Parenting and Fear

 

Since being in Panama for a few months, I went through a kind of 'culture shock' as a parent to a baby that is becoming a wild and daring toddler. My daughter, Celest, is developing very quickly and is starting to interact more and more with the world... and that world currently happens to be the third world here in Panama. 

In Canada, I had access to 6 parks within walking distance, vast swaths of green grass to run wildly in, surrounded only by sleepy streets with slow moving cars, or safely fenced in with all the comforts like benches, sandbox, splash pads, jungle gym, sun, shade, waterfountain, baby pools, public security making the rounds, and many other parents and children present at all times, and Celest was just a baby, barely starting to walk. In Panama I have only an unpaved intersection, an indoor parking lot, a litter-lined public access path to the beach and the beach itself, as my options for outdoor activities within walking distance - and Celest is now running, climbing and throwing her body into everything she does, including the ocean. She wants to be everywhere, doing everything all at once! 

There are sometimes venomous snakes along the roadside, or coconuts that fall on windy days, stray dogs that run in packs from abandoned areas with dilapitated houses and overgorwn yards that are everywhere. There's the broken glass and rusty metal hidden in uncut grass and under roadside leaves. 

It's not only the physical environment itself that presents new challenges, but the way the culture functions within that environment as well. The outdoors are treated like the wastebasket for everyone that passes by. Nothing is maintained by any public entity but rather 'left to entropy' and the 'tragedy of the commons', where nobody has the incentive or resources to maintain it privately.

Within this environment are lax laws and rampant bribery. There is a lot of drunk driving and public drinking. I've met a large group of drunk men cat-calling me in the street at night while walking Celest, and  cornered by a dog growling at me with beared teeth while holding her up. There is extortion and corruption from the big to the small, accompanied by a sense of having 'given up' in most of the people we meet. And I never see children casually playing, anywhere.

These are just a few examples of some environmental and cultural factors I have had to become aware of and handle, but there are more. Needless to say, I can become quite rigid from all the potential dangers that surround us in the environment we are currently in (which is also *one of* the reasons we are moving to Canada 🇨🇦). I begin to experience it as if my little baby were under constant threat from 360 degrees each time I venture outdoors.

I can get worked up into a stress, where I automatically play out worse-case scenarios in my mind in an instant, like a movie playing images of horrible outcomes with Celest dying or being permanently maimed. Each sound of tires on gravel could be a drunk driver that runs her over, each rustling of leaves a snake that bites her leg, or if Celest ventures more than a few feet away, some animal or someone could snatch her up. I get a jolt of energy in my body and move closer to her or pick her up from that starting point of fear. 

Please don't get me wrong - there is a practical point here, where we are in an environment that is not suitable for a baby. I can't just allow Celest to roam free as I could in the parks in Canada. The point is that I had done this kind of switch into 'fear mode'. It is exaggerated in my current environment which has many moments of truly being 'unsafe', but this is the state and condition of 'helicopter parents' on a an unconscious level. They are in a state of constant fear (not necessarily felt consciously). Because the thing is, it doesn't really matter which environment you are in. Switching over into 'fear mode', where we tend to believe we require stress and fear in order to 'step up' our vigilance (and then get stuck in that hyper-vigilant state) can happen in any environment. 

Over the period of a few weeks, I found I was really struggling with Celest (my red flag point). I would walk down the street and see coconuts hanging above, open gates where dogs live, piles of leaves where snakes could be. I was so busy 'keeping her safe' that I had started hovering over her and restricting her freedom of movement almost completely.  She started fighting me more, becoming displeased more and more easily,  not listening to me, and spending time with her outdoors had become something less enjoyable. It was stressful and I stopped looking forward to it, all under the guise that I am 'keeping her safe'. 

All the warnings, close calls and 'threats' were used in my mind to confirm and validate my worst fears - as if each one were not just a distant potential, but an inevitability that I must prevent. I would essentially wrap myself in those fears like a safety blanket, believing that holding on to them is what was keeping us safe. This means, instead of calmly walking over to Celest if she were walking towards a ledge for example, I would rush over to her with images in my head of her already falling off the ledge, or her little, lifeless body on the ground below.

What happens when you go into a 'fear-mode' like this, is that you are actually attracting events to you, both physically/practically and existentially. Look at dogs: they will more likely attack if they sense fear and nervousness. Snakes are highly sensitive, your fear is a threat to them, so they will more likely defend themselves with a bite. When you are in fear, you are not present and aware in your body, which is when accidents tend to happen. And then there is attracting events on a whole other level, where if you live in fear, Life will manifest events for you to face in order to overcome or let go of that fear. 

The second point is that when you exist with, surround and hover over your child in a state of fear, you are constantly impulsing to them that you do not trust them, there is no trust - no self-trust, no trust in life - only fear. This will also make THEM more prone to accidents and injuries, as they will pick up only on nervousness, insecurity, stress and panic, and will embody these words as they grow and develop.

How is a child supposed to confidently walk into the world and reality when all they have been programmed with and impulsed is the many faces and flavours of FEAR? This is how we as parents inadvertently destroy our children from the getgo, where like most things, it all starts with good intentions. We destroy their self-trust and their godhood, we snatch away their innocence and eternal life and replace it all with fear. Fear as insecurity, fear as anxiety, fear as stress, fear as apprehension, fear as self-doubt - all of it just the different faces of fear.

The question is: how do you balance being practically safe and at the same time allowing for the development of trust, confidence and assuredness? How do you "allow your child to do dangerous things carefully" (jp)?

When it comes to most fears, you just have to STOP. Take a breath, release the fear, and delete the images. We are not victims to our minds - we can BE the directive principle of what takes place in our own minds, to use it as a tool. I look at the commonsense of: if I can so easily get locked into a 'fear mode', then I know I have the power to decide where my mind goes, and that that decision can be quite firm. So instead of locking myself into and trusting only 'fear mode', I lock myself into and trust my presence and awareness. With this, actions and movements are purely practical. I can calmly pick up my child when I see a car coming, or guide her away from areas conducive to snakes. I can be aware of my environment for dogs and assess the behaviour of the dog, which 99% of the time is calm and chill. 

I remind myself that, for example, dangerous things happen IN MOMENTS, and are not present all the time or even most of the time I spend outside. That I can be vigilant and preventative without fear. That I can bring forth my self-confidence, self-trust, self-assuredness, my constancy and consistency in the application of my awareness of myself, my surroundings and my child, and so impulse THESE words as myself, instead of impulsing fear.

Conversely, in the purely practical realm, it is very beneficial to have access to child-friendly spaces. In these spaces I allow Celest much independence and to take her own risks: to climb up high and get down on her own. To fall often and get bumps and scrapes, to go down the slide or climb up the rocks, to run along the edge of the bed and climb up on the stool - to do dangerous things carefully - as this is how she is learning and growing. 

Once I made the switch out of 'fear-mode' where I stopped hovering and moving my body in rigid, tense energy, and once I began stopping the doomsday thoughts and walked myself into presence, awareness and trust - there was a significant substantiation of my bond, communication and cooperation with Celest. I could see her blossoming more, not just physically, but in her cognitive abilities as well - all of this I use as feedback that I am moving in the right direction. 

The sad reality is that this world was not created within a consideration for children. And most or many of the systems that are designed for them, are done so in a way that limits and diminishes their greatness, all under the guise of 'keeping them safe' and 'preparing them for life in this world'. Our greatest power as a parent is to honour our children's Greatness, their Godliness, their Utmost Potential IN OUR OWN HOMES, and in those pieces of reality that we participate in.

Day 236: The Tao of the Hen

Some people may find it weird, the process I am walking with the chickens here at the farm, and the fascination I have developed with them. I myself can’t completely explain it. What I am able to put into words though, is what I am learning about myself through not only the chickens, but all the animals on the farm. This includes dogs, horses, parrots, bugs, rats and frogs.

I had an experience recently that inspired me to finally write about my process with the animals. The experience involved a hen with a pretty bad injury on her foot. It happened as I was walking through the chicken coop to retrieve a bucket, when, as usual, all the chickens came running towards and gathering around me with great vigour in hopes to be fed. This particular hen was slower, coming real close and holding up her foot in a gesture that caught my attention. It almost seemed to me like she was showing it to me, as I saw a bad wound on one of her toes. Interestingly, I immediately felt guilty, as if I had in some way caused it by unknowingly stepping on it, or by opening the door on it.

Already, there are two red flags that I noticed, which I have been learning through interacting with the animals. The first is thinking the hen was showing me her foot. Here, it is important to not impose my thoughts or beliefs onto the actions of an animal in an attempt to anthropomorphise the communication, because there is no way to know for sure, so there is a risk of mis-interpreting the situation because I only have my side of the story. The second thing is to not bring my emotions into interactions with animals. Through both common sense and experience, I have seen that bringing emotions into animal relationships only ever causes problems, either between animals, or between myself and the animal.

The interesting thing here is that these two behaviours that I am correcting within myself in relation to animals can also be applied with humans. For example, how often do we only look at our own side of a situation, interpreting what we see and believing it to be the truth or the reality of the situation, without first checking or cross-referencing the information with another? We can so easily invent entire dramas in our own minds, missing important information, going into reactions that affect our behaviour and that can even put a wedge in the relationship, sometimes without it ever being fully resolved. 

So, for the first red flag moment of believing I was having a special communication with the hen, I quickly let go of my own beliefs, and took away the objective information only:  that there was a wound and the hen was limping, and I would need to ask someone whether there was anything we could do for her. 

The second red flag involved me bringing an emotion into the interaction, in this case ‘guilt’. This behaviour can also be applied in human relations: When we act from a starting point of emotion, for example, ‘guilt’, we are not being sincere in our actions, and we are not addressing the root cause of whatever problem we are feeling guilty about. Let’s say you buy a child, a friend or a family member gifts out of guilt that you are not spending enough time with them. The solution would be to make time to spend with them in a sustainable way, and not bring guilt into your presence when with that person, because it will usually have a consequential impact on them. Also, when we do this, we make it all about US, how WE are feeling and what will make ME feel better about MYself. This allows for the root-cause behaviour to continue, it takes away from the sincerity of the gesture and the opportunity for real, unconditional giving, unconditional care, and unconditional support for another.

When it came time for me to be taught how to handle the situation in terms of actually treating the wounded hen, I was a bit apprehensive thinking about how silly I would look clumsily chasing around a chicken, and then I saw images of those long, sharp, bacteria filled chicken claws cutting through my skin and causing some life-threatening bacterial infection.

What I have learned about approaching animals in preparation for some task I need to complete with them, is that I must be very direct with my intentions. Because there is no way for me to directly communicate with the animal, the only thing we have going on between us is Who We Are in the moment: our presence, our body language, our movement, and anything else the animal can pick up on that we humans may not be aware of. 

To do this, it is necessary to check our starting point. For me, in this situation, I could not cloud the interaction with feelings of guilt or remorse, worries of hurting or scaring the animal, projections of the animal hurting me or fears of looking silly. When the interaction is clouded in this way, it becomes confusing, if the animal does not cooperate, the reactions build and the situation becomes tense, unpleasant and more accident-prone.

So I focused on my intention, even speaking it out loud as I was directing myself with the hen. And as all the chickens scurried about, the hen stood still. I approached, leaned over, and simply picked her up. Now, speaking to the hen may seem like a contradiction after having stated there is no direct communication going on between myself and the animal. But the thing is, I was speaking as much for myself as I was for her. Making sure my intentions were clear and focusing on my sound and my words supported me to focus, not on the temptation of my mind to go into the emotions, self-judgments and projections, but on the task at hand: to disinfect the wound, prevent infection and promote healing, which, although would sting, would be in the best interest of the hen in the long run. I brought her into the shed, treated the wound, opened the door and let her out. She promptly ran back to the coop, and my task was complete.

In all my experiences with catching chickens here at the farm, never before has a chicken let me simply approach and pick it up. There is always a chase, a cornering and a bit of a struggle. I will never know if the chicken somehow understood that I was there to help her, although admittedly, that is what I would have liked to believe. But that too, I must let go, otherwise I risk to try to turn it into something special or a bigger deal than what is actually is. If I do this, then I will create expectations to re-live the experience, disappointments when it does not go the same way, fears of losing the experience, and all sorts of other mind-clouding internal energetic noise that will take away from the purity and sincerity of future moments and interactions to come.

Again, these principles would only be of benefit when interacting with others in the human world. How often is our communication clouded with false intent, ulterior motives and secret desires or expectations, which, when unmet, lead us to feeling disappointed with ourselves or the other? When our intentions are clear and in true consideration of the best interest of all parties involved, and when we have not imposed any kind of beliefs of motives into the relationship, we develop real trust, honesty and openness. In a world of corruption, abuse, lies and deceit, we can actually birth a small slice of heaven between us, creating a space where we can express and learn about who we really are and can be, rippling the trust and openness into existence, both existentially if that is how you want to see it, or by example, through our interactions with those in our lives and worlds.

  

Within working with animals over these past 5 months or so, I have seen an improvement with how we interact and work together. So far my successes have come when I check my starting point to make sure I am not only considering myself, to make sure I am clear with my intentions, that I understand what I am doing and have a plan, and lastly, to stand within myself as the authority of myself, not allowing or accepting my mind to scatter in different directions chasing worries, fears, projections and judgments.

It is within these situations of challenge that is presented by working with animals that we are really shown whether or not we have that self-authority that allows us to decide who we are in the moment, or if we rather have a mind that has never been mastered as the tool it actually is or at least, should be. This is a skill, and what I described above with the chicken shows how I am learning how to develop these qualities that create a quality of interaction that extends far beyond chickens and other animals, and into the realm of the human. Without this, we are subject to the chaos of the mind, being pushed and pulled by thoughts and reactions, fears and projections, worries and doubts. We are brought to highs and lows that affect who we are in moments, which then taints our relationships, causing all sorts of unnecessary consequences of varying degrees. 

The animals we are fortunate enough to become close to are a tremendous support in this sense, as they exist in the simplicity of the moment - that quantum, timeless moment where everything exists all at once. And if we accept their invitation, they open the door for us to simply walk through and meet them there.

Note: I am walking a process of self-change using the tools of support offered by www.Desteni.org. I am taking the course called DIP Pro. In this course I learn how to take every day moments and find ways to make myself a better, more understanding and well rounded human being, the kind of human being I would like to see in this world. "Be the change you want to see" is a cool saying, but actually doing it is a bit more confusing because people tend to believe that you can't change human nature. I believe you can, because I have seen myself changing to someone I've always wanted to be. Not there yet, but my motivation is fueled by the proof I have given to myself, which I have documented online every step of the way, in my blogs and on youtube. DIP Pro requires serious dedication and commitment, it is not for the faint of heart. If you want to test the waters for yourself, try the Lite version, it's called DIP Lite, and the best part is, it's free! Why? Because Desteni puts individual self-change above profit. Why does DIP Pro cost money? Because it costs money to exist in this world, and takes a dedicated team to run the program. Otherwise it would also be free.
Visit www.Desteni.org

Day 71- Falling in the Face of Confrontation

 Falling in the Face of Confrontation - Why does it happen?

Within this blog I am going to be looking at three events that occurred within which I experienced myself as fearful in relation to people.

Ever since I can remember I was very shy within and as the experience of ‘fear’ towards people. This fear has many dimensions, which I will look at one by one, beginning with the ‘fear of confrontation.’ This fear exists even before a confrontation occurs, due to the ‘potential’ for a confrontation to occur. The fear is that, when in a confrontation, I fear the other person will ‘take my power away’, and restrain/restrict/control me through their reactions towards me.

I have already realized that this is self-created, because when I looked at it I see that I ‘fear’ the reaction of others, thus I take my own power away by restraining/restricting/controlling myself, in an attempt to avoid getting a ‘negative’ reaction from people, which I express in a realization I made here:

“I see some relationships here… between my accepting/allowing myself to 'feel bad' when others are angry/irritated/annoyed, and also to me restraining/controlling/restricting myself but making 'them' responsible within thinking it's 'them' that has the power to take my power away, but really I'm trying to avoid 'feeling bad' by never upsetting anyone- thus restraining/controlling/restricting myself.”

I realize now that this is self-created, and it is I who is giving my power away (“power” meaning- the ability to do/be myself/express myself/speak up/feel comfortable, etc…), however, throughout my life, within not taking responsibility for this within the belief that it is ‘people’ ‘out there’ ‘doing this’ ‘to me,’ I effectively lived within the fear of upsetting anyone within the belief that ‘they’ had this power. This manifested as me being very quiet, suppressing myself (restraining/controlling/restricting myself) so as not to upset anyone, thus- ‘shyness,’ and also, being very aware of what I am doing and how I am being and how others are reacting. Another outflow of this is keeping to myself, not sharing myself, my values/principles etc… not drawing attention to what is important to me. Also, I would participate as aprojected version of myself, as the characters I have designed that do not upset the waters, that are ‘agreeable’, ‘nice’, ‘always flexible’ and other personalities along these lines.

I understand that it is not to now become ‘mean’, ‘rigid’ and ‘dis-agreeable’, or unnecessarily confrontational, but rather to change my starting point to minimizing conflict for practical purposes, and not because of avoidance, suppression and/or fear. And to be a decent human being who works well with others because that is how I would like others to be with me, not because I’m trying not to upset anyone.

So I will begin by looking at three events that occurred recently in order to open the point up and then look at how I created this entire experience for myself.

Event 1)

I recently experienced the ‘fear of confrontation’ when I was going camping. I haven’t seen many of the people I was going camping with for a while and have not had much communication with them. I am, however, connected to them online through several social network sites, which I post a lot of material/personal writing/videos which I am aware can get a reaction. My fear was that any number of these people could have seen something I posted or wrote, and become angry and/or defensive about it. Or someone could be following me online without my knowing, and secretly be developing a hatred towards me because of what I’m doing, what I support or what I post publicly. I notice I had the desire to be extra ‘normal’, at times I was very aware of how people were interacting with me, as I was wondering if a negative reaction to me was the result of what I stand for or if it was really about the issue at hand. On the way there I also felt a little apprehensive about walking into and living so closely with such a big group all day and night, although it all turned out to be one of the most fun times I had in a while, and I would like to do it again.

So the main points are the fear/apprehension before the event, the heightened sensitivity during the event, and the lingering fear after the event, like “I can’t believe it went so well- did I miss something?”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people because I fear potential confrontation with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear confrontation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear confrontation because I think/believe it can/will take my power away, meaning- cause me to hide/suppress myself, to restrict/restrain/control myself instead of expressing myself as who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that others outside of me have the ability to take my power away, and to stop me from doing/being who I am because they may get angry/frustrated, irritated or annoyed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that when others react in anger/frustration/annoyance/irritation, that it is because I’m bad/wrong/out of line, or that it’s my fault/responsibility in any way shape or form.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I ‘cause’ others to react as they do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the reaction of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe the reactions of others dictates who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become a slave to the potential/possible reactions of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to the whim of others due to fear of how they might react to me, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change who/how I am in order to avoid ‘causing’ others to react negatively towards me.

To be continued…

Day 15- Anger Reactions

Today I reacted in anger when someone grew angry towards me, because I said something that the person was sensitive about. The person looked me right in the eyes and confronted me. I feared the confrontation, and instead of standing up from within that fear I grew angry. I projected this anger onto the person instead of taking self-responsibility for it by realizing that I am only angry at myself for not sticking up for myself due to fear of confrontation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak haphazardly, using many words without considering their consequences and impact upon those around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak words without considering whether or not I can stand by them eternally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a conversation because I found it funny, somewhat at the expense of another person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger and project it on to another, using the excuse that THEY aren’t taking responsibility for their emotions/reactions and are projecting onto me, when I am in fact doing this very thing myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my emotions/feelings/reactions in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger towards another instead of realizing that I am only angry with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear confrontation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for fearing confrontation instead of standing up from within that fear and changing it.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand by the words I speak/speak words I can stand by.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear confrontation because I fear I won’t stand up for myself and will thus end up frustrated and disappointed in myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become frustrated and disappointed with myself when I don’t stand up for me, instead of facing myself in forgiveness, figuring out why I feel these things, rescripting myself and walking the change over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up for myself because of uncertainty, wherein I feel uncertain whether what I am standing up for and as is valid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to stand up to things/issues/situations in which I am standing up from within an energetic experience, wherein I am standing up in defense of my own ego/ideas/limitations/beliefs, instead of standing up as myself as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to access all the memories I have of times I allowed others to use me/walk on me in moments where I did not stand up for me, wherein I become angry at myself instead of forgiving myself in order that I may never allow myself to go into inferiority again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act thoughtlessly, not without thought, but within too much thought, wherein I become distracted and ‘lost in thought’ when and as I act, so that if someone questions what I’ve done or why I’ve done something, it takes me a long time to remember why I did it, and in the time it takes me to remember I go into guilt and inferiority, just assuming that I’ve done something wrong, this creates a sense of self-victimization where I feel wrongly accused,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within inferiority and self-victimization which brings me into an energetic state within which I think/believe/perceive I am weak and I can’t stand up, instead of breathing through it within the realization that it is not real, only a self-created delusion that limits, diminishes and does not serve me.

I realize that when I speak words I cannot stand by, it’s like a form of self-sabotage which creates situations that I can get called out in, which sends me into all sorts of reactions such as anger, self-victimization and inferiority. I realize this is completely avoidable, and I commit myself to act within presence and awareness oneness and equality, in every moment.

I realize it is not necessary to stand up from within energetic experiences where I am feeling ‘defensive’ and standing up for and as my mind/ego/ideas, I commit myself to be self-honest in these situations.

I realize that when I act ‘thoughtlessly’ I will create a situation or guilt and inferiority for myself, I commit myself to bring myself back to awareness in these moments, wherein I bring myself back to awareness in order that  I may see what I’ve done so as not to repeat it.

I realize that the weakness of inferiority and self-victimization is not real, and I commit myself to stand up from within these energetic experiences until I have proven to me that they no longer exist within and as me.

When and as I see myself not standing up for me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness by doing a self-check. I check to see if I am defending my mind/ego, to see if I have acted thoughtlessly or spoken words that I cannot stand by, I check to see if I am in inferiority or self-victimization and I stop my participation from within these patterns. I remind myself to remain self-honest and humble, so that I may either walk through my consequences without reaction, or stand up for myself as life.