Showing posts with label control. Show all posts
Showing posts with label control. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 4, 2022

Day 325 – The Promise of Justice





The world is not fair, life is not fair, there is no such thing as fairness nor a just reward. There is only equality, input and output, you get what you deserve, equal to what you have given, whether you know and understand it or not. You may only understand when you finally receive as you have given, whether it’s good or bad. Don’t lie to yourself, be honest with yourself, and see how you have created your life exactly as it is right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat others as I would never want to be treated, in terms of my backchat, the thoughts I have, the judgments I make, and even if I don’t act on it, I see it and realize it is going on inside of me and accept and allow it through my participation in it without fully understanding how I created it through willful ignorance before fully understanding the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of directing or being direct, go into backchat and judgment about another’s points they are facing as it comes through in their behaviour, not seeing and realizing that I don’t fully understand their behaviour when I am not completely self- honest with myself and so cannot direct it, support it or direct myself within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a bitch to energy, instead of being a bitch that stands for Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know what I am capable of, yet refuse to live it, because I always want to be learning, learning instead of doing and being, choosing instead to be the perpetual student learning lessons for fear of stepping up and stepping out and being real, being me as I know I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself ,Kim, refuse to take responsibility for what I see, out of fear of how others will react to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to be the perfect system person that accommodates everyone, instead of acting on what I see is common sense instantly, and to be the motherfucker I know I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that motherfucker in me. I see and realize that it took a dog to attack my partner and pierce her leg, for me to see the motherfucker in me, the beast in me in how I can scream at someone, yell at and destroy them, yet I fear to be the same in basic daily points, and therefore I have accepted and allowed absolute consequence for me to stand up from, instead of seeing and realizing the point of prevention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to manipulate my reality, to care for me to the point where my reality shows no care and I become the only point that has to stand up to care, real care, and because of my manipulation to care I have caused the problem only to be cared for when I know I have had enough care, and I should instead LIVE REAL care for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist open self forgiveness with another, because I fear it exposing me and where I have hidden myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself within self-forgiveness as being a personal point and not an open point, and therefore I have resisted seeing myself with another/others openly through hiding myself within self forgiveness as being a personal ‘private’ point.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have hidden my absolute power as seeing and understanding from others, and the gift I have to give openly without fear, through hiding and justifying why I cannot do self forgiveness openly, and expose myself to all Life. and within that have diminished myself to hide and always feel hidden to never have a voice, yet I see and realize the moment I can speak my self forgiveness openly for all to see, my voice becomes equal and one, open and for all to see, with no fear, because I know who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a motherfucker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a bitch and a motherfucker.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be a bitch and a motherfucker for what the fuck is best for all, seeing each individual point that will flourish within speaking and exposing what is here as who I am because I know myself, and I want to honour myself.




Thursday, January 21, 2021

Qanon and Global Change

I was following the Q anon movement for about a year, up until about 2 years ago – this was NOT a very acceptable or popular thing to be interested in within my liberal/democratic social circles. I got to Q through being a Bernie Sanders supporter. I followed the 2016 primaries closely, and for anyone looking even just beneath the narrative, you will see that a LOT was exposed about the blatant corruption in US politics and the media during that time.  It is interesting because Q anon is highly associated with Republicans, but if you take a little time to investigate, you will see that it is not about Democrats and Republicans, but rather about the entire establishment containing a corrupt mafia-like structure (with international ties) present on both sides, with a group of otherwise well-intentioned people trying to represent the masses in government.

I got into Q anon by initially looking into wikileaks, and eventually got invited to a Q anon group on facebook by a Ramster. I saw the same information repeating itself, information I had been hearing about for years. I dug in and I learned about Q+, kek, pepe, Qproofs, decoding tweets with gematria, BOOM, 4chan, 8chan, alice in wonderland, Q drops, white hats, 5:25, trust the plan, the political moves, people and positions being filled, etc… so for anons, that will give you an idea of how far or how not far I got into it.

Q anon’s goals include bringing the power of the government back to the people, stopping corruption and abuse in politics, religion and the entertainment industry, creating a fair capitalism that is not tainted by monopolies, harmonization and globalization, exposing and stopping funding global elites that have all the power and control in banking, the food industry, media, politics, international relations through driving the war machine and arms industry, medicine and pharmaceuticals, and basically owning everything we depend on to survive in this physical reality.

The Q anon movement was quite a phenomenon, and although it did have its highly publicized radical fringes, from what I saw, it had its fair share of very level-headed people. These people were mostly concerned with accountability, transparency and essentially making the world a better place in ways they understood this could actually happen in our current system of corruption and control. There was also a focus on ending human-trafficking and pedophilia, and the misuse of public funds globally.

So, I followed this movement and I thought YES, the people at the top may finally be exposed and lose their power, and new, better, ‘good’ people are going to take their place and make the world a better place for all of us. I really thought that one group was going to penetrate the political sphere, and shake the corrupt foundations that had been so firmly set in place since the very beginning. And to this day, based on what I saw and read, I still think this movement could have been very real, and very well-intentioned.

Meantime, I have for over 10 years promoted another, different solution – one based more in common sense. A grass-roots movement that takes place from the ground up. This solution posits that every human being should be valued, and that the money system should be a reflection of this value, where money is created based on human life. Financial support for basic needs (food, education, health care, housing, transportation and communication) from birth till death – no fear of not having money, no survival of the fittest, but rather money equally for everyone, in other words, Equal Money, or an Equal Money System. (Yes, you can still work and make a lot more money and be rich, and yes, at this point we do know there is more than enough money to go around the globe several times).

There were a few realizations I had regarding the Q movement that I simply couldn’t deny, and which the Equal Money System solution actually addresses directly. This touches on the human trafficking and pedophilia points, within which an important reality was ignored within the Q anon movement. This is the fact that, when you only look at the elite and the abuses they commit, you are actually wearing blinders to a huge part of reality. I had spoken to a man that had spent years in South African townships, and he recounted to me the child rape and abuse at all levels that was able to take place unnoticed in these conditions of poverty. He saw people (not the elite) offering their children for rape to landlords when they were not able to pay the rent, and inter-familial molestation taking place regularly. People in these conditions all over the world end up prostituting their children for food money, and selling some of their children into sex slavery in order make money to save the rest of the family. These atrocities are not isolated to South African townships though, they take place all over the world, including countries such as the USA. And then you can consider child-sex tourism in almost every impoverished country, where middle-class people (not the elite), travel to experience sex with a child against the child’s will. So, pedophilia is a global accepted occurrence, and only a fraction of child rape takes place by the elite. When we focus on the elite, who are essentially untouchable, we are ignoring the bigger part of the problem, which is pedophilia committed by ‘normal’ people all over the world every day.

The elite are said to use pedophilia in satanic rituals and in order to use as blackmail to control the entertainment industry, and the other entertainment industry called politics. This is some serious mental depravity. However, the other, every day pedophilia has the common thread of poverty – needing money to survive, and being stuck in sex slavery due to lack of money, and pedophilia as a result of lack of education. I mention lack of education because of the use of child-rape within the belief that it will cure one of AIDS and other conditions. So, every-day pedophilia and MANY other forms of abuse can be directly addressed by valuing human life, and backing that value with money (enough for food, water, housing, education, transportation and communication). In all of these conditions, if either the child or the family had money, the rape would not have occurred, or the child could have walked away (many do, and end up on the streets).

With the elites, we are talking about a whole other level of madness – one that cannot be directed with money, because they already have that. These people need to be committed into mental institutions and perhaps even studied to learn how the human mind can sink to such depths of perversion and degradation, in order that we may prevent such mind-control or brainwashing from ever occurring again.

Now look at the numbers: billions of people live in poverty or extreme poverty, half the global population – how many millions of children are abused in these conditions, stuck there with no way out because they do not have money. Now think about how many elite exist in the world? Every well-versed conspiracy theorist can tell you that there is not that many, especially the higher up you go. So, the number of children being raped by these ‘untouchable’ people is but a mere fraction of the problem, and is the part of the problem that is farthest from our reach to prove and so prevent.

I had to ask myself, why is my focus being diverted to a very small fraction of a global problem, and the fraction that I am least empowered to do something about? It started to feel like I was living in a conspiracy theory within and conspiracy theory! Using conspiracies to distract from real solutions. I mean, yes, I can expose the elite and their use of pedophilia, but when I started looking, I saw that this has been exposed for years with absolutely no effect, and that if I were to jump on this bandwagon, I would be sucked down so many rabbit holes, and would most likely become labelled as a conspiracy theorist and lose my voice and credibility. Whereas if I were to use my time, energy, resources and voice to expose the bigger global phenomenon, and to empower people financially (like with voting for Yang for example, or starting grassroots movement which I am currently busy doing with a growing group of people, check out Earth Haven), then I would be doing what the elite really fear – empowering the masses.  

Why do you think conspiracy theories are allowed to run rampant on the elite-controlled internet? It is but one of the devices of the elite to consume people, discredit them whether the conspiracy is true or not, and get them sucked down endless rabbit holes where human time, ingenuity, resources and power is lost. I have spoken to many people, and I am one myself, that had spent a lot of time following lines of information and conspiracy theories – many of which I do believe are true. But the one thing we all had in common was that we spent a LOT of time on it, and had no effect whatsoever. Not only that, but in our actual day-to-day lives, we were becoming withdrawn, creating friction with no solution, and not building up our own lives or empowering ourselves to actually do something in our very own communities.

We were spending hundreds of hours online, and it is kind of fun and exciting, entertaining ourselves, joining a special global group of people ‘in the know’ – with absolutely no physical evidence of having done anything of value or worth. In fact, in one moment, parts of the internet can be shut down, or the entire internet can be controlled, and we will lose all of our work and be forced to face the realities in our own backyards.

Ask yourself, what is the last thing the elite want from the masses? The answer is empowerment. What is the quickest way to empower someone? Give them money. But the elite want slaves and they are very cunning about it. They want people stuck in survival, working to the bone, fearing losing a paycheck. They are so cunning they will even hide in plain sight, expose their lesser and more expendable ranks to keep the slaves distracted, consumed, busy, focused on things they cannot do anything about. Meanwhile, empowering people in the most direct and important way, which is financially, has been demonized, labelled, laughed at, called evil like socialism or communism - seems like another elite tactic, doesn't it? When you talk to most people about giving others money, they will suddenly separate and divide themselves from their fellow man. But is that not yet ANOTHER tactic of the elite? To divide and conquer? Now we turn against each other and call each other lazy, undeserving, leeches, where did these ideas come from? Who started them? Why aren't we looking at the obvious: looking at how much stress EVERYONE is under due to money, having to make money, where it is becoming harder and harder to secure a life in this world. 

But we do not want to give everyone access to money, because we are spiteful. We are angry. I am angry. We are tired. I am tired. We never got anything for free, we had to ‘suffer’, so everyone should suffer. We would rather live in a suffering world than secure everyone with a guaranteed income, without looking at how much suffering would end, in case a handful of people abuse it and we get our feelings hurt (because it would not actually harm us physically). I think, in reality, we all fear something a little deeper... it is in fact SO easy to give everyone money, that we would feel incredibly ashamed once we had done it - because we would realize how quickly it would end so much suffering, especially the suffering of the innocent, yet we were unwilling to even consider it because of our own self-interest. How shameful.

This is where I come to the notion of forgiveness. The notion of offering a blank slate. To each other and to ALL, with no more retribution, no more paying for sins, no more punishment – because our sins are so much, that if we were to each one pay for our sins and the sins of our fathers, we would be paying for sins forevermore, and the world would not change. Q anons can be vicious, hungry for revenge, hungry for a witch hunt, hungry for people to be hung, tortured, abused as they have abused. Then maybe they will learn a lesson, right? Q anons want suffering to take place, to end suffering.

But what about those elite that have had enough? What about the ones that have had a change and want to change? The ones forced into it against their will? What happens to the elite that want to speak out, who are actually in a position where they could finally expose and prove for real what is going on in the upper circles? What they face is death from both directions. If they are not killed by the elite themselves, then they will be killed by the masses of people hungry for their blood. What if Hillary Clinton actually did eat the face of a child and participate in torture and ritualistic abuse, and has now seen that she can’t get away with it for much longer, that it is not working… her health is failing and her corruption exposed, and now she just wants to speak about it and end it all. Will she speak out if she knows she will be received by a one-way trip to Guantanamo? Probably not. If we have to force it out of each one, with the positions they are in and the power they have, it will take a very, very long time. During this time, more children will suffer.

If we were to instead forgive the elite, and employ them to use their resources to turn the entire system around – with the knowledge and understanding they have of the system and the human mind, and how to effect change effectively on a large scale, then we could actually end the problem faster. So, the question here is: do we want to end the problem faster and change more effectively, or do we more want punishment and revenge (even if that desire for punishment and revenge will prolong the suffering of the innocent)? If even the most high-up, notorious elite whistleblowers were met with forgiveness, more would be willing to do the same. They can either help, or disappear, and never again repeat the same behaviour they have been living for so long.

About 2000 years ago, a group of people were in the very same position that we stand in today – they were asked to forgive those who killed him. And they had to, because it is what Jesus himself preached. They had to overcome their anger, their resent, their suffering, their spite, and forgive the very ones that killed their messiah. They had to, because if they did not, those that killed him could not have been converted, could not have changed. This is the position we stand in today, on a much larger and more consequential scale, but the same position nonetheless.

Within all of this, all of the information and theories that may or may not be true – I know that I stand for a change in the economic system where life is valued over profit. I realize that we cannot hope and wait for the elite to change or to bring a change, but thankfully there has been a proposal made called an Equal Money System. A bunch of crazy kids went to study economics, politics, law and psychology and drew up a new economic model that addresses every major problem in the world. They wrote books, hosted hangouts, made websites and took on much direct attacks, trolls and haters. Why? Because they wanted to empower everyone with money. Strange, isn’t it?

You can check out the books here: https://eqafe.com/series/13-equal-money-books

 

 

 

Monday, March 26, 2018

Day 244 - Re-Defining and Living POWER





Power, Who are we as power? How have we lived as power? Personal power, physical power, the power of one’s words actions and deeds.

If we take a step back a look back over our lives we can see how we have accepted and allowed ourselves to live words, where we live them in unawareness, meaning, we do not take a moment to define a word and clear our definition of it, but instead allow words to include in their definitions elements that are destructive and compromising when lived. Essentially, not calling a spade a spade.

Not calling ourselves out for living in destructive and compromising ways, but hiding those elements within the definition of living words that, if we had taken a moment to look at and clear, we would have never decided in awareness to accept and allow these elements.

POWER

Looking back at my life I see I have lived the word power in such a way that involves having ‘power over’ something or someone. Meaning, the power to influence, direct, change or move a certain situation, person or event. Even if having been successful at this goal, I would constantly and continuously feel disempowered during and after the moment of having applied ‘power’, because the truth is, no one can have any real power over another, as each is self-responsible, and situations and events in life and reality consist of too many different, unpredictable factors for any one individual to have full power over.

I have similarly lived this definition when it comes to the relationship I have with exerting ‘power over’ myself, where it is more like a forcing or a feat of strength to move me to do, accomplish or be. Even if having accomplished the goal, I may feel powerful in my ego, where, looking at the situation in black and white: Yes, I exerted power. But again, I would end up disempowered in the end, not seeing the disconnect. I cannot force myself to do or be something without first taking self-responsibility to change and align myself and my starting point, and then walk a process of refinement along the way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that ‘power’ means the force and might to move something outside of myself without considering myself AS that which I am trying and attempting to move, influence or direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that having ‘power over’ something leads to empowerment, being powerful, or living the word ‘power’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that REAL power starts with self, self standing by self first, unwavering, and acts from the starting point of seeing and clearing self first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that power means that I see and realize all of a situation, and move forward within that thought/idea/perception and belief without first putting ‘my plan’ out there in it’s entirety to cross-reference, thus aligning goals, listening, learning, communicating and working together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that power involves doing things alone or exerting force to have others do things from a powerplay of force and
might within/as placing myself as superior or inferior, feeling powerful or powerless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define ‘power’ as control, as controlling the outcome of a situation, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that outcomes cannot be controlled or predicted, and that real power consist of the power I have within myself to stand by the points I have walked, or to walk my points as a situation unfolds, as I face unpredictable outcomes, and as I see that I cannot control anything but my own thoughts, words, actions and deeds as self-control, a step in the path to self-mastery.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the only real power I have is within myself in the relationships that exist within myself between my mind, beingness and body, and any outflows into my reality are a reflection of the power I have within myself first.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to fully exert my own power within myself, which also involves cross-referencing, aligning my goals, listening to myself, learning and communicating, working with myself, and has the additional element of ‘force’, ‘strength’ and ‘might’ that I can use to push myself in moments of resistance, procrastination, challenge and change, but that I can never exert this force on another, as each is in their own process, where my power exists in my determining of whether or not I can accept and allow such a person/process, situation/event into my life or not.

When and as I see that I am trying and attempting to exert ‘power over’ a person, a situation, an outcome or an event, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to SELF-power by looking in to myself and deciding Who I Am within a given situation, relationship, outcome or event, and then exerting my power within MYSELF to be and become Who and How I decide to be within it.

I commit myself to nurture and develop my self-power, to walk a process of re-aligning and bringing my power back to myself and Who I Am.

I commit myself be and become powerful within myself within developing the ability to do or act; the capability of doing or accomplishing that which I set out to do, or that which my reality brings into my life.

I commit myself to develop the strength, the stand and the stance to manage, direct and change the relationships I consist of and exist as within myself, to ones that develop and create myself as the best of me, my utmost potential, and therefore to be and become the best for those around me, to give and receive support within the relationships I develop in my life to be relationships of mutual support and self-development.

Re-Defining POWER

Sounding the word:

I hear the sound ‘POW’ like a punch, like exerting that force onto something. I also hear ‘wer’ like ‘were’, past tense of ‘are’, or in the singular ‘am’

Also, looking at the word I see it is close to ‘p’ ‘owner’, where I would look at the letter ‘p’ representing ‘personal’. Bringing through Personal-owner, or Personal-Ownership.

Sometimes it feels like a punch, a ‘pow’ to the ego the I am when taking ownership as self-responsibility for ones mistakes, one’s flaws and one’s weaknesses.

Redefinition:

Power

The ability to take personal-ownership for who I am within my ability to do or act; my capability of doing or accomplishing something. My own great or marked ability to do or act; my strength to push through resistances; my might in strengthening weaknesses; and my force to move myself in the face of internal or external challenges.

To learn how to change your own life experience within and through creating a new Living Vocabulary, check out The School of Ultimate Living or follow the blogs and vlogs on Facebook with  Redefining Words with SOUL.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Day 215- How I Taught Myself to Compromise Myself in Relationships



The following self-forgiveness relates to a pattern I have lived out for most of my adult life. The pattern involves the fear of the future/not being able to support myself, and then looking to relationships to escape this fear and apparently 'solve' it - when, in reality, this starting point dooms the relationship, and leads to much self-compromise from the very beginning. 

For me, I located three events in my life: 1) A comment made to me by a neighboor I respected, 2) My first job experience and going to college (called CEGEP where I'm from), and 3) One of my first relationships that followed where I experienced financial support and adventure.

These three points worked together in my life to contribute to the creation of self-beliefs and beliefs about the world that influenced Who I Was/Am and penetrated into everything i did or tried to do. 

The following self-forgiveness explains the timeline, and how everything developed, the mis-takes I made and how I could have done better. It is literally like going back in time and taking myself by the hand in order to walk myself through these experiences again in a more beneficial way.

I also added at the end, three incredibly insightful and intimate video-interviews with a young girl that was just starting out and facing points of entering into a relationship-agreement. The videos describe how to lay the ground work out before so as not to make the very common and self-compromising mistakes that many people make in their lives and relationships with others.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have never thought or really seriously contemplated or focused on Who I Really am and what I want to do or be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have had the thought: this is my last free summer before working, I will always remember this summer, when and as my neighbour said these same words to me ("Is this your last free summer before working? I will always remember my last summer before working")

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a polarized idea of ‘free summer’  as good and fun and free, and ‘work’  as bad and trapped and the end of freedom, instead of having taken the moment to contemplate what I might like to do for work, what I might enjoy and what my interests were.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have associated work with bad, trapped, and the end of freedom, and not considered that I might enjoy working, and so never looking for, discussing or pursuing any particular job. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have taken my mom’s offer of a job she got for me, and seen it as having accepted being condemned to prison, a life of work, the end of freedom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have begun work with a split in me, wherein, part of me did not want to disappoint or embarrass my mother, but at the same time rebelled from what I saw as ‘imprisonment’, by moving out of the house and staying up late doing drugs and drinking, wherein the job did become like a terrible prison sentence, as I was constantly stressed about getting there on time, and so tired that I would fall asleep in the bathroom, dragging all day long which felt like torture, and not looking self-honestly to see that I was directly creating it, and not taking any self-responsibility to change it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not quit the job because it was too much, too many hours and I was not mentally prepared to take on such a task and could have admitted it was too much and started with a part-time job in order to understand what it means to work and take on responsibility, as it was something I had never done before, but instead I remained at the job out of fear of disappointing my parents and embarrassing them because they got me the job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself due to my own self-created fear of disappointing and embarrassing my parents, instead of placing myself and my needs first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as irresponsible and not good enough, a failure and incapable instead of looking self-honestly to see what changes I could make, or whether or not I was in over my head.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to self-introspect about what is too much for me, and that I might need to enter into things more slowly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider who I am and where I am at within myself when taking on new responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, instead of self-introspect and take Who I Am in the moment into consideration, I instead judged myself for not being able or capable of doing the job and work, thus creating a self-perception and self-relationship that was and is made toxic within and through self-judgment and self-beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have gone back to school thinking “I didn’t even get a summer” and create an experience of ‘over-worked’, ‘unrested’ and ‘worn out’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the self-beliefs of ‘over-worked’, ‘unrested’ and ‘worn out’, and instead of finding a better way to work, I created a solution as ‘avoiding work’ and not wanting to work, seeing ‘work’ as the cause of wearing me out and causing unrest instead of looking at my whole life-style and mental state and learning how to nurture and care for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need to have periods of extended ‘rest’, where I do whatever I want and have reduced or no responsibilities, in order to be able to function and work in this life, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that everything is a balance, between work and play, rest and pushing, and is not defined by periods of work and rest, but can be done within work and within rest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complain about having no summer and having worked too much, when in fact, I saw that I felt alright in my body, I was not too tired or overworked when I went back to school, but rather felt normal, and instead of seeing the reality of myself, I instead went with the idea that because I had worked, I should be tired and worn out.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  have gone into the mind of being overwhelmed, incapable and helpless in CEGEP, instead of looking at what I actually wanted to do, and reached out for assistance and support to support myself to accomplish my goals, in terms of signing up for classes on time and having my schedule prepared, as well as getting to know the building and being places on time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spiral out of control, and seek the energy of a social life, boyfriends, alcohol and drugs to make myself feel better, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I would have felt better had I become more directive and disciplined in my schooling, which is what I really wanted.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to reach out and seek assistance and support when I needed it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I was/am incapable of being assisted and supported, because of the thought, perception or belief that I wouldn’t get it, or wouldn’t understand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that if I don’t innately understand something, then I am unable to learn it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my negative experience of work and school with my positive experience of traveling with X, wherein I saw him and his money as saving me, and giving me the life I always wanted – which is being provided for and doing amazing things like traveling around the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself and look to men/partners/relationships as the only way to feel okay and have a life worth living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I could never create this life for myself, due to basing my judgment on a self that did not take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have focused on finding a man to take care of me and take responsibility for me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that every new relationship brought the same result of failure because I never fully stood up and lived for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself because I didn’t see instant results every time I tried to make a change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into relationships as if I owed something to the man because my starting point was that of taking and being supported by him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into relationships with a fear of loss, because I feared losing my support which I believed I depended upon, because I thought and believed that, without a man, my life would be like it was when things were tough, instead of realizing it had nothing to do with being in a relationship or not, and everything to do with my relationship to myself.

 Please watch these videos to get an intimate glimpse into what it takes to remain as an individual within a relationship, where the relationship becomes an agreement of mutual support:

Lilly and Malin / Self-Agreement and Self-Process



A casual, comfortable, laid-back chat with Sunette, Lilly (through the Portal) and Malin discussing the establishment and practical living of and as self-agreement and the basic practical layout of what's ahead in walking one's personal 'self-process' as the conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind...and a few things in-between! 



See life coaching
http://desteniiprocess/

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Saturday, August 12, 2017

Day 206 - I Taught Myself How to Make A Real Decision



After having created a life of consequence in the form of debt, health problems, addiction, wasted work experience, and isolation, I made one of the most important decisions of my life. It was a decision for myself alone at first, where I stood solid and firm as the decision-maker, in complete and raw self-honesty. I decided that I was going to stop living in such a way where the outflows of my choices, actions and decisions were that of consequence and self-diminishment and instead start the process of making decisions that would create myself as a better human being.

I saw that I had to do this for myself first, but that as a result I would be a better version of myself for those in my reality and thus, be a better human being in this world. I wrote out a list of self-commitments, such as:

"I commit myself to take complete self-responsibility for the decision that I make, and to stand within and as the decisions that I make, so that they are MY decisions.

I commit myself to stop seeking/wanting/needing/desiring validation and approval for the decision that I make.

I commit myself to making decisions and taking action based on the principles I decide to stand by, and not based on what’s easiest or what I’m in the mood for.

I commit myself to eradicate the fear of failure from my Life."

I also wrote out instructions for myself, guidelines based in principle that I could look to in moments when I would face those moments of wanting to abandon myself within the decision-making process.

Interestingly, when I decided to make decisions in this way, my life literally fell apart. I learned that I had been holding some expectations that things would get better because I was assisting and supporting myself to create a better self. What I hadn't considered was the fact that my entire reality had been built upon a habitual and patterned foundation of character, and now that I was changing myself at this foundational level, all the structures I had built upon it were crumbling.

I am grateful for this now though, because I can see now that in order to build the new, I must at the same time let go of the old. The things that I let go of were relationships that I had formed that were not best for me (either changed/altered or left completely), environments/living situations that were not optimal were left and new ones were created, career changes made, addictive substances were removed from my life, and many other changes, both internal and external took place.

Each of these actions of letting-go were a result of my new decision-making process. Each one taking away hiding places, dependencies and escape or avoidance mechanisms. This left me squarely in the face of the reality of myself. From this position I had to face many of my own weaknesses (strengths in the making!), I had to make many mistakes (mis-takes), and I had to step up or step out. Herein, another important decision: I chose (and continue to choose) to step up, I want to play, I am here to participate fully.

In my next post I will share how I dug myself out of the hole that was left, and began to build something almost entirely new.


To find out how I got here, read my previous blog: The Day I Realized I Had A Profound Inability to Make Decisions For Myself

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