Parenting and Fear

 

Since being in Panama for a few months, I went through a kind of 'culture shock' as a parent to a baby that is becoming a wild and daring toddler. My daughter, Celest, is developing very quickly and is starting to interact more and more with the world... and that world currently happens to be the third world here in Panama. 

In Canada, I had access to 6 parks within walking distance, vast swaths of green grass to run wildly in, surrounded only by sleepy streets with slow moving cars, or safely fenced in with all the comforts like benches, sandbox, splash pads, jungle gym, sun, shade, waterfountain, baby pools, public security making the rounds, and many other parents and children present at all times, and Celest was just a baby, barely starting to walk. In Panama I have only an unpaved intersection, an indoor parking lot, a litter-lined public access path to the beach and the beach itself, as my options for outdoor activities within walking distance - and Celest is now running, climbing and throwing her body into everything she does, including the ocean. She wants to be everywhere, doing everything all at once! 

There are sometimes venomous snakes along the roadside, or coconuts that fall on windy days, stray dogs that run in packs from abandoned areas with dilapitated houses and overgorwn yards that are everywhere. There's the broken glass and rusty metal hidden in uncut grass and under roadside leaves. 

It's not only the physical environment itself that presents new challenges, but the way the culture functions within that environment as well. The outdoors are treated like the wastebasket for everyone that passes by. Nothing is maintained by any public entity but rather 'left to entropy' and the 'tragedy of the commons', where nobody has the incentive or resources to maintain it privately.

Within this environment are lax laws and rampant bribery. There is a lot of drunk driving and public drinking. I've met a large group of drunk men cat-calling me in the street at night while walking Celest, and  cornered by a dog growling at me with beared teeth while holding her up. There is extortion and corruption from the big to the small, accompanied by a sense of having 'given up' in most of the people we meet. And I never see children casually playing, anywhere.

These are just a few examples of some environmental and cultural factors I have had to become aware of and handle, but there are more. Needless to say, I can become quite rigid from all the potential dangers that surround us in the environment we are currently in (which is also *one of* the reasons we are moving to Canada 🇨🇦). I begin to experience it as if my little baby were under constant threat from 360 degrees each time I venture outdoors.

I can get worked up into a stress, where I automatically play out worse-case scenarios in my mind in an instant, like a movie playing images of horrible outcomes with Celest dying or being permanently maimed. Each sound of tires on gravel could be a drunk driver that runs her over, each rustling of leaves a snake that bites her leg, or if Celest ventures more than a few feet away, some animal or someone could snatch her up. I get a jolt of energy in my body and move closer to her or pick her up from that starting point of fear. 

Please don't get me wrong - there is a practical point here, where we are in an environment that is not suitable for a baby. I can't just allow Celest to roam free as I could in the parks in Canada. The point is that I had done this kind of switch into 'fear mode'. It is exaggerated in my current environment which has many moments of truly being 'unsafe', but this is the state and condition of 'helicopter parents' on a an unconscious level. They are in a state of constant fear (not necessarily felt consciously). Because the thing is, it doesn't really matter which environment you are in. Switching over into 'fear mode', where we tend to believe we require stress and fear in order to 'step up' our vigilance (and then get stuck in that hyper-vigilant state) can happen in any environment. 

Over the period of a few weeks, I found I was really struggling with Celest (my red flag point). I would walk down the street and see coconuts hanging above, open gates where dogs live, piles of leaves where snakes could be. I was so busy 'keeping her safe' that I had started hovering over her and restricting her freedom of movement almost completely.  She started fighting me more, becoming displeased more and more easily,  not listening to me, and spending time with her outdoors had become something less enjoyable. It was stressful and I stopped looking forward to it, all under the guise that I am 'keeping her safe'. 

All the warnings, close calls and 'threats' were used in my mind to confirm and validate my worst fears - as if each one were not just a distant potential, but an inevitability that I must prevent. I would essentially wrap myself in those fears like a safety blanket, believing that holding on to them is what was keeping us safe. This means, instead of calmly walking over to Celest if she were walking towards a ledge for example, I would rush over to her with images in my head of her already falling off the ledge, or her little, lifeless body on the ground below.

What happens when you go into a 'fear-mode' like this, is that you are actually attracting events to you, both physically/practically and existentially. Look at dogs: they will more likely attack if they sense fear and nervousness. Snakes are highly sensitive, your fear is a threat to them, so they will more likely defend themselves with a bite. When you are in fear, you are not present and aware in your body, which is when accidents tend to happen. And then there is attracting events on a whole other level, where if you live in fear, Life will manifest events for you to face in order to overcome or let go of that fear. 

The second point is that when you exist with, surround and hover over your child in a state of fear, you are constantly impulsing to them that you do not trust them, there is no trust - no self-trust, no trust in life - only fear. This will also make THEM more prone to accidents and injuries, as they will pick up only on nervousness, insecurity, stress and panic, and will embody these words as they grow and develop.

How is a child supposed to confidently walk into the world and reality when all they have been programmed with and impulsed is the many faces and flavours of FEAR? This is how we as parents inadvertently destroy our children from the getgo, where like most things, it all starts with good intentions. We destroy their self-trust and their godhood, we snatch away their innocence and eternal life and replace it all with fear. Fear as insecurity, fear as anxiety, fear as stress, fear as apprehension, fear as self-doubt - all of it just the different faces of fear.

The question is: how do you balance being practically safe and at the same time allowing for the development of trust, confidence and assuredness? How do you "allow your child to do dangerous things carefully" (jp)?

When it comes to most fears, you just have to STOP. Take a breath, release the fear, and delete the images. We are not victims to our minds - we can BE the directive principle of what takes place in our own minds, to use it as a tool. I look at the commonsense of: if I can so easily get locked into a 'fear mode', then I know I have the power to decide where my mind goes, and that that decision can be quite firm. So instead of locking myself into and trusting only 'fear mode', I lock myself into and trust my presence and awareness. With this, actions and movements are purely practical. I can calmly pick up my child when I see a car coming, or guide her away from areas conducive to snakes. I can be aware of my environment for dogs and assess the behaviour of the dog, which 99% of the time is calm and chill. 

I remind myself that, for example, dangerous things happen IN MOMENTS, and are not present all the time or even most of the time I spend outside. That I can be vigilant and preventative without fear. That I can bring forth my self-confidence, self-trust, self-assuredness, my constancy and consistency in the application of my awareness of myself, my surroundings and my child, and so impulse THESE words as myself, instead of impulsing fear.

Conversely, in the purely practical realm, it is very beneficial to have access to child-friendly spaces. In these spaces I allow Celest much independence and to take her own risks: to climb up high and get down on her own. To fall often and get bumps and scrapes, to go down the slide or climb up the rocks, to run along the edge of the bed and climb up on the stool - to do dangerous things carefully - as this is how she is learning and growing. 

Once I made the switch out of 'fear-mode' where I stopped hovering and moving my body in rigid, tense energy, and once I began stopping the doomsday thoughts and walked myself into presence, awareness and trust - there was a significant substantiation of my bond, communication and cooperation with Celest. I could see her blossoming more, not just physically, but in her cognitive abilities as well - all of this I use as feedback that I am moving in the right direction. 

The sad reality is that this world was not created within a consideration for children. And most or many of the systems that are designed for them, are done so in a way that limits and diminishes their greatness, all under the guise of 'keeping them safe' and 'preparing them for life in this world'. Our greatest power as a parent is to honour our children's Greatness, their Godliness, their Utmost Potential IN OUR OWN HOMES, and in those pieces of reality that we participate in.

Sibling Rivalry and the Efficacy of Vocabulary

 

Here Cesar is working on some stop-animation with his clay. He left all his characters on a table, and Celest managed to pull one down and break the tail. I was able to quickly retrieve it and prevent any more damage, but when Cesar saw the broken tail, he became very upset. 

The damage to the tail was an easy fix, but Cesar decided instead to destroy all his characters and start over. I found this reaction to be out of proportion to the situation, so I took a breath and looked deeper. 

I recalled the time we were going on a trip, and we forgot to pack Cesar's clay, as each had assumed the other had placed it in the truck. He again reacted very strongly, and I watched how Gian handled it. It is very easy for a parent to get frustrated and tell a child to just 'get over it' because it's not a big deal, and sometimes that is true, but oftentimes when we take the attitude to 'man-up' because "life is hard", we're only teaching children to suppress, which can lead to a lifetime of illness and disease, failed relationships and personal limitation. So Gian took the time to look a little deeper. He supported Cesar to put into words what was really going on - that it wasn't ONLY about forgetting the clay. For Cesar, it was about the implications of us forgetting.  Gian and I should know him, should have realized how important his clay is to him, and with that understanding, we should have MADE SURE and CERTAIN that the clay made it into the car - thus demonstrating and living our understanding of Who Cesar Is. And when we forgot it, for Cesar it was as if we had overlooked an important part of him, of how he would spend his time and how he would have fun while we were away, and it felt like we didn't know him (Cesar puts great care into ensuring we know who he is.

In the end, we asked forgiveness, which is a very important step - don't skip it - and we also explained to Cesar that his empowerment comes when he takes responsibility for his own things, so in the future he can take the step to ensure he has everything, even if that means reminding the adults to check as well. 

This recent incident was different though. Cesar HAD placed all his clay neatly in the middle of the table,  out of reach... but Celest has grown and her reach has expanded, and we had to find this out the hard way. 

When Cesar seemed inconsolable, I brought back the memory of how Gian had looked several layers deep, beyond the incident that played out in physical reality, and into the implications the child experiences, and I realized the point. I asked Cesar for forgiveness, and looked at the deeper layer. I realized that Cesar trusted me to look after his characters and take care of them while he is away from them for any period of time. If I fail to do this and don't communicate about it to him, it is as if I do not care, do not respect his projects, place less importance on his endeavours, and possibly place Celest's freedom of movement above protecting his creations (because now we have sibling dynamics to consider).

I reminded Cesar that Gian and I both respect and look after his belongings very much. Sometimes you have to remind a child of your proven track-record, because the negative experience can be blinding, where only the negative incidents are seen. I was not speaking empty words. I was reminding Cesar of Living Words such as Love, Respect and Consideration as consistent actions over time specifically when it came to taking care of his clay. The fact that we live these words in our relationship means that Celest WILL learn through us as examples to do the same. However she is still just a baby and does not yet understand things like 'mine' and 'yours'. I also reminded Cesar of when he cut up my expensive earphones with scissors when he was much younger, because toddlers do this kind of thing, and we have to move through it. We had a good laugh at that!

We finished by talking about the choice to 'linger in an emotional state or reaction' once all the points had been discussed and there was understanding and a way forward. It's true that some things do just suck, it's just a shitty situation - but how long do you hold on to that for? I showed Cesar that he now had a choice to remain sad, or to move himself towards having fun again. He admitted that sometimes he suppresses his smiles and laughter to remain sad, but that he would now let it go.

It's so cool when a child has a well-developped vocabulary and understanding, and you can actually get to the root of points as they arise. With setting this kind of foundation in children, we are giving them the tools, skills and abilities to "man-up" later in life when they do become grown Men and Women. They will be able to do it in a way where they don't simply push down and bury their feelings and emotions, but to actually work through them for themselves, because they've been given self-understanding and opportunities to take self-responsibility.

The tough part is that us adults were not necessarily given these tools (and neither were our parents, or theirs), so we have to do the self-work to cut through the reactions to the understanding. I use the Desteni tools for self-work and Techno Tutor for myself and the kids reading, comprehension and vocabulary development. My posts are the outflows of applying these tools. I post them to keep myself accountable, and to support others when similar situations arise in their own lives. 

First Trust; Never hold assumptions...

 

I was growing this spring onion in the window, and Celest was very interested in it. In Canada,  she used to pick the spring onions and chew on them, so I would break off pieces of this one for her or bring her close to look at it. I never let her hold the whole plant due to the assumption that she would make a huge mess and end up killing it. 

Finally, one day when she was very adamant, Gian suggested I just give it to her and see what happens. He reminded me not to hold an assumption or have any expectation of what Celest's behaviour might be. Rather give her a blank slate and allow her to show me what she will do. So I took the onion down and gave it to her. 

To my surprise, Celest played with the onion for hours! She was so gentle and would carry it around,  picking it up and putting it down, losing interest and then taking it up again, all with only a few broken sprigs. She was so careful with it, when I was certain she would dig out the soil and spread it over the room!

Its so easy to fall into the habit of functioning from assumption and expectation, thinking and believing we know what's going to happen based on past behaviour. But this can end up locking children into a past version of themselves without giving them the space to show us what they've learned or how they can so easily and quickly change. It is a cool reminder to regularily hold back all assumptions and expectations, and allow children to instead SHOW us who they are and what they will do.

Why I Worldschool

Keeping up with Cesar's self-education can be a little 😬🥵🫨 at times! I can start counting the terms I have to Google in order to understand what he is telling me in what he would consider a 'normal conversation'. 

Right now, Cesar is into taxonomy. In the picture below, he has created several phyla of classes out of his clay, explaining to me the sexual dymorphism, sexual and asexual reproductive methods within species, and the pleomorphism present within some of the species he's created. He then explains to me that he believes that tardigrades are not highly resistant and able to survive things like the vaccuum of space on purpose, but that they are extremophiles and their heartness is simply side-effect of this. (Total number of googles on my part: 6).

Cesar can become frustrated with me when I take some time to quickly educate myself while talking to him. He wonders why I don't know things, how this world can be so interesting and amazing, and why have I not taken the time to learn all about it? I have to explain to him that my childhood education was prescribed to me by others, and that I went from full-time school directly into full-time work. I had to be honest and tell him that my free time was spent moslty escaping the rest of my life, and that I was turned off from 'learning' as it had come to feel like a chore and was very boring in how it was presented through school. It only occurred to me in my adult life that I could become passionate about something and do my own research and investigations. 

Children that are moved through the education system do not get to nurture their personal interests nor spend timeless moments in their fascinations. To me, this is what that fleeting moment called 'childhood' should be all about. Most of us did not get to live it this way, but for those of us that see value in this approach, we can give it to the next generation. Cesar is an amazing example of how a child's appetite for learning is naturally voracious! All we have to do is give him the tools like reading and vocabulary, guidance, and lots of patience to see it all through to the development of this incredible human being that he is - not only in 'what he knows' - that is not the most important thing. It's about Who He Is within himself, toward others and the whole.

The Devouring Mother

I'm sharing this video and my perspectives on it for any mothers that are going through the point of pushing their child's independence/self-sufficiency and autonomy. 

In walking this point of mothering for myself for a while now, I have seen many points come up in me, points which I know are about me, and NOT the child. The primary context within which to confront this 'issue' is to take responsibility/self-responsibility in seeing that no matter what comes from the child, they are never to blame, and never to be on the receiving end of any emotional reaction the parent might go through. The child is coming from a point of absolute innocence, their out-put is a result of the input from their environment and the influences and forces within it.  Their responsibility/self-responsibility will come later, once they've learned and once they know better. 

In terms of my experience, I am in a very cool position of first walking this point with a child that is not my biological son - this means, I do not have that history of bearing him and raising him from a newborn, which is where a lot of the programming that blinds us, the chemistry behind the bonds is released into our systems, almost addicting us to our newborn infants - those years where our parenting personalities, self-definitions, and all the mind-points sprout and take root. I am not immune to any of it, but I can see myself more clearly than if I had borne him, as the blind spots were not yet in place. I also have a partner that has been through it and can guide me, I can thus navigate the terrain a little more clearly and prevent a lot of the common pitfalls before blindly falling into them. For example, I can clearly SEE, when I take a step back from doing something for the child in my life, that I feel guilty as if I am causing him unnecessary suffering, I feel bad/sorry for him when he struggles, his pain feels like my pain, and  have been trained to avoid pain, I feel good and fulfilled when I do things for him, as if I am fulfilling my purpose. It sometimes feels 'counter-intuitive' to have him do things on his own, and I have to literally restrain myself to NOT step in and do it for him - the programming is there and is being activated, but I have more 'wiggle room' to make a clearer decision about how to direct the points as the programming has not yet taken root into my behaviour.

However, now I have a child of my own, and will be walking the point first-hand. Even with all the lessons and understanding in place, living a point in reality will always present the same challenges with the same intensity as it is REAL, and you have to work in real-time. It's not just knowledge and information that you can slow down, fast-forward, rewind and isolate. 

Looking at the point self-honestly, I first notice that all of the activated programming as the feelings and emotions are all about how *I* feel, they form MY internal experience. This means that if I blindly follow them as the ultimate 'truth', that I am not looking practically at what is best for the child in the long-term. Sometimes the child will ask me to do something for him that he can do himself, and he'll even give me reasons why I should do it, or go into a self-defeat just to get me to do the thing for him. In these cases I have to push even harder to remain patient and encourage/support him to take over, I have to push through my own internal emotional reactions and 'instincts' at the same time as walking him through breaking down his own walls and self/limitations, to 'fight' for him and show him what he is really capable of.

When the child does find success on his own, and when he does things for himself, we BOTH see his confidence grow. I get to see him become proud of himself, valuing himself and beaming with that look of self-satisfaction and contentment - that reminds me that it is so worth it to let go of myself and support the child to develop himself fully.

The "Devouring Mother"  is the mother that goes a step beyond falling into her programming - she does it intentionally. She'll do everything for her child as they get older, devouring the child's autonomy and ability to become independent. The Devouring Mother is essentially setting herself and her child up to create an 'adult infant' to fulfill the mother's wants and needs as long as she lives, as she is  creating a child that will and can never leave her.

I would like to add to what Jordan Peterson shares in this video by suggesting that the Devouring Mother is directly related to the mother's relationship with herself. I will explain why and how, and the benefits of sorting her self-relationship out so that she does not destroy and devour her child, creating that Freudian nightmare

Now that I have a newborn in my life, it has become so much easier when Cesar ('step-son') does things for himself. I can see how when I was completely available to him, I may give in more easily, or move more slowly on the point of him developing his abilities to do things on his own. I learned very quickly first-hand the dedication, commitment and repetition it takes to teach a child what may seem like simple things to do, maintain and remember. It is a LOT, and it feels as though everything is against you when you push for it - your programming, the child's will, not having the adequate developed vocabulary and understanding within self or the child,  time and life in the system, practicality etc... Nowadays it helps a lot when Cesar is not only more self-sufficient, but can actually help me by fetching things or giving me an extra hand, and he seems to like it. It gives him purpose, value in the group, equality and empowerment, and he sees he is helpful and useful instead of feeling in constant need of others.

I was the younger sibling in my childhood, and I remember how it felt to take that leap from looking for help versus doing things on my own. I only cut the final ties in my mid-twenties! There was a resistance and a laziness present, which I could feel but did not have the words for. It stemmed from a belief that I could not do things on my own, feelings of disempowerment, from trying and failing and not seeing things through to the end in not pushing myself until I succeeded. I could sense, even as a child, that when I fought for 'help', I was fighting for dependency and fighting for my own limitations. There is a sense of 'ugliness' to it, I felt like a burden, and even at that young age I could see deep down that it was not serving me nor anyone else in my environment. Yet at the same time, I felt like I was getting away with something, getting 'off the hook', having it easy, and this also fed the laziness and resistance, unfortunately making it stronger in me. 

Children are quite perceptive like this, they are aware of what they are feeling, but they do not yet have the vocabulary to define it for themselves - this is why they cannot work with the point and cannot direct it. The parent's role moves from doing everything for their infant, to then teaching and directing the growing child to become capable, able and self-sufficient. For me in my childhood, having not really pushed the point, it led to things becoming more difficult for me in my life in later years. It is the responsibility of the parent to educate the child and give the child the words and understanding to describe what is going on within themselves. Oftentimes, the parent themselves has not developed the insight to do this, because it is how they were taught (or not taught), and it was how they experienced themselves and did not correct themselves in their growing up years. When we do this we end up learning through life lessons and consequences, leading more burdened and complicated life circumstances than was necessary. Rather put in the effort to support the child while they are young, before the resistance, procrastination and laziness have really taken root, when there is more plasticity - this is when it is ideal for the parent to really push themselves and give it their all.

Now that I'm in the position of having a baby, I can see more clearly where I've catered to Cesar too much (this is where physical feedback shows you where to focus and correct). In most cases, it is a case of a mother's good intentions gone 'bad' (as in, not what's best for everyone involved). I can easily justify why I did things the way I did, how it was necessary given the circumstances, how I saw it as best at the time, and it may have been - but none of this negates when there are points to be corrected in the present moment and situation, regardless of how or why they are there. This is where self-forgiveness plays a big role. We can forgive, release, let go and correct from where we are NOW, and not bring in the past as justifications and excuses.

I believe this point does not get the attention it deserves, because if left unchecked, over-protectiveness and excess compassion can become very big detriments to the child. It gets overlooked because when you observe it happening, it looks very 'nice', even 'heartwarming', like a caring and helpful mother tending to her child's every need. It can also be experienced this way by both the mother and the child, so it is difficult to identify it in the moment, and oftentimes you'll only see the detriment later in down the road, in hindsight. 

Pushing a child's self-sufficiency is often hard to do, like a mother bird pushing the baby out of the nest, it seems 'harsh'. Within this, we have to remember that Real Care often hurts. It is, at the same time, encouraging, gentle and embracing - but there is a quality of 'growing pains' to it. It has to feel 'bad' for a moment in order to serve as a reminder as to why the thing needs to change. It also involves pushing beyond comfort zones and perceived limitations, and a child will not always do this willingly of for himself. It doesn't feel 'good'.

In the video above, Peterson explains very well the dangers of "excess compassion" coming from mothers towards their children. There is so much talk in social media about "masculine toxicity", but you rarely hear about "feminine toxicity" and how this overprotective nature can fatally undermine a child. This creates a society not of REAL men and women, but of emotionally dependant, reactive, easily offended 'adult infants'. 

As women, we are nurturers naturally, but we are also adult human beings. Having been through child rearing before, my partner has talked at length with me about 'life after Celest' (my newborn) - because right now, the role of caring for a newborn is so fulfilling, so purposeful and so rewarding, that I can see the temptation to want to make it last forever. But as soon as Celest can crawl, this role is going to slowly change from her complete and utter dependency, to beginning that process of boundary-setting, developing independence and autonomy and everything that comes with that. After that, childhood, and then a teen... And within this, even though it seems so far away, I will still have a life after Celest's infanthood. What would I like to be doing then? How do I want to support myself? How would I like my body to be? I have to look at these questions now so that I set myself up as best as I can for a successful transition when the time comes. If I do not focus on myself in these ways, Celest will become my whole world, and this is too much responsibility for a child - it is not their job to be this, and they I'll be flooded and suffocated in the most 'beautiful' and 'nice' ways if the mother neglects to maintain herself and her self-relationship.

So many women let go of their bodies and/or their sexuality for example, when they become mothers. I experienced this immediately after Celest's birth while I was in recovery and had this tiny little newborn in my care: my body was only a life-giving machine and nothing else. I saw this whole new expression coming from me and I loved it! But as time passed, I had to ask myself if I truly wanted to give up the other aspects of my expression, my body, my self, my individuality and my 'personhood', and my answer was that I did not. Fitness, my ability to do things, my sexual expression (and this goes way beyond the act of sex, which is just one small aspect of sexuality), and all the non-child-rearing aspects of my woman-ness I endeavoured to hold as equally important parts of me as my ability to be a mother. I decided I would embrace the new expression, AND maintain what I already had developed as a woman without a child. This is something I can't forget or lose sight of, even at this early stage. It's not to act on it all at once, no, but rather to keep it in my awareness and bring it in (in moments) when the time comes. This is how I tend to my relationship with myself so that it does not fall on Celest to be anything FOR me, but to rather become her OWN woman, where, when she is older, her and I will be equals, and she may even surpass me in many ways. This is the main reason why Celest will know me as Kim, and not 'mom'. I do not want to impose roles or a hierarchy onto our relationship. I do not want her to be bound to me or feel she needs to do or be something she is not because of me or our relationship.

In the video, Peterson explains that if we immerse ourselves too completely into the nurturing nature of the mother, where that becomes our ONLY role, that we can end up essentially destroying our children. I posit that we would destroy ourselves in the process as well. For the child, the mother has condensed all of herself into this one role and one purpose of protecting and nurturing an infant,  when the child displays signs of autonomy and independence, it becomes a threat to the mother, as it threatens her role, purpose and self-definition. In order to protect this, she will do everything for her child. She is keeping her child as an 'infant', which Peterson describes as raising 'old infants', and how that is an 'ugly' thing (both for the parents and the child). For example, think of an adult temper tantrum, an emotionally unstable adult lashing out: this is an adult infant - he cannot function in the real world, cannot create functional relationships, cannot support himself through the challenges of life, and can actually be dangerous.

Within this, the mother has also undermined herself - with all the 'best intentions' in the world, the mother becomes the epitomy of self-interest, which becomes a subtle and undetectable toxicity -  the child is used to her benefit to fulfill her role, her purpose, her fulfillment and sense of herself, mostly emotionally. She may even replace having a man in her life with having her child remain with her - instead of having kept the relationship with her child practical, as physical actions, and kept her emotional well-being as her own responsibility. In this, the woman can feel purposeless without her child. She can miss out on developing new partnerships, or neglect her current partnership and allow it to deteriorate and fall apart. She can lose parts of her expression she once had, becoming a less dynamic version of herself, and so much more.

In the end, we have to remember that our children do not belong to us, they are their own beings. Our job is to guide and teach them so that they do not need us anymore. Our job is to render ourselves obsolete, so that what is left is an actual equal relationship between two beings. There is no 'need' or dependency, but rather two complete beings together in this life.

The good news that I have learned from my own experience is that there is a lot of 'wiggle room' in terms of too-lateness. It's never really too late to learn, it just becomes more difficult as habits and expectations take root. There is then also more emotional reactions to manage and work through and it takes more time to integrate. But it's ok, there is no such thing as a 'perfect' parent, but there is a perfecting parent, so the point is to never give up. 

This is My Breastmilk.

To my breastfeeding mother friends, did you know that what you produce is literally liquid gold. It is healing magic. It is a carrier of information, and it is so much more?

It is crazy to think that only a generation ago, our grandparents were convinced that breastfeeding was inadequate, animalistic, perceived as dirty, and shunned by society. A mother breastfeeding in public was a vulgar sight, and people would be quite disgusted to see this natural act taking place.

That generation, in all their innocence, were victim to the all pervasive power of the advertising machine which can literally, and still to this day, invent and script our cultural norms and forays. New mothers were convinced that their breast milk, which was created by the same body that produced another human, which is designed to feed that human within a physical communication of the chemical and nutritional needs of that tiny little human - was inadequate! This breastmilk will change on command. If the baby is sick, the milk will change colour as it modifies itself to suit the needs of the child to fight the illness. It transforms itself over time, from the beginning of the feeding to the end, and over years as the child develops and its needs change to grow different bones and organs, hormones and immunities.

Needless to say - the technology of breastmilk far surpasses anything the human mind could possibly comprehend or reproduce. Not in our wildest dreams could we match the magic of breastmilk. Yet, one generation ago, mothers were convinced that man-made formula from pasturized and disinfected (ie: dead) cows milk, could do a better job at nourishing an infant human, with all its synthetic vitamin and mineral additives. A few corporations made a lot of money on that one. We were duped, and our children suffered for it.

All this to say that: I will not be breastfeeding forever, so I will take full advantage of this magical elixir my body has been creating. 

I express my milk to use on myself as a  topical application on skin rashes and irritations. I will also, from time to time, do a facial with it, and I've used it on Celest's diaper rash when she was teething. It has never failed me. It clears up, soothes or heals everything I put it on. It has become my go-to for any and all healing needs, which are few thankfully.

But I don't just use it willy-nilly. I have been reading a series called "The Ringing Cedars of Russia" - Also known as the Anastasia books. I will no doubt be writing more on what I have been learning on the subject of parenting from these books.

In book 2 of the series, Anastasia explains that when you breastfeed your child, you need to focus only on the child. Do not have random thoughts running through your mind. This is because the substance of breastmilk is extremely sensitive. It carries information into the child, and influences the child's development on an informational and physical level, which later on can be activated and manifest in the child.

When the portal explained breastfeeding on a separate occasion, she said to breastfeed with 'nothingness'. As Gian puts it: with nothingness,  "...you are not transferring anything to the child except training and showing them to be here as nothingness". As Anastasia explains, if you do it this way, you then teach the child to 'communicate with the universe and have access to everything'. Funny how being "here as nothingness" gives you "access to everything", but that is for another post.

When I am nursing with Celest and I find my mind begin to wander, I will bring my focused awareness back on to her, onto her  physical,  the mundane things, which are things that wont activate entire thought processes!. And I will speak them to myself. So when my mind begins to wander, I will look at her and simply say things like,  you have two eyes, your hair is blond, your shirt is blue, it has five buttons... and so on until I am just breathing.

Back to the breastmilk. My tip for breastmilk application is to use these fine-mist spray bottles as shown in the photo. They are very small, so the contents will always be fresh. It dries quickly because it is sprayed in such a fine mist, and you can keep it in the fridge for a few days.

I also hold within me my intention for the milk, kind of like how tou can set and intention for the water tou drink - things like what I want to heal and why. I then commit to uprooting and dealing with the mind-made cause of the ailment whenever possible, because if we just heal ourselves and remain comfortable, we'll probably recreate the same issue again until it's dealt with.

I don't use breastmilk on Celest very much because her body is learning how to exist in this environment and heal itself, it does not need a crutch. But when she is in discomfort like with a diaper rash, because diapers are so unnatural and unfortunate, I give the extra support for her comfort. I have applied a bit to her cradle cap, but that seems to be clearing up on its own quite well; its a "don't fix what ain't broken kind of thing". Or maybe it was the breastmilk? 😉 Jk! 😆

So, if you are a breastfeeding mother,  express some of your milk and use it (also good in baths and for hair treatment 😃)! Why not? 

Is My Child Abusing Me?

I was the one that asked the question in the Parenting for Life video “Is My Child Abusing Me?”, and this is my blog about my experience with the child, and after hearing the support shared in the video, and how this support empowered me to open my eyes to a pattern that had been playing out in my life for decades.

I was minding Cesar for a couple of hours one day, and one of my challenges in spending time with him is that I become bored with his games which can be very repetitive. When he decided he wanted to play on the swing set, I though that was great, because it was less boring and so something I could enjoy too. After some time swinging, Cesar started to feel heavy. I was giving it everything I had to keep him on my lap, hold onto the swing and swing higher and higher per his demands. My body was becoming uncomfortable, my muscles ached, and I was finding it more and more difficult to ensure he would not fall off as he was twisting and squirming on my lap. I kept telling myself that his safety was the most important thing, and ignored my aches and pains like ‘a good woman’, sacrificing myself for the child, so he could enjoy the swing, so I could keep him occupied with it or else I would have to play something else. And in that moment, he hits me.

“This child is abusing me” – is the first thought that came up within me, which I judged as absolutely ridiculous and brushed it off. But the point stayed with me so I decided to bring it up with his mom, Leila. I live in a communal environment called the Desteni Farm with Leila and quite a few others, where we share common spaces and live according to a set of agreed upon principles. Some of those principles cover a commitment to apply self-awareness and self-responsibility, as well as to support self and others to become our best. Each one committing to these principles creates a community of mutual support, openness, communication and trust (see my post here about my experience with this community)

Within the principle of self-awareness, I decided to not sweep my reaction under the rug, but instead bring it up and look at what was really going on, what was the deeper issue here? Within the principle of giving as you would like to receive, I shared the moment with Leila, knowing she could support me to see the bigger picture, and thus support me to live the principle of self-responsibility (wherein I take complete responsibility for my reactions so that I can change accordingly to living the principle of ‘doing what’s best for all’, which includes me!).

Leila explained the point to me from what she could see and from her own experiences, then elaborated on it in a video on her ‘Parentingfor Life’ channel, where her and her sister Maite offer support on these practical, every day life situations. The video goes into more detail, but the one point that stuck out for me the most was the point of drawing my own boundaries first, and then working with the child from within those boundaries, considering of course, the child’s abilities and development. 

I had drawn boundaries around my preferences, wherein I had already decided that I did not prefer to play role-playing games with Cesar, but rather preferred doing physical activities and games. The boundaries I had not yet set were my physical boundaries, where I was actually accepting and allowing myself to push myself beyond my physical limits in order for Cesar to have his way. 

What I saw was that my mental boundaries that I had already set were more concerned with avoiding what I consider to be ‘boring and repetitive’, which are boundaries that I should in fact be pushing to expand, whereas my physical boundaries I had left unclear, thus placing me in a position where I was in a sense ‘allowing abuse’ from the perspective that I was in fact the one making the decision to push myself farther than was safe or comfortable physically.

When Cesar hit me, he was, in a way, showing me what I was already accepting and allowing within myself – wherein I have the tendency to let others take advantage of me, knowingly or unknowingly, because I do not set clear boundaries regarding what I am actually willing or capable of doing, because I had not checked with myself first. This does not mean it was cool that Cesar hit me, and I dealt with that accordingly, but it was MY REACTION to him hitting me that I am now dealing with. He did not hit me hard, he was being playful and is, in a sense, innocent as he is just learning about physical force and what is and is not cool in relation to how to treat others.

Children have an uncanny ability to show us where we need to change parts or aspects of ourselves, and can often touch and trigger bigger, underlying problems that we have been living with our whole lives. This does not make it the child’s fault, and it is a common mistake to take it all out on the child in the moment of being triggered for something that we had not taken complete self-responsibility for in our lives over time. Meaning, if you look at reactions, they are usually the result of an accumulation of undirected moments where we did not gift ourselves to opportunity for self-understanding and so self-change. 

If I had, over time, put more attention on learning to set boundaries and listen to my body and its signs, I would have not pushed myself too hard, and would have thus not placed myself in a position where I was already abusing my body. When Cesar hit me, it was a more direct form of ‘physical abuse’, however, it did not hurt and it was not personal, but my reaction in the moment was as if Cesar was the one causing the problem because I did not at that time see the bigger picture and pattern I had been playing out. Luckily, I have been practicing breathing through my reactions instead of having outbursts in the moment, so at the time I was calm and spoke to him about hitting and how if he does not like being hit, he should not hit another. 

 

Since then, I have been giving attention to this pattern within me, where I look at structuring my time and looking at the condition of my body before agreeing to or committing to participate in tasks with others. When I do this effectively, I can be sure that what I am doing is not too much, I do not go into blame or resent where I feel that others are pushing me too hard or causing an unnecessary strain on my time or my body, because I have already taken responsibility for myself and what I can and cannot do in the moment. This way, when I do participate with others, I can be fully present, knowing that I have checked with myself first, and I can give my all and assess along the way. When I live and work like this, I am more effective and feel overall better, more confident, more ‘in control’ in the sense that I am learning to master my time and efforts.

There is still a ways to go, as with all things involving changing life-long patterns and habits, it is a process, and I do make mistakes along the way – but knowing that I am working on creating self-understanding and becoming a better version of myself for myself, and so for others, I can see how small, every day moments can be used to contribute to huge changes in my own life and how I participate with those around me. 

In this way, I can also stand as an example for the children in my world, showing them through my living application and learning from my mistakes, what it means to be a completely self-responsible human being, one that strives to reach their utmost potential. This actually makes the most sense, because the alternative would be to continuing to live a life of over-exertion, blame, angry outbursts, and accumulated reactions. Conversely, one can choose to live a life of forgiveness, learning, growth and expansion. 

Either way, the effects of each one’s living will ripple out into the world, and have an effect on others and even future generations, wherein taking self-responsibility in small moments, consistently over time, reaches far beyond one’s own life, as it contributes to the kind of world we are living in, as well as the world we are leaving to our children.

For life skills visit: www.lite.desteniiprocess.com

For self-mastery visit: www.desteniiprocess.com