Cleaning Up Shit and Undeniable Self-Responsiblity: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

After getting to bed waaaay too late, I was awoken at 5AM by a dog at my door. I opened it up to find a vast expanse of the living room floor covered in dog pee and diarrhea, about four or five distinct and large droppings, and then a plethora of small squirts and spurts splayed throughout to give a nice, balanced spread, like a work of art.

I turned around and went back to bed.

Backchat: "It's waaaay too early for this", "I definitely can't clean this up, I will vomit!", "someone else that has more time will get up and do it", "I did not CHOOSE this!".
...and on and on went my mind as I tossed and turned and could not avoid the undeniable position of responsibility I was in. So finally, I got up.

Attempt to avoid #1: Placing paper towels over all the poos and pees and going back to bed.
...backchat... tossing and turning...

Attempt #2: Wiping it all up all the poos and pees and heading back towards my room.
....undeniable responsibility stops me at the door.

Seeing it through: Finally, I had to live my understanding and realization of what it means to live self-responsibility, what it means to live self-movement, and what it means to move self despite resistances, backchat, justification and excuses, even and ESPECIALLY in the small, seemingly insignificant moments of Life.

So I went outside, found the mop, filled the bucket with soapy water and mopped the floor. Done.

The moral of the story?

Get up, get your ass out of bed and stand up at the beginning of each day, no matter what the day throws at you, even if it is, quite literally, really shitty (and not planned, not what you asked for, not something you created, or simply not pleasant).

In the daily moments, we learn, we practice, we develop. This is where and how we create self-will, bit by bit, moment by moment, practicing in the small, like a muscle, accumulation, and then ready and able if and when the big blows do come.

Standing up means moving self despite the mind-made reality, standing up from within excuses, avoidance, fear, justification and the rest of the figurative shit we create for ourselves to wade through in our own minds. Reality is tough enough as it is, why add to it unnecessarily?

 Wake up, BREATHE, be HERE, MOVE, and do what must be done.

Daily Osho Card Reading: 'THE DREAM' - Day 9 of 21

Today the intention I held within me as I pulled an Osho card for self-support was to help me identify what is the problem I face when I sit in front of my computer to work, and I become tense, easily distracted and participate in shifty focus, where I am drawn away from the task I set out to do, and do many other cool, yet un-planned things instead or additionally. This draws out the task at hand, and causes inefficiency in my work, as well as reactions towards not getting the things done as I had planned.

Card pulled: THE DREAM

Description:

"Some enchanted evening you're going to meet your soulmate, the perfect person who will meet all your needs and fulfill all your dreams. Right? Wrong! This fantasy that songwriters and poets are so fond of perpetuating has its roots in memories of the womb, where we were so secure and "at one" with our mothers; it's no wonder we have hankered to return to that place all our lives. But, to put it quite brutally, it is a childish dream. And it's amazing we hang on to it so stubbornly in the face of reality. Nobody, whether it's your current mate or some dreamed-of partner in the future, has any obligation to deliver your happiness on a platter--nor could they even if they wanted to. Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us."

This card's description reminds me of a quote from Bernard Poolman, that "work is love made visible".

I pulled this card in relation to 'work'. And surprisingly, the card is quite appropriate in what it mentions and neglects to mention.

I think what the card neglects to mention is the work it takes to "develop our own inner richness and maturity". It takes experience, meaning, actually walking through challenges, falling and getting up again, pushing self through resistances to get to the other side of them in order to develop these things, and seeing through commitments to actually know from living experience what that entails.

It is challenging, but I personally have mostly experienced fulfillment after having overcome a challenge.

 But in reading the description, I am also led to wonder: have I developed a romantic relationship with some potential work out there that I am waiting for to fulfill and complete me?  Where I will love the work so much that it will easily flow, never posing a challenge, never a resistance, never bringing forth a part of me that I will have to face and overcome?

This is the point that comes up when I apply this card in my life in relation to the support I had asked regarding my difficulty while working.

I have set myself up and walked a process where i am in the exact position I have always wanted to be. I absolutely love it and am so incredibly grateful to be here. But yes, I am still facing the same challenges that I was facing back at all the jobs I had labelled as 'meaningless to me', jobs that were not what I was passionate about, or were not what I wanted to be doing with my time. So, obviously it was never the job, it has always been me that is/was the 'problem'. Which is cool, because it means I am also the solution, and if I am the solution, then I can apply myself in any and all work that I do, as this too shall pass, and there is no saying what will come next or where I may end up at this point in my life.

What I can see when I bring the point up in me, is that there are certain parts of the work that I am doing that i have labelled as 'work' in terms of it not being exciting or fun or 'positive'. I will have a project with a final goal, and a lot of the work involved in getting there IS fun and enjoyable to me. But then there is 'the other stuff'. The research, the learning, the coursework, the 'serious stuff' that I have to go through to get to my final goal. And sometimes I don't know how to go about a certain step, in which case I go into a helplessness that I identified in my last blog, and that helplessness creates frustration and in this case avoidance and distraction.

This is cool to see as it is another dimension opening up about a point that I had just opened up yesterday. The thing about facing such points is that they are multi-dimensional in this way, and too often we will open up only one, maybe two dimensions of a point, never really getting the full picture of how it is playing out in our lives.

So, here I can see I have a romantic expectation of the job I am doing, an expectation that is unrealistic and thus, the starting point of the work is already problematic in that it will create consequences in my work when that expectation is not met. The correction here is to drop that starting point - to let go of any and all conscious or subconscious beliefs that such  perfect, easy and flowing work will come naturally, and end up making me feel fulfilled and complete automatically.

This does not mean I will accept and allow working to be a laborious struggle. It simply means I still need to re-define what work is to me, and look at who I am within it.

This brings up the point of the way I handle the more difficult or challenging, yet necessary steps towards my goals. I have come to program myself to see this scenario as a laborious struggle. These include the obstacles I face that I must figure out as I go, not already knowing how to handle them. These are unlike the obstacles I have faced many times and are now easier to see my way through, as I had already paved the way for myself.

Paving the way for oneself does not mean creating a life of paved roads, one that you can easily coast through till the end. That would mean only always sticking to what you know, what you have already done, and that is limiting. Paving the way means making space for oneself to expand - meaning, once you have one road paved, it becomes easier, so the time and effort you had put into paving it is now freed up to start another, new road. This way, there is no coasting, there is only constant expansion.

 I will continue in my next blog!

Day 213 - Ya, I Did It.

Today my challenge was to break through ‘foreboding’ and live the word ‘DETERMINED’, and ya, I did it!

This is the recap of ‘how it went’ from my last blog: Naked Face, Facing Naked Truth
https://steemit.com/life/@kimzilla/naked-face-facing-naked-truth

I started out the day feeling like it was going to be a bad day, already squirming at the thought of going back to work. I traced the experience back to childhood, understood it, cleared it with some self-forgiveness, and decided how I was going to move forward. And that is exactly what I did. Man, these tools are amazing!

I made a list of things I had to or wanted to get done. I also included on that list something nice for me (manicure!), and I did everything except one thing. The thing I resist most. I left it out and did not accomplish that, but I will leave the details of that for another blog.

I used the word determined to live today, and I did it in such a way that was practical, wherein at every fork in the proverbial road, I stood as the determining factor. Instead of growing anxious about a decision and going into self-doubt, procrastination or avoidance, I took a moment to make a choice with confidence and used determination to see it through.

At the end of the day today, I can look back on the day and feel satisfied: today I supported myself, today was a good investment into the rest of my life.

To make an investment into YOUR life, take a moment to check out the following resources, but be careful.... it might change your life!

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

Day 98- Pain Subsiding

This is a continuation from days 96 and 97, wherein I am writting through the pain I recently experienced, which is still somewhat here, with the support from this article, excerpts of which are written in italics.

Anxiety Strain Fear Uncertainty Judgment Resistance

 

“Also, I suggest to have a look where and with whom, specifically within your world, you are still accepting / allowing you to react to, specifically related to the words mentioned above and apply self forgiveness accordingly. With each person you look at the following questions:

Why am I reacting towards this being? What do they represent to which I am reacting? What within them have I not yet accepted within me? What within them do I react to which I have not yet dealt with within me?

And so you answer the questions for yourself and apply self forgiveness. Then, you 'test' your self forgiveness application in their presence. If you still react, the self forgiveness is not specific and direct enough. And so you continue until you no longer react to human beings when you're in their presence.

Realize that they are you assisting and supporting you to show you where specific self application is still required.”

 “

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anxiety towards a being because I have equated this person to my effectiveness, yet this person, as all people, reflect back to me all the ways in which I am not yet effective, thus, each and every person will show me/give me opportunities to see myself and that which I have not yet faced/dealt with, so that I may do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in strain towards a being because I believe/perceive that I am responsible for this person’s process and self-realization, instead of realizing that each one can only do so for self within and as self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as fear towards a being due to my participation in my secret mind which I fear being exposed/called out/held responsible for, instead of taking self-responsibility to stop the thoughts that are not equal and one with life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as uncertainty toward a being because there is so much that I would like to express and ask but I haven’t yet because I’ve been waiting for the ‘right time’, only to realize there might not be a ‘right time’ for certain things, while other things require patience as well as diligence and a commitment to myself to sort out within my relationship to this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as judgment to/towards a being, instead of speaking common sense in the opportune moments, and/or bringing the judgment back to self when necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as resistance to a being when and as I feel fear to speak up for myself because of the possibility of conflict, instead of taking a moment to stop, and breathe and speak from a starting point of oneness and equality as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards a being because they represent the belief I hold that change is not possible, it’s too hard and I am unable to be the diligence, commitment and patience I require to be with/for myself within this process of self-change, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that throughout this entire process, all I have ever done is constantly and continuously proven to myself that change IS possible, but that it is not instant, it requires building myself up as the patience, diligence and to stand within and as the commitments I make to/for/with myself, which is also a process, and one that I am willing to walk.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because they represent my former ideologies that this world is doomed, humanity is doomed and there is no point to our existence, and if anyone tries to fool me into believing there is a point and that humanity is not doomed, then I would react within anger and disbelief, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Life is the point of Life, and I will only ever view it as ‘doomed’ so long as I view myself as ‘doomed’- and that I will only view myself as ‘doomed’ if I know I will never challenge myself to change, and within this, seeing/realizing/understanding that I in fact have challenged myself to look at my human nature and change it, and have only shown myself that change is possible, and another way of Life is possible, and that each one only ever ‘dooms’ oneself by existing within and as the limitations of beLIEfs without ever actually moving self to prove to oneself what is ACTUALLY possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because I see that person living out the same patterns over and over without taking a step back and looking at themselves and what they are doing/not doing to perpetuate seemingly endless cycles of self-abuse, instead of looking at myself and seeing where I need to take a step back in order to see where I am still participating in seemingly endless cycles of self-abuse, and then calling myself out, stopping, and changing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because the being is representing the life I used to live, wherein I identified with certain things and believed they were Life, that they were ‘really living’, wherein, now I see differently, and I see within my reaction to this being that I still have not let go of the value and importance I have placed on certain things from my ‘old life’- things which never got me anywhere, which were self-destructive and which were but a distraction keeping me from facing myself  in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the belief that drinking, partying and going out to bars and getting wasted are ‘what living is all about’, because I see, realize and understand that these things never got me anywhere, were only ever self-destructive, and were but a distraction keeping me from facing myself Here. Self-expression, enjoyment and REAL living DO NOT require alcohol, in fact, drinking alcohol and getting drunk are the opposite of living as it is the manifestation of self-defeat.

 

 

Day 5 – What Goes Up Must Come Down

            I am on the ‘downside’ of the patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in these last 4 days.What I am experiencing right now is VERY familiar, so it’s definitely really cool that I have been writing because now I can see the ‘up’ I went through, wherein I was motivated and I felt like I had lots of energy and I could ‘do it all’. But now, today, I feel like I’m pushing a boulder up a hill just to do the basic stuff during the day. I had resistence to pretty much every little thing I had to do. It felt very draining and I’m glad to have exposed this to myself because I’d prefer not to have to go through it so blindly again. Now that it’s identified, I can finally start taking it apart and work towards stopping it altogether.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energetic highs, wherein I become all motivated and try/attempt to ‘do it all,’ thus creating a kind of ‘high’ experience for myself that creates a poitvie energectic experience because I perceive or believe it might last forever wherein I will get so much done inmy day and in life. But now I see beyond a doubt that this is a polarity, and it has and will always lead to a crash such as the one I experienced today. It is a projection into the future about where I 'will be' at some later date, without taking into consideration where I actually am, and the steps/process it will take to get me to where I want to be.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to to see and realize the extent of my participation in the energetic possession, and for not stopping myself as soon as I realize it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within these energetic polarities without fully realizing the consequences of them and thus blindly following my experiential self into a high which leads to a crash which really fucks with me.  I have had enough of this, and I understand I will have to walk through it again and again until I deconstruct it and understand it until I am able to stand through it from beginning to end, over and over. To this, I am committed, because the alternative is polarity, the up and down that fucks with me and creates the struggle such as that which I experienced today. If it's going to be a struggle, and 'hard' within reistance, I might as well be working toward a solution rather than the perpetual cycles of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crawl through my day with internal conversation that are like whining about the smallest resistances which I knew very well were self-created, yet I accepted and allowed them to fuck with me anyways.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand up and walk breath by breath within and as self-direction throughout my entire day.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting or allowing myself to realize the importance and the utmost urgency that is required within realizing what I am capable of in terms of facing me, moving me and pushing through my self-created resistances, and the time that is wasted every time I choose not to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe resistances are real and will last forever, instead of realizing they are self-created, will last only for a finite amount of time, and if pushed through- will allow me to expend and grow.

When I see that I am facing resistances throughout my day in a moment I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that th resistances are here to be pushed through, and in order to push through them, I need to have a practical ‘plan’ to walk step by step in order to not fuck myself up due to those resistances. So, when I see that I am facing a resistance, I stop, and I breathe. I clear myself and look at the task I am resisting. I identify the end-goal and my starting point to see if it is clear, and from there, I map out the steps I will have to go through in order to complete the task.

I commit myself to practically walk through the resistances I will inevitably face as I change, and to learn how to incorporate this into m daily life until it is an automated response, more automated than my mind.

I commit myself to push me, gently, but also firmly when I have to, to really see and be aware of the resistances I manifest for me, and to stick to the application that I wrote out for myself to assist and support myself to direct myself when I face this pattern again.