Day 128- Organic Robot Programmed to Fail

Within this blog I am exploring and investigating the concept of pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ as a way of living, which so many of us do, but mostly to our own detriment (continued from this series: Blog Series- Becoming an Effective Student ). This topic was brought up in relation to the difficulties I experience while studying, wherein I have realized that over time, I have basically programmed myself, through a system of likes and dislikes, to want to give up and fail (easy way out= like), instead of fully commiting, applying myself and doing my best (difficult way= dislike). I have seen that this is not set in stone, likes and dislikes are choices, programmed over time through reptition of thoughts/words/deeds, mostly done in unawareness. Thankfully, this can be re-done, over time, in awareness, AS awareness, to actual real-time living Here.

Without fully investigating our likes and dislikes in order to understand 'what is this force that is driving us', we are essentially not the creators of our own lives and thus, not responsible for our thoughts, words and deeds. So what then is this force that is directing us, that we are accepting and allowing to act in our stead without even taking the time to understand how we created it, or even considering that it is in fact something created by ourselves.

In fully investigating these concepts and seeing, realizing and understanding how I have created ‘likes’ and ‘dislikes’ and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by them, I empower myself to take myself back and become a creator of myself in presence and awareness. In this, I can take myself back from the influence of the endless forms of manipulation, both internal and external, in order to walk, step by step, into and as a human being that is Living for Real, Here, in Real Time, with all other beings that are Living Here Together, in consideration of one another. This can only start to work if we work together in equality and as a oneness with each other. Thus, I continue here with my process of walking out of the mind and into reality, by writing self-forgivenss and deriving self-commitments and self-corrective application therefrom:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ is any kind of way to live, especially considering I don’t even understand why I like certain things over others, and also because the things I like are usually the things that are the worst for me.

I commit myself to Live Here, in Reality, without the internal or external influences that activate within and as me as my mind and direct me according to a system of ‘likes’ and ‘dislikes’ that I created/manifested/developed within/as me without any awareness, to the point that I would be living a life that is not best for me or in any way relevant for all.

When and as I see that my thoughts, words and/or deeds are being influenced by an internal or external ‘pull/ or ‘repulsion’ to/from certain things due to my experience of ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ to/towards that something, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that the repulsion/attraction is not taking into consideration what is best for me, nor the consequences the action/word/thought will have within my life or the world, and on top of that, the energetic experience of repulsion/attraction will most likely lead me to thoughts/words/deeds that are not beneficial but rather quite destructive towards myself and my world, if and when I accept and allow them to influence and direct myself and my living. Examples of such things are: attraction to sugar, unhealthy foods, smoking, wasting time, gossiping, etc… and repulsion towards: doing my studies, living the words I speak, eating healthy, exercising, waking up early to go to work, tending to responsibilities in my world, such as finances and legal documents/paperwork etc….

 

Within these examples I see that, I am attracted to everything that would be to my detriment if lived out over a lifetime, and the things I experience a repulsion towards are things that would benefit me if lived out over a lifetime. This goes to show that our automated minds do not have ourselves nor our worlds in our best interest. Therefore, this proves the importance of investigating the mind and stopping the judgments of likes and dislikes, and any and all judgments, thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, etc… that do not have the best interest of all at their source.

 

The process of self-forgiveness makes this possible, and creates space to re-program oneself to equality to what’s here, meaning- no repulsion or attraction, but rather a oneness to what’s here- all beings, nature, matter etc… so that we may direct ourselves in accordance to ways in which through living action over time, results that are best for all will be created and manifested as reality....

When I re-read over what I just wrote, I see within me a reaction to the words “to re-program”.
 

When I investigate these reactions I see that I have a negative judgment towards these words. But if I remove the judgment and look at the words for what they are, I see that this is so: we have minds that are programmable, no one would 'like' to hear this, but this has been proven over and over again in science, commonsense and simple observable daily living. I can see that my habits are actions and behaviours that have been programmed by myself into and as my living by repeating them over time.

 

So now, when decide I want to live new ‘habits’ and ‘patterns’, I experience resistances towards letting go of the old ones, and then difficulty in changing, or re-programming myself to incorporate the new. However, over time, the new habits and patterns become easier, as my mind adjusts to the re-programming that I have done in awareness, wherein I will have replaced eating junk with eating healthy; staying up late and sleeping in late with going to bed at a decent hour and waking up early and rested for work; writing myself out at night in blogs rather than watching television/movies/killing time before bed, etc….. Creating myself anew, becoming the author of a new script, a new program that will benefit me and one that I ensure will benefit those around me and the world, by simply treating others as I would want to be treated within and through living the principles of equality and oneness (EqualMoney.org)

 

To learn these self-supportive writing tools FOR FREE visit: DIP LITE

I will continue to write out self-commitments and self-corrective applications in my next blog.

 

Day 124- Pursuing Likes and Avoiding Dislikes Is Not Really Living

This blog continued from yesterday’s blog, and is part of a series in which I am taking apart the issues I experience that hold me back from being an effective student. For the entire series click Here.

 Written in italics (scroll down to see) are paragraphs from Day 122- I Am No Match For ME, which I am taking apart and deconstructing within this blog in order to find out what self-destructive patterns and habits are existent within me hidden in my own words. In this way, the written word becomes the key to unlocking the secrets of the self, in order to fully understand self ("Man, know thyself"), to empower myself to change.



 

It's interesting that the habits and patterns that I have thusfar accepted and allowed to exist within me, as me, are actually based in self-interest, but are also self-diminishing and self-destructive. Here I am pulling apert these habits and patterns that are getting in the way of my studies and being/becoming an effective student, but the by-product of this (and the main point) is to rid myself of the nature of existing only within/as self-interest, in order to re-create myself as a human being that is actually capable of caring, and of considering the fact that there is a whole wide world of peopl/beings/life 'out there' that is being disregarded.

Self-change is required so that we may each individuallly stand as the living change of that which we require to be to change the world. No matter how long it takes, it has to start somewhere, so might as well have it be us: our generation: this group of people that we are right now a part of, all existing Here at the same time on the same planet. Because, otherwise, what's the point of life, if not LIFE? All Life.

 

But first things first, step by step, we can only change at the pace of the breath of life.

 

 

 

Deoncstructing my words, finding the hidden self-interest: (for context, please read Day 122- I Am No Match For ME). The following question arose within my mind in relation to why I don't want to let go of certain things that keep me from being self-disciplined.

So what do I fear giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is protecting self, what it the self-interest within/as this fear?

Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ (which really means laziness), the control of my mind to pursue likes and avoid dislikes.

The self-interest inherent within all these things is giving up my time, as in “’my’ time”: The time that I take just for ‘me’ to do whatever ‘I’ want. But really, this is not true: it’s not what I want. What I (as the directive principle of me) want is to do my studies, to push myself to do the best I am able, to be able to direct myself to do something without losing an internal battle. So what is this ‘I’ that wants only to be lazy, to pursue ‘likes’ and avoid ‘dislikes’ according to some system of judgment about what is ‘likeable’ and what is ‘unlikeable’- a system of judgment of ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ that actually diminishes me in so many ways, least of all is my grades- and a system of judgment that I have no recollection of creating, yet one that rules my life in so many ways? It is me. But it is not myself as life; it is myself as a very programmable mind which I have been programming in unawareness my whole life. Within and during this unawareness, my mind has run rampant with creating and directing me, to the point where I do not even really recognize myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and con myself that ‘what I want’ and what will ‘make me happy’ is being able to fuck off and ‘do whatever’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I really want is a world where all life is supported, including me, and this involves me first supporting myself in every way, to prove to myself that such support is in fact possible, and then to do it, so that I become a living expression of it, wherein I can support others as myself, which is unconditionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand that supporting myself will involve letting go of many habits that I like, but which do not support me, and

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to go through the withdrawal from these habits/patterns that I have lived with and become so accustomed to and comfortable with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become so accustomed to and comfortable with destructive habits and patterns that it seems scary and impossible to live without them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I will be and become if I let go of old habits and patterns to instead support myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing old habits and patterns of living that don’t support me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a system of judgment of ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ to exist within and as me and direct me, even though I don’t even know when/how I created it, and even though I see it has a destructive/diminishing effect within/as/in my life.

It’s interesting because when I’m really honest with myself, I can see that the perception I have of myself is different than who I really am. This is obvious as I take at look back at my day every night, consider all the things I had set out to do (intention), and then seeing the things I had actually done. But who I Am does not exist within intention, who I really am as living actions is something different from my intentions. The actions that I actually live out are what are relevant, because that is the living expression of me and my participation in this world, as it is for all of us. THAT is what counts. So it’s quite a wakeup call when I see that my living expression/participation in this world is not even under my own control, as I set out to do things that I don’t end up doing, or I end up doing less well than I am able, thus putting up with a sub-standard version of myself. THAT is unacceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe Who I Am exists in my mind, as my perception of myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Who I Am as Life exists in my actions and words and the thoughts that reflect what I ACTUALLY do, not just who or what I THINK I do.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the reality of myself in complete and utter brutal self-honesty, wherein, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to thoughts and ideas I have of myself that make me seem better then who/what I really am ,so that I can actually live with myself, instead of being fed up with myself, which I should be, to the point that I change no matter what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that the fact that we don’t see ourselves clearly, the reality of ourselves, the reality of Who We Really are in complete and utter brutal self-honesty, allows each one of us to continue on living in ways which are less than who we really are, then we either make ourselves ‘seeeeeem’ better than that within and through our thoughts and feelings about ourselves, or we diminish ourselves to the point of disempowerment and giving up- either way- we allow ourselves to continue on without changing, day after day after day, until we wake up one day and we’re 40, 50, 60, 70…dead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not deal with what goes on inside me in every moment, until who I am without, as my external actions, words and deeds are an exact mirror of who I am within, and so that my without and within are aligned with a way of living that is supportive to Life, as all as one living organism, as equal individual parts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put up with a sub-standard version of myself, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not look at myself, and who I really am in my living actions, I complete, utter and brutal self-honesty in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe, perceive I exist within and as my intentions, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is within my action that I am in any way relevant.

I react to this in frustration, but that is only yet another way to just let it keep happening. Because within that frustration exists statements like “this is just impossible,” “I can’t do this,” and “I give up” etc.. Thus really just making myself miserable because I’m accepting and allowing myself to continue by just giving up on myself, and not taking my power back and directing myself within self-discipline.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing frustration to exist within and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest frustration within and as me, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this frustration as an excuse why I can’t change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing frustration to overwhelm me in one moment, leading me to want to give up, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that frustration is not one bit necessary, as I am never frustrated when I am actively working towards practical solutions, I only become frustrated when I’m not moving myself, when the work I’m doing is impractical, when there is no defined solution, or when I’m falling in the face of resistances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not resolve the issues I face, as I face them, but to instead grow frustrated and blame events and things outside myself for why it is not working out, why I can’t focus/concentrate, why I don’t want to do it, etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to use frustration as a reason, justification or excuse to give up on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever think that my frustration does not have myself as its source and solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use frustration to continue doing/being/living in a manner that is less than who I am (lack of understanding, lack of discipline/motivation/self-movement, lack of self-equality/equality with others, too much judgment etc, etc, etc…)

Self committments and self-correction to follow.

 

To learn these self-supportive writing tools visit: DIP LITE

Day 119- Equality as a Student

Over the last series of blogs I have been correcting my habits and behaviour as a student, in order to change my behaviours into constructive ones that will build myself as a self from which to stand and direct myself as Who and How I would like to be. This blog is continued from this series.

I am handling this issue by looking at the type of character I become when it comes to schoolwork. If I am participating within an activity that I like, that I’m interested in or that I have chosen to do, I have a much easier time getting into it and doing the work. I definitely still have focus and distractibility issues because these are not skills I had spent any time on developing throughout my life. Isn’t it funny that we rarely asses who we are, how we are, how we would like to instead be, and the practical steps it would require over time to become that? However, I’m not sure that such tools existed to effectively de-program the habits and patterns we consist of as personalities, in order to make such fundamental changes.

The Desteni tools do just that, and what makes them unique is that they take into consideration each individual’s part in the whole. It’s interesting because it is literally a deconstruction process in which one will have a critical look at one’s self/self-interest/ego, and then systematically dismantle it. What’s interesting about this is that many of the egoic behaviours we all participate in, are actually quite destructive to ourselves and the world around us. On a global level, each individual acting in self-interest has accumulated to create the world we see today. A good example of this is the stock market, where there is apparently an ‘invisible hand’ at work, however, upon common-sense investigating it is obvious that the invisible hand is simply the combined scramble for gains in self-interest of each participant.

Another interesting outflow of deconstructing one’s own ego, and replacing the ‘I’ with the ‘We’ when it comes to ones actions, words and thought, is that beyond the ego there is an actual oneness and equality that is already Here. The equality is apparent in the physical world, that we all have the same requirements to survive; we all literally come from the dust of the same earth, breathe the same air and drink the same water. But the oneness is not so apparent The oneness that we all are is like a living organism, in that we NEED to work together, in consideration of each other, to make a world and world system that works. The world and world systems we have today are obviously absolutely unacceptable, but we’re all too scared to change and to give instead of take, trapped within our separated egos where self-interest reigns supreme.

With the Desteni tools, one is able to see beyond one’s self as ego/self-interest only, and the fears therein, to one’s basic humanity, oneness and equality with all that’s Here. In that, one will understand the necessity to give as one would like to receive. All Life on earth actively gives and participates in a system of equality, it is time we as humanity do the same.

However, I have spent the past thirty years creating myself as a multitude of personalities and a literal cast of characters as coping mechanisms and survival techniques as I have grown up In this system learning that I have to compete for my survival, and that my personal comfort and happiness should be my ultimate goals. So far, this way of thinking and living has done very little for me as a human being and in terms of that which I contribute to the whole. Life is not about attaining experiences, but rather about giving and creating a self and a world that we would be honoured to leave for the generations to come. The sheer potential of humanity has been crushed in this world, where we have diminished our global population to haves and have-nots, competing, fearing, surviving and feverishly pursuing greed, lust, and power. It’s time for this to end, and for us to realize that there is more to Life, and that Life itself has not yet been lived by human beings, because, I think the majority of the world’s population would agree with me when I say: This is no Life, currently: this is no way to live.

But, we can only move one breath at a time, one point at a time, one character at a time. The character I have been working on is the ‘getting out of work’ character. I have already worked through the thought, fear, and imagination dimensions, which has thus far been a fascinating process as I have exposed to myself all the ways in which I had literally sabotaged myself as a student. Previously, I had come to the conclusion that I was just not capable of being an effective student, however, throughout this process, it has become clear to me that this is not so, I had only in fact required to change some key behaviours, which I am continuing to expose within this blog, as only myself as an ego can consider me to be less than what I’m capable of, less than the schoolwork, and less-than self-movement.

My goal is to stop diminishing and limiting myself with judgments, ideas, perceptions and beliefs, but to instead stand equal and one to myself. This way, I am the one that decides, not my mood, not my motivation , nor my self-judgments or beliefs. I decide to stand one and equal to myself, so that I can stand one and equal to all that’s here. But, first things first, and I am untangling the bad habits and patterns within the character I play as a student that constantly made excuses to ‘get out of the work’, in order that I may understand exactly how I had created myself over these past 15 years in the education system, so that I can re-created myself as something new, something that I decided in awareness, and something that will be able to stand no matter what, because this kind of self-equality is what will be required if I want to continue to walk with the group that is dedicated to bring about world equality, beginning with economic change.

Next blog:
Character dimension: Reaction.

To learn these self-supportive writting tools visit: DIP LITE

For the entire series:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)

Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)

Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)

Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)

Day 118- Learning How To Learn

Day 77- The Fear of Falling in the Face of Confrontation

Within this blog, I am looking at a second event in which I experienced the fear of confrontation. And although I may have appeared confident and certain on the outside, this is what I went through internally (beginning with a brief description of the event, from yesterday’s blog)”

“ [the event] involved me revealing a decision I had made to some people who very likely would not approve. I experienced several waves of fear before telling them. It was this not wanting to share my decision, keep it a secret, suppress it, hide it and don’t let anybody know about it, instead of standing as it. And this is very much how I experience myself within myself- as this hiding, keeping secret, suppressing, or restricting/restraining/controlling. I see that the decision was in fact a part of me that I was exposing, and then the part of me that wanted to keep it hidden/secret, is the part that I’ve abdicated- that’s the part that lays itself down and lets the fear walk all over it. I ended up speaking my decision, because I had to, and it was a bit of a rocky road for me within the conversation that took place afterwards. I felt like I had to defend myself and convince the others that the decision was a ‘good’ one- again seeking validation/approval.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing equal to and one with the decisions I make.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself within/as self-direction within/as the decisions I make, specifically when I think/believe/perceive the decision will be challenged.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having my decisions challenged or resisted, and within this,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to have any part of myself challenged/resisted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to hide/keep secret/suppress any part of myself due to the fear of having it challenged or resisted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and/or desire to restrict/restrain/control myself within/as the fear of having that part of me challenged or resisted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having any part of me challenged or resisted because then I have to stand up within/as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having any part of me challenged or resisted because I exist within/as ego, and ego can be hurt, ego can lose in the game of winners and losers- a game created within/as ego, and ego doesn’t like to lose.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach others from a starting point of ego, wherein I participate within an unspoken competition, instead of walking my process within/as humility, where I stand within the principle of oneness and equality within my interactions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrict/restrain/control myself as ego, in situations where I think/believe/perceive I might ‘lose.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a game of winners and losers, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value ‘winners’ as ‘more than’ and ‘losers’ as ‘less than’, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ‘less than’ within and as my own self-definition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to ‘win’ and be ‘more-than others, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘losing’ and being ‘less-than’ others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that whomever ‘wins’ and is ‘more-than; gets/deserves the ‘power’ in the situation, and whomever ‘loses’ and is ‘less-than’ has to/must abdicate his/her power because of some unspoken ‘rules of engagement’ within relationships between people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as ‘more-‘ or ‘less-than’ any other being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when I’ve defined myself as having ‘lost’, to then not abdicate my power because I’ve seen/realized/understood that ‘I’m still Here’, and thus, I see/realize/understand that the game does not exist, and that we are all in fact equal.

Day 29- Living Words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak every word within and as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak words that are less-than me, and less-than life, and have thus created myself as less-than Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak words carelessly, as verbal diarrhea, thus creating myself carelessly as one that runs and hides from Life and from the living word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak words that are not living, thus creating a self-that is not living in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse free-will as self-interest within my speaking and doing, as I live the word I speak that are less-than life.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to Live and Speak words as Life.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to create myself with and as my words as one and equal to all that’s Here, but have instead abdicated my self-responsibility to words of self-interest, which allow me to continue living within escape, addiction and abdication.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to take the time to prove to myself that I am in fact Here, living, by speaking words as me, as my living flesh, as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as one and equal within the words I speak/have spoken.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider all that is Here within my every word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my words spoken and live in anything other than oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am my own creator as the words I speak, and therefore have manifested myself as words that are less-than life, thus manifesting myself as less-than life without realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think.believe/perceive that I did not know that I was speaking words as less-than who I am as life, but rather continued accepting and allowing myself to create myself as less-than life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself life, by not giving life as the living word, and have thus only manifested myself as devolution.

When and as I see that I am not speaking self-honestly, as living words which consider all and what is best for all I stop, and I breathe. I take a moment to allow myself to return Here, to self, in order to speak as me, and not as mind, thus taking all the time I need to speak self-honestly in every word, without fear.

I commit myself to practice speaking self-honestly as the living word, within and as each word, until it is an automated action that I have proven to myself and thus can trust.

I commit myself to become the living word as what is best for all life.