Day 83- Why I Can't Make A Decision

Within this blog I am writing out the self-forgiveness statements to understand and release myself from the approval-seeking character, which manifests indecisiveness, frustration, second guessing myself, and making decisions that I can’t stand by in my life.

This character is described in greater detail in my last blog: Day 82- I Can’t Make A Decision.

In the blogs to follow, I will take apart this point with the tool of self-forgiveness, in order to understand it so that I can stop participating in this character and eventually stop, and change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created and manifested myself as an approval-seeking character throughout my life as a way of ‘getting out of’ making my own decisions, and not having to take responsibility for the decisions I end up making, wherein, they are not my decisions, but rather the decisions of the majority of people whom I’ve talked to about them.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that, in order to be the directive principle within my own life, I have to make my own decisions based in/as self-honesty and practical common-sense in alignment with what’s best for all and what’s best for myself as all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my decision making power to others outside of me, by seeking validation and approval for who I am and what I choose to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others by thinking/believing /perceiving that I require validation/approval to do and be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow frustrated within myself because I blame myself for not being able to make clear decisions that I can stand by/within, because I haven’t realized that I am giving my decision-making power away by making my decisions contingent on which I think/believe have the greatest approval from the most important/majority of people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others when I make decisions that don’t work out or that I can’t stand by because I consciously or subconsciously believed they were responsible due to the fact that I made the decision contingent upon what I thought would gain their approval, or what they appeared to consider valid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take credit for decisions that worked out, knowing that I was not entirely responsible for the decision, thus conning myself about Who I Really Am, and CONvincing myself that I am something that I’m not, thus setting myself up to exist within and as the FEAR that I will be found out, instead of realizing only I can ‘find me out’ and call myself out in order to stop and give myself back my power to make clear decision that I can test out for myself, take complete responsibility for and stand by.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk about my choices/decision with others form a starting point of trying to CONvince them that the choice I want to make is the right choice, and secretly trying to get them to agree with me, thus validate/approve of my choice so that I can appease myself within the belief that ‘it is the right choice because another has validated/approved of it for me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the power/courage to make my own choices.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am incapable of making the ‘right’ decision, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ decision, only decisions that are in alignment with what is best for me as all, and those that are not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making decisions, for fear that they will turn out poorly, and I will be ‘proven’ and ‘confirmed’ that I do not know  what’s best for me, or that I cannot stick by and stand within the decisions I make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek approval and validation for my decisions from a starting point of laziness and non-commitment, wherein, if I gain validation and approval, then I don’t have to face the fact that I was lazy or didn’t apply myself to commit to the decision, because then I can just use the excuse that ‘they’ were wrong and ‘that’s why it didn’t work out.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as laziness within the excuse that ‘making decisions work out is hard’, and then not really making any decisions or commitments because that is the easy thing to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not commit to decisions because of the fear that they will fail and because it’s easier to sabotage myself and make the decision fail because at least then I feel like I have control and it was my will, instead of trying and then failing- because then I would feel like I didn’t have control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to experience myself as ‘in control’ by manipulating the outcomes of decisions through self-sabotage.

Self-commitment statements to follow.

 

Day 77- The Fear of Falling in the Face of Confrontation

Within this blog, I am looking at a second event in which I experienced the fear of confrontation. And although I may have appeared confident and certain on the outside, this is what I went through internally (beginning with a brief description of the event, from yesterday’s blog)”

“ [the event] involved me revealing a decision I had made to some people who very likely would not approve. I experienced several waves of fear before telling them. It was this not wanting to share my decision, keep it a secret, suppress it, hide it and don’t let anybody know about it, instead of standing as it. And this is very much how I experience myself within myself- as this hiding, keeping secret, suppressing, or restricting/restraining/controlling. I see that the decision was in fact a part of me that I was exposing, and then the part of me that wanted to keep it hidden/secret, is the part that I’ve abdicated- that’s the part that lays itself down and lets the fear walk all over it. I ended up speaking my decision, because I had to, and it was a bit of a rocky road for me within the conversation that took place afterwards. I felt like I had to defend myself and convince the others that the decision was a ‘good’ one- again seeking validation/approval.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing equal to and one with the decisions I make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself within/as self-direction within/as the decisions I make, specifically when I think/believe/perceive the decision will be challenged.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having my decisions challenged or resisted, and within this,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to have any part of myself challenged/resisted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to hide/keep secret/suppress any part of myself due to the fear of having it challenged or resisted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and/or desire to restrict/restrain/control myself within/as the fear of having that part of me challenged or resisted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having any part of me challenged or resisted because then I have to stand up within/as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having any part of me challenged or resisted because I exist within/as ego, and ego can be hurt, ego can lose in the game of winners and losers- a game created within/as ego, and ego doesn’t like to lose.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach others from a starting point of ego, wherein I participate within an unspoken competition, instead of walking my process within/as humility, where I stand within the principle of oneness and equality within my interactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrict/restrain/control myself as ego, in situations where I think/believe/perceive I might ‘lose.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a game of winners and losers, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value ‘winners’ as ‘more than’ and ‘losers’ as ‘less than’, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ‘less than’ within and as my own self-definition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to ‘win’ and be ‘more-than others, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘losing’ and being ‘less-than’ others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that whomever ‘wins’ and is ‘more-than; gets/deserves the ‘power’ in the situation, and whomever ‘loses’ and is ‘less-than’ has to/must abdicate his/her power because of some unspoken ‘rules of engagement’ within relationships between people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as ‘more-‘ or ‘less-than’ any other being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when I’ve defined myself as having ‘lost’, to then not abdicate my power because I’ve seen/realized/understood that ‘I’m still Here’, and thus, I see/realize/understand that the game does not exist, and that we are all in fact equal.