Taking a Stand in Saying "NO": micro-blog from Desteni Universe

This week’s word I have been working with is ‘NO’. When it comes to saying ‘No’, I find my ‘people pleaser’ programming gets triggered. My process of coming to a ‘no’ in any given situation would be one where I would look first and foremost to what concessions I can make, where I can find or make the time and what compromises I can offer, where the end result would usually be a ‘Yes’, where it should have been a ‘No’/’No, not now’/’No, maybe later’.

In working with animals and with children, I have been placed in a position where I either re-define and live a proper ‘No’, or I get pushed around, feeling abused within unclear boundaries – because children and animals will take a mile when you’ve only offered an inch, testing your stand at every opportunity.

My re-defining and living of the word ‘No’ has been closely linked to my process of self-authority, and this week I would like to focus on the internal ‘No’ – that stand that I see I can take with myself and my mind, specifically when energies come up that tend to shake me, possess me and influence the entirety of Who and How I am.

In taking the stand and the certainty I am developing with my external environment, I now see I can apply it within myself too!

The important thing I have realized is that there is a difference between a ‘No’ that suppresses,
ignores and pushes the energy back down into myself (not good), and then there is the ‘No’ where I bring the energy up within me, really feel it, define it, embrace it as a part of myself, and then I take that stand and that stance and say ‘NO’ within myself – stating that I will not accept and allow this
energy to take me over in moments, that I chose instead to be Here and Breathe.

In a way, both telling myself ‘No’, and at the same time, hearing a ‘No’ from me – all within the understanding that this is NOT how I will accept and allow myself to be, that things are going to be changing now, that there is a part of me that is now being told to step down, and another part that will step up.

And even in voicing that word ‘No’ within myself, I am showing myself that the part of me that will step up, will in fact do so, is capable of doing so, is Here, ready and able to take that stand – because the process of developing that ‘No’ was in fact a process, it was strengthened and developed, walked through understanding, testing, trial and error and into a living. And now, being armed with that ‘No’, I can say the most difficult ‘No’ of all – the one I must say to myself, over and over until I change.

How Do You Know If You Have Changed?

How do you know if you have changed? Have you ever asked yourself this? Have you taken a moment to look?

If you are someone that is pushing to change, how often have you taken a moment to ask: have I changed today? Have I pushed myself to expand, grow and evolve? Or have I let yet another day slip by in unawareness, with no self-evolution, no self-expansion, and no personal growth? For me, it has been a long while since I looked at this question.

But it came up as I was listening to ‘Stomach Flu: Consequence and Support’ (https://eqafe.com/p/stomach-flu-consequence-and-support-the-future-of-awareness-part-97), which asked this very question, and so I took a moment to reflect. To my pleasant surprise, I could think of three moments in the past three days, including today, where I experienced a definitive change in myself and how I handled a situation within myself in a moment.

When I say “experienced a change”, it may sound like the change happened to me, and I was more like a passenger going along for the ride. This is not the case. What happened in each one of these moments is that I saw myself acting/reacting in a way that I did not like, that I saw was not best for me, that I saw was simply ‘the way I have always been’, and in that moment made a definitive decision to change.

In this quantum moment of looking I could see the consequence, the play out and the end result of who and how I would be creating myself if I were to go along with ‘the way I have always been’. And in that moment, I scripted out a change and lived it, creating a real time living moment where my ‘Who I Am’ was something completely new, being created in that moment, instead of repeating a past personality character as ‘the way I have always been’. In this way, creating a ‘new script’ for myself as the ideal version of me I would like to be and become.

The following will illustrate what I mean by ‘creating a new script’, where I, in awareness, step in and make a definitive decision to change in one moment, and where, in the moments that follow, I get to decide moment by moment who I am, I get to see parts of myself that are new to me, or express parts of myself that I always knew were there, but never had the courage to bring forth and live for real.

Moment of change #1: From awkward and suppressed to expressive and free

I was in the car with a bunch of people, and I started to feel anxious energy moving in. It started because I had felt rushed to get ready and feared the car had left without me, because all the people had left the house and met at the car and I wasn’t sure if they knew I was still coming with or not. In the car, I noticed that the people were being expressive, boisterous and jovial, while I was feeling slightly stressed and anxious due to feeling rushed and worried, and so I felt rigid, stiff and supressed.

I started thinking that I was like the party-pooper, the quiet one that would just sit there and not participate in the fun – a pattern I have lived out so many times. I felt that I would put a damper on the fun, and saw myself withdrawing within myself hoping nobody would notice me, kind of just wanting to disappear and wondering if I should have even come.

The seeing: I saw that if I continued like this, it would affect my entire day. I would start feeling alien and awkward around the other people, and want to dodge any attention or focus on myself.

The decision: I decided that I did not want to live out this pattern, and that I in fact had a choice. I decided that I would instead enjoy this day, look forward to it. I took the anxious energy and instead connected it to the events of the day that I was looking forward to, to the enjoyment I knew I could experience within interacting with these people, and to feeling comfortable and confident in my body and my ability to express myself equally. In this moment I transformed the ‘anxious energy’ into ‘excitement energy’. This all happened in less than a second, and in that moment where I saw how easily I could take myself back from this experience and change the energy, I dropped the energy all together and simply let myself be, the energy no longer had power over me and who I am, and Who I really am could step forward.

The new script: I immediately felt a shift in myself, like a weight had been lifted. In that moment, someone asked a question: “shall we stop for some snacks?” and instead of mumbling ‘no’ and that I was fine and needed nothing (because I wouldn’t want to put anybody out for my unworthy needs), I responded that YES! Of course we should do that! What a treat! Here are all the things I would like to pick up that I will enjoy today (insert all sorts of treats and yummy things here), and where would be the best place to stop?

And then I actually enjoyed picking things out in the store, seeing what the others purchased, sharing, munching and going about the day. The day was amazing, full of laughing, joking, talking, exploring and fun. I felt comfortable, at ease, and I enjoyed myself very, very much.


Moment of Change #2: From insecure and defensive to amused and open

I was walking in the field with two people, and we were chatting. Someone brought it to my attention that I was walking very fast, and a discussion ensued about my propensity to be rushed and do things in unawareness. This is a weakness of mine that I am currently working on, and that is still a point that I contend with daily. One of the people described this point out loud, plain, simple and direct, mentioning about how it is still very present in my life and living. I felt insecure with my weakness being exposed, and I felt defensive energy coming up where I wanted to deny or fight this statement.

The seeing: I saw that if I were to deny or fight the point, I would basically be arguing for my own limitation, because the reality is that I do want to correct this point, so why hide it or defend it? I saw that I would simply be lying to myself and causing the point to linger even longer because in ‘defending myself’ in this moment, I saw that what I would actually be doing would be defending the pattern. Not only that, but I would be creating friction with the people around me, placing walls between us and thus preventing any possible support to be given to me.


The decision: I decided that there is no need to hide or defend my weakness, and that I could stand even though I am not perfect, because I want to change and therefore I need to see myself for real. I decided that I would instead look at the statement objectively and embrace the fact that I have this idiosyncrasy that is actually quite funny. In that moment, again, I felt a shift, a weight dropped away and I felt light, loose and relaxed.

The new script: I burst out laughing at myself and the ridiculousness of this point of absentmindedness that I have been living out and admitted that I am having quite a difficult time with supporting myself to change this point. I mentioned some support that I had been given that I thought was practical, and the others then added to that support and helped me to clarify how I was looking at the point. The topic then changed and I was able to let go of the moment (remembering the tips and tricks they gave me) and move on to the next moment and topic of discussion seamlessly and naturally with no lingering feelings of insecurity or defensiveness like I would have done in the past.

Moment of Change #3: from weak and inferior to strong like a mountain

I was sitting in an EQAFE interview and the being was describing what happens within us when we create and participate within the ‘fear of authority’- how a lack of confidence and the emergence of insecurity and inferiority can overcome us in moments when we face someone the resonates authority and superiority. This happens because of how we view and judge our own character, highlighting our own weaknesses, living ‘weakness of character’ as ourselves as Who We Are.

As I was listening to the interview, I began to place myself, in my mind, in the position of confronting an authority and feeling weak, insecure and inferior. The energy began to manifest in me, reminding me of a time where I felt as stable as a mountain, but with weaknesses where, if I were to be hit in a weak spot, my entire mountain would crumble. Kind of like a chain only being as strong as it’s weakest link. I did not like this about myself and, at the time, I felt like there was no way to change it. In the interview, I began to feel physically uncomfortable, not wanting to listen or hear anymore, just wanting to get up and walk out.

The seeing: In this moment, where the insecure, weak and inferior energy started crawling in with my thoughts and remembrances, I realized I hadn’t checked in on this point in a while. I saw that I had the tendency to pick out all my weaknesses and totally disregard any strength. In doing this, I saw how I created a self-perception of a ‘weak character’ that can be knocked over easily, inferior and insecure when confronted. I saw how, when I participate in this way of thinking, I actually actively create it as myself in the present moment, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The decision: I decided to instead look at everything beneficial and self-strengthening I had done and am doing for and as myself since my last check in on this point. All of a sudden, I began to see so many things, so many decisions I had made that I had seen through to completion, so many times I placed myself in situations where I had to face an authority figure, and had stood up and voiced myself, so many moments of self-support that I had lived. It was like all these moments and remembrances began to come to me and collect inside of me like giant, solid pieces of myself that I was seeing for the first time, filling all the holes and gaps in the mountain I had seen myself as, strengthening it to the point where there were no longer any weak spots that could be targeted. In this moment, a confidence and stability began to easily replace the insecurity, weakness and inferiority I had been feeling moments before.

The new script: My experience of myself changed from uncomfortable and wanting to leave the room, to comfortable, confident and understanding. I was taken aback at how I had overlooked so many aspects of myself, not appreciated the things I had done for and as myself over the past years, and instead had only focused on my challenges and weaknesses. I was able to now focus on the information being shared as support for how to handle people that resonate authority and superiority.
 How they in fact are also stuck in these points and almost require to dominate over others in order to feel secure within themselves, which is a shame and can sometimes only be endured and tolerated by others until the individual walks the point back to an equality, within themselves and with others.





I have personally lived both ends of this polarity, but am now equipped with the understanding to simply see right through it as I practice my living stability as an equal member of the group called life.

In the end, as I was writing this I began to remember more moments of change, expansion and growth which came flooding into my mind from these past months and years. But the truth and reality is that it still isn’t nearly enough. I see that I could be so much more directive within it, making it a point and directed effort to continue to push daily moments of change. It takes no extra effort, in fact, it is more effortful to hold up and maintain past patterns and limitations – that takes energy, exertion, arguing, reacting, cycling. Rather live unbound, in the moment, courageously walking into the unknown with moment by moment change.

My road to change began here: www.desteni.org. Where will you begin yours?

Day 24- I'm Not Worthy?

     The point I am looking at is self-worth, specifically, not feeling important enough or good enough for another, but rather, defining my self-worth into and as another instead of standing within my self-worth. Specifying more- I saw that I give my power away to another by calling it ‘trust’ in another, when really it is/was abdication of my self-responsibility to stand within my self-worth, by making it the job of another. I also want to touch on taking the actions of another personally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as ‘not important enough’ for another, in a relationship, wherein I feel I don’t have enough to offer as who I am, but need to ‘do more’ and ‘be more’ in order to have the other consider me as worthy of being with/spending time with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and/or perceive that I don’t have ‘enough to offer’ in a relationship with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I need to ‘do more’ in order to compensate for the self-created belief that ‘I am not enough’ as who I am in a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I need to ‘be more’ in a relationship, as a reaction to the self-created perception/belief that I am not enough for another to be with or spend time with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look to another to consider me ‘worthy’ by judging their actions and words towards me wherein I look for indicators of my worthiness, instead of standing within my worth by not accepting or allowing the thoughts, ideas, perceptions and beliefs about me not being enough, doing enough or being worthy enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for, seek and search out indicators or signe of my worthiness within the actions and words of another, instead of accepting myself as worthy within self-responsibility as a statement of Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire perception, definition and belief of myself as unworthy through, over the years and through relationships, abdicating my self-worth to others, wherein I would never find it because it can only ever come from me, so instead of standing within my self-worth, I constantly looked for it within my relationships, and in never finding it, confirmed to myself that it is/was simply ‘not there,’ instead of realizing that I am self-worth, I am worthy of me, and I am enough- and I accept that as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the perception, belief and definition of myself as not important enough and not good enough, by defining my importance outside of myself, in relationships, wherein I would not nor will ever find it because it is simply not there, it is and has always been right Here, within myself as a human being, equal to and one with all other humans beings as who I am, as who we all are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unimportant, and to confirm that feeling through looking for my self-definition within relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I’m not good enough, and to confirm it over and over again by defining myself within relationships.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand within self-worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself abdicate my self-worth to another, and then to deceive myself by calling it trust, as I have trusted another with my self-worth, which is essentially giving my power away to another, and giving them the responsibility to not hurt me and ‘make me worthy’, which is just the experience of worthiness, and not actual living worth, which only I can gift to me and live for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to another by defining myself within and as them/the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing another to hurt me because I have defined myself within and as them, and within and as my relationship with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that another can hurt me/wrong me or intentionally cause me emotional pain, instead of realizing that the other is only deceiving themselves, which has nothing to do with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the actions of another personally, as if it is all about me, instead of considering that each is in their own process, and I can only be responsible for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as emotional pain and jealousy, instead of standing up as Who I am, thus gifting myself back to me within self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that my relationship is all about me, instead of considering my partner equally, and standing with him/as him as an equal being who supports myself, and as a result, supports him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can be victimized or abused emotionally, instead of realizing that I can only victimize and abuse myself within and through separation, by placing my self-definition outside of me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my emotional energetic experiences by not participating within and as them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be the victim and the abused as blame, wherein I blame another for apparently causing me to feel a certain way, instead of looking within myself in self-honesty, to see the starting point of my reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt by another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being important enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being good enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my partner leaving me.

I see, realize and understand that I fear not being important enough, not being good enough, and being hurt, because these things exist within me already, wherein I have already defined myself as not good enough and not important enough, and I know that, thus the fear exists that I will have to face that, which I did/do because of the actions of another, thus creating the experience of hurt, which I can bring back to myself and see that I have hurt myself by defining myself as unworthy, unimportant, and not good enough- when, in fact, obviously I am.

When and as I see myself participating in the voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough, not important enough and unworthy, I STOP, and I BREATHE. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that I am responsible for me- not another, and not my relationship, but ME, and I remind myself that I accept me, I allow myself to stand within self-worth, I am the most important being as I am all I have in this life, and…

I commit myself to myself and my process of self, wherein I commit me to gifting me back to myself in my entirety.

I commit myself to taking myself back from relationships, and creating a self-relationship of self-support and self-equality.

I commit myself to STOP defining myself within relationships outside of myself.

I commit myself to stand within self-worth, no matter what happens within my relationship.

Day 13- Secret Thoughts From My Evil Mind

          One of the most empowering things I have learned through studying DIP is the fact that nothing we feel is a result of anybody else’s doing but our own, and nothing we judge has anything to do with whom we are judging, rather, it has very much to do with what we are avoiding in ourselves. These realizations saved me today as I walked a shaky path of overwhelming reactions.

It is my time of the month, so to speak, so I’m emotional, angry, insecure, crabby, and all those fun things. It still catches me off guard sometimes when I get like this, but then I realize ‘oh ya, it’s just my period.’ However, one’s menstrual cycle does not magically manifest insecurity, resentment, anger and all those things. They are already existent within, and for me, it is a monthly occurrence that they tend to once in a while, knock me off my feet.

Today I went into these kinds of reactions, wherein at one point all I could do was close my eyes and breathe until I calmed me down. I couldn’t speak self-forgiveness out loud because I was in the car with someone and they would probably think I was crazy. But I have, in moments, spoken self-forgiveness out loud during a reaction and it was amazing the way I could literally pull myself up and out of the reaction and back into full control of myself and my day.

Anyways, I will write out the main point from today, which was backchat, so that I may get a grip.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have secret mind thoughts about another being in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my true self to emerge in sneaky and secretive ways in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeat patterns of abuse wherein I blame another for my own lack of self-responsibility and inability to face myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use blame towards another for me not being able to do what I want, when I see, realize and understand that the point is fear of confrontation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what another may think about me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reflect my own self-judgment off of other beings in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another instead of looking at myself and what I’m not facing within me, because the only judgment is self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel resentful towards another being because I have used blame for things that I am responsible for but abdicated to that person, thus giving my power away to him/her and then resenting him/her for it, instead of taking responsibility for myself and taking my power back.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as resentment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe blame is real, implying that someone else can have an actual influence in my internal experience of myself, instead of realizing it’s all me, and instead of taking the actions I need to take in order to deal with and face my true self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge another’s appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on the picture presentation of other beings instead of valuing them for who they are as life, equal and one with me and with all that’s here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become insecure around another because of the self-judgment I exist within and as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear placing everything and all of me on the line in every moment, due to fear and fear of judgment, and then blaming and resenting another for it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become enslaved by fear and fear of judgment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to accept myself in every moment.

When and as I see that I am participating in secret mind thoughts about another, I immediately STOP, and breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that backchat is an act of abdication of self-responsibility and is therefore abusive and diminishing to myself and the other. I take note of that which I am backchatting about so that I may look for where it is in myself in order to write it out and forgive it.