Sibling Rivalry and the Efficacy of Vocabulary

 

Here Cesar is working on some stop-animation with his clay. He left all his characters on a table, and Celest managed to pull one down and break the tail. I was able to quickly retrieve it and prevent any more damage, but when Cesar saw the broken tail, he became very upset. 

The damage to the tail was an easy fix, but Cesar decided instead to destroy all his characters and start over. I found this reaction to be out of proportion to the situation, so I took a breath and looked deeper. 

I recalled the time we were going on a trip, and we forgot to pack Cesar's clay, as each had assumed the other had placed it in the truck. He again reacted very strongly, and I watched how Gian handled it. It is very easy for a parent to get frustrated and tell a child to just 'get over it' because it's not a big deal, and sometimes that is true, but oftentimes when we take the attitude to 'man-up' because "life is hard", we're only teaching children to suppress, which can lead to a lifetime of illness and disease, failed relationships and personal limitation. So Gian took the time to look a little deeper. He supported Cesar to put into words what was really going on - that it wasn't ONLY about forgetting the clay. For Cesar, it was about the implications of us forgetting.  Gian and I should know him, should have realized how important his clay is to him, and with that understanding, we should have MADE SURE and CERTAIN that the clay made it into the car - thus demonstrating and living our understanding of Who Cesar Is. And when we forgot it, for Cesar it was as if we had overlooked an important part of him, of how he would spend his time and how he would have fun while we were away, and it felt like we didn't know him (Cesar puts great care into ensuring we know who he is.

In the end, we asked forgiveness, which is a very important step - don't skip it - and we also explained to Cesar that his empowerment comes when he takes responsibility for his own things, so in the future he can take the step to ensure he has everything, even if that means reminding the adults to check as well. 

This recent incident was different though. Cesar HAD placed all his clay neatly in the middle of the table,  out of reach... but Celest has grown and her reach has expanded, and we had to find this out the hard way. 

When Cesar seemed inconsolable, I brought back the memory of how Gian had looked several layers deep, beyond the incident that played out in physical reality, and into the implications the child experiences, and I realized the point. I asked Cesar for forgiveness, and looked at the deeper layer. I realized that Cesar trusted me to look after his characters and take care of them while he is away from them for any period of time. If I fail to do this and don't communicate about it to him, it is as if I do not care, do not respect his projects, place less importance on his endeavours, and possibly place Celest's freedom of movement above protecting his creations (because now we have sibling dynamics to consider).

I reminded Cesar that Gian and I both respect and look after his belongings very much. Sometimes you have to remind a child of your proven track-record, because the negative experience can be blinding, where only the negative incidents are seen. I was not speaking empty words. I was reminding Cesar of Living Words such as Love, Respect and Consideration as consistent actions over time specifically when it came to taking care of his clay. The fact that we live these words in our relationship means that Celest WILL learn through us as examples to do the same. However she is still just a baby and does not yet understand things like 'mine' and 'yours'. I also reminded Cesar of when he cut up my expensive earphones with scissors when he was much younger, because toddlers do this kind of thing, and we have to move through it. We had a good laugh at that!

We finished by talking about the choice to 'linger in an emotional state or reaction' once all the points had been discussed and there was understanding and a way forward. It's true that some things do just suck, it's just a shitty situation - but how long do you hold on to that for? I showed Cesar that he now had a choice to remain sad, or to move himself towards having fun again. He admitted that sometimes he suppresses his smiles and laughter to remain sad, but that he would now let it go.

It's so cool when a child has a well-developped vocabulary and understanding, and you can actually get to the root of points as they arise. With setting this kind of foundation in children, we are giving them the tools, skills and abilities to "man-up" later in life when they do become grown Men and Women. They will be able to do it in a way where they don't simply push down and bury their feelings and emotions, but to actually work through them for themselves, because they've been given self-understanding and opportunities to take self-responsibility.

The tough part is that us adults were not necessarily given these tools (and neither were our parents, or theirs), so we have to do the self-work to cut through the reactions to the understanding. I use the Desteni tools for self-work and Techno Tutor for myself and the kids reading, comprehension and vocabulary development. My posts are the outflows of applying these tools. I post them to keep myself accountable, and to support others when similar situations arise in their own lives. 

Day 140- Assertiveness as Steadfastness as Breath (pt 4)

In this blog, I will be purifying and then redefining the word ‘Steadfastness’, in my previous three posts ( read them here: 1, 2, 3), I have done so with the word ‘assertiveness’. I am doing this so that I remove my relationship to the word, the relationship I have created with/towards the word, within which I would seek to experience the word as an experience, rather than actually living the word in my daily breath to breath application of myself as Who I Am.
For example, if I have connected a positive connotation to the word ‘steadfastness’, then I would chase that positive feeling in an attempt to be steadfast, when steadfastness, by its very definition, implies a dutiful consistency regardless of one’s emotional or feeling state. So could I call myself steadfast if I only lived steadfastness in bits and spurts when I was feeling ‘positive,’ ‘motivated,’ or ‘up to it’, wherein, as soon as I fall into a slump of some sort I fall back to old habits? No, obviously not. That is not a living word; that is rather an internal experience based on energy, labeled by a word, which is thus then subject to energy with no consistency, and which can therefore not be trusted. In order for ‘steadfast’ to become a living word as me, it is necessary to learn how to live the word practically. It is necessary to practice being consistent through all the ups and downs I may experience as I stabilize myself, in order to prove to myself that I Am Steadfastness, consistently, until I can trust myself as ‘steadfastness' in each breath, as breath.
First I will write self-forgiveness statements to expose and debunk the definition I currently hold of the word steadfast, so that I can redefine it from a clear starting point, in a practical way that I can actually apply in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfast’ with a positive charge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word ‘steadfastness’ as good/positive/right.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ by charging the word ‘steadfastness’ with a positive charge, and judging the word ‘steadfastness’ as good/right/positive in separation of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfastness’ with the image of an older ‘successful’ male.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the image of an older, successful male.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the image of an older, ‘successful’ male, by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the image of an older ‘successful’ male, in separation of myself.
Obviously, as a woman, I can never be an ‘older, successful male’. However, it is my relationship to the image in my mind, as that which it represents to me, that I am not allowing myself to be, by separating myself from it by creating an image of it in my mind, as if only ‘older, successful males’ are able to embody the word ‘steadfastness’- thus never actually accepting and allowing myself to fully live the word myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word steadfast to the word ‘sturdy’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘sturdy;.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘sturdy’ by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘sturdy’ in separation of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfastness’ with the word ‘strong’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘strong’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘strong’, by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘strong’ in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word steadfast with the word consistent,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word steadfast within the word consistent,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘consistent’ by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘consistent’ in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfast’ to the image of a big tree..
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfast’ within the image of a big tree.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfast’ and from a big tree, by defining the word ‘steadfast’ within the image of a big tree in separation f myself.

Dictionary definition:
Resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering: "steadfast loyalty".
Sounding out the word::
inSTEAD of FASTNESS
New Definition:
Moving with the physical, resolutely and dutifully firm and unwavering breath by breath self-movement with and as the physical. Not becoming swept away by the racing mind, not participating in the energetic forces that occupy one and pull one into the mad rush, the daily rush; the daily race that is the human race; the rat race.
Remaining Here, present and aware, consistently and steadily, bringing self back Here every time, no matter what. Letting go of the want/need/desire to get ‘there’ and to be ‘there’ instead of slowing down to the nearly standstill eternity of Here.

 

 

Day 138- Assertiveness and Steadfastness as Breath (pt 2)

For context as to why I am purifying and re-defining these word to living words, visit my previous blog: Day 137- Assertiveness as Steadfastness as Breath.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘assertiveness’ to the word ‘rude’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘assertiveness’ within the word ‘rude’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘assertiveness’ and from the word ‘rude’ by defining the word ‘assertiveness’ within the word ‘rude’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘assertiveness’ with the word ‘angry’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘assertiveness within the word ‘angry’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘assertiveness’ and from the word ‘angry’ by defining the word ‘assertiveness’ within the word ‘angry’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘assertiveness’ with the word ‘frustrated’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘assertiveess’ within the word ‘frustrating’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘assertiveness’ and from the word ‘annoying’ by defining the word ‘assertiveness’ within the word ‘annoying ‘ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘assertiveness’ with the word ‘aggressive’,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘assertiveness’ within the word ‘aggressive’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate the word ’assertiveness within the word ‘aggressive; in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to

fear assertive people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I can’t stand up to assertive people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that assertive people are trying to get or take something from me, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that they will in fact get or take it because I will not be able to stand up to them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that assertiveness serves only to gain something or to take something from another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thin/believe/perceive that assertiveness is the same as bullying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that assertiveness is used to push people to do something they would not otherwise to, in the self-interest of the assertive person;

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that assertiveness does not necessarily have to be used in self-interest to forward/advance/improve one’s own condition at the sake of another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as ‘not assertive’ because I think/believe/perceive assertiveness as an undesirable trait.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge people that I have defined as ‘assertive’ because I think they are trying to get something unfairly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see/realize/understand that assertiveness can actually be an effective tool for change and realization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to retract and recoil within myself in the presence of assertive people or in the face of assertiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I ‘m assertive because I think/believe/perceive that it causes others to retract and recoil within themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that assertiveness only ever takes place in self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself as assertiveness because I fear I will be taking advantage of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive assertiveness necessarily implies that others must submit.

I commit myself to asserting myself as the self that I am within, through fear and resistance and self-doubt of myself as the mind, until I am that self that stands, constant and stable in every breath.

I commit myself to stand in the face of assertiveness as equal and one as assertiveness as me, wherein I do not place myself as 'less-than' assertiveness or assertive people, but rather stand firm, stable, clear, as certain as who I am.

I commit myself to trust myself as assertiveness, and to not use assertiveness to abuse myself or others in any way whatsoever.

I commit myself to assert myself as an equal, not greater or less than anything or anyone.
 

When and as I see I am retracting or recoiling in the face of assertiveness, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to equal and one assertiveness by reminding myself that Who I Am is not decided by others manurisms and behaviours, and who others are is simply a result of who and how they have lived, which has nothing to do with me, only what I represent to them. Thus, equal and one communitcation is still possible, and if not, then not. It is a choice on both parts, and I, as equal and one as assertiveness, assert myself to be this/as this choice, by not closing myself off and putting up walls or becoming defensive. I remind myself that nothing of me can be taken by another, nothing can be diminished by another. Only I can take from me and diminish myself, and I stand clear and certain that I am stopping this now, and no longer accepting and allowing such self-abuse within me, as me.

Dictionary definition:

Assertive:
1) Inclined to bold or confident assertion; aggressively self-assured.
2) Confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views
3) Given to making assertions or bold demands; dogmatic or aggressive.
Sounding out the word:

Assertiveness

sounds like: A certain highness

I would say, the word makes the specific distinction that it is a ‘certain’ high-ness because it is specifying that we generally associate ‘high-ness’ with being better-than, or some kind of

comparison with others wherein there is judgment and a ‘winner’ and a ‘loser’. Like the word ‘highness’ as in ‘your highness, the king’, wherein the king’s life is somehow seen as more important and more valuable than the ‘commoners’ or the 'peasants’. Or 'get off your high horse', because one sees oneself as 'better than' others.... Nooooo. In my definition, the ‘high-ness’ is solely a comparison within self, as ‘who am I right now’ vs ‘who I would like to be’, ‘how have I limited myself’, vs ‘how will I now push ,my limits’, and ‘have I lived for myself only’ vs ‘have I lived in such a way that I will be leaving something worth living for for the generations o come’? So, it’s cool that the word ‘certain’ is in there because it important to make that distinction.
It's also cool that the word 'certain' is in there because there is a 'certainty' within assertiveness, wherein, one would have to be certain about what is abuse, what is alligned with the principle of equality and oneness, and what is necessary to be done in each moment. Without certainty, these things are not efficient and effective. Certainty is requireed to be assertive in an efficient and effective way.

New definition of 'assertiveness' that I can live:

Wherein one no longer accepts the limited self, enslaved by the thoughts, feelings, emotions, judgments, self-doubt, etc…. of the mind, but instead bases self on the physical reality that is Here, which is superior to the mind in every way. Wherein, in self-honesty, one elevates oneself with certainty to the ‘higher ground’ of no longer accepting abuse as the status quo, which is beneath us all,. Where one alligns oneneslf with certainty to the ‘higher cause’ of equality and oneness as life, above individuality and ego. And to recognize the absolute humility of doing so, of daring oneself to be ‘nothing’ for the sake of everything.

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