21 Days of Osho Card Readings - Day 8 of 21: 'FIGHTING'

What I am doing in this series is holding an intention within me and then pulling an Osho card to see what support I can derive from it. In this way, Osho card readings can come out of the realm of mysticism, future predictions or positive reinforcements, and instead become a practical support that I can live.

Because it is me as MYSELF interpreting the card for me, seeing what realizations I can bring forth and how I can change my daily living, it empowers ME, instead of reading the cards in such a way where the cards hold some kind of power in or over my life.

When the power is placed in things, objects or even ideas and beliefs outside of ourselves, it actually disempowers us to change, alter or create our lives, and causes us to be stuck in habits and patterns while we wait and hope for something to come in and help us in some way.

That being said, the card for today is:

"An explosive temper or a smoldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frighten people away, we can avoid being hurt even more. In fact, just the opposite is the case. By covering our wounds with armor we are preventing them from being healed. By lashing out at others we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need.

If this description seems to fit you, it's time to stop fighting. There is so much love available to you if you just let it in. Start by forgiving yourself: you're worth it."

When I pulled this card today, I was holding the intention of asking for some support on the reactions I was having regarding my work. This card is quite fitting, in terms of the subconscious internal rage I had been building up regarding my work. The rage was a consequence of the reactions I was having, which were masking a deep helplessness I was feeling in the situation. The reactions were frustration, irritation, agitation, anger and overwhelm. Let me explain:

I am currently in a new position where I want to go ahead full steam, start my projects and become very productive. However,  I had been experiencing 'sticks in my spokes' from the beginning, namely in the form of my internet connection not working. Seeing as I am doing mostly web-based work, this caused a serious back-log, and I became increasingly emotional, from anger and frustration, to overwhelm, and then of course helplessness as I am in a different country and am not too tech savvy. It got to a point where I felt so internally angry, that I had an image of myself in an absolute rage appear in my mind, which reminds me of the image on the card I pulled today.

My housemate Leslie John  was eliminating potential problems one by one, and each one required time and testing. With each new effort, when it did not work, I would go into helplessness, subconsciously thinking and believing it would never be fixed, and there was nothing I can do. This was the belief that was hidden under the reactions, and the reactions were masking the helplessness I was feeling.

Now, the 'rage'  I was experiencing was not exerted on anyone, or being expressed in any sort of destructive way. Seeing as I am using certain specific tools of self-support in my daily living,  I was working with the points as they came up. As we worked on finding a solution, I was getting other stuff done, working on some projects in the physical that I had been wanting to do, working on my breathing, getting outside and physical when I felt the reactions building up, writing it out and seeing it for what it was.

But the reality is that the problem simply needed to be addressed. We can work with our reactions and manage ourselves within them, and that is necessary, but if the problem isn't addressed, then we'll get nowhere in reality. The problem being addressed is actually quite a simple process that Leslie John was walking, by testing things one-by-one. There was no reactions needed, they were completely unnecessary and actually drew-out the problem solving process as I would spend time fighting with myself, then having to work through the reactions before going back to Leslie John to report the issues.

And so, I will take the advice from the card, quite literally, which was to "Start by forgiving yourself: you're worth it." And I will include a self-corrective statement and self -commitment to be able to direct myself when future similar moment arise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within helplessness when I am confronted by obstacles that I do not know how to overcome immediately in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back chat that "it won't work, I will not be able to fix this", creating the feeling of helplessness within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mask the feeling of helplessness I created within myself, by participating within and as frustration, irritation, anger, agitation and overwhelm, all accumulating to bring me to a point of rage, within which I do not function properly or efficiently, but rather drag out the problem, and thus the rage, causing consequence in my body as well as in my external reality through drawing out the problem longer than is necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and generate a rage within me, which causes internal discomfort, triggers OCD and thus causes double consequence for my body to have to deal with and go through.

When and as I see that I am being confronted by an obstacle that I do not immediately know how to over come, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that there is always a solution, even if I cannot yet see it, and even if it is not the one I was expecting. I see, realize and understand that reacting to the problem only draws it out, and that the solution-finding process is a simple, step-by-step process requiring only consideration, communication and/or direct action, and there is no need for emotional reaction.

I commit myself to confront obstacles for the simple equation that they actually are, problem-solution.

I commit myself to NOT over-complicate problems and obstacles by reaction emotionally to them.


For self-support, visit www.desteni.org

Day 17- Survival of the Fittest Ego

            I was talking to a man about the student tuition protests that are taking place around where I live. I didn’t want to because I’ve noticed that these discussions get pretty fired up, and in the end, the whole thing is usually pretty inconsequential and useless. I resisted talking about it at first, but when he pulled a picture out of his pocket which looked like propaganda, depicting female students as girls-gone-wild types and males as violent anarchists, I let it get the best of me and proceeded to defend the students. He got really mad and narrowed in on me, his eyes completely changed, and his tone got angry and his whole body language changed and it scared me.

            What I observed within myself was this strong desire to not let him ‘win’. I felt I should be able to speak without being ‘shot down’ by an angry man. But when he began to change and go into what seemed like ‘attack mode’ I felt like by this sheer ‘force’ that he was becoming he had the power to diminish and discredit me. I started to feel like I didn’t really know what I was talking about and a bit vulnerable, and this made me angry. Then, I started to shake. It was cold out, and I had been shivering before, but as we were talking and I become angry and scared, I really began to shake.

            As it was happening, I kept telling myself to stop and breathe, to calm down and let it go… but I kept allowing myself to be ‘sucked back in’ within the desire to jump back into the conversation. I didn’t jump back into the conversation, but each time I thought about it I would get all charged up with this fear and anger energy which felt like a rush and was making me shake. Everyone had had a couple drinks (except me, I don’t drink), and I could see a little belligerence emerging so I decided to take a step back and look at the whole situation for what it was: all talk. I saw that nothing was going to come of this. I saw that this is a pattern that this specific male has been repeating for years as I recalled arguments between him and others quite often, only they had never been directed at me. I saw that I am not even really on any side of the student protests, as they are illegal manifestations and therefore disempower the students instead of taking the longer yet legal democratic approach (as is being done by the Equal Money System, wherein politics is used to gain the consent of the people to change public policy to support the population in the most effective ways, which would, of course, include an entire overhaul of the educational system). So, in the end- I just wanted to speak an opinion and either be ‘right’, or at least not be entirely discredited in front of the group.

            In the end, I am entirely unsatisfied with the way I reacted internally to the situation. It left me feeling disempowered, angry, and frustrated. So, my self-forgiveness for today will concentrate on this tendency I have of speaking up for the wrong reasons and at the wrong times, thus sabotaging myself by going into fear and inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be pulled into the energetic experience of wanting to be right, wanting to make a point as a matter of opinion, and wanting to ‘win’ an argument, thus leaving me vulnerable because I end up speaking words I can’t stand by in situations that are ‘obsolete,’ so to speak, because I would not even be speaking words as me, but rather words as opinions and words as weapons in a competition with another being that was displaying aggressive body language. If I had participated I would have brought myself to that level, thus making the statement that I support this type of behavior which comes down to survival games of competition where there are winners and losers and conflict, instead of me standing as an example of support and cooperation with my ‘fellow man’, or simply not participating nor supporting such behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the want/need/desire to spew (mostly meaningless) opinions (meaningless because they are not backed by any direct or practical actions that will bring my opinions out of my mind and into actual reality, therefore making them ‘all talk’ for the sake of winning/being right/competing).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the want/need/desire to be right for the sake of competition against another being within the want/need/desire to ‘win’ and the other to ‘lose’, instead of standing as a pillar of support/example of support/cooperation, which is what needs to be born into this physical existence at an individual level, instead of the endless patterns we have been repeating for millennia, which are survival, competition, and winning/losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become overwhelmed by my human nature of survival and competition, wherein I want/need/desire to win/be right, and even though I stopped myself from fully participating, I still went on the roller-coaster ride of feeling/emotions/reactions wherein I went into inferiority/fear/anger instead of remaining stable, Here, and not participating in the mind in any way except as to observe my internal processes and the nature of me as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, in order that I may forgive myself and change my nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the polarity of superiority/inferiority, wherein I think/believe/perceive knowledge and information as some kind of power over me, making me less-than another within the belief that I may not know enough and be called out, which would be embarrassing, instead of standing up as Who I Am as a human being, equal to and one with all other beings in existence where no polarity actually exists, and where to fear another would mean to fear myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself because I don’t trust that I will ‘keep it together’ in and emotional argument, wherein I fear I will go into ‘survival mode’ and attack the other, either physically or verbally, thus creating consequences I don’t want to face.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to trust myself with another being, within the belief that another being can ‘set me off’ and I will lose control because I have so much anger which I so easily project onto another instead of taking responsibility for that anger and using it to change me into a being that is responsible and who lives according to the principles of equality and oneness, within which anger is not created as no abuse is possible when all are equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my suppressed anger when I’m in a confrontation wherein I project onto the other being all the anger I have towards myself, for all the times I should have stopped or stood up, but didn’t, in this, I end up blaming others for me not being able to stand, because I fear them, or I go into inferiority around them, and instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that these are only beliefs in my mind, I believe them to be real and to be caused by the other being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away and thus to disempower myself by using blame within the belief that the other being is causing me to fear, and/or is causing me to experience the internal energetic experience of inferiority and vulnerability, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that is has always been me creating these experiences due to me making the experience seem so real by participating within and as them since my beginnings, instead of standing up and saying ‘NO’, and stopping myself from the temptations of the mind, and instead observing the reality of the situation for what it really is, which is basically and energetic shitshow where everyone involved is just doing the same thing in endless circles, which is spewing opinions, instigating confrontations, participating in reactive behaviours/feelings/emotions and feeding their egos by wanting/needing/desiring to ‘win’ and be ‘right’ as I experienced within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become tempted to compete in the game of the survival of the fittest ego, which is a game of intimidation, polarity and manipulation, a game which has no meaning and no end, and which only creates conflict between peers and time loops to be lived out again as a waste of time and thus a waste of Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste even one second of my Life by trying to compete against another’s ego, within and as my ego, instead of standing up as all  as one as equal as Life Here, within the cooperation, support, listening/hearing, respect, dignity and integrity that I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up due to fear of embarrassment, instead of embracing myself as Life wherein I accept me no matter what mistakes I experience  in front of a groups, because I understand that mistakes are opportunities to learn and change and improve me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in the emotional energetic experience of fear, anger and competition against another instead of asserting myself within awareness, wherein it is very clear why and how this behavior is abusive, and why and how I will not stand for/as it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear another as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe another human being is superior to me because he/she displays more conviction, wherein one is a CONVICT of vIctory Over aNother. This is not equality. This is what, in a billion little ways, creates a world of inequality, and I STOP myself from participating within and as this behavior in my daily life, so as not to pass it along or perpetuate in even one of the billion little ways, so that I can be one part of the change we need to be to change our nature and thus, change our reality to one that supports instead of destroys Life.

I commit myself to STOP participating in the behavior of survival, competition, and inferiority/superiority that has thus far been the nature that I have consciously or subconsciously accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, as ‘human nature’ which we learn/create/pass on from generation to generation and perpetuate through our economic system, consumerism, education, religion and most all man(mind)-made systems within which we exist and collectively participate in today.

I commit myself to stop my participation within the indulgence of the mind in emotional and feeling energy that I have become addicted to, and to instead stand up from within that in order to function as a part of the actual physical reality we all share HERE and NOT in my mind where only I exist.

I commit myself to eradicate from myself, through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, the emotions, feeling, ideas and beliefs (etc…) that overwhelm me and cause me to shake, until I am stable, Here, and able to breathe through these reactions in order that I may see a situation with clarity, practicality and understanding, and direct myself according to what is best for all, and not what is best for ego.

I commit myself to understanding myself so that I may direct myself within equality and oneness, and not fear the unknown parts of my mind that cause me to not trust me.

I commit myself to walk into the darkness that I am in order that I may not fear me, but may instead expose me to myself and change that which is not aligned to what’s best for all until my living, breathing actions and words are a statement and a living application of equality and oneness wherein I allow myself to be the hearing/listening, seeing, understanding being of dignity, integrity and respect that I Am.

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of fear, anger or inferiority with another being in some kind of confrontation I STOP, and I breathe until the energy is gone. I direct myself to take a step back from the situation in order that I may see clearly the actual reality of what is going on and what my role is within it. I direct myself to either stop my participation, or to act, wherein my actions are based on what’s best for all within the practical limitations of this physical reality.