Day 140- Assertiveness as Steadfastness as Breath (pt 4)

In this blog, I will be purifying and then redefining the word ‘Steadfastness’, in my previous three posts ( read them here: 1, 2, 3), I have done so with the word ‘assertiveness’. I am doing this so that I remove my relationship to the word, the relationship I have created with/towards the word, within which I would seek to experience the word as an experience, rather than actually living the word in my daily breath to breath application of myself as Who I Am.
For example, if I have connected a positive connotation to the word ‘steadfastness’, then I would chase that positive feeling in an attempt to be steadfast, when steadfastness, by its very definition, implies a dutiful consistency regardless of one’s emotional or feeling state. So could I call myself steadfast if I only lived steadfastness in bits and spurts when I was feeling ‘positive,’ ‘motivated,’ or ‘up to it’, wherein, as soon as I fall into a slump of some sort I fall back to old habits? No, obviously not. That is not a living word; that is rather an internal experience based on energy, labeled by a word, which is thus then subject to energy with no consistency, and which can therefore not be trusted. In order for ‘steadfast’ to become a living word as me, it is necessary to learn how to live the word practically. It is necessary to practice being consistent through all the ups and downs I may experience as I stabilize myself, in order to prove to myself that I Am Steadfastness, consistently, until I can trust myself as ‘steadfastness' in each breath, as breath.
First I will write self-forgiveness statements to expose and debunk the definition I currently hold of the word steadfast, so that I can redefine it from a clear starting point, in a practical way that I can actually apply in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfast’ with a positive charge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word ‘steadfastness’ as good/positive/right.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ by charging the word ‘steadfastness’ with a positive charge, and judging the word ‘steadfastness’ as good/right/positive in separation of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfastness’ with the image of an older ‘successful’ male.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the image of an older, successful male.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the image of an older, ‘successful’ male, by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the image of an older ‘successful’ male, in separation of myself.
Obviously, as a woman, I can never be an ‘older, successful male’. However, it is my relationship to the image in my mind, as that which it represents to me, that I am not allowing myself to be, by separating myself from it by creating an image of it in my mind, as if only ‘older, successful males’ are able to embody the word ‘steadfastness’- thus never actually accepting and allowing myself to fully live the word myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word steadfast to the word ‘sturdy’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘sturdy;.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘sturdy’ by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘sturdy’ in separation of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfastness’ with the word ‘strong’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘strong’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘strong’, by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘strong’ in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word steadfast with the word consistent,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word steadfast within the word consistent,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘consistent’ by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘consistent’ in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfast’ to the image of a big tree..
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfast’ within the image of a big tree.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfast’ and from a big tree, by defining the word ‘steadfast’ within the image of a big tree in separation f myself.

Dictionary definition:
Resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering: "steadfast loyalty".
Sounding out the word::
inSTEAD of FASTNESS
New Definition:
Moving with the physical, resolutely and dutifully firm and unwavering breath by breath self-movement with and as the physical. Not becoming swept away by the racing mind, not participating in the energetic forces that occupy one and pull one into the mad rush, the daily rush; the daily race that is the human race; the rat race.
Remaining Here, present and aware, consistently and steadily, bringing self back Here every time, no matter what. Letting go of the want/need/desire to get ‘there’ and to be ‘there’ instead of slowing down to the nearly standstill eternity of Here.

 

 

Day 98- Pain Subsiding

This is a continuation from days 96 and 97, wherein I am writting through the pain I recently experienced, which is still somewhat here, with the support from this article, excerpts of which are written in italics.

Anxiety Strain Fear Uncertainty Judgment Resistance

 

“Also, I suggest to have a look where and with whom, specifically within your world, you are still accepting / allowing you to react to, specifically related to the words mentioned above and apply self forgiveness accordingly. With each person you look at the following questions:

Why am I reacting towards this being? What do they represent to which I am reacting? What within them have I not yet accepted within me? What within them do I react to which I have not yet dealt with within me?

And so you answer the questions for yourself and apply self forgiveness. Then, you 'test' your self forgiveness application in their presence. If you still react, the self forgiveness is not specific and direct enough. And so you continue until you no longer react to human beings when you're in their presence.

Realize that they are you assisting and supporting you to show you where specific self application is still required.”

 “

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anxiety towards a being because I have equated this person to my effectiveness, yet this person, as all people, reflect back to me all the ways in which I am not yet effective, thus, each and every person will show me/give me opportunities to see myself and that which I have not yet faced/dealt with, so that I may do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in strain towards a being because I believe/perceive that I am responsible for this person’s process and self-realization, instead of realizing that each one can only do so for self within and as self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as fear towards a being due to my participation in my secret mind which I fear being exposed/called out/held responsible for, instead of taking self-responsibility to stop the thoughts that are not equal and one with life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as uncertainty toward a being because there is so much that I would like to express and ask but I haven’t yet because I’ve been waiting for the ‘right time’, only to realize there might not be a ‘right time’ for certain things, while other things require patience as well as diligence and a commitment to myself to sort out within my relationship to this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as judgment to/towards a being, instead of speaking common sense in the opportune moments, and/or bringing the judgment back to self when necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as resistance to a being when and as I feel fear to speak up for myself because of the possibility of conflict, instead of taking a moment to stop, and breathe and speak from a starting point of oneness and equality as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards a being because they represent the belief I hold that change is not possible, it’s too hard and I am unable to be the diligence, commitment and patience I require to be with/for myself within this process of self-change, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that throughout this entire process, all I have ever done is constantly and continuously proven to myself that change IS possible, but that it is not instant, it requires building myself up as the patience, diligence and to stand within and as the commitments I make to/for/with myself, which is also a process, and one that I am willing to walk.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because they represent my former ideologies that this world is doomed, humanity is doomed and there is no point to our existence, and if anyone tries to fool me into believing there is a point and that humanity is not doomed, then I would react within anger and disbelief, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Life is the point of Life, and I will only ever view it as ‘doomed’ so long as I view myself as ‘doomed’- and that I will only view myself as ‘doomed’ if I know I will never challenge myself to change, and within this, seeing/realizing/understanding that I in fact have challenged myself to look at my human nature and change it, and have only shown myself that change is possible, and another way of Life is possible, and that each one only ever ‘dooms’ oneself by existing within and as the limitations of beLIEfs without ever actually moving self to prove to oneself what is ACTUALLY possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because I see that person living out the same patterns over and over without taking a step back and looking at themselves and what they are doing/not doing to perpetuate seemingly endless cycles of self-abuse, instead of looking at myself and seeing where I need to take a step back in order to see where I am still participating in seemingly endless cycles of self-abuse, and then calling myself out, stopping, and changing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a being because the being is representing the life I used to live, wherein I identified with certain things and believed they were Life, that they were ‘really living’, wherein, now I see differently, and I see within my reaction to this being that I still have not let go of the value and importance I have placed on certain things from my ‘old life’- things which never got me anywhere, which were self-destructive and which were but a distraction keeping me from facing myself  in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the belief that drinking, partying and going out to bars and getting wasted are ‘what living is all about’, because I see, realize and understand that these things never got me anywhere, were only ever self-destructive, and were but a distraction keeping me from facing myself Here. Self-expression, enjoyment and REAL living DO NOT require alcohol, in fact, drinking alcohol and getting drunk are the opposite of living as it is the manifestation of self-defeat.

 

 

Day 65- Postponement Character (Self-forgiveness continued)

This is a continuation from my previous blogs: Day 63- Postponement Character, where I describe the character I play, and the effect it has on me and in my life., as postponement, procrastination and the internal battles and resistance it creates. And Day 64- Postponement Character (self-forgiveness). Here I continue writing out self-forgiveness statements in order to rid myself of this pattern using the Desteni writing tools. They are effective and they work and that is why I continue with this process.

Self-Forgiveness on the 'voice in the head' that I allow to create postponement

(quick review)

Step 1) Idetifying the thoughts:

" the thoughts I have noticed with regards to becoming possessed by the postponement character, are things such as little flashes of, for example, Hotmail or facebook, like I should really go on those sites right away! Or I’ll see flashed of people I want to hear from, along with how they make me feel. I’ve seen myself do a ‘quick scan’ of my life, to remind myself of all the loose ends that need to be tended to, and then they all of a sudden become pressing issues. "

Step 2) Back Chat/inner voice

The inner voice associated with these thoughts, I can identify as: “I have so much to keep up on online” (overwhelmed), “this is such boring work, I’d rather be on facebook/Hotmail reading interesting/relevant things instead” (big waves of irritation/boredom/impatience). “I need to find a better job/I should do laundry/sign up for classes/decide where I’m going to live...” (anxiety). Within all this, I become easily distracted and lose my focus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create backchat from the initial thought(s) I participate within and as when I’m about to begin a project which I use to sabotage myself and talk myself out of doing the project.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing backchat such as “this is boring” “I should be doing something else more important” “this can wait till later” I’d rather be doing something else” “I have so many other pressing things to do right now” “this is soo much/too much” and “I have too much to keep up on” to exist within and as me, which I use to sabotage myself and talk myself out of standing up and taking actual steps towards completion of a task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the task at hand with negative energy, wherein when I think about it I create a resistance within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge activities within which I push myself, or activities that help me expand, grow and/or change with particularly strong negative energy, wherein I experience a very strong resistance to the task. Within this,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek the polarity opposite experience-positivity- which I, as my mind, connects to all the other things I suddenly define as ‘pressing’ ‘urgent’ and more important matters’ than the task I originally set out to do, wherein I experience myself as positive, fearful and excited when I bail on the task, because I feel like I ‘dodged a bullet’ or ‘got out of work’ somehow, without considering the fact that I’m actually only screwing myself, cheating/tricking/fooling myself with energetic experiences that I accept and allow to direct me instead of me directing myself Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as positive/negative feeling experiences, by accepting and allowing myself to charge the thoughts of the tasks at hand with positive/negative energy in my mind, instead of simply using my mind as only a practical tool to organize what I have to do and when, and not adding all sorts of un-needed dimensions of relationships and reactions to that which I intend on doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create backchat in my mind about a task, to believe the backchat and participate within and as it until I become the actual manifestation of the backchat, and effectively postpone the task I set out to do.

The truth is- if I did everything right away or when I planned on doing it, I would have time to do all this stuff that stresses me out and preoccupies me. This postponement character perpetuates itself, because when I have a task to do, it is easier to trigger this character because of all the other stuff in life that I have put off. It all comes rushing to the fore, strategically and conveniently as the mind switches over from motivated to ‘lock-down’ where all I want to do is other things instead of the one thing I have set myself up to do

Self-commitment statements to come....