Selling my Soul for Money

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sell myself out to for money.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become different characters and to portray myself as something in order to make money and secure a job. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and develop my self-expression, but rather spent my time and effort on developing myself as a character to make money.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that no one would hire me or pay me in a job if I remain Who I Am. 

I forgive myself for not accepting myself as Who I Am.  

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to Trust myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contort myself into whatever the boss or company wanted me to be in order to secure my job above others, wherein I lose myself into that contorted version of me, instead of stepping into a character in awareness only when necessary, wherein I can then step out of it as soon as I no longer need to be in the position and role of making money at a job.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire a sense of control over my ability to make money, and to use manipulation by selling myself as Life in order to invest into myself as a character to make money. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into morality about going into characters in order to make money, wherein I think and believe that I have to actually be and become that character within the belief that it is then ‘real’, and so I can tell myself I am not actually manipulating for money.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jaded for money. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others that remained Who They Are as ‘weak’ for not being able to go into a character for money, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak as Who I Am, and to judge myself as ‘strong’ when I am playing a role or character. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my fellow man while pursuing my own survival and self-interest.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted ad allowed myself to fake confidence for money, instead of developing REAL self-confidence which is built slowly over time through doing REAL things.  

Living in Abundance or Living in Lack?: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

I finally found a rug that Ghost can shed all over and it won't make a difference!
Today's action shot is about lack, and how I have created it throughout my life through things like 'saving money', 'living frugally' and other such budget-oriented terminology.

I have wanted a fake bear skin rug for years now. I liked the idea of stepping out of bed in the mornings and on to the softest surface, and having that be the first physical experience of the day.
But I never got one because it wasn't necessary, was not an essential element required to survive, was a complete and total luxury with no real purpose except enjoyment.

Then the other day I was in a store looking for mats for Ghost, and I happened upon these heart-shaped fur rugs for 20$, and as I ran my fingers through it I fell in love!

I have lived, over the years, in an absolute state of lack. It started in my childhood where my parents went through some tough times, and there often wasn't any extra to get the luxuries, and sometimes not even the necessities.

Being a child, I didn't understand why there wasn't enough. Both my parents worked, and there was nothing I could do to change the situation, so I just accepted it as 'that's just the way things are'.
Into my adult years I lived with this lack - the idea that there's not enough and there's not going to be enough no matter if I'm working or not - it is an endless rat race just to keep up.
ok, so this may be somewhat true - but the EXPERIENCE of lack is not necessary, and sometimes, from time to time I've done things to kind of 'jolt' myself out of that mindset. This involves living within one's budget, but from time to time, doing or buying something for pure enjoyment only.

This supports to create the experience of 'having enough', of abundance, of knowing that one's needs have and will be met, of getting what you need, instead of making a habit of sacrificing, cutting corners, and preparing for lack.
It is not necessary to do this, but it does support so long as it's done in awareness, with aligning one's starting point, doing it deliberately and not going Into the energy of consumerism which is what becomes addictive over time.
So now I have this awesome rug, which receives me every morning, which Ghost loves to sleep on, which is completely impractical in Panama lol! But which I absolutely enjoy every time I see it or step on it.
My moral here is for those that have lived like I have lived: like Spartans, where every penny is treated like it's the last one and abject poverty is seemingly just around the corner - remember that it can be overwhelmingly a mindset before it is an actual reality, a reality that may never actually manifest!
My advice would be to manage your money, but from time to time do something exactly how you want to do it, just as a reminder of what it could be like to live in a world of support where all needs are met, that abundance that is here but not yet realized, and that expression of self-care that you WILL provide for yourself in this world, because that is what you would want for others and for the world as a whole.

On Money and Value: micro-blog from Desteni universe

#ACTIONSHOT

I've moved into Joe's old room in the Main House on the farm now that all the people I once lived with are in Panama.

Ghost seems to love these floor to ceiling windows we now have, as he can keep up to date with the outside world from his favourite spot on the bed!

I took this picture from my spot in front of the computer during a work shift. I have been working an online job pretty much full-time, saving up to get Ghost and I to Panama, and this situation got me thinking about money and value.

I caught myself a few times looking at the cost of bringing Ghost to Panama, and trying to fit him into some kind of value system, not realizing that I had, over my lifetime, developed a money-based value system where I will ask myself 'is it worth it', or 'is it worth the money', where 'the money' was holding the intrinsic value, and the thing I am paying for has to prove it is worth it.

I would become stressed, with 'lack' and 'survival' creeping into my thoughts when I looked at it this way, with the thought of 'losing' or spending that money, even going so far as to look at Ghost and consider if he brings that amount of value to my life! I quickly caught myself, seeing that this line of thinking is what contributes to the way the world is today, where 'value' either becomes the amount of self-interest one can derive from a particular thing, and then translating that value into dollars and cents, or money itself having an intrinsic value, when it is in fact small pieces of paper that we have elevated to 'god-hood'.

So I shifted my perspective to 'this is what I have decided to do', with the money now taking a different position, more like a secondary place as the tool or the facilitator I must use to see my decision through and accomplish my goal. Ghost came into my life, and that wasn't exactly my decision, but I did decide to take responsibility for him, and in weighing all the options, decided that it would be best for him to come with us to Panama.

In this, the decision and goal becomes the Main point of value, where it's no longer about 'losing' money, but about 'gaining' or obtaining/accomplishing the goal. When I looked at it this way, I felt as though I had become 'richer' in a way - the situation becomes one of benefit rather than loss.

This realization had me reflecting back on all the times I didn't do a thing, or thought something to be 'too expensive,' and in this thinking have compromised myself and my life so many times because of the value I had placed primarily on money and self-interest (as feelings and emotions), instead of placing that value on Self and Life creation.

I cannot place a value or dollar amount on Ghost, he simply 'is', Here, existing. So my decision remains whether it is feasible or not based on market prices, and the time and energy I am willing to put in to work for the money - looking only at whether I can practically afford it or not.

Now I will include this into my understanding of money, how I work with money, and how I live the word 'money' in my life, where it becomes the means to an end rather than an end in and of itself.

I have for too long deprived myself of important, essential things, and spent too much on fueling energy, programming and self-interest because of and due to this twisted system of value I wasn't even completely aware of. Now that I see it more clearly, it's time to stop and sort it out so that I can move forward spending money on things of ACTUAL value that will contribute to support, growth and development, within reason, practicality and common sense.

Daily Osho Card Reading: 'THE DREAM' - Day 9 of 21

Today the intention I held within me as I pulled an Osho card for self-support was to help me identify what is the problem I face when I sit in front of my computer to work, and I become tense, easily distracted and participate in shifty focus, where I am drawn away from the task I set out to do, and do many other cool, yet un-planned things instead or additionally. This draws out the task at hand, and causes inefficiency in my work, as well as reactions towards not getting the things done as I had planned.

Card pulled: THE DREAM

Description:

"Some enchanted evening you're going to meet your soulmate, the perfect person who will meet all your needs and fulfill all your dreams. Right? Wrong! This fantasy that songwriters and poets are so fond of perpetuating has its roots in memories of the womb, where we were so secure and "at one" with our mothers; it's no wonder we have hankered to return to that place all our lives. But, to put it quite brutally, it is a childish dream. And it's amazing we hang on to it so stubbornly in the face of reality. Nobody, whether it's your current mate or some dreamed-of partner in the future, has any obligation to deliver your happiness on a platter--nor could they even if they wanted to. Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us."

This card's description reminds me of a quote from Bernard Poolman, that "work is love made visible".

I pulled this card in relation to 'work'. And surprisingly, the card is quite appropriate in what it mentions and neglects to mention.

I think what the card neglects to mention is the work it takes to "develop our own inner richness and maturity". It takes experience, meaning, actually walking through challenges, falling and getting up again, pushing self through resistances to get to the other side of them in order to develop these things, and seeing through commitments to actually know from living experience what that entails.

It is challenging, but I personally have mostly experienced fulfillment after having overcome a challenge.

 But in reading the description, I am also led to wonder: have I developed a romantic relationship with some potential work out there that I am waiting for to fulfill and complete me?  Where I will love the work so much that it will easily flow, never posing a challenge, never a resistance, never bringing forth a part of me that I will have to face and overcome?

This is the point that comes up when I apply this card in my life in relation to the support I had asked regarding my difficulty while working.

I have set myself up and walked a process where i am in the exact position I have always wanted to be. I absolutely love it and am so incredibly grateful to be here. But yes, I am still facing the same challenges that I was facing back at all the jobs I had labelled as 'meaningless to me', jobs that were not what I was passionate about, or were not what I wanted to be doing with my time. So, obviously it was never the job, it has always been me that is/was the 'problem'. Which is cool, because it means I am also the solution, and if I am the solution, then I can apply myself in any and all work that I do, as this too shall pass, and there is no saying what will come next or where I may end up at this point in my life.

What I can see when I bring the point up in me, is that there are certain parts of the work that I am doing that i have labelled as 'work' in terms of it not being exciting or fun or 'positive'. I will have a project with a final goal, and a lot of the work involved in getting there IS fun and enjoyable to me. But then there is 'the other stuff'. The research, the learning, the coursework, the 'serious stuff' that I have to go through to get to my final goal. And sometimes I don't know how to go about a certain step, in which case I go into a helplessness that I identified in my last blog, and that helplessness creates frustration and in this case avoidance and distraction.

This is cool to see as it is another dimension opening up about a point that I had just opened up yesterday. The thing about facing such points is that they are multi-dimensional in this way, and too often we will open up only one, maybe two dimensions of a point, never really getting the full picture of how it is playing out in our lives.

So, here I can see I have a romantic expectation of the job I am doing, an expectation that is unrealistic and thus, the starting point of the work is already problematic in that it will create consequences in my work when that expectation is not met. The correction here is to drop that starting point - to let go of any and all conscious or subconscious beliefs that such  perfect, easy and flowing work will come naturally, and end up making me feel fulfilled and complete automatically.

This does not mean I will accept and allow working to be a laborious struggle. It simply means I still need to re-define what work is to me, and look at who I am within it.

This brings up the point of the way I handle the more difficult or challenging, yet necessary steps towards my goals. I have come to program myself to see this scenario as a laborious struggle. These include the obstacles I face that I must figure out as I go, not already knowing how to handle them. These are unlike the obstacles I have faced many times and are now easier to see my way through, as I had already paved the way for myself.

Paving the way for oneself does not mean creating a life of paved roads, one that you can easily coast through till the end. That would mean only always sticking to what you know, what you have already done, and that is limiting. Paving the way means making space for oneself to expand - meaning, once you have one road paved, it becomes easier, so the time and effort you had put into paving it is now freed up to start another, new road. This way, there is no coasting, there is only constant expansion.

 I will continue in my next blog!

Day 219- Setting Money to Purpose: Creating a Work/Life Balance

This blog is continued from: In Money but not OF Money - Howto Find Your Passion Without Chasing Money

Listen to this recording here

          This blog is focused on living the principle of honouring self, and creating the best life possible, while not allowing the pursuit of money flatten one's passion or ambition. In my last blog, I discussed about how I changed my experience at work and my starting point of working, in order to bring more of ME into my job, and re-ignite my passion and fire despite the fact that I was only originally there for money. The process was very difficult for me, and filled my life with challenge.

          During pushing myself to change the way I work and Who I Am within the work I do, from making it all about money, to making it more about me, my passion and my spark of life, I noticed an unfortunate problem: My life had become all about challenging myself, my habits and my comfort zone, and nothing else. It was ALL difficult and challenging, and there was nothing else. In this blog, I will talk about how I created my life outside of work, to support the balance that is ever so necessary in life. It must not only ever be about challenge and letting go, but also about creation, and building the new way of being and doing.

          What I did to address this problem, was to now look at what I could create and develop outside of work, in my home life. I asked myself: what do I want to create and develop for me that would create more of a balance in my life so that it wasn’t all about money and making money. So I made a list.

          The first thing I looked at was my living space. I was living with my parents in a spare bedroom to save money and pay off debt. This means that my living space had also come from a starting point of money only, I had not really considered myself. The room was small, so I had items and belongings scattered into several rooms. The room was also right next to my parents bedroom, so if I came home late, I risked waking them up. Due to this, I found myself feeling like I had no personal space to call my own.

          I asked if it would be alright if I created a space for myself in the basement so that I would rather create my living space from a starting point of what would best support me, my living, my life.

          I accumulated furniture through friends and acquaintances, estate sales and second-hand stores. I bought some plants and some lights, and created quite a nice space, with a fireplace, a workout zone, office and bedroom area. After several months, I had my space set up to reflect me, my life, and what I wanted to do.

           The next thing I noticed was that I had very little activity outside of work. I had deemed it too expensive to go out into the city while I was trying to save money and pay off debt. I decided here that it was more important to create balance in my life, than to stay at home only in order to save money. I freed up some of my funds and looked into discount classes or courses I might be interested in. What I found was that many yoga classes offer a trial month at a very reduced price, so I signed up!

          Hot yoga was very nice to attend during the cold winter months, and I really felt like I was doing something nice for my mind, being and body. It was an incredibly supportive activity for me to do after a day in the office and before going home for the night. It got me out of the house on weekends, because I had become somewhat of a hermit, and it motivated me to consider my body in terms of treating it well and giving it what it needs.

           What followed from here was relationships. Now that I had several important areas of my life covered and directed, I began to notice myself become interested and motivated to have more people in my life. There were a few ladies I worked with that I really got along well with, and began to test out spending some time together outside of work. We managed to develop a deeper connection than simply ‘colleagues’, and supported each other through tough times at work, as well as had fun times outside of work. Again, here I had to make the decision to free up some funds for this, but often times we were able to keep it cheap by making our own food and watching free documentaries at home, staying up late into the night to discuss what we had learned, or having a cookout in the yard and chatting over a meal.

          All of these things required me to challenge who I was and what my priorities were, among many other things, without compromising my goals. Due to what I had been experiencing at work, i would fall into more depressed states, and have difficulty getting myself up and out, I don’t know if I would have had the ability to contemplate my life and needs, or the tools to use my creativity and actually practically make and implement such decisions for myself if I didn’t have the skills and understandings that I learned through walking a dedicated process of self-change. This is but one example of how I walked my process for ME. I supported myself and my unique life and situation in ways that created balance within and as creating a life that is beneficial for me. Why? Because I matter. And until I make this a living realization in every moment, I will only be waiting forever for myself to change and become a better human being.

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Thanks for reading my story!

Day 215- How I Taught Myself to Compromise Myself in Relationships

The following self-forgiveness relates to a pattern I have lived out for most of my adult life. The pattern involves the fear of the future/not being able to support myself, and then looking to relationships to escape this fear and apparently 'solve' it - when, in reality, this starting point dooms the relationship, and leads to much self-compromise from the very beginning. 

For me, I located three events in my life: 1) A comment made to me by a neighboor I respected, 2) My first job experience and going to college (called CEGEP where I'm from), and 3) One of my first relationships that followed where I experienced financial support and adventure.

These three points worked together in my life to contribute to the creation of self-beliefs and beliefs about the world that influenced Who I Was/Am and penetrated into everything i did or tried to do. 

The following self-forgiveness explains the timeline, and how everything developed, the mis-takes I made and how I could have done better. It is literally like going back in time and taking myself by the hand in order to walk myself through these experiences again in a more beneficial way.

I also added at the end, three incredibly insightful and intimate video-interviews with a young girl that was just starting out and facing points of entering into a relationship-agreement. The videos describe how to lay the ground work out before so as not to make the very common and self-compromising mistakes that many people make in their lives and relationships with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have never thought or really seriously contemplated or focused on Who I Really am and what I want to do or be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have had the thought: this is my last free summer before working, I will always remember this summer, when and as my neighbour said these same words to me ("Is this your last free summer before working? I will always remember my last summer before working")

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a polarized idea of ‘free summer’  as good and fun and free, and ‘work’  as bad and trapped and the end of freedom, instead of having taken the moment to contemplate what I might like to do for work, what I might enjoy and what my interests were.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have associated work with bad, trapped, and the end of freedom, and not considered that I might enjoy working, and so never looking for, discussing or pursuing any particular job. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have taken my mom’s offer of a job she got for me, and seen it as having accepted being condemned to prison, a life of work, the end of freedom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have begun work with a split in me, wherein, part of me did not want to disappoint or embarrass my mother, but at the same time rebelled from what I saw as ‘imprisonment’, by moving out of the house and staying up late doing drugs and drinking, wherein the job did become like a terrible prison sentence, as I was constantly stressed about getting there on time, and so tired that I would fall asleep in the bathroom, dragging all day long which felt like torture, and not looking self-honestly to see that I was directly creating it, and not taking any self-responsibility to change it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not quit the job because it was too much, too many hours and I was not mentally prepared to take on such a task and could have admitted it was too much and started with a part-time job in order to understand what it means to work and take on responsibility, as it was something I had never done before, but instead I remained at the job out of fear of disappointing my parents and embarrassing them because they got me the job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself due to my own self-created fear of disappointing and embarrassing my parents, instead of placing myself and my needs first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as irresponsible and not good enough, a failure and incapable instead of looking self-honestly to see what changes I could make, or whether or not I was in over my head.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to self-introspect about what is too much for me, and that I might need to enter into things more slowly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider who I am and where I am at within myself when taking on new responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, instead of self-introspect and take Who I Am in the moment into consideration, I instead judged myself for not being able or capable of doing the job and work, thus creating a self-perception and self-relationship that was and is made toxic within and through self-judgment and self-beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have gone back to school thinking “I didn’t even get a summer” and create an experience of ‘over-worked’, ‘unrested’ and ‘worn out’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the self-beliefs of ‘over-worked’, ‘unrested’ and ‘worn out’, and instead of finding a better way to work, I created a solution as ‘avoiding work’ and not wanting to work, seeing ‘work’ as the cause of wearing me out and causing unrest instead of looking at my whole life-style and mental state and learning how to nurture and care for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need to have periods of extended ‘rest’, where I do whatever I want and have reduced or no responsibilities, in order to be able to function and work in this life, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that everything is a balance, between work and play, rest and pushing, and is not defined by periods of work and rest, but can be done within work and within rest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complain about having no summer and having worked too much, when in fact, I saw that I felt alright in my body, I was not too tired or overworked when I went back to school, but rather felt normal, and instead of seeing the reality of myself, I instead went with the idea that because I had worked, I should be tired and worn out.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  have gone into the mind of being overwhelmed, incapable and helpless in CEGEP, instead of looking at what I actually wanted to do, and reached out for assistance and support to support myself to accomplish my goals, in terms of signing up for classes on time and having my schedule prepared, as well as getting to know the building and being places on time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spiral out of control, and seek the energy of a social life, boyfriends, alcohol and drugs to make myself feel better, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I would have felt better had I become more directive and disciplined in my schooling, which is what I really wanted.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to reach out and seek assistance and support when I needed it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I was/am incapable of being assisted and supported, because of the thought, perception or belief that I wouldn’t get it, or wouldn’t understand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that if I don’t innately understand something, then I am unable to learn it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my negative experience of work and school with my positive experience of traveling with X, wherein I saw him and his money as saving me, and giving me the life I always wanted – which is being provided for and doing amazing things like traveling around the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself and look to men/partners/relationships as the only way to feel okay and have a life worth living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I could never create this life for myself, due to basing my judgment on a self that did not take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have focused on finding a man to take care of me and take responsibility for me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that every new relationship brought the same result of failure because I never fully stood up and lived for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself because I didn’t see instant results every time I tried to make a change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into relationships as if I owed something to the man because my starting point was that of taking and being supported by him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into relationships with a fear of loss, because I feared losing my support which I believed I depended upon, because I thought and believed that, without a man, my life would be like it was when things were tough, instead of realizing it had nothing to do with being in a relationship or not, and everything to do with my relationship to myself.

 Please watch these videos to get an intimate glimpse into what it takes to remain as an individual within a relationship, where the relationship becomes an agreement of mutual support:

Lilly and Malin / Self-Agreement and Self-Process

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zn2PGtsCudI Talk 1

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-X5mrVXhNYgTalk 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCtgp16IG70  Talk 3

A casual, comfortable, laid-back chat with Sunette, Lilly (through the Portal) and Malin discussing the establishment and practical living of and as self-agreement and the basic practical layout of what's ahead in walking one's personal 'self-process' as the conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind...and a few things in-between! 

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