Day 195- Becoming My Own Safe Haven (pt 2)

This is continued from this blog: Day194- Becoming My Own Safe Haven

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry and stress about moving locations.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the reality that my environment is going to change drastically.”

When and as I see that I am picturing my current location, and then picturing my future location, and then creating fear within me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to stability by reminding myself that fearing the situation will not change or move anything, but will rather only lead to fear-based actions and decisions, which are never beneficial. I push myself to direct one thing at a time, as I have time, until everything is tended to and seen through.

I commit myself to identify issues/tasks/responsibilities/obligations, and push myself to begin them, follow up , and see them through.

I commit myself to address the thoughts that create a reaction within me, and to determine whether action is required, or if the thought should simply be stopped in one breath and not participated within or as.

When and as I see that I am creating and manifesting the fear of change, I bring myself back to stability by reminding myself that the fear of change is the fear of the unknown, and the fear of loss.

Fear of the unknown: I commit myself to write myself out in order to get to know the unknown parts of myself and my hidden fears/needs/desires, to instead create a foundation of self-support, to assist and support myself to bring myself back to the present moment, as the present movement, and direct myself within and as the present moment and be ‘known’ to myself as Who I Am, and Why I Make the Decisions I Make.

Fear of Loss: I commit myself to write out that which I fear losing, and to use common sense to take practical steps to support myself to ensure I have the basic necessities that I require to survive, and to manage myself in order to make the most of what I have.

I commit myself to let go of my dependence on those things I fear losing that I do not require to survive, within the understanding and self-commitment, that I will give myself everything I need to live a dignified life, as I am able to with what I am able to work with in my current position in the system.

I commit myself to realize that I have defined myself by those things I fear losing, and thus I fear losing my self-definition. Within this, I commit myself to live the realization that I define me, not my environment and the people, places and things within it.

What I fear to lose:

Stable income

Close Friend

Access to the ocean, the woods, nature

Peace and quiet and open spaces

The animals

Donation-based Yoga Studio

The cafes. Restaurants and shops I enjoy

My independence

My privacy

Being foreign

Unusual cultural norms that remind me that I am a product of my culture

Friendlier People

Cheap gas/food/products

Anonymity

The fantasies and imaginings and ‘dreams’ I had created about a future here.

Summers on the beach

Going to the ocean or the woods when I feel stressed or overwhelmed or adventurous.

The cats

The horses

My coworkers/work dynamic

The experience of a small town

Open roads

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Day 28- Self-Blame versus Self-Forgiveness

Day 28- Self-Blame versus Self-Forgiveness

            It’s so easy to blame. When I take a good, self-honest look at my life, like and overview, I see that I used blame a lot. Everything I felt, every internal experience, I felt was caused or consequence of the actions of another. When I started to take myself back from blame, through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, I began to stop blaming. But I realized: something is still there. As it turns out, the one I really blame the most, is me.

            I understand the principle that everything we do unto ourselves, we project on to others, especially the really destructive, self-sabotaging stuff that we don’t want to admit or take responsibility for. For me it is self-blame. Not only self-blame, but for now, I am walking the point of self-blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am the cause of the moods and reactions of others, and thus, I am to blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, and/or perceive that “if only I were a better child/person/friend/wife/sister/daughter, then everything and everyone around me would be better.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for suppressing me, compromising me and punishing me, instead of taking self-responsibility for the self-suppression, self-compromise and self-punishment within the realization that blame has no value/place/worth to me or anyone else, and only abuses both the blamer and the blamed, and it does NOT lead to self-change or self-improvement, it rather cycles within me and diminishes me over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself with self-blame, by constantly putting myself down and belittling myself in relation to others because I blamed/blame myself for all that is wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for situations that had/have nothing to do with me, and which are beyond my control, instead of taking self-responsibility for me, and allowing the situation to unfold, as it will, and finding my role within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as self-blame, within the belief that who I am is ‘bad,’ or somehow ‘not right,’ instead of realizing that each one is reacting to themselves, and to what they have accepted and allowed within them, just as I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the ego-centric position of thinking, believing and perceiving that everything is elated to me, instead of realizing my absolute equality with everything and everyone, wherein EACH must take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that ‘I’m not good enough,’ and thus blame myself when I perceive others are dissatisfied with me/my work/our relationship/friendship, etc...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly look for dissatisfaction, in order to confirm to myself, that I am to blame.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that self-blame is an abdication of self-responsibility, because it is the statement that ‘I am flawed and cannot change, and thus I must be blamed instead.’ Within this I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that self-blame is self-sabotage, wherein I blame myself as a way to put myself down and disempower myself instead of standing up and changing me, due to the FEAR of standing up and changing me, because that would involve taking a good hard look at me, what I have allowed myself to become, and what I have accepted as myself, as less-that who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, as self-victimization, because I have blamed me over the years, instead of stopping my participation in this pattern and instead empowering myself to live me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed blame to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as blame in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of being crushed, and the absolute disempowerment that I experience when and as I participate in self-blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use blame to create a negative emotional-energetic experience within me, due to my addiction to and enslavement by the highs, neutrals and lows of energy.

When and as I see that I am participating in self-blame or blame, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back Here within reminding myself that blame only prevents me from changing that which I am blaming myself for. I direct myself to stand up within and as self-blame, and allow myself to release myself from self-blame within the understanding that it does not serve me within my process of self-change.

I commit myself to, through writing self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, eradicate self-blame and blame from my life completely, and replace it with self-responsibility- thus empowering myself to change me and direct me.

I commit myself to taking myself back from self-blame, within self-forgiveness for all the times I gave myself and my power away within and as self-blame (and blame).

I commit myself to understand and be aware of how I use self-blame daily, so that I may stop, and instead start living.