21 Days of Osho Card Readings - Day 8 of 21: 'FIGHTING'

What I am doing in this series is holding an intention within me and then pulling an Osho card to see what support I can derive from it. In this way, Osho card readings can come out of the realm of mysticism, future predictions or positive reinforcements, and instead become a practical support that I can live.

Because it is me as MYSELF interpreting the card for me, seeing what realizations I can bring forth and how I can change my daily living, it empowers ME, instead of reading the cards in such a way where the cards hold some kind of power in or over my life.

When the power is placed in things, objects or even ideas and beliefs outside of ourselves, it actually disempowers us to change, alter or create our lives, and causes us to be stuck in habits and patterns while we wait and hope for something to come in and help us in some way.

That being said, the card for today is:

"An explosive temper or a smoldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frighten people away, we can avoid being hurt even more. In fact, just the opposite is the case. By covering our wounds with armor we are preventing them from being healed. By lashing out at others we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need.

If this description seems to fit you, it's time to stop fighting. There is so much love available to you if you just let it in. Start by forgiving yourself: you're worth it."

When I pulled this card today, I was holding the intention of asking for some support on the reactions I was having regarding my work. This card is quite fitting, in terms of the subconscious internal rage I had been building up regarding my work. The rage was a consequence of the reactions I was having, which were masking a deep helplessness I was feeling in the situation. The reactions were frustration, irritation, agitation, anger and overwhelm. Let me explain:

I am currently in a new position where I want to go ahead full steam, start my projects and become very productive. However,  I had been experiencing 'sticks in my spokes' from the beginning, namely in the form of my internet connection not working. Seeing as I am doing mostly web-based work, this caused a serious back-log, and I became increasingly emotional, from anger and frustration, to overwhelm, and then of course helplessness as I am in a different country and am not too tech savvy. It got to a point where I felt so internally angry, that I had an image of myself in an absolute rage appear in my mind, which reminds me of the image on the card I pulled today.

My housemate Leslie John  was eliminating potential problems one by one, and each one required time and testing. With each new effort, when it did not work, I would go into helplessness, subconsciously thinking and believing it would never be fixed, and there was nothing I can do. This was the belief that was hidden under the reactions, and the reactions were masking the helplessness I was feeling.

Now, the 'rage'  I was experiencing was not exerted on anyone, or being expressed in any sort of destructive way. Seeing as I am using certain specific tools of self-support in my daily living,  I was working with the points as they came up. As we worked on finding a solution, I was getting other stuff done, working on some projects in the physical that I had been wanting to do, working on my breathing, getting outside and physical when I felt the reactions building up, writing it out and seeing it for what it was.

But the reality is that the problem simply needed to be addressed. We can work with our reactions and manage ourselves within them, and that is necessary, but if the problem isn't addressed, then we'll get nowhere in reality. The problem being addressed is actually quite a simple process that Leslie John was walking, by testing things one-by-one. There was no reactions needed, they were completely unnecessary and actually drew-out the problem solving process as I would spend time fighting with myself, then having to work through the reactions before going back to Leslie John to report the issues.

And so, I will take the advice from the card, quite literally, which was to "Start by forgiving yourself: you're worth it." And I will include a self-corrective statement and self -commitment to be able to direct myself when future similar moment arise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within helplessness when I am confronted by obstacles that I do not know how to overcome immediately in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back chat that "it won't work, I will not be able to fix this", creating the feeling of helplessness within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mask the feeling of helplessness I created within myself, by participating within and as frustration, irritation, anger, agitation and overwhelm, all accumulating to bring me to a point of rage, within which I do not function properly or efficiently, but rather drag out the problem, and thus the rage, causing consequence in my body as well as in my external reality through drawing out the problem longer than is necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and generate a rage within me, which causes internal discomfort, triggers OCD and thus causes double consequence for my body to have to deal with and go through.

When and as I see that I am being confronted by an obstacle that I do not immediately know how to over come, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that there is always a solution, even if I cannot yet see it, and even if it is not the one I was expecting. I see, realize and understand that reacting to the problem only draws it out, and that the solution-finding process is a simple, step-by-step process requiring only consideration, communication and/or direct action, and there is no need for emotional reaction.

I commit myself to confront obstacles for the simple equation that they actually are, problem-solution.

I commit myself to NOT over-complicate problems and obstacles by reaction emotionally to them.


For self-support, visit www.desteni.org

Day 222- Cesar

I hear a fumbling at my door, and in bursts a little naked firecracker named Cesar, speaking at the top of his lungs, “HEY KIM! WHAT YOU DOING?”, and before I can answer, “What you doing Kim!? You must plaaaay with me! I WANT that!”. And Cesar will come and lean on my desk, or climb into my lap and put his nose right up to mine, look into my eyes, “what you doooing?”

What a unique childhood Cesar is growing up in, growing into, and co-creating along with all of us here at the Desteni farm, now including myself as well. Sometimes I sit in my room at night and work on the computer, and I can hear snippets of conversations going on outside my door. Leila and Gian discussing challenges they are facing with Cesar, Leila and LJ contemplating parenthood, or Maite and Leila sharing experiences from the day with their children. And I listen in fascination as I am not used to such deep and profound topics, or innocent and vulnerable sharings being discussed so openly by the people I am living with. Nothing is secret here. There are no backroom conversations or guarded whispers nor groups within groups. So, when I hear these pieces of conversation, I am not being privy to some exclusive exchange, I rather feel honoured to have captured a moment of the lives of those I am living with. One such moment included Gian and Leila discussing a challenge they were facing with Cesar. I heard Gian say that their son is a creator, not a destroyer, and so he would treat him as such. I know that Cesar does destroy many things, as most children do, as he is learning the difference between ‘toys’, ‘tools’ and also electronic devices, and how to handle them differently. But when he does this Leila and Gian give him his own devices (like an old laptop), or something similar that he can take apart and learn about how it works. He has even come up with his own inventions, like a mouse that you can use from one side of the room, attached to a computer on the other side of the room. This is how they took what most would label as ‘destructive’, and turned it into nurturing Cesars creative ability. And so I am learning from them, and from Cesar, what it means to raise your child within a certain set of principles, using understanding and re-direction instead of lists of rules and regulations. Which brings me to something I heard Leila say when talking about parenting with LJ. She said “maybe I am as much Cesar’s child as he is mine.” This took the ground right out from under my feet, as I have always seen myself in the role of ‘adult’, ‘teacher’ and ‘the one that knows’. But as soon as I heard her say this, I realized everything Cesar has taught me in the short amount of time I have been here. Cesar is teaching me what it means to be patient with myself. He challenges the fuzzy logic I have lived by for so many years with one simple question: “why?”. I have been learning from Gian and Leila about explaining things in a way that makes sense. Because in reality, everything is quite simple, especially in nature, there is a sound reason for everything. It only gets complicated when you get into the mind-made systems of humanity. Like, try explaining rationally why eye-lash curlers exist, or why do certain pens have decorative bits on them. Cesar is also teaching me about persistence and getting things done. He will not let go of a point until he understands it, and can repeat it back in his own words and understanding. He usually has to hear ‘no’ several times, accompanied by an explanation until he is satisfied and will let the point go, or at least wait till he’s bigger. He can wait and be patient when he understands WHY he must wait – especially since Leila and Gian make a point to live their words, and see through the promises they have made him. There is a trust that when Leila says she will do it later – she will – every time. If not, there is always a valid reason, and then Cesar can decide to throw a tantrum, or understand – either way he will be supported back to stability through the adults around him remaining stable no matter what he throws at us. And that is another thing I am being faced with. Pure, unadulterated self-expression in every moment. One time I was responding to emails, and the internet was not working. My emails wouldn’t send and I couldn’t open my inbox after having restarted my computer. My frustration was growing and becoming unbearable. Cesar walked into my room and just screamed at the top of his lungs. Now, there were no dogs around, no one was sleeping, and the baby was in her room with the door closed. Cesar understands there are times when he needs to be quiet around sensitive ears, or consider others while they sleep. So, when I saw it was a moment where it was ok to be loud, I realized that yes, this was exactly how I was feeling. My frustration was triggered in that moment and it was made clear how much of an effect it was having on my body. So, we screamed together, and I just let it out. And that was it. Cesar just walked away, and I closed my laptop realizing there was nothing more I could do in that moment. I decided instead to do something physical to get out of my head and back into my body – avoiding a whole play out that would have normally led to a migraine and pain in my body. Cesar supported me because when he is feeling something, he brings it here naturally and deals with it as best he can and as he knows how. He does require the support and understanding of adults, where we can give him words to explain what he is going through and find ways with him to direct it. But, the thing that he can do so naturally that I struggle with, is to confront what is going on inside him in the moment. I have learned over the years, how to suppress and push down emotional experiences that I did not know how to direct. In supporting Cesar, or watching Leila, Maite, LJ and Gian support their children, I am learning to support the part of me that still has the need for understanding and direction. There is a part in all of us that is still like a child – one that requires words to express, understanding to navigate, gentleness to learn, support to direct ourselves, listening, hearing, and lots of growing pains. Since I’ve been here at the Desteni farm, I have been spending time with Cesar, and at the same time, getting to know the child within me. This way, we learn together. I get to see the world through his eyes, and he through mine. I am inspired by his maturity, independence, and fearlessness at his young age, and he gets to climb up my legs, tackle me on the bed, and just be Cesar. Happy birthday little C. I'm honoured to be a part of your life!!

Day 199- Tracing the Source Patterns of OCD (pt 2)

I am going to share an excerpt from my last chat with Bernard Poolman, within which I asked for insight on how I can assist and support myself within walking through and out of the point of OCD. The following structure was provided:

"Memories, for instance could be a series of memories that started at a point and then mutated through the imagination into an other-worldly memory and eventually into a memory that facilitate a feeling or a presence, which then transfers into for instance an action like skin-picking. Here you can for instance, walk it backwards - when a point of OCD occur, then you look at the feeling, dissect it, then you look at the pattern of the feeling, then look at the memories related to it, which are the circumstantial activation points. A Memory will be a reflection within your environment that cause a repeating pattern. Then look at how you have, through repeated views of the memories as thoughts, as thinking about it, as feeling about it - mutated it. Then, search for the original memory, the event, which started it all and then compare the original memory with the memory as it now exist to realise how you have changed it to support the particular repeating paranoia."

http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=paranoia+desteni&FORM=HDRSC2#view=detail&id=EB5B43E4703AD3E2B46C5350D5AC4CE9F8021CF

I utilized these points to write this blog: Day 196- Tracing the SourcePatterns of OCD.  It is from this blog that I am continuing to investigate how past memories have come back to haunt me – so to speak- because I have used them to create an alternate or other-worldly reality/experience of myself that is not actually completely aligned with the reality that I actually live as myself. The following excerpt comes from my previous blog, which I suggest be read for context. These are the words I will be working with to begin my self-forgiveness:

“I was not able to, at that age, consider that there is a learning process. I did not realize that I was being actively taught something, and I thought that I was already supposed to know these things that the other students knew. I didn’t realize that it was ok that I didn’t know the language yet, or that I was not the only one in the position of not knowing. I reacted to the situation in a state of fear and confusion, and instead of remaining in the present moment and enjoying the learning process and simply listening to the new words, I searched into the past as if I had forgotten to do something or missed something along the way, and I remained utterly confused and frozen with incomprehension as I searched fruitlessly for this knowledge I was apparently supposed to have. Obviously I did not have this knowledge yet, and my search for it was in vain”

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to understand everything immediately, in other words and furthermore:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that concepts are only understandable if I can understand them right away/immediately and without effort. Within this,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘shut down’ within myself when and as I am confronted/presented with a concept that I do not yet understand, due to the belief that I will never understand accompanied by frustration,confusion and self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look inwards, to direct my attention internally, desperately and frantically searching for knowledge and information pre-existent within myself as a means to comprehend or understand a concept that I am not familiar with, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the answer is not in my mind, my programming or my understanding, at least not yet, it is in the physical and thus it takes physical time and patience for the process of learning and integration through common sense and a step-by-step process of practice and understanding

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to confusion within/as fear and avoidance, within/as self-defeat expressed as “I just don’t get it”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought “I just don’t get it” to exist within and as me as a form of giving up and shutting down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the energetic experience of fear and panic to the thought “I just don’t get it”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the decision within and as myself, that when I don’t ‘get’ something, I will never get it, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inferior to the knowledge and information, and inferior to those who do get it faster than/before myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less-than and inferior during the learning process, which causes me to fear and avoid the learning process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and avoid the learning process due to my own accepted and allowed self-judgment regarding who and how I am within learning.

To be continued…

Day 195- Becoming My Own Safe Haven (pt 2)

This is continued from this blog: Day194- Becoming My Own Safe Haven

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry and stress about moving locations.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the reality that my environment is going to change drastically.”

When and as I see that I am picturing my current location, and then picturing my future location, and then creating fear within me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to stability by reminding myself that fearing the situation will not change or move anything, but will rather only lead to fear-based actions and decisions, which are never beneficial. I push myself to direct one thing at a time, as I have time, until everything is tended to and seen through.

I commit myself to identify issues/tasks/responsibilities/obligations, and push myself to begin them, follow up , and see them through.

I commit myself to address the thoughts that create a reaction within me, and to determine whether action is required, or if the thought should simply be stopped in one breath and not participated within or as.

When and as I see that I am creating and manifesting the fear of change, I bring myself back to stability by reminding myself that the fear of change is the fear of the unknown, and the fear of loss.

Fear of the unknown: I commit myself to write myself out in order to get to know the unknown parts of myself and my hidden fears/needs/desires, to instead create a foundation of self-support, to assist and support myself to bring myself back to the present moment, as the present movement, and direct myself within and as the present moment and be ‘known’ to myself as Who I Am, and Why I Make the Decisions I Make.

Fear of Loss: I commit myself to write out that which I fear losing, and to use common sense to take practical steps to support myself to ensure I have the basic necessities that I require to survive, and to manage myself in order to make the most of what I have.

I commit myself to let go of my dependence on those things I fear losing that I do not require to survive, within the understanding and self-commitment, that I will give myself everything I need to live a dignified life, as I am able to with what I am able to work with in my current position in the system.

I commit myself to realize that I have defined myself by those things I fear losing, and thus I fear losing my self-definition. Within this, I commit myself to live the realization that I define me, not my environment and the people, places and things within it.

What I fear to lose:

Stable income

Close Friend

Access to the ocean, the woods, nature

Peace and quiet and open spaces

The animals

Donation-based Yoga Studio

The cafes. Restaurants and shops I enjoy

My independence

My privacy

Being foreign

Unusual cultural norms that remind me that I am a product of my culture

Friendlier People

Cheap gas/food/products

Anonymity

The fantasies and imaginings and ‘dreams’ I had created about a future here.

Summers on the beach

Going to the ocean or the woods when I feel stressed or overwhelmed or adventurous.

The cats

The horses

My coworkers/work dynamic

The experience of a small town

Open roads

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Day 194- Becoming My Own Safe Haven

" Assertiveness as Steadfastness as Breath as Consistent Equilibrium, is How we Learn to be Able to Manage the Storms of Life and to Emerge from it As a Harbour that becomes a Safe Haven"

“if you don't move it through writing, it's just going to continue to weigh you down within you cause you are accumulating it by not moving it”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry and stress about moving locations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the reality that my environment is going to change drastically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist directing my reality for fear of taking responsibility, and within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become aloof and pull back within myself and allow situations and events play out without my input, participation or direction, within the hopes that I can reemerge at a later point when things calm down, in hopes that it will all work out, leaving myself to  deal with the consequences, which may be detrimental to me, maybe not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious and fearful and then angry with myself when I don’t step up and direct events in my life, and within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to become aloof and retreat within myself when the time comes where events in my life need to be directed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to retreat and withdraw within myself during big changes or when I make decisions, within the thought, idea, perception or belief that I don’t know how to direct it, or I don’t know what to do, or where to begin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that if I don’t already know something, or if it is not clear right away, then I am helpless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear putting in a sincere effort, because it is more difficult and there is risk involved, because it may be difficult, it may not work out, or it may fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that if Iapply myself fully and put in a sincere effort, that failure is a possibility, because in reality, there is always a solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future, all the ways in which my efforts can lead to failure, when the only real failure that exists is giving up.

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Day 124- Pursuing Likes and Avoiding Dislikes Is Not Really Living

This blog continued from yesterday’s blog, and is part of a series in which I am taking apart the issues I experience that hold me back from being an effective student. For the entire series click Here.

 Written in italics (scroll down to see) are paragraphs from Day 122- I Am No Match For ME, which I am taking apart and deconstructing within this blog in order to find out what self-destructive patterns and habits are existent within me hidden in my own words. In this way, the written word becomes the key to unlocking the secrets of the self, in order to fully understand self ("Man, know thyself"), to empower myself to change.



 

It's interesting that the habits and patterns that I have thusfar accepted and allowed to exist within me, as me, are actually based in self-interest, but are also self-diminishing and self-destructive. Here I am pulling apert these habits and patterns that are getting in the way of my studies and being/becoming an effective student, but the by-product of this (and the main point) is to rid myself of the nature of existing only within/as self-interest, in order to re-create myself as a human being that is actually capable of caring, and of considering the fact that there is a whole wide world of peopl/beings/life 'out there' that is being disregarded.

Self-change is required so that we may each individuallly stand as the living change of that which we require to be to change the world. No matter how long it takes, it has to start somewhere, so might as well have it be us: our generation: this group of people that we are right now a part of, all existing Here at the same time on the same planet. Because, otherwise, what's the point of life, if not LIFE? All Life.

 

But first things first, step by step, we can only change at the pace of the breath of life.

 

 

 

Deoncstructing my words, finding the hidden self-interest: (for context, please read Day 122- I Am No Match For ME). The following question arose within my mind in relation to why I don't want to let go of certain things that keep me from being self-disciplined.

So what do I fear giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is protecting self, what it the self-interest within/as this fear?

Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ (which really means laziness), the control of my mind to pursue likes and avoid dislikes.

The self-interest inherent within all these things is giving up my time, as in “’my’ time”: The time that I take just for ‘me’ to do whatever ‘I’ want. But really, this is not true: it’s not what I want. What I (as the directive principle of me) want is to do my studies, to push myself to do the best I am able, to be able to direct myself to do something without losing an internal battle. So what is this ‘I’ that wants only to be lazy, to pursue ‘likes’ and avoid ‘dislikes’ according to some system of judgment about what is ‘likeable’ and what is ‘unlikeable’- a system of judgment of ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ that actually diminishes me in so many ways, least of all is my grades- and a system of judgment that I have no recollection of creating, yet one that rules my life in so many ways? It is me. But it is not myself as life; it is myself as a very programmable mind which I have been programming in unawareness my whole life. Within and during this unawareness, my mind has run rampant with creating and directing me, to the point where I do not even really recognize myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate and con myself that ‘what I want’ and what will ‘make me happy’ is being able to fuck off and ‘do whatever’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I really want is a world where all life is supported, including me, and this involves me first supporting myself in every way, to prove to myself that such support is in fact possible, and then to do it, so that I become a living expression of it, wherein I can support others as myself, which is unconditionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand that supporting myself will involve letting go of many habits that I like, but which do not support me, and

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to go through the withdrawal from these habits/patterns that I have lived with and become so accustomed to and comfortable with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become so accustomed to and comfortable with destructive habits and patterns that it seems scary and impossible to live without them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I will be and become if I let go of old habits and patterns to instead support myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing old habits and patterns of living that don’t support me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a system of judgment of ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ to exist within and as me and direct me, even though I don’t even know when/how I created it, and even though I see it has a destructive/diminishing effect within/as/in my life.

It’s interesting because when I’m really honest with myself, I can see that the perception I have of myself is different than who I really am. This is obvious as I take at look back at my day every night, consider all the things I had set out to do (intention), and then seeing the things I had actually done. But who I Am does not exist within intention, who I really am as living actions is something different from my intentions. The actions that I actually live out are what are relevant, because that is the living expression of me and my participation in this world, as it is for all of us. THAT is what counts. So it’s quite a wakeup call when I see that my living expression/participation in this world is not even under my own control, as I set out to do things that I don’t end up doing, or I end up doing less well than I am able, thus putting up with a sub-standard version of myself. THAT is unacceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe Who I Am exists in my mind, as my perception of myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Who I Am as Life exists in my actions and words and the thoughts that reflect what I ACTUALLY do, not just who or what I THINK I do.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the reality of myself in complete and utter brutal self-honesty, wherein, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to thoughts and ideas I have of myself that make me seem better then who/what I really am ,so that I can actually live with myself, instead of being fed up with myself, which I should be, to the point that I change no matter what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that the fact that we don’t see ourselves clearly, the reality of ourselves, the reality of Who We Really are in complete and utter brutal self-honesty, allows each one of us to continue on living in ways which are less than who we really are, then we either make ourselves ‘seeeeeem’ better than that within and through our thoughts and feelings about ourselves, or we diminish ourselves to the point of disempowerment and giving up- either way- we allow ourselves to continue on without changing, day after day after day, until we wake up one day and we’re 40, 50, 60, 70…dead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not deal with what goes on inside me in every moment, until who I am without, as my external actions, words and deeds are an exact mirror of who I am within, and so that my without and within are aligned with a way of living that is supportive to Life, as all as one living organism, as equal individual parts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put up with a sub-standard version of myself, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not look at myself, and who I really am in my living actions, I complete, utter and brutal self-honesty in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe, perceive I exist within and as my intentions, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is within my action that I am in any way relevant.

I react to this in frustration, but that is only yet another way to just let it keep happening. Because within that frustration exists statements like “this is just impossible,” “I can’t do this,” and “I give up” etc.. Thus really just making myself miserable because I’m accepting and allowing myself to continue by just giving up on myself, and not taking my power back and directing myself within self-discipline.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing frustration to exist within and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest frustration within and as me, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this frustration as an excuse why I can’t change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing frustration to overwhelm me in one moment, leading me to want to give up, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that frustration is not one bit necessary, as I am never frustrated when I am actively working towards practical solutions, I only become frustrated when I’m not moving myself, when the work I’m doing is impractical, when there is no defined solution, or when I’m falling in the face of resistances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not resolve the issues I face, as I face them, but to instead grow frustrated and blame events and things outside myself for why it is not working out, why I can’t focus/concentrate, why I don’t want to do it, etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to use frustration as a reason, justification or excuse to give up on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ever think that my frustration does not have myself as its source and solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use frustration to continue doing/being/living in a manner that is less than who I am (lack of understanding, lack of discipline/motivation/self-movement, lack of self-equality/equality with others, too much judgment etc, etc, etc…)

Self committments and self-correction to follow.

 

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Day 114- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 6)

This blog series I am in the midst of writing has been quite a trip. I can’t believe the effect it is having on me in terms of my ability to do my studies and focus myself to effectively do the work. Before I would become distracted and frustrated to the point of not being able to do the work, and I would constantly hand in work that I knew was sub-par. Every time I would receive a grade I knew within myself that I could have done better. It had been very discouraging and created a lot of self-judgment within me.

Recently I had decided to really take on this point of not being able to focus within my studies, and it’s amazing to have seen the effects of this in ‘real time’. I have just now finished an assignment that I completed before writing this blog, and I have submitted it feeling satisfied that I understood the material and handed in a well done piece of work.

I have experienced this point of satisfaction several times now throughout my course, as I slowly reform my old habits into new, constructive habits. It’s a really good feeling because when I push myself to apply myself in this way, by following my own instructions that I had written for myself in these blogs, I am totally relieved of the stress and anticipation I used to experience when I would hand in my work feeling like I had not done my best, or feeling like I didn’t even know how to do my best.

Last week, I handed in an assignment that I had worked hard on, and I did not get a great mark because I had misunderstood something. But when I received the mark, although I was a little disappointed, it was still okay, because I knew I had given it my all. Sure, I made a mistake, but this week I made extra certain that I understood everything, and so I learned, I became more diligent. Whereas before when I was a student (before I started applying the Desteni tools in my life), I would have received a bad mark and it would have been crushing, because it would have reconfirmed everything I thought about myself, such as ‘I am not smart’, ‘I knew I couldn’t do it’, and so on, which leads to cycles of discouragement and giving up and not wanting to try or apply myself at all, and thus not being able to focus (among MANY other reasons, as is demonstrated throughout this blog series).

As I apply these tools, which are essentially writing tools which create a platform of self-support from which I can support myself to change, I find I am developing a new sense of ‘self’ within myself. Taking a moment every day to identify exactly what is going on in my busy mind as I study, and then really looking at it/analysing it/deconstructing it... I mean, even just taking that time pulls me out of my mind and into physical reality- which is exactly what I want to learn to do as I study- so, even in just the ‘act’ of writing I am practising a necessary component of the skills and qualities I want to be and become. So, in addition to this, the CONTENT of the writing is specific to what I experience when and as I study.

What I experience is: as I am studying/doing homework/doing an assignment, I am not alone, but rather have a new sense of self occupying my space. I realize I have a long way to go, but what I see is this disciplinarian within me, keeping me on track and catching me when I get distracted. It ‘catches’ me and gives me one little moment, maybe it’s a split second, I’m not sure, but it gives me a moment to make a choice: I can either continue with the distraction/frustration/discouragement/uncomfortabitlity, OR, I can take a breathe and decide to let it go and instead apply myself within my work.

At the beginning, I would just begin to NOTICE I was becoming distracted, later on, I would start to see that I had a choice. Soon I would start to make the choice, but I would still choose to continue being distracted. However, as I continue to write out my experiences, as well as experience the consequences of choosing the distraction (consequences as: feeling regret, getting mediocre marks, getting down on myself, etc…), I am giving myself more reason to choose to instead apply myself, which is what is in fact happening.

So in that split second of having that choice, I’ll experience a strong desire to continue being distracted and avoid the work, but I’ll have this ‘knowing’ that it’s not going to be okay later if I do so, and that if I choose to instead apply myself, that I will be satisfied with myself instead of discouraged/disappointed/frustrated. Additionally, I will not worry about what grade I’ll get. If it’s bad, then I’ll simply change my approach, if it’s good, then it’s like “Yes, I did that”. This way I avoid the stress and anticipation of waiting for my marks, hoping I passed. This way, as I am more consistently applying this and receiving good grades, I have begun to actually enjoy the work and enjoy the challenge.

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like I’m climbing a mountain sometimes when it comes to getting through tough assignments, I still put it off at times till later, and I still become distracted as I work. But now I can see a change within me, and I can see that as I continue, I am building a stronger platform, a stronger sense of self and a greater ability to make the right choices in those moments as opportunities that I have learned to provide for myself. This is why I strongly recommend that everyone try the new free course called Desteni I Process lite to begin to learn the life skills to undo the damage we have all done to ourselves, and re-create a new self that is actually supportive to ourselves in every way.

 

Here I am applying these skills within school, but they are skills that will inevitably support me throughout many endeavours. I can already see myself applying these specific skills that I have been writing out in my past few blogs, in other areas of my life, such as in a job interview, wherein I was extremely focused and aware, recalling things easily, and I did a placement test with confidence because I was not distracted by my nerves or the people around me. I also applied them at a meeting at the bank, where I was given a lot of information which I was able to retain and ask questions about, instead of just nodding my head ‘yes’ and telling myself I will read about it later (and then never do).

I mean, even down to the basics of directing myself to continuously apply for jobs and not give up or get discouraged. And to decide to work towards getting a better job instead of putting up with something less than ideal simply because I feel it’s all I can get, or not wanting to continue the very humbling process of job hunting. And even just going to the bank in order to talk with someone to set up my finances the way I want it to work for me, as I direct my life and my world to support me- even simply showing up to the appointments on time and navigating an unfamiliar city to get to them has been something I’ve had to work on. This may sound like small stuff to some, but those who can relate to any of this will understand how big and all-consuming these things can be. Life is in the little details, as the details are what accumulate to make up Life…

It really is about Life skills, and not necessarily specific to school, but very effective tools wherever they are applied. So this is my update, and I recommend everyone learn these tools as they are unlike any other as you will see if you read the Journey to Life blogs: there has never been anything like this published before, nor made available for free. So, to empower yourself, visit: DestniIProcessLite.

To read more Journey to Life blogs visit: 7 YearsJourney to Life on the forum.
For the series of blogs related to this blog, here it is:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)

Next blog I will begin with the ‘imagination’ dimension of the ‘getting out of the work’ character that has been plaguing me long enough. For context go here: Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

This blog contains the self-commitment and self-corrective application statements from the self-forgiveness I worked through in my last blog about not being able to concentrate within my studies.

These self-commitment and self-corrective application statements are very specifically tied to the self-forgiveness I did in my last blog. So, for context, please visit Day 107- Getting Out of the Work, and Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

I commit myself to stop perpetuating the ‘getting out of the work’ character by actually doing the work.

I commit myself to stop participating in the thought of there being a ‘whole big action-packed world’ ‘out there’, which I manifest right when I’m about to sit down and do work, within the realization that the world did not become all of a sudden more exciting now that I have decided to do work, but that I am creating illusions in my mind and projecting them on to ‘the world’ in order to take myself away from actually applying myself, and bring me back into the mind of ‘getting out of the work’, because that way, I will always submit to my mind as I had created it, instead of me being able to simply make the decision that I am doing the work now, and then to just do it without reactions from the mind, as I should have created myself in the first place.

When and as I see that I am being ‘pulled away’ from my work by my mind, I assert myself by saying NO, I will not follow that energetic pull, I breathe through the withdrawal experience that I know will come, I can take a little self-directed break, walk around, stretch, breathe, and then settle down within the directive decision of doing my work properly, the first time.

I commit myself to stop skimming through my readings, frantically searching for key words in an attempt to get ‘the answer’ as quickly as possible, and instead:

I commit myself to read through my reading strategically, slowly, with a firm understanding of the question, wherein I look for concepts and then expand upon them within my understanding.

When and as I see that I am skimming through a reading in such a way that I am only reading words, skimming through words looking for key words only without any real focus, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the pace of the physical by slowing myself down, re-reading the question, and then proceeding to do the reading with patience, awareness and effective breathing, making sure that if I’m not understanding the words, that I go back and re-read them in order to find my place and patiently develop and integrate an understanding that I am able to convey in my own words.

I commit myself to stop the thoughts that push me away from applying myself in my studies, such as “this is so boring/slow/cumbersome/pointless”.

I commit myself to stop the thoughts that pull me away from my studies as they come up, such as “there is a whole action packed and fun world out there that I am missing out on”, by stopping my participation in and as them, by diligently taking a breath each time the though comes up, and reminding myself that I had made the directive decision to do my studies, so that is what I will myself to do in that moment.

When and as I see that thoughts are coming up which are pushing me or pulling me away from doing my studies, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the directive principle of me by reminding myself that so long as I can’t effectively move myself to do something as simple as study/read coursework, then I will be a literal slave to my feelings, emotions, wants and desires. Thus I push myself to stand up within the energetic experience of being pushed and pulled away from my schoolwork- I stand as the diligence, the discipline, the patience and the commitment I endeavor to be and become the directive decision maker of my actions, thoughts, words and deeds.

I commit myself to stop my participation in the polarity judgment of how I spend my time, such as work=bad/boring, not working=fun/good, and instead:

I commit myself to apply myself in whatever activity I choose to do, within and as simple, self-directed self-movement.
When and as I see that I am placing a judgment on the work I am doing, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to directive principle by reminding myself that judgments only create unnecessary energetic relationships to that which I choose to do, and that those energetic relationships cause me to create and manifest resistances within and as me, to/towards the ‘work’ I am doing, and draw/attract me to do other things which I have judged as ‘not work’/’fun’.