I wrote this blog over the past two
days; I went over my last blog in order to see, realize and understand this
point of fear of confrontation which leads to social anxieties and the belief
that people have some kind of power over me that affects the way I experience
myself. Within this blog I am re-scripting myself in order to take my power
back and direct myself through social situations, rather than being a slave to
my fears, reactions beliefs, hopes and desires (specifically, within this
blog, within social situations).
In italics are the specific
self-forgiveness statements from which I derive my self-commitments and
self-corrective applications. The self-forgiveness statements come from a
specific event that I wrote out and took apart in days 71 and 72- it was an
event in which I experienced the specific fears/anxieties I have developed over
time. Within ‘taking it apart’ through self-forgiveness, I am able to see how I
created the fears and anxieties, why I participate within and as them, and how
I can stop this and walk through these situations within and as self-expression
instead.
Day 73-
Self-Forgiveness:
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to fear confrontation because I think/believe it can/will take my power
away, meaning- cause me to hide/suppress myself, to restrict/restrain/control
myself instead of expressing myself as who I am.”
Self-Commitment:
I commit myself to continue to walk into
social situations and breathe through reactions of wanting to
hide/suppress/restrict/control myself as they come up. I also commit myself to
investigate the reactions that influence me, through writing, self-forgiveness
and self-corrective application.
Self-Corrective Application:
When and as I experience myself as the fears
that cause me to react in wanting to hide/suppress/restrict/control myself I
stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization
that the reaction is only momentary, and I direct myself to, when and as the
experience arises, take a moment to myself, to silently ground myself Here, and
in that moment, determine for myself Who I Am, instead of looking
at/interpreting myself through others.
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to think/believe that others outside of me have the ability to take my
power away, and to stop me from doing/being who I am because they may get
angry/frustrated, irritated or annoyed.”
I commit myself to take my power back by
dedicating myself to walk the process to no longer accepting/allowing myself to
be influenced by the reactions of others through walking out of reactions and
into self-trust, self-commitment and self-direction.
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to think/believe/perceive that when others react in
anger/frustration/annoyance/irritation, that it is because I’m bad/wrong/out of
line, or that it’s my fault/responsibility in any way shape or form.”
I see, realize and understand that I am in no way responsible for what goes on
inside the minds of others, as only each one is responsible for his/her
internal experience, and that if I in any way ‘cause’ another to react, it is
in fact them reflecting themselves/seeing something of themselves within me.
I commit myself to sever and discard of any
relationships I have developed between other people’s reactions and my
self-definition.
When and as I see that I am basing my
self-definition/experience of myself on the reactions of others I stop, and I
breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that
others do not determine who or how I am, but rather I am responsible for my own
internal experience. I remind myself that I am not bad/wrong/out of
line/responsible/at fault, no, I am forgiven, and I can and will move on and
continue to walk with/as myself.
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to think/believe the reactions of others dictates who I am.”
I commit myself to direct myself as Who I Am,
moment to moment, breath to breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to project my thoughts/ideas/imaginations/fantasies as ‘worst case
scenarios’ of how people will react into the future, and then fear them (the
projections), thus accepting and allowing myself to change my behaviour, in
essence restraining/restricting/controlling myself in ways in which I
think/believe/perceive will avoid such worst-case-scenarios which only ever
existed in my mind.
I commit myself to walk myself out of my mind
and into the physical in order that I may express myself freely without the
restriction/restraining/controlling of self that only happens within and as the
mind.
When and as I see that I am future-projecting
creating false fears to haunt/distract myself with I stop and I breathe. I
bring myself back to presence and awareness within/through stopping my
participation in such thoughts as projections and bringing myself back to
breath by becoming aware of my breathing, and reminding myself that such
thoughts/projections are not necessary, they are self-sabotage and they do not
serve me.
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to think/believe that if conflict were to occur, that my power could be
taken away, based on past memories/acceptances/allowances wherein I had
actually created this as a reality through taking my own power away by
abdicating my responsibility to myself through blaming others for how I felt
inside and how I chose to behave/react/handle the situation.”
I commit myself to taking my power back by
taking self-responsibility for who and how I am internally and externally by
stopping blaming others for how I behave/react/handle situations.
When and as I see that I am blaming others for
how I’m feeling, for example, when I am trying to present myself as ‘extra
normal,’ ‘quiet’, ‘reserved,’ or ‘subdued’ (or the polarity experiences) within
a conscious or subconscious image of people connected to the thought of them
being upset with me, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to my physical body
by reminding myself that it’s not what I do, it’s who I am within what I do.
Within this, I see, realize and understand that it’s ok for me to be quiet,
subdued, or reserved so long as it is self-directed, wherein, when and
as I see that I am in the mind fearing upsetting someone I take a moment to
myself to breathe and become aware of myself and my body and remind myself that
I Am Here.
I allow myself to walk in self-trust and
self-direction, fearlessly into and through any situation.
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to base Who I Am on past memories/experiences instead of taking the
self-responsibility to create Who I Am in every moment of breath.”
I commit myself to stop falling back to the
comfort of old patterns and habits, and to instead create myself as a
self-honest, self-directive being through writing out the memories I hang on to
and re-experience, forgiving myself for accepting/allowing them to exist
within/as me and influence me, and instead walk into and as self-direction.
When and as I see that I am walking into a
social situation within the experience of ‘shyness,’ ‘dread’, ‘fear’ and
restraint/restriction/control simply because ‘that’s how it’s always been,’ I
stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself
that there is a choice, and that I can, within one breath, decide to walk in
self-expression as Who I Am, Here.
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to fear walking into situations where I will be in contact with people
because I am walking within and as the mind of
ideas/thoughts/beliefs/fears/projections/fantasies/imaginations that I create
and terrorize myself with, instead of walking within and as self-trust.”
I commit myself to stopping existing within
and as the limitations of the mind in order to instead free myself as complete
self-expression without fear or limitation (except of course, the practical
limitations of physical reality).
I
commit myself to stop terrorizing myself with my mind.
I
commit myself to stop living in fear.
Day 74-
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to restrict/restrain/control myself within and as the constant
apprehension I exist within and as due to the self-created fear of potential
conflict in social situations, instead of letting go and existing in the
moment, within the understanding that I will deal with conflict if/when it
arises within common sense and using practical solutions.”
I commit myself to stand up within
conflict/confrontation, and to direct myself through conflict/confrontation as
Who I Am as common sense and practicality, instead of falling into a reactive
state directed by the mind of fear.
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to give friends/family the power to accept/reject me by accepting and
allowing others to determine if I accept/reject myself, because if I accept
myself unconditionally then it doesn’t matter if others accept or reject me.”
I commit myself to walk the process of
unconditional self-acceptance.
When and as I see myself worrying about
whether I will be accepted or not I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that I
accept me, and that I will always have myself, a self that forgives and accepts
me within the understanding that I Will Change that which I cannot accept.
“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to define myself and my self-acceptance within and through interpreting
how I am reflected back to myself by/through others outside of me, instead of
deciding Who I Am and Creating myself moment to moment.”
I
commit myself to stop defining myself based on what others think or how they
act around me, and to instead direct myself towards self-honesty no matter what
others may think.
When and as I see that I am looking to the
reaction of others to determine/decide whether who/how I am is acceptable/desirable
or not, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to Self-direction within the
realization that the minds of ‘others’ in no way represents a stable or
rational standard, and that it would actually be impossible to ever achieve
self-acceptance this way. Thus, I direct myself to the standard of
self-honesty, oneness and equality wherein I can determine if who/how I am is
acceptable by asking myself: “Am I being self-honest,” “Am I treating others as
I would like to be treated/giving as I would like to receive,” and “am I doingwhat’s best for all?”
“I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a negative reaction from
others.”
“Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others will become
angry and/or defensive about something I’ve posted online.”
I
commit myself to post only that which I understand and can stand by, and I
commit myself to stand by what I share in person or online, as it is a
statement of Who I Am as Who I Direct Myself to Be and Become. This is my
choice.
“I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that
someone/others are following me online without letting me know, and secretly
developing a hatred towards me.”
Icommit myself to stop distracting myself with the unlimited potential
thought/reactions others could be having towards me. Within this, I commit
myself to continue walking my process for me, as me, without changing me
depending on what others might or might not be thinking.
When
and as I see that I am distracting myself with hopes that others will hear the
message of Desteni, and stand up and change through walking this process ofself-change through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application,
or distracting myself with fears of ‘worst case scenario’ play outs, I stop,
and I breathe. I bring myself back into focus by immediately deleting the
thoughts or writing them out when necessary, within the realization that I have
decided that I Will Not allow myself to be directed by secret hopes/fears, but
will rather focus on me, my process, my change and my responsibility to myself
and to all. I bring myself back to whatever it is that I am busy with, and
decide breath by breath, how to continue walking forward without the influence
of hopes/fears, and instead with the guiding principles of doing what’s best
for all, as all are equal and one, as I correct myself and my living to
be/become a human being that cares and considers the rest of Life that shares
the earth with me as my equals.
I
see, realize and understand that neither hope nor fear is ‘bigger’ than me, in
that it does not have power over me, but I rather create it, thus I am equal to
it and one with it, thus I have the power to stop it and change it to
self-directive living.
“I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others hating me.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on whether or
not others hate/like me.
I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire others to
like/accept/approve of me and what I do.
I forgivemyself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I need approval
and/or validation to do/be/express myself.”
When
and as I see that I am changing myself/my personality/my body language etc...
in order to get approval/acceptance/validation from others I stop, and I
breathe. I bring myself back to walking myself into self-expression by focusing
on my breath and my physical body, in order to assess what is a comfortable
posture, what exactly am I expressing and who exactly I ‘m trying to be in
order to apply self-honesty and express only Who I Am as who and how I direct
myself to be/become.
I
accept and allow myself to assist and support myself and my physical body, and
I do not accept or allow myself to use these things to manipulate myself or
others or the situation within self-interest in order to obtain an outcome that
suits me.
I
commit myself to deal with an outcome of any situation within and as
self-honesty, and to direct the situation if/when I am able to stand as
self-trust and absolute self-direction with no outside or internal influences.
“Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘look for’ signs to confirm
my worst social fears, which are that people will
hate/reject/disapprove/invalidate me, by being/becoming ‘extra sensitive’ to
how people are behaving around me, wherein I look for and fear any little sign
of hate, rejection, disapproval, or invalidation because I as my mind am
looking to feed/fulfill the fear energy within/as me.”
When
and as I see that I am looking for signs in others or in the behaviour of
others in order to confirm my ‘worst fears’ in terms of being
rejected/disapproved of/invalidated/confronted I stop and I breathe. I take myself
back from my fears by stopping my participation within and as this behavior because
I see/realize/understand that all I require to do is stand within and as my own
self-worth, acceptance, approval, validation and self-trust. And within and
through understanding myself and my own mind I will better understand why
others might not accept/approve/validate me, or why they might feel
confrontational around me, so that I can stand equal to and one with them no
matter how they choose to interact with me.
When
and as I see that I am feeling ‘extra sensitive’ to the behaviours of others, I
stop and I breathe. I remind myself that I am being directed within/as my mind
of fears, and thus I cannot trust myself to make decisions or take a firm and
stable stance in that moment, and so I direct myself to instead focus on
breathing and walking myself out of the mind and back to Here.
I
commit myself to take a moment to take a breath and walk myself out of my
participation in energy (specifically in this case fear) before I speak and
engage with others in my world.
