Day 83- Why I Can't Make A Decision

Within this blog I am writing out the self-forgiveness statements to understand and release myself from the approval-seeking character, which manifests indecisiveness, frustration, second guessing myself, and making decisions that I can’t stand by in my life.

This character is described in greater detail in my last blog: Day 82- I Can’t Make A Decision.

In the blogs to follow, I will take apart this point with the tool of self-forgiveness, in order to understand it so that I can stop participating in this character and eventually stop, and change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created and manifested myself as an approval-seeking character throughout my life as a way of ‘getting out of’ making my own decisions, and not having to take responsibility for the decisions I end up making, wherein, they are not my decisions, but rather the decisions of the majority of people whom I’ve talked to about them.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that, in order to be the directive principle within my own life, I have to make my own decisions based in/as self-honesty and practical common-sense in alignment with what’s best for all and what’s best for myself as all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my decision making power to others outside of me, by seeking validation and approval for who I am and what I choose to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others by thinking/believing /perceiving that I require validation/approval to do and be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow frustrated within myself because I blame myself for not being able to make clear decisions that I can stand by/within, because I haven’t realized that I am giving my decision-making power away by making my decisions contingent on which I think/believe have the greatest approval from the most important/majority of people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others when I make decisions that don’t work out or that I can’t stand by because I consciously or subconsciously believed they were responsible due to the fact that I made the decision contingent upon what I thought would gain their approval, or what they appeared to consider valid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take credit for decisions that worked out, knowing that I was not entirely responsible for the decision, thus conning myself about Who I Really Am, and CONvincing myself that I am something that I’m not, thus setting myself up to exist within and as the FEAR that I will be found out, instead of realizing only I can ‘find me out’ and call myself out in order to stop and give myself back my power to make clear decision that I can test out for myself, take complete responsibility for and stand by.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk about my choices/decision with others form a starting point of trying to CONvince them that the choice I want to make is the right choice, and secretly trying to get them to agree with me, thus validate/approve of my choice so that I can appease myself within the belief that ‘it is the right choice because another has validated/approved of it for me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the power/courage to make my own choices.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am incapable of making the ‘right’ decision, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ decision, only decisions that are in alignment with what is best for me as all, and those that are not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making decisions, for fear that they will turn out poorly, and I will be ‘proven’ and ‘confirmed’ that I do not know  what’s best for me, or that I cannot stick by and stand within the decisions I make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek approval and validation for my decisions from a starting point of laziness and non-commitment, wherein, if I gain validation and approval, then I don’t have to face the fact that I was lazy or didn’t apply myself to commit to the decision, because then I can just use the excuse that ‘they’ were wrong and ‘that’s why it didn’t work out.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as laziness within the excuse that ‘making decisions work out is hard’, and then not really making any decisions or commitments because that is the easy thing to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not commit to decisions because of the fear that they will fail and because it’s easier to sabotage myself and make the decision fail because at least then I feel like I have control and it was my will, instead of trying and then failing- because then I would feel like I didn’t have control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to experience myself as ‘in control’ by manipulating the outcomes of decisions through self-sabotage.

Self-commitment statements to follow.

 

Day 26 - What is Left After Love?

Day 26- What is Left After Love?

            After the realization that everything and all that I have been up to this point has been based on the pursuit of internal experiences of myself in relation to all that’s Here, without a consideration for actually reality and the others within it, instead of being One with all that’s Here, within consideration of all (everything and everyone) I am left wondering, what’s next? What come after this? Specifically, and as a first step, what is beyond ‘love’ in a relationship, once one realizes that the entire conception of ‘love’ is based on self-interest (in terms of concerning oneself only with their internal self-experience) and manipulation (trying to control one’s own internal self-experience by manipulating one’s environment and the others within it).

What happens after the realization that I have based my self-definition in terms of my relationship within my ability to love, or to ‘make’ someone feel ‘loved’ (within the realization that I do not actually have that power), and within and as my perception/idea/belief in /as another’s desire for me and for my love, only to find out that, their internal experience has nothing really to do with me, nor mine with them? For me, this shatters the illusion of two co-dependent beings in a relationship where each completes the other, giving it apparent purpose, meaning and worth, and calling the co-dependency ‘love’. What exists between two whole beings that don’t need each other to fulfill of complete each other- what exists between two independent beings that can provide for themselves?

            When I got back home after two years away at school, my husband and I realized something: we don’t NEED each other. We had both been through a lot, and because of the situation, we HAD to go through it alone, whereas before that, we always had each other to lean on. Little did we know, we had become each other’s crutch, and in that, dis-abled each other by developing a dependence for/on each other. Now I’m home after a long time, I was expecting our relationship to return to the comfort and security of co-dependence, but what I realized is that, we’ve changed. There’s no going back from the realization that you can take care of yourself and you are all you need. I mean, I suppose there is, but I can’t imagine wanting to.

            However, there is a little adjusting I need to do here. I have gone through several stages within this change, and I would like to address them so that I can release them and continue forward, building myself so that my relationship can be built upon the solid foundation of two whole beings, who CHOOSE to be together due to the mutual enjoyment of each other, due to the mutual commitment made to one another, and the mutual support we are able to provide each other, to help each other stand as individuals alone in this world, where we are all really alone within ourselves.

Who am I within love?:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within love, within the idea/perception/belief that ‘love’ involves a giving up or a giving away of self and of one’s independence and wholeness, thus defining myself as un-whole, dependent and incomplete within relationships of ‘love’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as un-whole, dependent and incomplete, within the belief that that is all that I am, and that I cannot stand alone, but rather need a partner, a co-dependent being, within the idea that that is acceptable if it is called ‘love.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the idea/perception/belief/experience of ‘love,’ without considering what and how I define, experience and live ‘love,’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become/have become dependent on ‘love’ as co-dependence, un-wholeness, and insecurity as the belief that I cannot exist in a relationship/agreement without this experience of ‘love.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself that I am ‘more secure’ if I have/am/participate within the definition of ‘love’ I have created and thus far existed within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself that I am ‘safe’ if I depend upon another in the name of ‘love,’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am de-stabilizing, un-securing and making myself unsafe in this world by giving myself away to my experience of ‘love,’ because within this giving away of self, and developing of dependence, I am making the statement to myself that I am not Able, I am not capable of doing this alone, or of existing as a complete whole within the greater Whole, unless I have a partner in ‘love.’

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if another does not constantly and continuously express ‘love’ to and towards me, then I am ‘not loved,’ instead of standing up within the realization that this constant need for reassurance is a constant need to manipulate my internal experience which is, according to how I live ‘love,’ incomplete, dependent, un-whole and insecure, and changing myself, over time, to stop such experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being loved, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that it is just an experience in relation to another, and an experience within and as what I have accepted and allowed myself to define and live as ‘love.’

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to love myself completely and unconditionally, within the understanding that I am Here, whole and thus equally as deserving of self-love and self-acceptance, equal to and one with all that’s Here, knowing that my expression of self-love and self-acceptance is proven to me by me through the self-change that I have committed myself to through writing self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, wherein I am re-creating myself as a being that I can accept and love, and within the expression of my unconditional love for all that’s here, I am committed to bring about a change in this world, by being and becoming a living. breathing statement of equality as I work toward the basic level of equality that will be brought about within and through an Equal Money System, so that the expression of unconditional love can actually be realized and lived, and until then- I breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the energetic experience of less-than, incomplete, un-whole and dependent when I think/perceive/believe that another does not love me if he changes, because I have entered into the relationship from a starting point and foundation of insecurity- seeking security, dependence, and un-whole-seeking wholeness, without considering that, until I give these gifts to myself, I will never be them, and the relationship will never be enough so long as I seek them outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become accustomed to being treated a certain way, until I have built myself as ‘who I am’ based upon ‘the way I am treated,’ instead of standing as Who I Am no matter how I am treated by others in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe ‘love’ exists.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that love has never really existed, only self-interest. And if love had truly ever existed, the world would be a very different place right now. Within this I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see actual reality, and the proven non-existence of love in this world, as is proven by the state of things, where most humans suffer, and most animals suffer, and the environment we live in is treated like our waste receptacle, where nothing is truly considered as equal to our own lives because we each live as if we are the most important ones, and fight tooth and nail for our own survival, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that if we each contributed instead of took, there would be enough for all, and real love could actually finally exist and be experienced for the first time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist only within and as self-interest in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to fulfill and complete me, instead of realizing that I fulfill and complete myself.

Who am I after ‘love’?

Standing Alone:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I can stand alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as self-doubt in terms of taking self-responsibility within a relationship, instead of actually living, step by step and breath by breath as a whole and complete being that takes the self-responsibility to to fulfill, love and accept herself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress, deny and compromise myself for fear of standing alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become addicted to the energetic experiences I receive from others, specifically with regards to what I have defined as ‘love,’ because I define myself only in relation to and not One With others and all that’s here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing as one part, within and as equal responsibility as self-responsibility, of the Whole that is Here in reality, and which we are all blatantly equally a part of, and therefor equally responsible for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself that if I am ‘in love,’ or if I ‘have love’ then I am not alone and don’t have to take self-responsibility, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that everything I seek in love, and everything that I require to stand alone, is actually Here and Who I Am already, I only haven’t realized it yet. I see/realize/understand the self-commitment require to become a Whole, as a living statement of equality and oneness, and I am committed, as I commit myself to invest the time and dedication to myself as to all, within the realization and understanding that it will take time, but not an endless amount of time. We don’t have an endless amount of time, we have this one life, and there’s a lot to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that I need to know who and how to be Who I Am Alone in order to be it, instead of realizing that if I were to pursue the experience of ‘already knowing’ who and how I am, I will only repeat the who and how I have already been, as a dependent being existing within the self-perception and self-definition of experience in relation to my world, instead of existing within and as my world.

When and as I see myself looking to love for encouragement, support, completeness, wholeness, security and worth I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that I am and always have been Here for me, and that as I live my self-commitment, I will prove to me by being and becoming the living, breathing statement of self-love and self-acceptance as a Whole, where I stand, alone, no matter what.

I commit myself to proving to myself that I Am Here for me, that I complete me, that I decide my worth as equal and one by being the self-directive principle of me within the principles of equality and oneness, that I love and accept me and that I will stand within self-worth no matter what, no matter what happens, no matter who I am with and no matter how I am treated.

I commit myself to being and becoming a being that considers all within her every breath.

I commit myself to recreating my relationship to one ofsupport, with no manipulation, no co-dependency and no insecurity. When he stands, I will be there, and when he falls I will be there. When he stands I am Here, and when he falls I am Here. When I stand, I am Here, when I fall, I Am Here.

I commit myself to let go of the past and walk fearlessly into an unscripted future, step by step, as I remain Here.

Day 22 - Avoiding Friends I Change Around

            Today I was at the Laundromat and I saw two of my former coworkers who I worked with two years ago before I left for school. They were going into a house. I used to hang out with them. My husband asked me why I didn’t go over to say ‘hi,’ and it took me a long time before I could figure out the answer. I realized that I do not like who I become when I ‘m around them. We discussed the fact that I should stand stable no matter who I’m around, and if I don’t, then I’m giving my power away.

When I moved away to go to school, I met new people, and I started friendships with classmates the way I wanted to, wherein I would not participate in fake personalities or energetic experiences with them. I didn’t do it perfectly, but I definitely took steps that I’m confident I can build upon to eventually not be influenced by others. But when I saw those two coworkers, I immediately reacted to them, because I used to change who I was when I would hang out with them, and I didn’t like that. So when I saw them I immediately assumed that I would be like that again, which is not a good assumption to make, because if I allow myself to participate within those thoughts, then I’ll likely repeat the pattern instead of taking steps towards standing stable and not compromising myself in the presence of others.

Even if I’m not interested in starting up a friendship with them again, there’s no reason why an emotional experience within me should stop me from going over and saying ‘hi,’ and seeing how they’re doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change around others by entering into personality constructs as personalities which I have, over time, constructed mostly as a coping mechanism, in order to feed my ego to achieve the greatest amount of energy-based reactions, feelings and emotions etc.. which is really manipulation of myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and/or desire to participate within and as energy, within and through relationships with others, so that I may get what I want, whether it be a feeling, a confirmation, validation etc… out of relationships in my life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to manipulate my world and the relationships within it through specifically designing personalities which I can consciously or subconsciously access in order to maintain a feeling ‘good,’ ‘validated.’ ‘happy,’ ‘energized,’ fulfilled,’ ‘righteous,’ ‘superior’ etc etc etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use relationships in my world to attain these ‘senses of self’ that I think/believe/perceive to be who I am, instead of realizing that Who I Am is not an internal feeling within myself that needs to be ‘fed,’ manipulated or validated, because Who I Am, as Who We All Are, is Here already.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged by others when I interact with them, and so I compromise myself in order to not be judged, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is really only me judging myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged as weird, awkward, ugly, uncool, boring etc.... when I am with others, instead of standing within and as complete self-acceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weird, awkward, ugly, uncool, boring etc.... instead of accepting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, if and when I am judged, accept it as real, indicating that I have already accepted it as real within myself already.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change who and how I am in order to get others to ‘like’ me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I need others to ‘like’ me, in order to reflect that ‘liking’ back to myself so that I can think/believe that ‘I am liked,’ and ‘I am likeable’, which would indicated that I actually believe the opposite, otherwise I would not need to reflect it to myself as a projection from others, making it ‘someone else’s job’ to ‘like’ me, because I don’t like myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to like myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act/behave in ways that I don’t like, and instead of taking responsibility and stopping and changing, I take the easy route and just not like myself, while living the lie that I am likeable by going into personalities around people in order to get them to like me/manipulate them into liking me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for going into personalities around people, and then avoid being around those people because I judge myself and don’t like who I become, or that I become something/someone else around them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in the presence of others by going into personality suits, due to the fact that I have abdicated my self-responsibility in terms of 'who I am' on to others, specifically  in this case, the want/need/desire to be 'liked,' because I have acted in ways which I myself do not like, and have not taken complete rsponsibility for myself yet in this way- in this way wherein my thoughts, words and deeds are alligned within a consideration for all that's Here, as that I what I would want from everyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in any way for anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility in any way to anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame other people for the fact that I change myself when I’m around them, instead of taking responsibility and standing as me no matter who I am around.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my feelings of ‘not wanting to be around people because of the way it makes me feel’, instead of taking responsibility for the way I feel, forgiving it so that I can simply be me, and directing myself to face others to see what comes up so that I can accordingly address it within myself every time.

When and as I see that I am reacting to others wherein ‘I don’t want to see them,’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding that it is my responsibility to stand as me no matter who I am around, and nobody else can do that for me, so I will stand.

I commit myself to investigate any and all internal reactions I experience when I am in the presence of others.

I commit myself to push through any and all fear that I experience when and as I am interacting with others.

I commit myself to work towards interacting with others within and as absolute self-honesty wherein I stand as me in every moment.