"Your Flowers Will Come" - The story of a flower

The process that was highlighted was that of the stem of this flower - how it is more gnarly, bent, with stumps and bumps - not a smooth and flawless stem like some flowers have.

As it grows, the flower knows it is a flower, and that eventually it will blossom into the more colorful and expressive part of itself, but this knowing can be used as a double-edged sword:

On the one hand, there is the trust and comfort of knowing that one day it will be a flower, it's full potential of what it is able to be and express, because it can see and feel itself within itself.

But instead of being patient and gentle with itself in this act of self-creation - each time there would be a movement - it would go into an expectation of flowering before it was time - wanting to already 'be there' and 'be that' - but because of this focus on an expectation and then reality not matching that, there would instead be a self-judgment of not standing, not 'being there yet' - and it would become an attack on itself.

So instead of the movement being fully supportive and 'smooth', it would turn into somewhat of a trauma, a disappointment, a let-down, as if it had been let down by life, by itself and what 'should be' here.

In not realizing the necessity of the movements, with their pain and where they are sometimes seemingly incomprehensible, a stump would form where it would have been a leaf if it were to have been accepted and walked as a support, growth, strengthening and empowerment - where it would have become a support as a leaf as a solar panel to feed the eventual flower, which was not yet Here and so could not be seen, but only trusted.

There is an addictive nature to the negative, the pain, the disappointment and the self-punishment. So sometimes a 'smooth' process is walked and a leaf properly formed that would act as that support for the eventual flower, but sometimes the flower would fall back into the pattern, and create another stump, like a scar or damage.

When it blossomed and looked back at the process it walked and saw what it had been doing, what the support actually was in the movements, how it 'could have' been different, it was able to forgive itself completely, let go of the 'negative' values it had placed on the movements that became stumps, bumps and knots, and accepted itself exactly how it was.

The gnarly stem, it's life path, despite the trauma and the scars, did not stop or prevent the blossoming of the flower when it came time to blossom because of the forgiveness it was able to gift itself.

So, in the end the flower stands, in full knowing that it could have been different, but also in complete acceptance of the process it walked - because it is done, it cannot be changed. The one thing it was able to stand by was knowing Who/What It Was.

For us, as humans - some of us have a more traumatic life path, either imposed upon us, self-created, or a bit of both. So long as we do not forget our potential, our stand and our knowing of Who We Are in this Life, our flowers will come. So long as we are able to derive the support from the pain, the trauma and the movements in our lives, instead of being overcome and lost in them, our flowers will come.

Our Life Paths may leave us with scars, our traumas and the environments we are born into with the people, the genetics, the available resources, may limit the potential of what 'could have been', but there is always our potential of Who We Are within this environment we are born into.

One thing we can change through this reflection of the flower is to take that stand sooner rather than having to repeat the pain and 'life lessons' over and over. Instead of putting time, expectation and energy into the traumas, to rather learn from them and divert the growth into our potential, or as support for our eventual blossoming - actually changing Who We Are within and how we process life events, will determine our potential and what we are able to become.

Find your potential, see your potential, and never forget your potential. Stick to that path in trust and know: Your flowers will come.

Cleaning Up Shit and Undeniable Self-Responsiblity: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

After getting to bed waaaay too late, I was awoken at 5AM by a dog at my door. I opened it up to find a vast expanse of the living room floor covered in dog pee and diarrhea, about four or five distinct and large droppings, and then a plethora of small squirts and spurts splayed throughout to give a nice, balanced spread, like a work of art.

I turned around and went back to bed.

Backchat: "It's waaaay too early for this", "I definitely can't clean this up, I will vomit!", "someone else that has more time will get up and do it", "I did not CHOOSE this!".
...and on and on went my mind as I tossed and turned and could not avoid the undeniable position of responsibility I was in. So finally, I got up.

Attempt to avoid #1: Placing paper towels over all the poos and pees and going back to bed.
...backchat... tossing and turning...

Attempt #2: Wiping it all up all the poos and pees and heading back towards my room.
....undeniable responsibility stops me at the door.

Seeing it through: Finally, I had to live my understanding and realization of what it means to live self-responsibility, what it means to live self-movement, and what it means to move self despite resistances, backchat, justification and excuses, even and ESPECIALLY in the small, seemingly insignificant moments of Life.

So I went outside, found the mop, filled the bucket with soapy water and mopped the floor. Done.

The moral of the story?

Get up, get your ass out of bed and stand up at the beginning of each day, no matter what the day throws at you, even if it is, quite literally, really shitty (and not planned, not what you asked for, not something you created, or simply not pleasant).

In the daily moments, we learn, we practice, we develop. This is where and how we create self-will, bit by bit, moment by moment, practicing in the small, like a muscle, accumulation, and then ready and able if and when the big blows do come.

Standing up means moving self despite the mind-made reality, standing up from within excuses, avoidance, fear, justification and the rest of the figurative shit we create for ourselves to wade through in our own minds. Reality is tough enough as it is, why add to it unnecessarily?

 Wake up, BREATHE, be HERE, MOVE, and do what must be done.

How Do You Know If You Have Changed?

How do you know if you have changed? Have you ever asked yourself this? Have you taken a moment to look?

If you are someone that is pushing to change, how often have you taken a moment to ask: have I changed today? Have I pushed myself to expand, grow and evolve? Or have I let yet another day slip by in unawareness, with no self-evolution, no self-expansion, and no personal growth? For me, it has been a long while since I looked at this question.

But it came up as I was listening to ‘Stomach Flu: Consequence and Support’ (https://eqafe.com/p/stomach-flu-consequence-and-support-the-future-of-awareness-part-97), which asked this very question, and so I took a moment to reflect. To my pleasant surprise, I could think of three moments in the past three days, including today, where I experienced a definitive change in myself and how I handled a situation within myself in a moment.

When I say “experienced a change”, it may sound like the change happened to me, and I was more like a passenger going along for the ride. This is not the case. What happened in each one of these moments is that I saw myself acting/reacting in a way that I did not like, that I saw was not best for me, that I saw was simply ‘the way I have always been’, and in that moment made a definitive decision to change.

In this quantum moment of looking I could see the consequence, the play out and the end result of who and how I would be creating myself if I were to go along with ‘the way I have always been’. And in that moment, I scripted out a change and lived it, creating a real time living moment where my ‘Who I Am’ was something completely new, being created in that moment, instead of repeating a past personality character as ‘the way I have always been’. In this way, creating a ‘new script’ for myself as the ideal version of me I would like to be and become.

The following will illustrate what I mean by ‘creating a new script’, where I, in awareness, step in and make a definitive decision to change in one moment, and where, in the moments that follow, I get to decide moment by moment who I am, I get to see parts of myself that are new to me, or express parts of myself that I always knew were there, but never had the courage to bring forth and live for real.

Moment of change #1: From awkward and suppressed to expressive and free

I was in the car with a bunch of people, and I started to feel anxious energy moving in. It started because I had felt rushed to get ready and feared the car had left without me, because all the people had left the house and met at the car and I wasn’t sure if they knew I was still coming with or not. In the car, I noticed that the people were being expressive, boisterous and jovial, while I was feeling slightly stressed and anxious due to feeling rushed and worried, and so I felt rigid, stiff and supressed.

I started thinking that I was like the party-pooper, the quiet one that would just sit there and not participate in the fun – a pattern I have lived out so many times. I felt that I would put a damper on the fun, and saw myself withdrawing within myself hoping nobody would notice me, kind of just wanting to disappear and wondering if I should have even come.

The seeing: I saw that if I continued like this, it would affect my entire day. I would start feeling alien and awkward around the other people, and want to dodge any attention or focus on myself.

The decision: I decided that I did not want to live out this pattern, and that I in fact had a choice. I decided that I would instead enjoy this day, look forward to it. I took the anxious energy and instead connected it to the events of the day that I was looking forward to, to the enjoyment I knew I could experience within interacting with these people, and to feeling comfortable and confident in my body and my ability to express myself equally. In this moment I transformed the ‘anxious energy’ into ‘excitement energy’. This all happened in less than a second, and in that moment where I saw how easily I could take myself back from this experience and change the energy, I dropped the energy all together and simply let myself be, the energy no longer had power over me and who I am, and Who I really am could step forward.

The new script: I immediately felt a shift in myself, like a weight had been lifted. In that moment, someone asked a question: “shall we stop for some snacks?” and instead of mumbling ‘no’ and that I was fine and needed nothing (because I wouldn’t want to put anybody out for my unworthy needs), I responded that YES! Of course we should do that! What a treat! Here are all the things I would like to pick up that I will enjoy today (insert all sorts of treats and yummy things here), and where would be the best place to stop?

And then I actually enjoyed picking things out in the store, seeing what the others purchased, sharing, munching and going about the day. The day was amazing, full of laughing, joking, talking, exploring and fun. I felt comfortable, at ease, and I enjoyed myself very, very much.


Moment of Change #2: From insecure and defensive to amused and open

I was walking in the field with two people, and we were chatting. Someone brought it to my attention that I was walking very fast, and a discussion ensued about my propensity to be rushed and do things in unawareness. This is a weakness of mine that I am currently working on, and that is still a point that I contend with daily. One of the people described this point out loud, plain, simple and direct, mentioning about how it is still very present in my life and living. I felt insecure with my weakness being exposed, and I felt defensive energy coming up where I wanted to deny or fight this statement.

The seeing: I saw that if I were to deny or fight the point, I would basically be arguing for my own limitation, because the reality is that I do want to correct this point, so why hide it or defend it? I saw that I would simply be lying to myself and causing the point to linger even longer because in ‘defending myself’ in this moment, I saw that what I would actually be doing would be defending the pattern. Not only that, but I would be creating friction with the people around me, placing walls between us and thus preventing any possible support to be given to me.


The decision: I decided that there is no need to hide or defend my weakness, and that I could stand even though I am not perfect, because I want to change and therefore I need to see myself for real. I decided that I would instead look at the statement objectively and embrace the fact that I have this idiosyncrasy that is actually quite funny. In that moment, again, I felt a shift, a weight dropped away and I felt light, loose and relaxed.

The new script: I burst out laughing at myself and the ridiculousness of this point of absentmindedness that I have been living out and admitted that I am having quite a difficult time with supporting myself to change this point. I mentioned some support that I had been given that I thought was practical, and the others then added to that support and helped me to clarify how I was looking at the point. The topic then changed and I was able to let go of the moment (remembering the tips and tricks they gave me) and move on to the next moment and topic of discussion seamlessly and naturally with no lingering feelings of insecurity or defensiveness like I would have done in the past.

Moment of Change #3: from weak and inferior to strong like a mountain

I was sitting in an EQAFE interview and the being was describing what happens within us when we create and participate within the ‘fear of authority’- how a lack of confidence and the emergence of insecurity and inferiority can overcome us in moments when we face someone the resonates authority and superiority. This happens because of how we view and judge our own character, highlighting our own weaknesses, living ‘weakness of character’ as ourselves as Who We Are.

As I was listening to the interview, I began to place myself, in my mind, in the position of confronting an authority and feeling weak, insecure and inferior. The energy began to manifest in me, reminding me of a time where I felt as stable as a mountain, but with weaknesses where, if I were to be hit in a weak spot, my entire mountain would crumble. Kind of like a chain only being as strong as it’s weakest link. I did not like this about myself and, at the time, I felt like there was no way to change it. In the interview, I began to feel physically uncomfortable, not wanting to listen or hear anymore, just wanting to get up and walk out.

The seeing: In this moment, where the insecure, weak and inferior energy started crawling in with my thoughts and remembrances, I realized I hadn’t checked in on this point in a while. I saw that I had the tendency to pick out all my weaknesses and totally disregard any strength. In doing this, I saw how I created a self-perception of a ‘weak character’ that can be knocked over easily, inferior and insecure when confronted. I saw how, when I participate in this way of thinking, I actually actively create it as myself in the present moment, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The decision: I decided to instead look at everything beneficial and self-strengthening I had done and am doing for and as myself since my last check in on this point. All of a sudden, I began to see so many things, so many decisions I had made that I had seen through to completion, so many times I placed myself in situations where I had to face an authority figure, and had stood up and voiced myself, so many moments of self-support that I had lived. It was like all these moments and remembrances began to come to me and collect inside of me like giant, solid pieces of myself that I was seeing for the first time, filling all the holes and gaps in the mountain I had seen myself as, strengthening it to the point where there were no longer any weak spots that could be targeted. In this moment, a confidence and stability began to easily replace the insecurity, weakness and inferiority I had been feeling moments before.

The new script: My experience of myself changed from uncomfortable and wanting to leave the room, to comfortable, confident and understanding. I was taken aback at how I had overlooked so many aspects of myself, not appreciated the things I had done for and as myself over the past years, and instead had only focused on my challenges and weaknesses. I was able to now focus on the information being shared as support for how to handle people that resonate authority and superiority.
 How they in fact are also stuck in these points and almost require to dominate over others in order to feel secure within themselves, which is a shame and can sometimes only be endured and tolerated by others until the individual walks the point back to an equality, within themselves and with others.





I have personally lived both ends of this polarity, but am now equipped with the understanding to simply see right through it as I practice my living stability as an equal member of the group called life.

In the end, as I was writing this I began to remember more moments of change, expansion and growth which came flooding into my mind from these past months and years. But the truth and reality is that it still isn’t nearly enough. I see that I could be so much more directive within it, making it a point and directed effort to continue to push daily moments of change. It takes no extra effort, in fact, it is more effortful to hold up and maintain past patterns and limitations – that takes energy, exertion, arguing, reacting, cycling. Rather live unbound, in the moment, courageously walking into the unknown with moment by moment change.

My road to change began here: www.desteni.org. Where will you begin yours?

Day 247 - Redefining Nourishment

I was looking at the word ‘nourishment’ because it is a word which, when I hear it I get a tingly sensation in my body, like “YES!”, “DO THIS!”. I have seen that when I am cared for and supported by self and others, I tend to move and grow well, but when I am left stagnant, when I abandon myself and let myself drift along, I wither and my life falls into somewhat of a chaos. When I feel uncared for or abandoned by others, it highlights my own tendency to lack self-care and abandon myself.

Care, support and ‘nourishment’ from others is great and amazing, but it cannot be depended on such as a situation where we are constantly abandoning ourselves and depending on others to always come to our rescue, pick us up when we fall and be that support in time of need. We have to be able to do this for ourselves, where cultivating and nourishing relationships of support with others is a natural outflow of our own self-relationship of self-cultivation, self-nourishment and self-care.

To clarify, abandoning self would be letting little things slide in one’s life. Whether it be internal points that require attention, definition and direction (feeling and emotional points interfering in one’s life), external points such as daily maintenance (diet, exercise, hygiene, care for one’s belongings etc), consistency (in scheduled structure, stability or maintaining an orderly environment for example). I have noticed that when I abandon myself, I start letting these things go in some degree, where when all the small points accumulate, it feels like my life and world are falling into chaos and all the little points add up to what seems like an overwhelming amount of things that need tending to. 

This seems so overwhelming, simply because I hav abandoned myself inside myself, and therefor I feel I have nothing to hold onto for assistance and support – the assistance and support I am able to give myself during these times, but due to a fall into thoughts, perceptions, ideas and belief, I rather create an internal and external reality of lack of self-care and self-nourishment, and feel helpless and powerless to make a change.

Another clarification would be the distinction between self-care and self-nourishment. Self-care would be the daily maintenance: making sure I eat, keep my room and home orderly, keeping up with hair, nail, oral and body hygiene etc… whereas self-nourishment is more about what I eat (which I decide based on testing out different foods/supplements, seeing my body’s reaction to different things at different times, seeing what works, what I like, what supports me), how I set up my room to support my work/rest/recreation, what products I use for hygiene and why I chose them, and so forth. 

Even the acts of testing, research, trial and error are aspects of self-care that lead to proper self-nourishment when the best results are found and implemented.

What is interesting here is that I sometimes have resistance to both self-care and self-nourishment, due to the point of me not really fully caring about myself for real still coming up as a point for me in those moments of self-abandonment and retreat. It is when the self-judgments are triggered and emerge, ancient points of self-loathing and self-hate that I had created within myself over time based on self-perceptions and experiences that are long passed, yet planted seeds that took root and which I am still busy weeding from my self and living.

And so, if I continue with the garden analogy and think of myself as a plant, one that has a need for nourishment every day, and which can’t be left due to ‘not feeling like it’ or ‘not being in the mood’ without causing unnecessary consequences and set-backs to growth.

Looking at the word ‘Nourish’

I hear in it’s sound: New Rich

Within this, I see that every new day holds the possibility of abundance to be had, so long as one is willing and able to move self to take it or create it.

Every day is new, we do not have to be prisoners of our pasts.

Richness can be seen like a rich soil – an environment that provides everything necessary for growth. 

This, for me, means an environment where I have a proper diet and exercise, relationships of trust and support, a certain amount of structure and orderliness within which I can work, also fun and recreational activities, and then opportunities for challenges and learning as well. This, to me, is a rich environment, and all of these things are within my ability to cultivate, create and grow in my life.

I also see the potential for eternal expansion, where ‘new riches’ can and must be cultivated and discovered every day.

In conclusion, self-nourishment is the act of cultivating a rich environment within which I will grow best. I can begin implementing my solutions to the self-abandonment and the chaos that ensues by taking the simple steps or picking myself up and organizing my environment and life again after a fall, and to push myself to develop the consistency required to truly live the word ‘self-nourishment’.

Daily Osho Card Reading - Day 21 of 21: THE SOURCE

"When we speak of being "grounded" or "centered" it is this Source we are talking about. When we begin a creative project, it is this Source that we tune in to. This card reminds us that there is a vast reservoir of energy available to us. And that we tap into it not by thinking and planning but by getting grounded, centered, and silent enough to be in contact with the Source. It is within each of us, like a personal, individual sun giving us life and nourishment. Pure energy, pulsating, available, it is ready to give us anything we need to accomplish something, and ready to welcome us back home when we want to rest. So whether you are beginning something new and need inspiration right now, or you've just finished something and want to rest, go to the Source. It's always waiting for you, and you don't even have to step out of your house to find it."

This is very cool timing for this card, as I am about to begin a complex project that I have been slightly resisting, yet at the same time preparing myself for, now feeling nothing but ready for it. The tendency I noticed is to look at a large task and become overwhelmed by it's complexity and enormity, bringing all of it right here and placing potentially hundreds of hours of work in my mind as if I will have to experience it all at once.

The thing about long-term projects or big tasks is that they can only happen one step at a time. So bringing in any extra steps, potentialities, projections etc... is really of no use. The image on the card represents this quite well, where there is a strong and defined focal point, and on the outside there are snake-like forms, almost resembling sperm, looking like they are trying to penetrate that core in order to plant the seeds of distraction, resistance, thoughts, ideas and beliefs.

Within the card's description I am seeing the process of developing focus, stability and groundedness within and through pushing and practicing tapping into the 'source' of self, that life essence that brings passion and motivation. This reminds me of a recording done on EQAFE, called Recognizing Your Life Signature, explaining how to practice this point of nurturing and growing that life thread or essence, as it is something that has to be practiced in, applied in awareness, and does not just come to us 'naturally' due to the nature and relationship we have developed with our minds.

Practicing in one's life essence, or in other words 'tapping into source', is something rather new to me, something that requires a process walked in awareness in order to discover for self, step-by-step. I can see that I am right now primed for it, I feel it, I see the first steps, and now it is a matter of pushing forward to dive in and do it.

I have been dancing around this point for a while, seeing that I am ready but instead of diving in, doing all the little tasks around the point, still 'preparing', 'setting myself up to begin', until finally, there is nothing standing in between me and just getting started. I had a few false starts already, but have since corrected them and re-aligned my starting point. I also see the tendency of the mind to now create more distractions, entertainments, other 'feel good' experiences to place between myself and really getting down to doing something for real.

So now, there is nothing more I need to do but to get started, tap into that source to make this project a life project within which I get to discover parts of myself that I have not yet dared venture into before. A new process, a new path of creation, another step in my process of eternal self-discovery and birthing myself here as life in the physical. I am ready.