Sibling Rivalry and the Efficacy of Vocabulary

 

Here Cesar is working on some stop-animation with his clay. He left all his characters on a table, and Celest managed to pull one down and break the tail. I was able to quickly retrieve it and prevent any more damage, but when Cesar saw the broken tail, he became very upset. 

The damage to the tail was an easy fix, but Cesar decided instead to destroy all his characters and start over. I found this reaction to be out of proportion to the situation, so I took a breath and looked deeper. 

I recalled the time we were going on a trip, and we forgot to pack Cesar's clay, as each had assumed the other had placed it in the truck. He again reacted very strongly, and I watched how Gian handled it. It is very easy for a parent to get frustrated and tell a child to just 'get over it' because it's not a big deal, and sometimes that is true, but oftentimes when we take the attitude to 'man-up' because "life is hard", we're only teaching children to suppress, which can lead to a lifetime of illness and disease, failed relationships and personal limitation. So Gian took the time to look a little deeper. He supported Cesar to put into words what was really going on - that it wasn't ONLY about forgetting the clay. For Cesar, it was about the implications of us forgetting.  Gian and I should know him, should have realized how important his clay is to him, and with that understanding, we should have MADE SURE and CERTAIN that the clay made it into the car - thus demonstrating and living our understanding of Who Cesar Is. And when we forgot it, for Cesar it was as if we had overlooked an important part of him, of how he would spend his time and how he would have fun while we were away, and it felt like we didn't know him (Cesar puts great care into ensuring we know who he is.

In the end, we asked forgiveness, which is a very important step - don't skip it - and we also explained to Cesar that his empowerment comes when he takes responsibility for his own things, so in the future he can take the step to ensure he has everything, even if that means reminding the adults to check as well. 

This recent incident was different though. Cesar HAD placed all his clay neatly in the middle of the table,  out of reach... but Celest has grown and her reach has expanded, and we had to find this out the hard way. 

When Cesar seemed inconsolable, I brought back the memory of how Gian had looked several layers deep, beyond the incident that played out in physical reality, and into the implications the child experiences, and I realized the point. I asked Cesar for forgiveness, and looked at the deeper layer. I realized that Cesar trusted me to look after his characters and take care of them while he is away from them for any period of time. If I fail to do this and don't communicate about it to him, it is as if I do not care, do not respect his projects, place less importance on his endeavours, and possibly place Celest's freedom of movement above protecting his creations (because now we have sibling dynamics to consider).

I reminded Cesar that Gian and I both respect and look after his belongings very much. Sometimes you have to remind a child of your proven track-record, because the negative experience can be blinding, where only the negative incidents are seen. I was not speaking empty words. I was reminding Cesar of Living Words such as Love, Respect and Consideration as consistent actions over time specifically when it came to taking care of his clay. The fact that we live these words in our relationship means that Celest WILL learn through us as examples to do the same. However she is still just a baby and does not yet understand things like 'mine' and 'yours'. I also reminded Cesar of when he cut up my expensive earphones with scissors when he was much younger, because toddlers do this kind of thing, and we have to move through it. We had a good laugh at that!

We finished by talking about the choice to 'linger in an emotional state or reaction' once all the points had been discussed and there was understanding and a way forward. It's true that some things do just suck, it's just a shitty situation - but how long do you hold on to that for? I showed Cesar that he now had a choice to remain sad, or to move himself towards having fun again. He admitted that sometimes he suppresses his smiles and laughter to remain sad, but that he would now let it go.

It's so cool when a child has a well-developped vocabulary and understanding, and you can actually get to the root of points as they arise. With setting this kind of foundation in children, we are giving them the tools, skills and abilities to "man-up" later in life when they do become grown Men and Women. They will be able to do it in a way where they don't simply push down and bury their feelings and emotions, but to actually work through them for themselves, because they've been given self-understanding and opportunities to take self-responsibility.

The tough part is that us adults were not necessarily given these tools (and neither were our parents, or theirs), so we have to do the self-work to cut through the reactions to the understanding. I use the Desteni tools for self-work and Techno Tutor for myself and the kids reading, comprehension and vocabulary development. My posts are the outflows of applying these tools. I post them to keep myself accountable, and to support others when similar situations arise in their own lives. 

Daily Walk and Share: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

Farmies daily walk and share.

I recommend everyone take 20-30 minutes to just walk and talk with those in their lives. You can link it to something else you do daily, like after dinner and dishes for example. For us it is when we tend to the horses in the afternoon, we give them 20-30 minutes in their stables to eat. While they eat, we walk, while we walk, we talk.

It doesn't have to be anything grand or spectacular. But just creating this moment to connect to those that share your environment, in between the business and chaos, for me has been very grounding and beneficial for mind and body.

Recommended EQAFE recording:

Perspective Versus Interpretation (Part 2) -Reptilians - Part 566

"Are you breaking yourself and others down, or are you building yourself and others up? Do you hold grudges against yourself and others or do you focus on how you can learn and grow?

In this interview Anu opens up some deeper dimensions of how we break ourselves and others down and get lost in projection, judgment and negativity instead of looking at responsibility and what it means to really support ourselves and each other."

Is My Child Abusing Me?

I was the one that asked the question in the Parenting for Life video “Is My Child Abusing Me?”, and this is my blog about my experience with the child, and after hearing the support shared in the video, and how this support empowered me to open my eyes to a pattern that had been playing out in my life for decades.

I was minding Cesar for a couple of hours one day, and one of my challenges in spending time with him is that I become bored with his games which can be very repetitive. When he decided he wanted to play on the swing set, I though that was great, because it was less boring and so something I could enjoy too. After some time swinging, Cesar started to feel heavy. I was giving it everything I had to keep him on my lap, hold onto the swing and swing higher and higher per his demands. My body was becoming uncomfortable, my muscles ached, and I was finding it more and more difficult to ensure he would not fall off as he was twisting and squirming on my lap. I kept telling myself that his safety was the most important thing, and ignored my aches and pains like ‘a good woman’, sacrificing myself for the child, so he could enjoy the swing, so I could keep him occupied with it or else I would have to play something else. And in that moment, he hits me.

“This child is abusing me” – is the first thought that came up within me, which I judged as absolutely ridiculous and brushed it off. But the point stayed with me so I decided to bring it up with his mom, Leila. I live in a communal environment called the Desteni Farm with Leila and quite a few others, where we share common spaces and live according to a set of agreed upon principles. Some of those principles cover a commitment to apply self-awareness and self-responsibility, as well as to support self and others to become our best. Each one committing to these principles creates a community of mutual support, openness, communication and trust (see my post here about my experience with this community)

Within the principle of self-awareness, I decided to not sweep my reaction under the rug, but instead bring it up and look at what was really going on, what was the deeper issue here? Within the principle of giving as you would like to receive, I shared the moment with Leila, knowing she could support me to see the bigger picture, and thus support me to live the principle of self-responsibility (wherein I take complete responsibility for my reactions so that I can change accordingly to living the principle of ‘doing what’s best for all’, which includes me!).

Leila explained the point to me from what she could see and from her own experiences, then elaborated on it in a video on her ‘Parentingfor Life’ channel, where her and her sister Maite offer support on these practical, every day life situations. The video goes into more detail, but the one point that stuck out for me the most was the point of drawing my own boundaries first, and then working with the child from within those boundaries, considering of course, the child’s abilities and development. 

I had drawn boundaries around my preferences, wherein I had already decided that I did not prefer to play role-playing games with Cesar, but rather preferred doing physical activities and games. The boundaries I had not yet set were my physical boundaries, where I was actually accepting and allowing myself to push myself beyond my physical limits in order for Cesar to have his way. 

What I saw was that my mental boundaries that I had already set were more concerned with avoiding what I consider to be ‘boring and repetitive’, which are boundaries that I should in fact be pushing to expand, whereas my physical boundaries I had left unclear, thus placing me in a position where I was in a sense ‘allowing abuse’ from the perspective that I was in fact the one making the decision to push myself farther than was safe or comfortable physically.

When Cesar hit me, he was, in a way, showing me what I was already accepting and allowing within myself – wherein I have the tendency to let others take advantage of me, knowingly or unknowingly, because I do not set clear boundaries regarding what I am actually willing or capable of doing, because I had not checked with myself first. This does not mean it was cool that Cesar hit me, and I dealt with that accordingly, but it was MY REACTION to him hitting me that I am now dealing with. He did not hit me hard, he was being playful and is, in a sense, innocent as he is just learning about physical force and what is and is not cool in relation to how to treat others.

Children have an uncanny ability to show us where we need to change parts or aspects of ourselves, and can often touch and trigger bigger, underlying problems that we have been living with our whole lives. This does not make it the child’s fault, and it is a common mistake to take it all out on the child in the moment of being triggered for something that we had not taken complete self-responsibility for in our lives over time. Meaning, if you look at reactions, they are usually the result of an accumulation of undirected moments where we did not gift ourselves to opportunity for self-understanding and so self-change. 

If I had, over time, put more attention on learning to set boundaries and listen to my body and its signs, I would have not pushed myself too hard, and would have thus not placed myself in a position where I was already abusing my body. When Cesar hit me, it was a more direct form of ‘physical abuse’, however, it did not hurt and it was not personal, but my reaction in the moment was as if Cesar was the one causing the problem because I did not at that time see the bigger picture and pattern I had been playing out. Luckily, I have been practicing breathing through my reactions instead of having outbursts in the moment, so at the time I was calm and spoke to him about hitting and how if he does not like being hit, he should not hit another. 

 

Since then, I have been giving attention to this pattern within me, where I look at structuring my time and looking at the condition of my body before agreeing to or committing to participate in tasks with others. When I do this effectively, I can be sure that what I am doing is not too much, I do not go into blame or resent where I feel that others are pushing me too hard or causing an unnecessary strain on my time or my body, because I have already taken responsibility for myself and what I can and cannot do in the moment. This way, when I do participate with others, I can be fully present, knowing that I have checked with myself first, and I can give my all and assess along the way. When I live and work like this, I am more effective and feel overall better, more confident, more ‘in control’ in the sense that I am learning to master my time and efforts.

There is still a ways to go, as with all things involving changing life-long patterns and habits, it is a process, and I do make mistakes along the way – but knowing that I am working on creating self-understanding and becoming a better version of myself for myself, and so for others, I can see how small, every day moments can be used to contribute to huge changes in my own life and how I participate with those around me. 

In this way, I can also stand as an example for the children in my world, showing them through my living application and learning from my mistakes, what it means to be a completely self-responsible human being, one that strives to reach their utmost potential. This actually makes the most sense, because the alternative would be to continuing to live a life of over-exertion, blame, angry outbursts, and accumulated reactions. Conversely, one can choose to live a life of forgiveness, learning, growth and expansion. 

Either way, the effects of each one’s living will ripple out into the world, and have an effect on others and even future generations, wherein taking self-responsibility in small moments, consistently over time, reaches far beyond one’s own life, as it contributes to the kind of world we are living in, as well as the world we are leaving to our children.

For life skills visit: www.lite.desteniiprocess.com

For self-mastery visit: www.desteniiprocess.com