Day 83- Why I Can't Make A Decision

Within this blog I am writing out the self-forgiveness statements to understand and release myself from the approval-seeking character, which manifests indecisiveness, frustration, second guessing myself, and making decisions that I can’t stand by in my life.

This character is described in greater detail in my last blog: Day 82- I Can’t Make A Decision.

In the blogs to follow, I will take apart this point with the tool of self-forgiveness, in order to understand it so that I can stop participating in this character and eventually stop, and change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created and manifested myself as an approval-seeking character throughout my life as a way of ‘getting out of’ making my own decisions, and not having to take responsibility for the decisions I end up making, wherein, they are not my decisions, but rather the decisions of the majority of people whom I’ve talked to about them.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that, in order to be the directive principle within my own life, I have to make my own decisions based in/as self-honesty and practical common-sense in alignment with what’s best for all and what’s best for myself as all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my decision making power to others outside of me, by seeking validation and approval for who I am and what I choose to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others by thinking/believing /perceiving that I require validation/approval to do and be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow frustrated within myself because I blame myself for not being able to make clear decisions that I can stand by/within, because I haven’t realized that I am giving my decision-making power away by making my decisions contingent on which I think/believe have the greatest approval from the most important/majority of people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others when I make decisions that don’t work out or that I can’t stand by because I consciously or subconsciously believed they were responsible due to the fact that I made the decision contingent upon what I thought would gain their approval, or what they appeared to consider valid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take credit for decisions that worked out, knowing that I was not entirely responsible for the decision, thus conning myself about Who I Really Am, and CONvincing myself that I am something that I’m not, thus setting myself up to exist within and as the FEAR that I will be found out, instead of realizing only I can ‘find me out’ and call myself out in order to stop and give myself back my power to make clear decision that I can test out for myself, take complete responsibility for and stand by.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk about my choices/decision with others form a starting point of trying to CONvince them that the choice I want to make is the right choice, and secretly trying to get them to agree with me, thus validate/approve of my choice so that I can appease myself within the belief that ‘it is the right choice because another has validated/approved of it for me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the power/courage to make my own choices.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am incapable of making the ‘right’ decision, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ decision, only decisions that are in alignment with what is best for me as all, and those that are not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making decisions, for fear that they will turn out poorly, and I will be ‘proven’ and ‘confirmed’ that I do not know  what’s best for me, or that I cannot stick by and stand within the decisions I make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek approval and validation for my decisions from a starting point of laziness and non-commitment, wherein, if I gain validation and approval, then I don’t have to face the fact that I was lazy or didn’t apply myself to commit to the decision, because then I can just use the excuse that ‘they’ were wrong and ‘that’s why it didn’t work out.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as laziness within the excuse that ‘making decisions work out is hard’, and then not really making any decisions or commitments because that is the easy thing to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not commit to decisions because of the fear that they will fail and because it’s easier to sabotage myself and make the decision fail because at least then I feel like I have control and it was my will, instead of trying and then failing- because then I would feel like I didn’t have control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to experience myself as ‘in control’ by manipulating the outcomes of decisions through self-sabotage.

Self-commitment statements to follow.

 

Day 82- I can't make a Decision

I am taking a pause from my last blog in order to address a point that came up.

 Within this blog I am going to be looking at myself as an approval seeking character. I find I play this character particularly when it comes time to decision-making; no matter what the size or importance of the decision, from which outfit to wear to who I am going to spend my life with.  It manifests as an indecisiveness and frustration wherein I seek approval and validation for my decisions by talking about them and trying to convince others that I am doing the right thing or making the right choice.

            Obviously this does not end with me making a well thought out decision that’s best for me and best for all. Also, the actions that stem from that decision end up being actions that I find difficult to stand within, because I am not completely responsible for the decision in the first place.  Responsibility plays another role within this character, wherein I abdicate my responsibility to myself and the decisions I make by making others responsible for them. This occurs when I take advice or seek approval/validation and base my decisions on that, instead of taking my own reality and who I am into consideration and making a decision based on these factors, without outside influence.

            Of course it’s cool to get other’s perspectives and hear what others have to say about the choices we are confronted with, but in the end, the choice had to be made for self, by self.

            In the blogs to follow, I will take apart this point with the tool of self-forgiveness, in order to understand it so that I can stop participating in this character and eventiually stop, and change.

Day 73 & 74- Falling in the Face of Confrontation: Self-Commitments and Self-Corrective Application

            I wrote this blog over the past two days; I went over my last blog in order to see, realize and understand this point of fear of confrontation which leads to social anxieties and the belief that people have some kind of power over me that affects the way I experience myself. Within this blog I am re-scripting myself in order to take my power back and direct myself through social situations, rather than being a slave to my fears, reactions beliefs, hopes and desires (specifically, within this blog, within social situations).

            In italics are the specific self-forgiveness statements from which I derive my self-commitments and self-corrective applications. The self-forgiveness statements come from a specific event that I wrote out and took apart in days 71 and 72- it was an event in which I experienced the specific fears/anxieties I have developed over time. Within ‘taking it apart’ through self-forgiveness, I am able to see how I created the fears and anxieties, why I participate within and as them, and how I can stop this and walk through these situations within and as self-expression instead.

 

Day 73-

Self-Forgiveness:

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear confrontation because I think/believe it can/will take my power away, meaning- cause me to hide/suppress myself, to restrict/restrain/control myself instead of expressing myself as who I am.”

Self-Commitment:

I commit myself to continue to walk into social situations and breathe through reactions of wanting to hide/suppress/restrict/control myself as they come up. I also commit myself to investigate the reactions that influence me, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

Self-Corrective Application:

When and as I experience myself as the fears that cause me to react in wanting to hide/suppress/restrict/control myself I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that the reaction is only momentary, and I direct myself to, when and as the experience arises, take a moment to myself, to silently ground myself Here, and in that moment, determine for myself Who I Am, instead of looking at/interpreting myself through others.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that others outside of me have the ability to take my power away, and to stop me from doing/being who I am because they may get angry/frustrated, irritated or annoyed.”

I commit myself to take my power back by dedicating myself to walk the process to no longer accepting/allowing myself to be influenced by the reactions of others through walking out of reactions and into self-trust, self-commitment and self-direction.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that when others react in anger/frustration/annoyance/irritation, that it is because I’m bad/wrong/out of line, or that it’s my fault/responsibility in any way shape or form.”

I see, realize and understand that I  am in no way responsible for what goes on inside the minds of others, as only each one is responsible for his/her internal experience, and that if I in any way ‘cause’ another to react, it is in fact them reflecting themselves/seeing something of themselves within me.

I commit myself to sever and discard of any relationships I have developed between other people’s reactions and my self-definition.

When and as I see that I am basing my self-definition/experience of myself on the reactions of others I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that others do not determine who or how I am, but rather I am responsible for my own internal experience. I remind myself that I am not bad/wrong/out of line/responsible/at fault, no, I am forgiven, and I can and will move on and continue to walk with/as myself.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe the reactions of others dictates who I am.”

I commit myself to direct myself as Who I Am, moment to moment, breath to breath.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my thoughts/ideas/imaginations/fantasies as ‘worst case scenarios’ of how people will react into the future, and then fear them (the projections), thus accepting and allowing myself to change my behaviour, in essence restraining/restricting/controlling myself in ways in which I think/believe/perceive will avoid such worst-case-scenarios which only ever existed in my mind.

I commit myself to walk myself out of my mind and into the physical in order that I may express myself freely without the restriction/restraining/controlling of self that only happens within and as the mind.

When and as I see that I am future-projecting creating false fears to haunt/distract myself with I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to presence and awareness within/through stopping my participation in such thoughts as projections and bringing myself back to breath by becoming aware of my breathing, and reminding myself that such thoughts/projections are not necessary, they are self-sabotage and they do not serve me.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that if conflict were to occur, that my power could be taken away, based on past memories/acceptances/allowances wherein I had actually created this as a reality through taking my own power away by abdicating my responsibility to myself through blaming others for how I felt inside and how I chose to behave/react/handle the situation.”

I commit myself to taking my power back by taking self-responsibility for who and how I am internally and externally by stopping blaming others for how I behave/react/handle situations.

When and as I see that I am blaming others for how I’m feeling, for example, when I am trying to present myself as ‘extra normal,’ ‘quiet’, ‘reserved,’ or ‘subdued’ (or the polarity experiences) within a conscious or subconscious image of people connected to the thought of them being upset with me, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to my physical body by reminding myself that it’s not what I do, it’s who I am within what I do. Within this, I see, realize and understand that it’s ok for me to be quiet, subdued, or reserved so long as it is self-directed, wherein, when and as I see that I am in the mind fearing upsetting someone I take a moment to myself to breathe and become aware of myself and my body and remind myself that I Am Here.

I allow myself to walk in self-trust and self-direction, fearlessly into and through any situation.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base Who I Am on past memories/experiences instead of taking the self-responsibility to create Who I Am in every moment of breath.”

I commit myself to stop falling back to the comfort of old patterns and habits, and to instead create myself as a self-honest, self-directive being through writing out the memories I hang on to and re-experience, forgiving myself for accepting/allowing them to exist within/as me and influence me, and instead walk into and as self-direction.

When and as I see that I am walking into a social situation within the experience of ‘shyness,’ ‘dread’, ‘fear’ and restraint/restriction/control simply because ‘that’s how it’s always been,’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that there is a choice, and that I can, within one breath, decide to walk in self-expression as Who I Am, Here.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear walking into situations where I will be in contact with people because I am walking within and as the mind of ideas/thoughts/beliefs/fears/projections/fantasies/imaginations that I create and terrorize myself with, instead of walking within and as self-trust.”

I commit myself to stopping existing within and as the limitations of the mind in order to instead free myself as complete self-expression without fear or limitation (except of course, the practical limitations of physical reality).

I commit myself to stop terrorizing myself with my mind.

I commit myself to stop living in fear.

Day 74-
 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrict/restrain/control myself within and as the constant apprehension I exist within and as due to the self-created fear of potential conflict in social situations, instead of letting go and existing in the moment, within the understanding that I will deal with conflict if/when it arises within common sense and using practical solutions.”

I commit myself to stand up within conflict/confrontation, and to direct myself through conflict/confrontation as Who I Am as common sense and practicality, instead of falling into a reactive state directed by the mind of fear.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give friends/family the power to accept/reject me by accepting and allowing others to determine if I accept/reject myself, because if I accept myself unconditionally then it doesn’t matter if others accept or reject me.”

I commit myself to walk the process of unconditional self-acceptance.

When and as I see myself worrying about whether I will be accepted or not I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that I accept me, and that I will always have myself, a self that forgives and accepts me within the understanding that I Will Change that which I cannot accept.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and my self-acceptance within and through interpreting how I am reflected back to myself by/through others outside of me, instead of deciding Who I Am and Creating myself moment to moment.”

I commit myself to stop defining myself based on what others think or how they act around me, and to instead direct myself towards self-honesty no matter what others may think.

 

When and as I see that I am looking to the reaction of others to determine/decide whether who/how I am is acceptable/desirable or not, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to Self-direction within the realization that the minds of ‘others’ in no way represents a stable or rational standard, and that it would actually be impossible to ever achieve self-acceptance this way. Thus, I direct myself to the standard of self-honesty, oneness and equality wherein I can determine if who/how I am is acceptable by asking myself: “Am I being self-honest,” “Am I treating others as I would like to be treated/giving as I would like to receive,” and “am I doingwhat’s best for all?”

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a negative reaction from others.”

                  I commit myself to taking myself back from having lived a life of abdicating myself-responsibility to my fears.

 

“Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others will become angry and/or defensive about something I’ve posted online.”

                  I commit myself to post only that which I understand and can stand by, and I commit myself to stand by what I share in person or online, as it is a statement of Who I Am as Who I Direct Myself to Be and Become. This is my choice.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that someone/others are following me online without letting me know, and secretly developing a hatred towards me.”

                  Icommit myself to stop distracting myself with the unlimited potential thought/reactions others could be having towards me. Within this, I commit myself to continue walking my process for me, as me, without changing me depending on what others might or might not be thinking.

                  When and as I see that I am distracting myself with hopes that others will hear the message of Desteni, and stand up and change through walking this process ofself-change through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, or distracting myself with fears of ‘worst case scenario’ play outs, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into focus by immediately deleting the thoughts or writing them out when necessary, within the realization that I have decided that I Will Not allow myself to be directed by secret hopes/fears, but will rather focus on me, my process, my change and my responsibility to myself and to all. I bring myself back to whatever it is that I am busy with, and decide breath by breath, how to continue walking forward without the influence of hopes/fears, and instead with the guiding principles of doing what’s best for all, as all are equal and one, as I correct myself and my living to be/become a human being that cares and considers the rest of Life that shares the earth with me as my equals.

                  I see, realize and understand that neither hope nor fear is ‘bigger’ than me, in that it does not have power over me, but I rather create it, thus I am equal to it and one with it, thus I have the power to stop it and change it to self-directive living.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others hating me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on whether or not others hate/like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire others to like/accept/approve of me and what I do.

I forgivemyself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I need approval and/or validation to do/be/express myself.”

                  I commit myself to effectively stop accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on what I think others might think of me, through taking responsibility for my internal experience and the reactions I have when I am in the presence of certain specific people/situations- taking responsibility by understanding why/how/what it is I  experience within myself, because within understanding it I can trace it back to the root cause,forgive myself for it, and change.

                  When and as I see that I am changing myself/my personality/my body language etc... in order to get approval/acceptance/validation from others I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to walking myself into self-expression by focusing on my breath and my physical body, in order to assess what is a comfortable posture, what exactly am I expressing and who exactly I ‘m trying to be in order to apply self-honesty and express only Who I Am as who and how I direct myself to be/become.

                  I accept and allow myself to assist and support myself and my physical body, and I do not accept or allow myself to use these things to manipulate myself or others or the situation within self-interest in order to obtain an outcome that suits me.

                  I commit myself to deal with an outcome of any situation within and as self-honesty, and to direct the situation if/when I am able to stand as self-trust and absolute self-direction with no outside or internal influences.

 

“Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘look for’ signs to confirm my worst social fears, which are that people will hate/reject/disapprove/invalidate me, by being/becoming ‘extra sensitive’ to how people are behaving around me, wherein I look for and fear any little sign of hate, rejection, disapproval, or invalidation because I as my mind am looking to feed/fulfill the fear energy within/as me.”

                  When and as I see that I am looking for signs in others or in the behaviour of others in order to confirm my ‘worst fears’ in terms of being rejected/disapproved of/invalidated/confronted I stop and I breathe. I take myself back from my fears by stopping my participation within and as this behavior because I see/realize/understand that all I require to do is stand within and as my own self-worth, acceptance, approval, validation and self-trust. And within and through understanding myself and my own mind I will better understand why others might not accept/approve/validate me, or why they might feel confrontational around me, so that I can stand equal to and one with them no matter how they choose to interact with me.

                  When and as I see that I am feeling ‘extra sensitive’ to the behaviours of others, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that I am being directed within/as my mind of fears, and thus I cannot trust myself to make decisions or take a firm and stable stance in that moment, and so I direct myself to instead focus on breathing and walking myself out of the mind and back to Here.

                  I commit myself to take a moment to take a breath and walk myself out of my participation in energy (specifically in this case fear) before I speak and engage with others in my world.