Day 238: From the Root to the Fruit - How We Create Our Demonic Minds

In light of recent school shootings, I would like to share some self-forgiveness I have been working on. This is something I practice in my own time, daily, as I walk a process of self-correction, In this, I re-visit memories from childhood, to see and show how in seemingly 'innocent' childhood moments, the seeds can be planted to create inner demons later on in life, depending on life circumstances, experiences, interactions and events.

I went through a very short period of experimenting with bullying when I was younger. The experience left me with an impression of myself that I was not proud of, and thus hid. In order to make the below statements, I re-visited these memories and looked at hidden experience within them as if I was living them here in the present moment.

It is like visiting the mind of a child as he/she is creating him/herself, and developing his/her understanding of reality, only now, doing it as an adult with greater understanding and awareness, giving my 'past self' words to describe the experience because, at the time, I had no idea about what i was feeling, and why I was doing the things I was doing. I had no words nor vocabulary for it.

This is but one brief experience in a lifetime. All of our experiences will effect us in some way and to varying degrees and intensities, depending on how intense the initial experience was, and then how much energy was put into growing and morphing it over time as the experience grows and evolves as the human grows and evolves, or in many cases, devolves.

What I am showing here is an example of how to undo the impact experiences can have on us, by re-visiting the experience with the understanding of an adult. If we do not do this, our childhood events, traumas and misconceptions stay with us and continue to effect us in varying degrees throughout our lives.

Forgive the past to change the present, because there is in fact No Time, as the past is here with us as we create our future.

Within ignorance, there is innocence, and within innocence, there is ignorance, but within everything, there is self-responsibility.

Being a Bully

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully other children when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully other children because I liked the way it made me feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider only the way I feel, and not the effect I may be having on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume my words and actions do not impact others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume others are taking responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and emotions when I know that I am not because the words and actions of other effected me, how I felt about myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the feeling of bullying others because it made me feel better about myself, more powerful, confident and stronger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things that make me feel better ABOUT myself instead of making myself better, a better version of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only reason I liked feeling powerful, strong and confident was because I was not living these things in my every day life, and therefore I sought to FEEL them as EXPERIENCES only, all the while not realizing I was covering up my powerlessness, insecurity and weaknesses I was feeling in most other moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase power, strength and confidence as a feeling experience only, instead of a living doing and being these words as qualities that can be lived in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that feeling powerful, strong and confident means I have to diminish another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the world and life through the lens of competition and survival of the fittest, and feel I need to dominate and be the strong one by putting others down, thus securing my own survival, without realizing the impact it was having on myself, and without ever considering the experience of the other, only seeing them as a tool for me to use to strengthen myself/my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish and bully myself, and then act out that self-relationship on to others in my world, ‘bringing them down’ with me/as me as an act of spite, trying to get revenge by exerting my internal experience onto my outer reality, trying to change my external experience by changing my external one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully other kids in an attempt to appease myself in satisfaction, while deep down I knew that I was driving a wedge between us that I probably could never remove, and even though I regretted that, I still placed my own experience above the tragedy I was creating between two people, by taking the value away of connecting with another human being, and replacing it with personal self-satisfaction.

I forgive myself for chasing only personal self-satisfaction, without seeing, realizing and understanding that it always leads to self-diminishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for bullying other kids because I knew, and I saw the ugliness I was creating between us, and in my life, seeing the other child as innocent, and myself as the abuser, but instead of stopping I rather judged myself, and then hid that judgment in the depths of my mind, like a constant lurker ready to pounce, contributing to my dark mind that would stay with me and haunt/limit me for the rest of my life, thinking I am ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ and ‘tainted’ as self-judgments within life experiences accumulated over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed defeat to exist within and as me as I integrated and lived out the reality I saw in the world, instead of standing up for what I knew was ‘the right way’ in terms of actions and behaviours that would be beneficial and constructive, but thinking/believing/perceiving that for me to chose this path would make me weak, a target for others like me, the ‘loser’ and the ‘victim’, so I chose instead to become the aggressor, the bully, the ‘tough one’ that is not to be messed with, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that to choose the path of kindness, care, collaboration and understanding is to be internally strong, powerful, impactful, and to have that stand and stance of living by my principles and being/living the person that I want to see in this world.

I commit myself to look, explore and forgive my dark mind, and to take the steps towards transcending that of me which is not best for all by stopping the patterns, both internal and external, and changing them to living actions that are best for myself as best for all.

I commit myself to walk a process of giving myself that which I need to stand alone, within principle, despite the current reality of the world, and despite the challenges that come when one stands as the self-change that is necessary to in turn, change the world.

When and as I see that I am feeling that ‘feel good’ feeling of, in my mind, being ‘above’, ‘stronger’ in a ‘superior’ position to another, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to equality by reminding myself that I am only diminishing myself, my life, this reality and potentially the other person. I push myself to stop the energetic experience and simply be Here with the other, Hearing them, Understanding them and seeing their REAL value and potential and recognizing that also in myself.

Please Note: I am walking a process of self-change using the tools of support offered by www.Desteni.org. 

I am taking the course called DIP Pro. In this course I learn how to take every day moments and find ways to make myself a better, more understanding and well rounded human being, the kind of human being I would like to see in this world. "Be the change you want to see" is a cool saying, but actually doing it is a bit more confusing because people tend to believe that you can't change human nature. I believe you can, because I have seen myself changing to someone I've always wanted to be. Not there yet, but my motivation is fueled by the proof I have given to myself, which I have documented online every sep of the way, in my blogs and on youtube. DIP Pro requires serious dedication and commitment, it is ot for the faint of heart. 

If you want to test the waters for yourself, try the Lite version, it's called DIP Lite, and the best part is, it's free! Why? Because Desteni puts individual self-change above profit. Why does DIP Pro cost money? Because it costs money to exist in this world, and takes a dedicated team to run the program. Otherwise it would also be free.

Visit www.Desteni.org

Day 199- Tracing the Source Patterns of OCD (3)

I have writen these these self-committment statements to support myself to change how I learn. Learning has been a hostile and laborious process for me throughout school, which seeped over into my working life. I have been using the process of writing to de-program this perception I have held regarding learning and the learning process, and am re-scripting through words the way in which I would prefer myself to experience this process.This is related to OCD because I am dismantling trigger points that cause me to go into the disorder. One of these trigger points is being confronted/presented with a new concept I do not immediately understand. I am looking into why this triggers OCD within me, and have discovered so far that the learning process overwhelms me. I need to look into this further to figure out why and how this is, how I created this in the first place, and how I have morphed it over time into something completely different that the initial experience/memories.

 I am using my own self-realizations which I derive from writing self-forgiveness and self-corrective application statements in these blogs: Day 196- Tracing the Source Patterns of OCD  and Day 199- Tracing the Source Patterns of OCD (pt 2), The following is based on this self-forgiveness, although more points opened up as I was writing, and I included them in the current self-corrective applications.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to understand everything immediately, in other words and furthermore:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that concepts are only understandable if I can understand them right away/immediately and without effort. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘shut down’ within myself when and as I am confronted/presented with a concept that I do not yet understand, due to the belief that I will never understand accompanied by frustration, confusion and self-judgment.”

When and as I see that I am ‘shutting down’ within myself as a form of self-defeat when/as I am confronted/presented with a new concept which I do not initially understand, I stop, and I breathe. I direct myself to take a step back and stop my participation within/as these reactions in order that I may clear my mind and starting point, and to look at the concept with ‘fresh eyes’, meaning, from a changed starting point; from “I just don’t get it”, to “how does this actually work/how can this make sense” understanding that, within asking myself questions and looking at the concept for answers, I am essentially teaching myself the concept.

Wen and as I react within fear and self-judgment due to being confronted/presented with a new concept that I do not initially understand, and one which I can’t figure out on my own, I direct myself to utilize an resources available to me, such as documents, the internet, or individuals in my environment. I remind myself to remain present and to open my ears and my eyes to see and hear what is being explained to me, so that I don’t distract myself with thoughts/worries/beliefs/emotions that I might get it wrong or that I am being judged for not immediately knowing/understanding the concept. I see/realize/understand that this is my very own self-judgment that I am projecting on to others/my environment, causing me to feel like ‘shutting down’, when I can simply change my perception to create a learning environment that is open, accepting, supportive and enjoyable.
 

http://www.abe.org.uk/public/images/learn1.jpg

 

More to come...

Day 193- Identifying the thoughts that cause OCD

Within my previous four blogs I have been looking at the obsessive-compulsive behavior that overcomes me when I am at work. This had been so at every job I have worked, and often ends up causing me to believe that the job is the problem, when in reality, the OCD is the source of the difficulty I experience within working/employment/my studies/etc…

The pattern I have been working on pulling apart and re-scripting has been the simple act of ‘seeing tasks through to proper completion’. Within this I have confronted being able to determine within myself,, and in terms of the actual physical work being performed, that which is a ‘job well-done’, that which is ‘overkill’ as a try or attempt to attain an unrealistic standard of unobtainable perfection (OCD behaviour), and that which leads to a ‘giving up’ or ‘giving in’ before the task, obligation or responsibility is seen through (OCD behaviour).

Within this, I want to dig a little deeper into what causes the compulsion to A) obsess over every little detail of a task, obligation or responsibility, or B) to become overwhelmed and give-up on my ability to actually see the task through, either before even beginning, or before completion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, while working on a specific project/task/obligation/responsibility, think about who will be judging me, my work, and the outcome of the work that I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine the face of the person that I think, believe or perceive will be judging my work, or the outcome at my work, and to visualize it with a discerning or disappointed facial expression whenever I take a moment to contemplate the work I am doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect anger, fear, anxiety and annoyance to the image of the discerning or disappointed facial expression of whomever I will be presenting my work to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my judgment of the work that I do entirely upon the reaction of whomever I will be presenting my work to.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to consider Who I Am within the work that I do, but instead I have only considered the final judgment of others regarding the outcome of my work.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to define and determine Who I Am within the work that I do, because I had only ever concerned myself, worried about, and become paranoid about how my work will be perceived by those in the position of judging my work, signing my paycheck, or grading my assignments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become paranoid about how my work will be judged or perceived in the end because of a fear of the unknown; because I do not know what is going on inside the mind of whomever I believe I need to impress, gain approval from, be validated by or meet the standards of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so critical of my own work, in a try and an attempt to cover every possible detail that might be scrutinized by whoever’s opinion I believe counts when it comes to determining the quality of my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drive myself to paranoia by haunting my mind with the possible comments, criticisms, objections or disapproving statements that may be directed towards my work, or the outcome of my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself within my work, by constantly and continuously thinking up more and more ways that my work can be criticized, objected, have apparent mistakes pointed out, or become scrutinized and taken apart, when in physical reality, there is only so much I am able to physically do, because I only have so much time to dedicate to each task before the work day is over/the assignment is due/the deadline arrives.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that there is not enough time in the day to obsess over each detail of a task/obligation/responsibility in a way that would satisfy me, and within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my emotional reaction of dissatisfaction towards my work to be the truth, and to be who and how I am, and to be an accurate measure of my work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as never having enough time because I can always twist my work in my mind in order to find a possible mistake or flaw, thus creating and manifesting the experience of ‘never being done’, or ‘never completing’ the task, obligation or responsibility, because I constantly and continuously cycle the thought, idea or belief that it may be pointed out that I had missed a point, left a flaw, made a mistake, or done something improperly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeat and cycle the thought of having my work criticized, scrutinized, picked apart, and judged negatively, thus accumulating fear, anger, anxiety and annoyed energy experiences within myself until there is a constant pressure which I seek to appease and release through the obsessive behavior of picking apart my own work and scrutinizing it, judging it negatively and criticizing, by going over it again and again, and doing it over, until the point where I had repeated this pattern to automation and the behavior had become compulsive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to overreact, to become offended and hurt, to feel self-conscious and embarrassed, to feel like I am ‘not good enough’ or a failure, when and as someone points out something in my work that can be improved, wherein instead of taking it as a constructive criticism, I would instead take it as a confirmation of the paranoid thoughts I had been repeating and cycling that my work can never be good enough because it is not perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage the work that I do by criticizing it, picking it apart, judging it negatively and scrutinizing it in an attempt to find the flaws and make it presentable, not for an actual person, but for the idea I hold of the person or people I feel will be judging my work, realizing also that the idea I hold of the person in my mind is based in the fear of the unknown and all that the person might judge in my work, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the ‘person’ I am creating an image of and projecting on to is Me; It is my self-criticism, my over-scrutinizing, it is only ever me picking apart my own work and finding every possible flaw, and it is myself that is judging my work negatively, and holding it to an impossible standard. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to my own self-criticism, self-scrutiny, self-judgment and the self-diminishment within this, by thinking, believing and perceiving that I have been doing this for someone else, or because of someone else.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghucaIdbrq_pGBigjqLOIjc3aw4FxC7PM8pwbK69DTSMJ1d66VV-tZFm0w0IL9Fnzkfx_mYzDOTBMYv1cHrLfPcpi9jHBJXmlKIb6SWrEuLBGDiXXuBrre3eSsybUZ48i2XiO8Gp18XOk/s400/never_quite_good_enough_by_Soda_Dreamer.jpg

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the people I fear will judge me may very well have the ability to determine what is practically achievable, what acceptable and effective work is, and which standards are obtainable. If they do not, and they themselves display unrealistic standards, then there is nothing I can do about that, except learn and practice and direct myself to stand up within my own work, as Who I Am within what I do, so that the outcome of the work is well done by all practical measures, wherein another’s unreasonable standards will not create a reaction within me, because I determine Who I am within my work.

To be continued....

Continued from:

Day 187- OCD at Work: My Breaking Point

Day 188- OCD at Work: My Breaking Point (pt 2)
Day 189- OCD at Work: How to Keep Your JobDay 190- OCD at Work: How to Keep Your Job (pt. 2)

Day 191- OCD at Work: How to Keep Your Job (pt 3)

Day 192- OCD at Work: How to Keep Your Job (pt 4)

Self-Study with support, learn to respect you and others, learn how to stop mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively that you actually change forever, learn how to stop and change the automatic thoughts that run your life --
Sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, try it for yourself .

Blog Series- Becoming an Effective Student

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies
Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)
Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)
Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day114- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 6)
Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)
Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)
Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)
Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)
Day 118- Learning How To Learn
Day119- Equality as a Student
Day121- Calming the Waves of Frustration
Day 122- I Am No Match For ME

Day123- Controlling Self in the Face of Many Temptations

Day 124- Pursuing Likes and Avoiding Dislikes Is Not Really Living

Day 125- A Prisoner to Addiction

Day 126- Is Forcing Myself Abuse?

Day 127- From Slave to Master of Myself

 

 

Day 114- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 6)

This blog series I am in the midst of writing has been quite a trip. I can’t believe the effect it is having on me in terms of my ability to do my studies and focus myself to effectively do the work. Before I would become distracted and frustrated to the point of not being able to do the work, and I would constantly hand in work that I knew was sub-par. Every time I would receive a grade I knew within myself that I could have done better. It had been very discouraging and created a lot of self-judgment within me.

Recently I had decided to really take on this point of not being able to focus within my studies, and it’s amazing to have seen the effects of this in ‘real time’. I have just now finished an assignment that I completed before writing this blog, and I have submitted it feeling satisfied that I understood the material and handed in a well done piece of work.

I have experienced this point of satisfaction several times now throughout my course, as I slowly reform my old habits into new, constructive habits. It’s a really good feeling because when I push myself to apply myself in this way, by following my own instructions that I had written for myself in these blogs, I am totally relieved of the stress and anticipation I used to experience when I would hand in my work feeling like I had not done my best, or feeling like I didn’t even know how to do my best.

Last week, I handed in an assignment that I had worked hard on, and I did not get a great mark because I had misunderstood something. But when I received the mark, although I was a little disappointed, it was still okay, because I knew I had given it my all. Sure, I made a mistake, but this week I made extra certain that I understood everything, and so I learned, I became more diligent. Whereas before when I was a student (before I started applying the Desteni tools in my life), I would have received a bad mark and it would have been crushing, because it would have reconfirmed everything I thought about myself, such as ‘I am not smart’, ‘I knew I couldn’t do it’, and so on, which leads to cycles of discouragement and giving up and not wanting to try or apply myself at all, and thus not being able to focus (among MANY other reasons, as is demonstrated throughout this blog series).

As I apply these tools, which are essentially writing tools which create a platform of self-support from which I can support myself to change, I find I am developing a new sense of ‘self’ within myself. Taking a moment every day to identify exactly what is going on in my busy mind as I study, and then really looking at it/analysing it/deconstructing it... I mean, even just taking that time pulls me out of my mind and into physical reality- which is exactly what I want to learn to do as I study- so, even in just the ‘act’ of writing I am practising a necessary component of the skills and qualities I want to be and become. So, in addition to this, the CONTENT of the writing is specific to what I experience when and as I study.

What I experience is: as I am studying/doing homework/doing an assignment, I am not alone, but rather have a new sense of self occupying my space. I realize I have a long way to go, but what I see is this disciplinarian within me, keeping me on track and catching me when I get distracted. It ‘catches’ me and gives me one little moment, maybe it’s a split second, I’m not sure, but it gives me a moment to make a choice: I can either continue with the distraction/frustration/discouragement/uncomfortabitlity, OR, I can take a breathe and decide to let it go and instead apply myself within my work.

At the beginning, I would just begin to NOTICE I was becoming distracted, later on, I would start to see that I had a choice. Soon I would start to make the choice, but I would still choose to continue being distracted. However, as I continue to write out my experiences, as well as experience the consequences of choosing the distraction (consequences as: feeling regret, getting mediocre marks, getting down on myself, etc…), I am giving myself more reason to choose to instead apply myself, which is what is in fact happening.

So in that split second of having that choice, I’ll experience a strong desire to continue being distracted and avoid the work, but I’ll have this ‘knowing’ that it’s not going to be okay later if I do so, and that if I choose to instead apply myself, that I will be satisfied with myself instead of discouraged/disappointed/frustrated. Additionally, I will not worry about what grade I’ll get. If it’s bad, then I’ll simply change my approach, if it’s good, then it’s like “Yes, I did that”. This way I avoid the stress and anticipation of waiting for my marks, hoping I passed. This way, as I am more consistently applying this and receiving good grades, I have begun to actually enjoy the work and enjoy the challenge.

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like I’m climbing a mountain sometimes when it comes to getting through tough assignments, I still put it off at times till later, and I still become distracted as I work. But now I can see a change within me, and I can see that as I continue, I am building a stronger platform, a stronger sense of self and a greater ability to make the right choices in those moments as opportunities that I have learned to provide for myself. This is why I strongly recommend that everyone try the new free course called Desteni I Process lite to begin to learn the life skills to undo the damage we have all done to ourselves, and re-create a new self that is actually supportive to ourselves in every way.

 

Here I am applying these skills within school, but they are skills that will inevitably support me throughout many endeavours. I can already see myself applying these specific skills that I have been writing out in my past few blogs, in other areas of my life, such as in a job interview, wherein I was extremely focused and aware, recalling things easily, and I did a placement test with confidence because I was not distracted by my nerves or the people around me. I also applied them at a meeting at the bank, where I was given a lot of information which I was able to retain and ask questions about, instead of just nodding my head ‘yes’ and telling myself I will read about it later (and then never do).

I mean, even down to the basics of directing myself to continuously apply for jobs and not give up or get discouraged. And to decide to work towards getting a better job instead of putting up with something less than ideal simply because I feel it’s all I can get, or not wanting to continue the very humbling process of job hunting. And even just going to the bank in order to talk with someone to set up my finances the way I want it to work for me, as I direct my life and my world to support me- even simply showing up to the appointments on time and navigating an unfamiliar city to get to them has been something I’ve had to work on. This may sound like small stuff to some, but those who can relate to any of this will understand how big and all-consuming these things can be. Life is in the little details, as the details are what accumulate to make up Life…

It really is about Life skills, and not necessarily specific to school, but very effective tools wherever they are applied. So this is my update, and I recommend everyone learn these tools as they are unlike any other as you will see if you read the Journey to Life blogs: there has never been anything like this published before, nor made available for free. So, to empower yourself, visit: DestniIProcessLite.

To read more Journey to Life blogs visit: 7 YearsJourney to Life on the forum.
For the series of blogs related to this blog, here it is:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)

Next blog I will begin with the ‘imagination’ dimension of the ‘getting out of the work’ character that has been plaguing me long enough. For context go here: Day 107- Getting Out of the Work