Day 325 – The Promise of Justice

The world is not fair, life is not fair, there is no such thing as fairness nor a just reward. There is only equality, input and output, you get what you deserve, equal to what you have given, whether you know and understand it or not. You may only understand when you finally receive as you have given, whether it’s good or bad. Don’t lie to yourself, be honest with yourself, and see how you have created your life exactly as it is right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat others as I would never want to be treated, in terms of my backchat, the thoughts I have, the judgments I make, and even if I don’t act on it, I see it and realize it is going on inside of me and accept and allow it through my participation in it without fully understanding how I created it through willful ignorance before fully understanding the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of directing or being direct, go into backchat and judgment about another’s points they are facing as it comes through in their behaviour, not seeing and realizing that I don’t fully understand their behaviour when I am not completely self- honest with myself and so cannot direct it, support it or direct myself within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a bitch to energy, instead of being a bitch that stands for Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know what I am capable of, yet refuse to live it, because I always want to be learning, learning instead of doing and being, choosing instead to be the perpetual student learning lessons for fear of stepping up and stepping out and being real, being me as I know I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself ,Kim, refuse to take responsibility for what I see, out of fear of how others will react to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to be the perfect system person that accommodates everyone, instead of acting on what I see is common sense instantly, and to be the motherfucker I know I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that motherfucker in me. I see and realize that it took a dog to attack my partner and pierce her leg, for me to see the motherfucker in me, the beast in me in how I can scream at someone, yell at and destroy them, yet I fear to be the same in basic daily points, and therefore I have accepted and allowed absolute consequence for me to stand up from, instead of seeing and realizing the point of prevention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to manipulate my reality, to care for me to the point where my reality shows no care and I become the only point that has to stand up to care, real care, and because of my manipulation to care I have caused the problem only to be cared for when I know I have had enough care, and I should instead LIVE REAL care for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist open self forgiveness with another, because I fear it exposing me and where I have hidden myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself within self-forgiveness as being a personal point and not an open point, and therefore I have resisted seeing myself with another/others openly through hiding myself within self forgiveness as being a personal ‘private’ point.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have hidden my absolute power as seeing and understanding from others, and the gift I have to give openly without fear, through hiding and justifying why I cannot do self forgiveness openly, and expose myself to all Life. and within that have diminished myself to hide and always feel hidden to never have a voice, yet I see and realize the moment I can speak my self forgiveness openly for all to see, my voice becomes equal and one, open and for all to see, with no fear, because I know who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a motherfucker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a bitch and a motherfucker.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be a bitch and a motherfucker for what the fuck is best for all, seeing each individual point that will flourish within speaking and exposing what is here as who I am because I know myself, and I want to honour myself.

Purchasing Self-Expression: The Perfect Perpetual Industry

I had an experience in my life where I moved from a corporate office environment in Canada, to a farm in South Africa, and then to a mountain town in Panama where I work from home. With these changes came some serious wardrobe changes, where my clothes from one environment were pretty much useless in the next one.

The interesting thing I noted was how the clothing and accessory changes changed my experience of myself. Where, in the office I would be quite fancy, with jewelry that matched my outfit, hair done, sometimes even with the nails and definitely makeup. I felt quite glamorous and professional, and a fresh new outfit would have me walking into the office full of confidence.

On the farm and in Panama, my clothing became purely practical. I noticed I felt I was now lacking certain experiences. I felt less confident, slower and less vibrant. I had to learn how to live these expressions now in Who I Was, because I could no longer simply purchase them from a store.  

With the glamour point which links in to the consumerism point, for me what I see is where an entire industry has been built around people seeking to fulfill desires – desires which have arisen from us not accepting and allowing ourselves to live certain expressions, and so separating ourselves from those expressions, leaving us feeling ‘unfulfilled’.

We then seek to fulfill ourselves through the experience a product or lifestyle (or any external experience) will apparently give us, which will obviously never be enough as we are not living it for ourselves. So we keep bouncing back and forth from one polarity to the other – from fulfilled (only temporarily as an experience) to unfulfilled (the reality of Self through separating Self from living self-expression) – thus creating the perfect industry: the more money you have, the more you can spend on attempting fulfillment. The more glamour in this case, the more the person is showing how unfulfilled they actually are, and so have to keep paying to keep the feeding the experience.

The cool part is that you can look at what desire the product represents that we are seeking to fulfill, and then see how that can be lived as a living expression of Self instead, thus creating actual self-fulfillment – where glamour can then become an act self-expression (which means if it were lost or taken away, we would not change).

The not so cool part is that until we fulfill ourselves as living expressions, we will be consumers of experience, consuming Life as the resources of the earth in self-interest as we seek to fulfill our desires that we ourselves created in the first place through separation.

Finding My Self-Expression

One of the keys to releasing the accumulated energy of OCD has been to learn about and live self-expression. This self-expression as Who I Really Am, beneath the layers of anxiety, fear, anticipation, urgency, rush, avoidance, control and so many other internal experiences, seems to be buried so deep that I feel I cannot access it. 

The question I am left wondering is – Who Am I beyond or beneath OCD? It has become so much a part of what I do, how I behave and what I express that I have built an entire self-definition, self-image, self-identification and self-belief system around it. This has become integrated as fact, the reality of me so much so that it feels like I have to breathe and dig before I can find Who I Really Am, what I have to say, what I actually enjoy and like, and what expressions are Here for me in moments. 

It has become a moment-to-moment practice, to recognize what is Here for me and where it is coming from – it is a practice in self-awareness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling vulnerable in moments where I am expressing myself, where I bind my expression to others and in that, feel ‘hurt’ if my expression is seemingly ‘not accepted’, which indicates that what I was expressing was conditional, only allowed on the condition that it is accepted, ‘appreciated’, acknowledged, understood by those around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place conditions on my self-expression, abdicating my self-responsibility of Who I Am onto others, placing them in the position to ‘make’ me as my apparent self-expression feel accepted, comfortable and safe, instead of ME embracing and accepting myself – seeing and realizing that it is my own reactions that I am fearing, and so instead creating a safe space or safe haven within myself, and expressing me from there.

I forgive myself that I have not recognized the fact that if it is truly self-expression, it is Here regardless of how it is received – that simply does not matter or have a role in what or how I am expressing myself – except for practical assessments based in physical reality – understanding that I cannot always fully express myself in certain places or at certain times – withholding for practical reasons and not because of or due to internal reactions – wherein I can still recognize and see what is here for me, and can alter it if required, knowing that I am not compromising myself or my expression, but rather considering the Whole and everyone Here as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that any reaction I am in will automatically contaminate my self-expression and so I should not speak, instead of trusting myself that I can correct my expression in the moments where I act, living self-forgiveness and self-correction within and through living application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must ‘wait’ until I have no reactions within me before I speak or express, thinking and believing that only then, when I am completely clear and ‘pure’ – only then can I express me, not seeing or realizing that I will then wait forever, because unless I apply and correct – nothing will move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to fearing self-expression, thinking and believing myself to have been ‘born in sin’ – where my self-expression is necessarily wrong and bad and must be contorted, controlled and altered to fit in to the acceptable standards, norm and culture of human interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate for a moment before I express me, wherein, in that hesitation, instead of checking myself in a quantum moment as “placing a guard before my mouth”, I instead go into reaction and accept/allow myself to participate and then be over-taken by the reaction wherein I then suppress my self-expression in that moment, losing a moment forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing moments, instead of embracing all of me, including my mistakes, letting the moment go within remembering the lesson, and using the mis-take to learn and apply myself differently the next time, thus practicing and perfection my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my self-expression as ‘unsafe’, wherein I think I need a ‘safe’ environment in which to express me, thus limiting my self-expression to how I feel as my mood (DOOM) as feelings and emotions, thus once again placing conditions upon my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my self-expression and the self-expression of others as ‘unsafe’ because it is unpredictable, it is not something that can be controlled – and thus it is a threat to consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be consciousness, wherein when something ‘threatens’ consciousness existence and control, I feel as though ‘I’ am threatened as Who I Really Am, instead of seeing that it is the ‘I’ of the mind that is only required to step down, within the trust that ‘I’ as my stand as Who I Am, Where I Am and Why I am within my process of self-development (position and location) is willing and able to stand equally as I realize, develop, grow and create myself Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within my self-expression, where there is an inherent blame, expectation and demand on my environment and those in it to do or be something FOR ME, within the misconception that something outside of myself must create, do or be something first, before I can express me Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame things outside of myself,

instead of trusting and honouring me as my expression.

Day 92- Death by Pleasing Others (pt 3)

This is a continuation of my last blogs: Day 90- Death by Pleasing Others, and Day 91- Death by Pleasing Others (pt 2)





I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself when I think/believe/perceive others like me or are pleased with who/how I am.





I commit myself to see/realize/understand that ‘feeling good’ about myself contains the polarity of ‘feeling bad’, and that I can’t have one without the other, and thus I see/realize/understand that self-equality has no charge, as it ‘just is’, which leaves no desire to experience myself any other way than Who I Am in every moment.






I commit myself to stop trying and attempting to manipulate my environment and those around me to change my experience of myself, and to instead take self-responsibility for my self-experience by looking at the root cause for why I would want/need/desire to experience myself any other way than just existing in the moment, Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like and be pleased with myself when I think/believe/perceive others are pleased with or like me.

I commit myself to base my self-observation on the physical reality of myself, and the outflows of my actions and decisions and whether or not they are best for all.

I commit myself to investigate all ways in which I ‘don’t like’ myself, in order to understand why it is that I would look for that from an outside source instead of giving it
to myself. Within this, I commit myself to stop judging myself or aspects of myself where I’ve decided that I ‘don’t like’ them, instead of having immediately stopped the judgment or the behavior that did not honour myself as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define how I feel about myself based on how I perceive others feel about me.

I commit myself to stop taking others reactions personally, whether they are positive or negative.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand that the reactions of others comes from their internal processes that may be affected by the day they had, or the week they had, or the month or maybe even an entire life experience that is creating a reaction within them, that has nothing to do with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my self-image on energy, on how I feel inside- wherein, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my external environment, and the people within it, to affect how I feel inside myself, within and through the relationships I have developed with people and things in my external environment, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that these relationships are entirely my creation, my thoughts/beliefs/perceptions, therefore they are all merely reflecting me to myself, and how I feel about myself, and my self-relationship.

I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that the relationships I create with people, in terms of my reactions to their reactions, are completely my creation, and are always showing me something about myself, and thus:

I commit myself to purify my relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my self-relationship on energetic internal experiences, instead of basing it on measurable physical actions and their outcomes.

I commit myself to stop trusting my internal emotional and feeling experiences, which I don’t even understand how I created them, and to instead trust what is tangibly measurably, observably Here, in reality as the outflows, outcomes and consequences of my actions, on myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base anything of myself on energy, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicating myself to energy.

I commit myself to take back my self-direction and self-responsibility from my mind and energy and to walk myself instead back into awareness as Life, as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to be perceived as ‘good’, ‘right’, ‘positive’.

I commit myself to stop my participation within the positive/right/good-negative/bad/wrong polarity construct and to realize and understand that there is no good/bad, positive/negative/ right/wrong- only what is Here, and whether it is in consideration of the whole as what’s best for all, or whether it allows abuse to continue.

I commit myself to be and become aware of my place and my responsibility within myself and the world-systems, and to equalize within myself so that I may be a living standing example of and as equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect praise and pleased-ness of others to feeling good/right/positive within and as myself.

I commit myself to sever the connections I have made to reactions, actions, words and deeds so that I may end the separation with/as myself.