Day 34- Playing Roles for Others Instead of Expressing Myself (part deux)

          I wanted to address something I wrote yesterday in which I see self-dishonesty or abdication. The quote is: “the more I care about them, the more I play the role.” This quote is stating that, if I care about people, I play a role around them. Since playing a role around others has more to do with self-perception, as I discovered/exposed/expressed in my last post, then it can’t really have to do with actually caring for the other. When I say ‘caring’ I mean REAL caring, as in, considering the other for who they really are, and not putting up with less than they are, within myself or within them, thus treating them within equality and oneness with and as myself. Thus, REALLY caring for someone does not imply deceiving them with role-play, that is in fact like the opposite of caring for them.

            So, what this reveals to me is that it’s not really about caring, but rather about who I have defined myself as in relation to them, and how much of myself have I given away to them within and through these self-definitions. So much so that I feel a strong need or desire to keep it up,’ and not change in their eyes to not ‘let them down,’ because I’ve constantly built myself up in order to be ‘more’ and appear as ‘more’ than I am. Behind all this is, of course, the belief that I am not enough as I am.

            Within all of this I remember the principle that I can’t do for another that which I have not yet done for myself. So, I cannot truly care for/about another until I truly care for myself, which I obviously don’t yet because I’m still holding onto this belief that ‘I am not enough’ or I am ‘not good enough’ as I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that caring for another involves playing a role for them instead of realizing that I am only playing the role in self-interest, to ‘keep up appearances’ in order to maintain my self-image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to maintain a delusional self-image of myself as ‘happy’, ‘mature,’ ‘responsible,’ ‘together,’ ‘normal,’ and ‘fun,’ by playing these roles for others, instead of realizing that I am participating in the polarity experiences within and through self-judgment in my secret mind, and trying to make up for it by playing out the polarity within and as ‘roles’ for others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘caring’ for another as valuing their opinion of me, which leads me to try to manipulate their opinion of me instead of realizing that real caring involves me caring for myself, and then the other as me within oneness and equality and thus, not accepting or allowing anything less within either of us.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have ever actually cared for/about anyone really, instead of realizing that unless I care for/about me, I am unable to care about anyone else as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to stop playing roles and instead to express myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to stop playing roles for fear that others will see the ‘true me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others seeing the ‘true me’ because I think/believe that all my self-judgment will be realized, and people will see that I am everything I fear being, and everything I have judged others for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build, create and generate an absolute mind prison for myself, wherein I am deep down within myself under all the layers, and due to and because of all the judgment I have participated within and as, I have suppressed myself in fear- fear that others would judge me the way I have judged, instead of stopping my participation in judgment within the realization that the only judgment is self-judgment.

I forgive myself for judging myself so extensively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-judgment to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others realizing my self-judgment, when the only one it really affects/matters to is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to observe in my environment, in others or in the media, in magazines and on televisions, people/personalities which I judge as ‘good’ and ‘desirable,’ and then try/attempt to emulate/embody/integrate/program them into and as me, so that I may be ‘like that’ because I have judge ‘that’ as better than me, instead of realizing that I am me, whole, here, equal to and one with everything that is here with and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to be anything else than who/what I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my internal experience is the worst possible thing, and that being anything other than me would be an improvement/feel better/be more endurable than what I currently experience within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to long to be ‘someone else,’ as if, if I ‘were that,’ or if I ‘had that,’ then I would feel better, my life would improve, my experience would be bearable, instead of realizing that there is no magic solution such as wishing I were someone/something other than what I am, and that is just a comforting thought that I use when I realize that the only way through is to face me and stand up from within my worst disgrace in order to change me to be/become someone I can live within and as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight and resist facing me and standing up from within my worst, instead of simply taking a breath and walking within the realization that this is the only way through, there is no escape from self, resisting and procrastinating only prolongs this process, and one step at a time with constand and consistant application is the only pace possible.

Within my self-forgiveness thus far, I see/realize/understand that it always comes back to process. I started off with role playing for others, and the main point within this is fear of facing self, because I utilize the roles to not have to face me, or face what others reflect back to me. Within role playing, the status quo is maintained and no feathers become ruffled, so there is also a fear of conflict in there, which is a fear of standing as and speaking as me, as self. I have written out this point within the posts “Anger Reactions,” “Stopping My Reactions to Disagreements-Learningto Live as Equals,”  and “Survival of theFittest Ego,” – all of which I have just re-read to remind myself of the self-realizations I have made thus far, and the self-corrective applications I have written as self-support, to guide me through what/how it is to Live and walk my process without a ‘script’ or ‘role’ to play.

When and as I see myself going into roles in order to please myself and keep the peace, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness by reminding myself that I am not these roles I play, and that Who I Am is and can only be determined in the moment, in each moment in self-honesty. I remind myself to breathe and remainin awareness, and to take the situation one breath at a time I self-honesty.

I commit myself to stp keeping the peace and avoiding conflict, and to instead live me Here, breath by breathin self-honesty.

I commit myself to myself as self-care, wherein I develop self-care within and though practicing self-honesty as what I require to do/be/become/walk through in order to care for me. I allow myself to care for myself as I do/become/walk so that I may prove myself as self-care, so that I may care for others as me.

I commit myself to face myself, and to push through that which is unpleasant, uncomfortable, unbearable and disgraceful.

Day 22 - Avoiding Friends I Change Around

            Today I was at the Laundromat and I saw two of my former coworkers who I worked with two years ago before I left for school. They were going into a house. I used to hang out with them. My husband asked me why I didn’t go over to say ‘hi,’ and it took me a long time before I could figure out the answer. I realized that I do not like who I become when I ‘m around them. We discussed the fact that I should stand stable no matter who I’m around, and if I don’t, then I’m giving my power away.

When I moved away to go to school, I met new people, and I started friendships with classmates the way I wanted to, wherein I would not participate in fake personalities or energetic experiences with them. I didn’t do it perfectly, but I definitely took steps that I’m confident I can build upon to eventually not be influenced by others. But when I saw those two coworkers, I immediately reacted to them, because I used to change who I was when I would hang out with them, and I didn’t like that. So when I saw them I immediately assumed that I would be like that again, which is not a good assumption to make, because if I allow myself to participate within those thoughts, then I’ll likely repeat the pattern instead of taking steps towards standing stable and not compromising myself in the presence of others.

Even if I’m not interested in starting up a friendship with them again, there’s no reason why an emotional experience within me should stop me from going over and saying ‘hi,’ and seeing how they’re doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change around others by entering into personality constructs as personalities which I have, over time, constructed mostly as a coping mechanism, in order to feed my ego to achieve the greatest amount of energy-based reactions, feelings and emotions etc.. which is really manipulation of myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and/or desire to participate within and as energy, within and through relationships with others, so that I may get what I want, whether it be a feeling, a confirmation, validation etc… out of relationships in my life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to manipulate my world and the relationships within it through specifically designing personalities which I can consciously or subconsciously access in order to maintain a feeling ‘good,’ ‘validated.’ ‘happy,’ ‘energized,’ fulfilled,’ ‘righteous,’ ‘superior’ etc etc etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use relationships in my world to attain these ‘senses of self’ that I think/believe/perceive to be who I am, instead of realizing that Who I Am is not an internal feeling within myself that needs to be ‘fed,’ manipulated or validated, because Who I Am, as Who We All Are, is Here already.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged by others when I interact with them, and so I compromise myself in order to not be judged, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is really only me judging myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged as weird, awkward, ugly, uncool, boring etc.... when I am with others, instead of standing within and as complete self-acceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weird, awkward, ugly, uncool, boring etc.... instead of accepting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, if and when I am judged, accept it as real, indicating that I have already accepted it as real within myself already.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change who and how I am in order to get others to ‘like’ me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I need others to ‘like’ me, in order to reflect that ‘liking’ back to myself so that I can think/believe that ‘I am liked,’ and ‘I am likeable’, which would indicated that I actually believe the opposite, otherwise I would not need to reflect it to myself as a projection from others, making it ‘someone else’s job’ to ‘like’ me, because I don’t like myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to like myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act/behave in ways that I don’t like, and instead of taking responsibility and stopping and changing, I take the easy route and just not like myself, while living the lie that I am likeable by going into personalities around people in order to get them to like me/manipulate them into liking me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for going into personalities around people, and then avoid being around those people because I judge myself and don’t like who I become, or that I become something/someone else around them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in the presence of others by going into personality suits, due to the fact that I have abdicated my self-responsibility in terms of 'who I am' on to others, specifically  in this case, the want/need/desire to be 'liked,' because I have acted in ways which I myself do not like, and have not taken complete rsponsibility for myself yet in this way- in this way wherein my thoughts, words and deeds are alligned within a consideration for all that's Here, as that I what I would want from everyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in any way for anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility in any way to anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame other people for the fact that I change myself when I’m around them, instead of taking responsibility and standing as me no matter who I am around.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my feelings of ‘not wanting to be around people because of the way it makes me feel’, instead of taking responsibility for the way I feel, forgiving it so that I can simply be me, and directing myself to face others to see what comes up so that I can accordingly address it within myself every time.

When and as I see that I am reacting to others wherein ‘I don’t want to see them,’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding that it is my responsibility to stand as me no matter who I am around, and nobody else can do that for me, so I will stand.

I commit myself to investigate any and all internal reactions I experience when I am in the presence of others.

I commit myself to push through any and all fear that I experience when and as I am interacting with others.

I commit myself to work towards interacting with others within and as absolute self-honesty wherein I stand as me in every moment.