed before I met the portal in the flesh, observed and interacted with her over an extended period of time, because it did not matter who or what the source is or was, it is the words, the tools, the principles and the message that matters, and from here there is only confirmation, or correction, re-alignment when and as necessary, never judging  as good or bad, but rather seeing what’s here and directing it based on the principle of doing what’s Best For All in Oneness and Equality, it is a learning process, a physical application, and not a blind faith to recite or look to others to believe in.

I did not believe based on a starting point of worshipping another, placing another above myself, looking only to the deeds and abilities of someone else other than me. I believed because I knew I was capable of so much more, because I did not place any limitation on my own potential, but chose instead to push and see for myself what my potential is, only to realize that every time I thought I found my limits, I was capable of more. And in the process of being open to believing at first, and then trying and testing it out for myself in my own life, did I develop the self-trust through seeing, realizing, understanding and applying, and as I stand now, it feels as though this process is only starting, and starts again every day. The proof is in and as Self, in living application. actionable correction with follow through, in feedback, in cross-reference.... the proof is in the pudding, as they say.

I am a changed being, and continue to change as I breath by breath live my application in the physical and work with physical reality over time. My life and living is and will be the living proof and my testimony to others that the Desteni message is Here, is real, and is the most effective way to change self, and so change the world. The potential is Here to create a world that is Best for All. Will we realize that potential, or will we choose the path of  blind faith, non-action, bowing down and consequence forevermore?

Day 97- Paralyzing Pain (pt 2)

This is a continuation of my last blog, wherein I described waking up in pain worse than I've ever experienced 'out of the blue', meaning- without a direct accident or injury. The perspectve given in italics and surrounded by quotes is from this support article I found and am working through the suggestions given.

Anxiety Strain Fear Uncertainty Judgment Resistance

“This is your individual process - really. Stop accepting/allowing you to be preoccupied with other human beings. I suggest you also have a look at the words above. Where within your world you are still accepting / allowing you to participate in such emotions without applying you effectively and stopping them immediately”

 

Anxiety

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed anxiety to continue to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to participate within and as anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to allow anxiety about the job that I do.

When and as I see that I am growing anxious about the job that I do- whether I’ll get a good one, the ‘right’ one, make enough money or make the right decisions I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself out of the energetic experience of anxiety by reminding myself that I can only work with what is Here, and make decisions based on each step as it comes, and that anxiety within this is not necessary to do it right or do it well, all I require is me, present and aware, Here, doing one thing at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to participate in anxiety about school.

When and as I see that I am participating in anxious thoughts about school, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself out of the anxious energy by reminding myself that I’m doing fine, and I can even rather enjoy the process of school and take it as an interest or a hobby that I can immerse myself in as I take it one step at a time till its’ done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest anxiety within and about my relationships.

When and as I see that I am creating anxiety within and about my relationships, I stop, and I breathe, I bring myself out of the energetic experience of anxiety by remembering that I am walking this process for me, and that the relationships I am in or develop in my world present me with new opportunities to see myself as who I am, to face myself as who and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be, and to challenge me to stand in moments where I am presented with the choice between self-responsibility and self-abdication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious about money.

When and as I see that I am projecting my mind in to the future about money and creating anxiety around the fact that money is not a guarantee- yet it is guaranteed that I will always need it and there’s so much I want to do, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself out of anxiety and back to the present moment by reminding myself that no matter what happens, I will do everything I can to support myself, and I will use all available resources to do so.

Strain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself within stopping a couple of habits I am directing myself to stop, instead of realizing that I can stop in one breath, and that it is not a strain, it is a choice made over and over to not stop, and until I make the decision and stand absolute within it, I must simply stop each times and breathe, no strain- simply stopping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create strain in my relationships, wherein I strain myself as my thoughts that I am responsible for everyone to step up and realize themselves, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I must step up first, and realize myself as Life, and my place and responsibility in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself by creating and holding high expectations of myself, without charting or mapping out a way or practical list of steps I must take to ‘get there’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself by getting down on myself when I turn out to not be perfect, instead of being patient with myself as I slowly change myself to that which I would like to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strain myself by wanting and desiring to be done and changed and have it all figured out NOW, instead of giving myself the time of breath, as everything in this world moves breath by breath and cannot move any faster than that.

Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word ‘money’ with fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting sick and being useless and dependent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the thought of getting sick and becoming useless and dependent with fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being rejected by friends and family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the thought of being rejected by friends and family with fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear regretting my career path choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the thought of regretting my career path choices with fear and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

Uncertainty

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as uncertainty within my relationship and whether or not: the decision will stand, we will stand and the end result will be what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as uncertainty within my job choices and whether it is the best choice that will give me the best results fastest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as uncertainty with where I have chosen to live- whether it was the best choice or would things be better  in the other location.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as uncertainty with my choice of degrees, whether it was the best choice for me and will it lead to a career that suits me, or will it lead to a career at all?

I see, realize and understand that because I cannot predict the future, Life will always be full of ‘uncertainties’, and that the only thing I have control over making certain is Who I Am and how I apply myself in this life and this world, and so long as I have certainty within myself, then I can be certain that I can and will direct my life and world to an outcome that serves me and the principles I choose to live by.

Judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within my process and progress, instead of accepting myself in every way before I change the parts of me I cannot accept.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others instead of realizing that everything I judge in another is actually something I judge in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge myself based on my appearance, wherein, if the judgment is that I look good, then I will feel good, and vice versa, therefore basing ho I Am on something as shallow and beyond my control as physical appearance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a heightened sense f judgment towards those closest to me, because they reflect me to myself the most, and instead of facing or even seeing the self-judgment, I project it on to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I am around others, wherein all my secret self-judgment comes up and I then experience myself as ‘shy’ and ‘awkward’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as sloppy and lazy instead of pushing myself to become more disciplined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as out of shape instead of eating well and exercising.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as boring and uncool instead of opening up and expressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a ‘debbie-downer’ instead of taking some moments sometimes to simply enjoy my environment and the people in it.

Resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist change, instead of realizing this is simply the mind’s tactic of keeping me ‘up there’ thinking and not grounded Here in the physical, working and changing through actual actions in reality, by doing and being, whereas the mind would prefer to remain the same and not change or be challenged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist pushing myself to write and do homework, instead of seeing and realizing that the experience of resistance only lasts for so long, until it gives way and I become interested and engaged in what it is I had previously been resistant toward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist taking responsibility for small things such as picking up after myself and keeping my living space clean. I do these things, but manifest resistance each time, instead of being grateful for my physical environment and all the ways it supports me and all the things I have to make life more comfortable such as clothes and dishes, a shelter and furniture.

When and as I see that I am creating and manifesting resistance towards tidying up after myself, doing dishes and laundry, vacuuming and putting items away, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to presence and awareness by bringing myself from resistance to gratefulness, wherein I am able to be grateful for each item in my environment, as well as the shelter it provides me, and so I direct myself to tidy and keep a clean living space as an act of gratefulness, with no reaction to the actions taken to do so, simply to do so with and as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest resistances towards job hunting, because it is not easy and it is humbling in that I have to start from scratch and have no experience in the field I want to work in. I direct myself to push through the resistances, and all the excuses I make to validate those resistances, and to pick up the intensity of my job hunt, as I want to be working as soon as possible.