The Miser in Me: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

Holding On

The Miser in Me

"This woman has created a fortress around herself, and she is clinging to all the possessions she thinks are her treasures. In fact she has accumulated so much stuff with which to adorn herself--including the feathers and furs of living creatures--that she has made herself ugly in the effort.
This card challenges us to look at what we are clinging to, and what we feel we possess that is so valuable it needs to be protected by a fortress. It needn't be a big bank balance or a box full of jewels--it could be something as simple as sharing our time with a friend, or taking the risk of expressing our love to another. Like a well that is sealed up and becomes stagnant from disuse, our treasures become tarnished and worthless if we refuse to share them. Whatever you're holding on to, remember that you can't take it with you. Loosen your grip and feel the freedom and expansiveness sharing can bring."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cling to parts of myself due to fear of judgment and reactions because of feeling that I am doing something wrong, being wrong, breaking some rules because I have not yet stood as the self-authority within myself to express and be and not fall to my mind when I have thoughts like "that is really stupid and dumb/not normal/not cool/that shows I am being influenced/that shows I am attempting to manipulate/that shows I am trying to be someone or something that I am not/ that shows weakness/lacking clarity/haven't cleared my starting point" etc... questioning what I am doing/saying/how I am being to the extent where it becomes impossible to just do and be as a learning, an expressing, a seeing, or an unfolding.

I commit myself to, when and as I am about to do or say something but am held back by a thought or an emotional experience, to take a breath and a moment to assert myself, my 'why', and continue to do the thing so that I can see me, show me to, as and for myself.

I commit myself to continue to create my self-agreement, where I decide in awareness what I will accept and allow within and towards myself and what not.

21 Days of Osho Card Readings, 'Turning In' - Day 7 of 21

"The woman in this image has a faint smile on her face. In fact she is just watching the antics of the mind--not judging, not trying to stop them, not identified, just watching as if they were traffic on the road, or ripples on the surface of a pond. And the antics of the mind are slightly amusing, as it jumps up and down and twists this way and that, trying to get your attention and seduce you into the game. To develop the knack of taking a distance from the mind is one of the greatest blessings. It is what meditation is all about really--not chanting a mantra, or repeating an affirmation, but just watching, as if the mind belongs to somebody else. You are ready to take this distance now, and to watch the show without getting caught up in the drama. Indulge yourself in the simple freedom of Turning In whenever you can, and the knack of meditation will grow and deepen in you."

  I like to take this concept of objectively watching the mind, and push myself to apply it in all moments, not only special moments such as meditation. For me, how I can apply this card in my life and what it can support with right now, is a 'turning in' while I am busy walking through all the activities and events throughout my day.

This card is a good reminder to, every now and again, take a moment with my breath and ground myself, like a micro-meditation. To pull myself out of whatever mind participation I am busy with, and come back into my body with my feet firmly planted on the ground. This would be like a moment where I do a 'turning in' as a self check, and then I continue with what I am doing so that I can take this self-awareness with me into the task at hand.

Another supportive living expression of this 'turning in' for me can be applied as I integrate doing more of what I love into my day. It has become a new point that I am walking, to do more of the hobbies and activities that I enjoy, or to try out and discover new ones. Even just things I have intended to do in the past but never got around to, never made the time, or never made it a priority. This is the point or intention I was holding within me as I pulled my card today, as I asked for support on how to effectively integrate this new process into my life. 'Turning in' in this way would be to stop, to take a look at what my interests are, and then bringing myself here, fully present while I take the steps to make the time and do them, despite the reasons, justifications and excuses my mind may throw at me to procrastinate or not even do it at all!

 So far I have included spending time with animals, morning yoga, drinking tea, going for walks, growing plants and brewing kombucha (a fermented tea). I would like to keep up these activities and bring in a few more so that my life is not only about working and resting, but more of a fluid motion where I move from those tasks, responsibilities and obligations that I must do, to those activities that I enjoy, to moments of physical exertion and moments of rest, all depending on what is appropriate in the moment.

The important point I want to bring through with 'turning in', is to really make the moment about me, about Who I Am in that moment. Am I rushing around in my mind, trying to get things done as fast as possible, or am I really Here, enjoying the moment, not being seduced into the "ups and downs, twists and turns" of my mind. This way, I will be more Here, be more Myself, get to know myself more and be more present with those around me.

Even in this present moment, I took a moment to 'turn in' once I understood the meaning and my own interpretation of the card. Writing can also be 'meditative' in that it can assist and support one to clear one's mind, ground oneself here, and take a moment to understand, define, find solutions or share a moment in one's life.

Day 140- Assertiveness as Steadfastness as Breath (pt 4)

In this blog, I will be purifying and then redefining the word ‘Steadfastness’, in my previous three posts ( read them here: 1, 2, 3), I have done so with the word ‘assertiveness’. I am doing this so that I remove my relationship to the word, the relationship I have created with/towards the word, within which I would seek to experience the word as an experience, rather than actually living the word in my daily breath to breath application of myself as Who I Am.
For example, if I have connected a positive connotation to the word ‘steadfastness’, then I would chase that positive feeling in an attempt to be steadfast, when steadfastness, by its very definition, implies a dutiful consistency regardless of one’s emotional or feeling state. So could I call myself steadfast if I only lived steadfastness in bits and spurts when I was feeling ‘positive,’ ‘motivated,’ or ‘up to it’, wherein, as soon as I fall into a slump of some sort I fall back to old habits? No, obviously not. That is not a living word; that is rather an internal experience based on energy, labeled by a word, which is thus then subject to energy with no consistency, and which can therefore not be trusted. In order for ‘steadfast’ to become a living word as me, it is necessary to learn how to live the word practically. It is necessary to practice being consistent through all the ups and downs I may experience as I stabilize myself, in order to prove to myself that I Am Steadfastness, consistently, until I can trust myself as ‘steadfastness' in each breath, as breath.
First I will write self-forgiveness statements to expose and debunk the definition I currently hold of the word steadfast, so that I can redefine it from a clear starting point, in a practical way that I can actually apply in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfast’ with a positive charge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word ‘steadfastness’ as good/positive/right.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ by charging the word ‘steadfastness’ with a positive charge, and judging the word ‘steadfastness’ as good/right/positive in separation of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfastness’ with the image of an older ‘successful’ male.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the image of an older, successful male.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the image of an older, ‘successful’ male, by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the image of an older ‘successful’ male, in separation of myself.
Obviously, as a woman, I can never be an ‘older, successful male’. However, it is my relationship to the image in my mind, as that which it represents to me, that I am not allowing myself to be, by separating myself from it by creating an image of it in my mind, as if only ‘older, successful males’ are able to embody the word ‘steadfastness’- thus never actually accepting and allowing myself to fully live the word myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word steadfast to the word ‘sturdy’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘sturdy;.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘sturdy’ by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘sturdy’ in separation of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfastness’ with the word ‘strong’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘strong’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘strong’, by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘strong’ in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word steadfast with the word consistent,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word steadfast within the word consistent,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘consistent’ by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘consistent’ in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfast’ to the image of a big tree..
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfast’ within the image of a big tree.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfast’ and from a big tree, by defining the word ‘steadfast’ within the image of a big tree in separation f myself.

Dictionary definition:
Resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering: "steadfast loyalty".
Sounding out the word::
inSTEAD of FASTNESS
New Definition:
Moving with the physical, resolutely and dutifully firm and unwavering breath by breath self-movement with and as the physical. Not becoming swept away by the racing mind, not participating in the energetic forces that occupy one and pull one into the mad rush, the daily rush; the daily race that is the human race; the rat race.
Remaining Here, present and aware, consistently and steadily, bringing self back Here every time, no matter what. Letting go of the want/need/desire to get ‘there’ and to be ‘there’ instead of slowing down to the nearly standstill eternity of Here.