Day 260 - Chasing Life Instead of Living Life – the WHY

I was asked recently to picture my perfect life, to explore the projection I have been holding onto and chasing instead of living fully present here where I am, getting to know exactly who I am right here and now, exploring and embracing all of me here. And so I pictured it in heavenly tones of whites and pearls and light greys and pinks, where I am fit, in my yoga clothes and practicing regularly, I am happy and content with myself and my body, at ease within myself. I have a well-behaved baby and dog, a perfect life partner that I communicate easily and openly with, where we support each other without any obstacles or difficulty. We have a nice house and no money worries. I am on top of organizing my life and meeting all of my needs and the needs of those around me without stress or challenge. And my house is spotless… unlike my current living situation!

And that is the rub – my current situation is not so perfect and nice, in fact, most days are filled with more difficulty, with parts of myself feeling almost like a living inner-hell when I try to confront them. I have body pains and self-image issues, I find it hard to open up and express myself and be absolutely vulnerable with my partner, I have trouble with consistency and organization, even keeping my room clean is sometimes challenging! I get stressed out, lost in my own emotions, migraines, money stress, addictions, bad habits, bad days and so much more! Yet I can so easily distract myself with my perfect projection of my perfect life that I hope will happen some day if I keep chasing it, or when things sometimes work out or are easy. I can suppress the difficult and challenging things and focus only on these fleeting moments of ease as a distraction from my actual reality.

And this is why we project and chase our perfect, ideal lives and version of ourselves in fantasies and future projections: because it is easier to do that than to actually confront and CHANGE the negative, hard, difficult and challenging moments that happen every day, right here and right now in moment-to-moment life and living. We would rather spend our time and generate positive feelings within ourselves by thinking about what an imagined future will be like, one we can visit in tough times and rough moments, but the thing is, we will never take one step towards creating it if we don’t accept and embrace the reality of ourselves right here and now.

My perfect life may not be attainable or realistic, but it serves as a guide post for what to aim for as I face my own living hell in the here and now. I can create elements of it, with the understanding that life is always going to present me with challenges and difficulties. I know I have the potential to create a much better version of myself, which is why the projection feels so real, but I can only create it in the present moment, and I can only do it by changing the parts of me that are less than my best, and that is not going to feel good or easy, and that is what I have been avoiding. I’ve been chasing my projected life instead of facing all parts of me here, the good and the bad.

In those moments where I judge my body and then eat to feel better; it’s not going to be easy to instead face the judgment and maintain my self-discipline to achieve my goal of a healthy, balanced body and body image. The moments I keep quiet when I want to speak up will be filled with fears and anxieties to walk through as I voice myself. When I push myself to be vulnerable, that panicked feeling of exposure will be there for a while at first, and it is not a pleasant experience! Learning structure, organization and putting in the effort to keep my room clean and organized will require walking a learning process and moving through physical resistances, which in my experience feels like walking through quicksand that keeps sucking me in to overwhelm or apathy.

So, in order to live life instead of chasing life, I am going to have to explore my difficulties – those things that have held me back from being and becoming my utmost potential. Avoiding and suppressing them will only lead to a disappointing and regretful life, with only the illusion of some fabulous life out there for me to fantasize about when I am feeling down. 

Exploring my difficulties will mean actually really feeling them within me, getting to know them, learning all about them so that when they come up I will be aware of them, I will walk through them and go through the pain and the momentary turmoil, with my understanding of how I can be better and what kind of a life that will lead to standing as my path or blueprint throughout the process.

I may not be able to create the perfect life, but I know I can be better. I want to see what I am actually capable of being and becoming, but this will involve facing myself as I am now, accepting and embracing the worst of me, really sinking into it, feeling it, and seeing who and what I really am and am living right now.

This blog is a continuation of ‘Day 257 - ChasingLife Instead of Living Life’

The EQAFE recordings that supported me as I walk this experience are:

Connecting to the Best of You 

"We all know what the ideal life for us would be like, but seldom does that ideal life match the life we are actually living. Could the perfect life be an illusion that will forever be beyond our reach, or is there something about the way we have been approaching our living that is keeping us from manifesting the life of our dreams?"

and

The Best of You Through the Worst of You

"On the road to creating the best version of ourselves, the last thing we want to do is having to face the worst version of ourselves first. But what do we end up losing out on when we settle for instant gratification and comfort zones instead of long term fulfillment and facing our resistances?"

21 Days of Osho Card Readings, 'Turning In' - Day 7 of 21

"The woman in this image has a faint smile on her face. In fact she is just watching the antics of the mind--not judging, not trying to stop them, not identified, just watching as if they were traffic on the road, or ripples on the surface of a pond. And the antics of the mind are slightly amusing, as it jumps up and down and twists this way and that, trying to get your attention and seduce you into the game. To develop the knack of taking a distance from the mind is one of the greatest blessings. It is what meditation is all about really--not chanting a mantra, or repeating an affirmation, but just watching, as if the mind belongs to somebody else. You are ready to take this distance now, and to watch the show without getting caught up in the drama. Indulge yourself in the simple freedom of Turning In whenever you can, and the knack of meditation will grow and deepen in you."

  I like to take this concept of objectively watching the mind, and push myself to apply it in all moments, not only special moments such as meditation. For me, how I can apply this card in my life and what it can support with right now, is a 'turning in' while I am busy walking through all the activities and events throughout my day.

This card is a good reminder to, every now and again, take a moment with my breath and ground myself, like a micro-meditation. To pull myself out of whatever mind participation I am busy with, and come back into my body with my feet firmly planted on the ground. This would be like a moment where I do a 'turning in' as a self check, and then I continue with what I am doing so that I can take this self-awareness with me into the task at hand.

Another supportive living expression of this 'turning in' for me can be applied as I integrate doing more of what I love into my day. It has become a new point that I am walking, to do more of the hobbies and activities that I enjoy, or to try out and discover new ones. Even just things I have intended to do in the past but never got around to, never made the time, or never made it a priority. This is the point or intention I was holding within me as I pulled my card today, as I asked for support on how to effectively integrate this new process into my life. 'Turning in' in this way would be to stop, to take a look at what my interests are, and then bringing myself here, fully present while I take the steps to make the time and do them, despite the reasons, justifications and excuses my mind may throw at me to procrastinate or not even do it at all!

 So far I have included spending time with animals, morning yoga, drinking tea, going for walks, growing plants and brewing kombucha (a fermented tea). I would like to keep up these activities and bring in a few more so that my life is not only about working and resting, but more of a fluid motion where I move from those tasks, responsibilities and obligations that I must do, to those activities that I enjoy, to moments of physical exertion and moments of rest, all depending on what is appropriate in the moment.

The important point I want to bring through with 'turning in', is to really make the moment about me, about Who I Am in that moment. Am I rushing around in my mind, trying to get things done as fast as possible, or am I really Here, enjoying the moment, not being seduced into the "ups and downs, twists and turns" of my mind. This way, I will be more Here, be more Myself, get to know myself more and be more present with those around me.

Even in this present moment, I took a moment to 'turn in' once I understood the meaning and my own interpretation of the card. Writing can also be 'meditative' in that it can assist and support one to clear one's mind, ground oneself here, and take a moment to understand, define, find solutions or share a moment in one's life.