Day 199- Tracing the Source Patterns of OCD (pt 2)

I am going to share an excerpt from my last chat with Bernard Poolman, within which I asked for insight on how I can assist and support myself within walking through and out of the point of OCD. The following structure was provided:

"Memories, for instance could be a series of memories that started at a point and then mutated through the imagination into an other-worldly memory and eventually into a memory that facilitate a feeling or a presence, which then transfers into for instance an action like skin-picking. Here you can for instance, walk it backwards - when a point of OCD occur, then you look at the feeling, dissect it, then you look at the pattern of the feeling, then look at the memories related to it, which are the circumstantial activation points. A Memory will be a reflection within your environment that cause a repeating pattern. Then look at how you have, through repeated views of the memories as thoughts, as thinking about it, as feeling about it - mutated it. Then, search for the original memory, the event, which started it all and then compare the original memory with the memory as it now exist to realise how you have changed it to support the particular repeating paranoia."

http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=paranoia+desteni&FORM=HDRSC2#view=detail&id=EB5B43E4703AD3E2B46C5350D5AC4CE9F8021CF

I utilized these points to write this blog: Day 196- Tracing the SourcePatterns of OCD.  It is from this blog that I am continuing to investigate how past memories have come back to haunt me – so to speak- because I have used them to create an alternate or other-worldly reality/experience of myself that is not actually completely aligned with the reality that I actually live as myself. The following excerpt comes from my previous blog, which I suggest be read for context. These are the words I will be working with to begin my self-forgiveness:

“I was not able to, at that age, consider that there is a learning process. I did not realize that I was being actively taught something, and I thought that I was already supposed to know these things that the other students knew. I didn’t realize that it was ok that I didn’t know the language yet, or that I was not the only one in the position of not knowing. I reacted to the situation in a state of fear and confusion, and instead of remaining in the present moment and enjoying the learning process and simply listening to the new words, I searched into the past as if I had forgotten to do something or missed something along the way, and I remained utterly confused and frozen with incomprehension as I searched fruitlessly for this knowledge I was apparently supposed to have. Obviously I did not have this knowledge yet, and my search for it was in vain”

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to understand everything immediately, in other words and furthermore:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that concepts are only understandable if I can understand them right away/immediately and without effort. Within this,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘shut down’ within myself when and as I am confronted/presented with a concept that I do not yet understand, due to the belief that I will never understand accompanied by frustration,confusion and self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look inwards, to direct my attention internally, desperately and frantically searching for knowledge and information pre-existent within myself as a means to comprehend or understand a concept that I am not familiar with, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the answer is not in my mind, my programming or my understanding, at least not yet, it is in the physical and thus it takes physical time and patience for the process of learning and integration through common sense and a step-by-step process of practice and understanding

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to confusion within/as fear and avoidance, within/as self-defeat expressed as “I just don’t get it”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought “I just don’t get it” to exist within and as me as a form of giving up and shutting down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the energetic experience of fear and panic to the thought “I just don’t get it”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the decision within and as myself, that when I don’t ‘get’ something, I will never get it, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as inferior to the knowledge and information, and inferior to those who do get it faster than/before myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as less-than and inferior during the learning process, which causes me to fear and avoid the learning process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and avoid the learning process due to my own accepted and allowed self-judgment regarding who and how I am within learning.

To be continued…

Day 140- Assertiveness as Steadfastness as Breath (pt 4)

In this blog, I will be purifying and then redefining the word ‘Steadfastness’, in my previous three posts ( read them here: 1, 2, 3), I have done so with the word ‘assertiveness’. I am doing this so that I remove my relationship to the word, the relationship I have created with/towards the word, within which I would seek to experience the word as an experience, rather than actually living the word in my daily breath to breath application of myself as Who I Am.
For example, if I have connected a positive connotation to the word ‘steadfastness’, then I would chase that positive feeling in an attempt to be steadfast, when steadfastness, by its very definition, implies a dutiful consistency regardless of one’s emotional or feeling state. So could I call myself steadfast if I only lived steadfastness in bits and spurts when I was feeling ‘positive,’ ‘motivated,’ or ‘up to it’, wherein, as soon as I fall into a slump of some sort I fall back to old habits? No, obviously not. That is not a living word; that is rather an internal experience based on energy, labeled by a word, which is thus then subject to energy with no consistency, and which can therefore not be trusted. In order for ‘steadfast’ to become a living word as me, it is necessary to learn how to live the word practically. It is necessary to practice being consistent through all the ups and downs I may experience as I stabilize myself, in order to prove to myself that I Am Steadfastness, consistently, until I can trust myself as ‘steadfastness' in each breath, as breath.
First I will write self-forgiveness statements to expose and debunk the definition I currently hold of the word steadfast, so that I can redefine it from a clear starting point, in a practical way that I can actually apply in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfast’ with a positive charge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word ‘steadfastness’ as good/positive/right.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ by charging the word ‘steadfastness’ with a positive charge, and judging the word ‘steadfastness’ as good/right/positive in separation of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfastness’ with the image of an older ‘successful’ male.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the image of an older, successful male.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the image of an older, ‘successful’ male, by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the image of an older ‘successful’ male, in separation of myself.
Obviously, as a woman, I can never be an ‘older, successful male’. However, it is my relationship to the image in my mind, as that which it represents to me, that I am not allowing myself to be, by separating myself from it by creating an image of it in my mind, as if only ‘older, successful males’ are able to embody the word ‘steadfastness’- thus never actually accepting and allowing myself to fully live the word myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word steadfast to the word ‘sturdy’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘sturdy;.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘sturdy’ by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘sturdy’ in separation of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfastness’ with the word ‘strong’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘strong’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘strong’, by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘strong’ in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word steadfast with the word consistent,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word steadfast within the word consistent,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘consistent’ by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘consistent’ in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfast’ to the image of a big tree..
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfast’ within the image of a big tree.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfast’ and from a big tree, by defining the word ‘steadfast’ within the image of a big tree in separation f myself.

Dictionary definition:
Resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering: "steadfast loyalty".
Sounding out the word::
inSTEAD of FASTNESS
New Definition:
Moving with the physical, resolutely and dutifully firm and unwavering breath by breath self-movement with and as the physical. Not becoming swept away by the racing mind, not participating in the energetic forces that occupy one and pull one into the mad rush, the daily rush; the daily race that is the human race; the rat race.
Remaining Here, present and aware, consistently and steadily, bringing self back Here every time, no matter what. Letting go of the want/need/desire to get ‘there’ and to be ‘there’ instead of slowing down to the nearly standstill eternity of Here.

 

 

Day 122- I Am No Match For ME

This blog is part of a series of blogs (listed at the end) within which I am untangling the patterns and habits I had created and manifested within and as myself that cause me to have problems at school, studying and taking responsibility for myself in these ways. It’s interesting because although these blogs stemmed from the issues I experience while studying, they truly branch out, reveal and expose general habits and patterns that play out in many other areas, including touching on global problems. In this way it is demonstrated how the macro (global systems) indeed exists within the micro (the individual), and the without reflects the within.

 

In my last blog post I was dealing with frustration. I described how waves of frustration will pass over me, and I summed up the elements of this experience as:
Lack of discipline which causes frustration caused by lack of self-movement due to helplessness in the face of my own defiance.

 

 

I made an analogy of ‘my own defiance’ feelinglike being confrontedby a defiant childand feeling helpless because one cannot ‘force’ a child to do anything if the child so chooses to set its mind upon being defiant. I related that the inability to do anything about that situation was due to potential consequences. What I was referring to was situation where adults become so frustrated with the child that they will use physical force/violence, or violent words/reaction such as getting angryand yelling- both approaches would normally have negative impacts on both adult and child, which were the negative consequences I was talking about in my last blog.

Bringing it back to self:

When I am defiant within and towards myself it is due to the fact that I am experiencing something that I fear giving up. When I am doing my studies, it requires focus and concentration. This has been quite a challenge for me, causing great frustration. So what do I fear giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is protecting self, what it the self-interest within/as this fear?

Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ (which really means laziness), the

control of my mind to pursue likes and avoid dislikes.

The self-interest inherent within all these things is giving up my time, as in “’my’ time”: The time that I take just for ‘me’ to do whatever ‘I’ want. But really, this is not true: it’s not what I want. What I (as the directive principle of me) want is to do my studies, to push myself to do the best I am able, to be able to direct myself to do something without losing an internal battle. So what is this ‘I’ that wants only to be lazy, to pursue ‘likes’ and avoid ‘dislikes’ according to some system of judgment about what is ‘likeable’ and what is ‘unlikeable’- a system of judgment of ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ that actually diminishes me in so many ways, least of all is my grades- and a system of judgment that I have no recollection of creating, yet one that rules my life in so many ways? It is me. But it is not myself as life; it is myself as a very programmable mind which I have been programming in unawareness my whole life. Within and during this unawareness, my mind has run rampant with creating and directing me, to the point where I do not even really recognize myself.

It’s interesting because when I’m really honest with myself, I can see that the perception I have of myself is different than who I really am. This is obvious as I take at look back at my day every night, consider all the things I had set out to do (intention), and then seeing the things I had actually done. But who I Am does not exist within intention, who I really am as living actions is something different from my intentions. The actions that I actually live out are what are relevant, because that is the living expression of me and my participation in this world, as it is for all of us. THAT is what counts. So it’s quite a wakeup call when I see that my living expression/participation in this world is not even under my own control, as I set out to do things that I don’t end up doing, or I end up doing less well than I am able, thus putting up with a sub-standard version of myself. THAT is unacceptable.

I react to this in frustration, but that is only yet another way to just let it keep happening. Because within that frustration exists statements like “this is just impossible,” “I can’t do this,” and “I give up” etc... thus really just making myself miserable because I’m accepting and allowing myself to continue by just giving up on myself, and not taking my power back nor directing myself within self-discipline.

 

I will continue with self-forgiveness within my next blog, by taking apart each paragraph to reveal what is still hidden within the words, so that I can correct myself in writing, and live that correction into my actions.

To learn these self-supportive writing tools visit: DIP LITE

For the entire series:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)

Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)

Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)

Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)

Day 118- Learning How To Learn

Day119- Equality as a Student

Day121- Calming the Waves of Frustration

Day 119- Equality as a Student

Over the last series of blogs I have been correcting my habits and behaviour as a student, in order to change my behaviours into constructive ones that will build myself as a self from which to stand and direct myself as Who and How I would like to be. This blog is continued from this series.

I am handling this issue by looking at the type of character I become when it comes to schoolwork. If I am participating within an activity that I like, that I’m interested in or that I have chosen to do, I have a much easier time getting into it and doing the work. I definitely still have focus and distractibility issues because these are not skills I had spent any time on developing throughout my life. Isn’t it funny that we rarely asses who we are, how we are, how we would like to instead be, and the practical steps it would require over time to become that? However, I’m not sure that such tools existed to effectively de-program the habits and patterns we consist of as personalities, in order to make such fundamental changes.

The Desteni tools do just that, and what makes them unique is that they take into consideration each individual’s part in the whole. It’s interesting because it is literally a deconstruction process in which one will have a critical look at one’s self/self-interest/ego, and then systematically dismantle it. What’s interesting about this is that many of the egoic behaviours we all participate in, are actually quite destructive to ourselves and the world around us. On a global level, each individual acting in self-interest has accumulated to create the world we see today. A good example of this is the stock market, where there is apparently an ‘invisible hand’ at work, however, upon common-sense investigating it is obvious that the invisible hand is simply the combined scramble for gains in self-interest of each participant.

Another interesting outflow of deconstructing one’s own ego, and replacing the ‘I’ with the ‘We’ when it comes to ones actions, words and thought, is that beyond the ego there is an actual oneness and equality that is already Here. The equality is apparent in the physical world, that we all have the same requirements to survive; we all literally come from the dust of the same earth, breathe the same air and drink the same water. But the oneness is not so apparent The oneness that we all are is like a living organism, in that we NEED to work together, in consideration of each other, to make a world and world system that works. The world and world systems we have today are obviously absolutely unacceptable, but we’re all too scared to change and to give instead of take, trapped within our separated egos where self-interest reigns supreme.

With the Desteni tools, one is able to see beyond one’s self as ego/self-interest only, and the fears therein, to one’s basic humanity, oneness and equality with all that’s Here. In that, one will understand the necessity to give as one would like to receive. All Life on earth actively gives and participates in a system of equality, it is time we as humanity do the same.

However, I have spent the past thirty years creating myself as a multitude of personalities and a literal cast of characters as coping mechanisms and survival techniques as I have grown up In this system learning that I have to compete for my survival, and that my personal comfort and happiness should be my ultimate goals. So far, this way of thinking and living has done very little for me as a human being and in terms of that which I contribute to the whole. Life is not about attaining experiences, but rather about giving and creating a self and a world that we would be honoured to leave for the generations to come. The sheer potential of humanity has been crushed in this world, where we have diminished our global population to haves and have-nots, competing, fearing, surviving and feverishly pursuing greed, lust, and power. It’s time for this to end, and for us to realize that there is more to Life, and that Life itself has not yet been lived by human beings, because, I think the majority of the world’s population would agree with me when I say: This is no Life, currently: this is no way to live.

But, we can only move one breath at a time, one point at a time, one character at a time. The character I have been working on is the ‘getting out of work’ character. I have already worked through the thought, fear, and imagination dimensions, which has thus far been a fascinating process as I have exposed to myself all the ways in which I had literally sabotaged myself as a student. Previously, I had come to the conclusion that I was just not capable of being an effective student, however, throughout this process, it has become clear to me that this is not so, I had only in fact required to change some key behaviours, which I am continuing to expose within this blog, as only myself as an ego can consider me to be less than what I’m capable of, less than the schoolwork, and less-than self-movement.

My goal is to stop diminishing and limiting myself with judgments, ideas, perceptions and beliefs, but to instead stand equal and one to myself. This way, I am the one that decides, not my mood, not my motivation , nor my self-judgments or beliefs. I decide to stand one and equal to myself, so that I can stand one and equal to all that’s here. But, first things first, and I am untangling the bad habits and patterns within the character I play as a student that constantly made excuses to ‘get out of the work’, in order that I may understand exactly how I had created myself over these past 15 years in the education system, so that I can re-created myself as something new, something that I decided in awareness, and something that will be able to stand no matter what, because this kind of self-equality is what will be required if I want to continue to walk with the group that is dedicated to bring about world equality, beginning with economic change.

Next blog:
Character dimension: Reaction.

To learn these self-supportive writting tools visit: DIP LITE

For the entire series:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)

Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)

Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)

Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)

Day 118- Learning How To Learn

Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)

This blog is a continued from: Day 115- FullyCommitting to my Studies (pt7).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest an imaginary situation of me ‘zipping through my schoolwork with ease’ within and as me, as the result of not wanting to face the reality of the situation, which is that the schoolwork requires me to apply myself fully and over time, which seems slow and painful in the mind, because the mind is not used to working in ‘real time,’ or physical time, which is breath-by-breath, slow and steady, wherein, when and as I am faced with schoolwork, myself as my mind ‘zips’ through it, already imagining myself being done, instead of taking a breath, and actually doing it in real time, wherein I would do the assignment breath-by-breath and not create unnecessary relationships with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by imagining tasks as easier and less time consuming than they really are, wherein working in physical time will then seem slow and painful, when in fact is ‘just is’, and the judgment placed upon it exists only In my mind, as a result/consequence of imagining that it would be fast and easy, which also exists only in my mind, thus the entire scenario is self-created, proving it can be uncreated through stopping my participation in the source, which is my imagination/mind.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created an entire character around ‘getting out of the work’ I have to do, a character from which I imagine myself easily ‘zipping through the work’, making it harder for me to face the actual work due to added resistances/judgments/relationships with/to/towards the work, thus perpetuating the ‘get out of work’ character.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to align myself with the reality of the work I face, by taking into consideration the amount of time it will require, and the fact that it will require many steps, both forward and back, in order to complete any given assignment or any task in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in the mind of imagination instead of moving myself in physical reality in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about not just one assignment at a time, but rather imagine ALL the assignments, tests and quizzes I’ll have to eventually do, because I have pursued the energy that I derive from needlessly stressing myself out about school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the energy I derive from imagining having to do an assignment, which creates a minor amount of stress within/as me, which I then increase by continuing to think of the assignments due in my other class, and then the tests and exams, until I am in a state of overwhelming-ness, stress and anxiety about school, which causes me to want to avoid it by getting out of the work because now the work seems like ‘too much’ to handle or cope with, thus manifesting the 'getting out of the work' character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a mountain out of a molehill when it comes to my schoolwork, instead of simply taking it one thing at a time and just doing it within the realization that the only way to get through it all is by taking it one thing at a time, thus there is absolutely no reason to imagine anything more than what’s actually Here beyond simply organizing myself within a schedule.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compress time in my head wherein I’ll have to face everything at once, which is direct self-sabotage in creating an ‘insurmountable wall of work’ that is/was a completely unnecessary experience, but one which keeps me from simply remaining Here, walking step by step through that which needs to get done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself from being Here, by creating energetic experiences within/as me through imagining scenarios/compressing time in my mind, taking me away from Here and pulling me up into my mind to deal with imaginary situations that don’t exist but that I make ‘real’ through participating within/as them by giving them attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the stress/anxiety/overwhelmingness I create by/through compressing time by bringing all future work/assignment here to face all at once, by reacting to it and completely losing myself in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest stress/anxiety/overwhelmingness by imagining all of my work all at once, and then supressing these emotions by not looking at their source, but simply ‘living with’ a ‘ball’ of stress/anxiety/overwhelming-ness in my solar plexus, leading me to feel defeated and discouraged, not wanting to face my work, but never really understanding why, and instead of investigating it, I created the 'getting out of the work' character to avoid facing myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to investigate the source of my feeling/emotions and then cross-referencing them with physical reality space/time which would prove they are not valid and can’t be trusted.

Self-Correction to follow.

To learn these self-supportive writting tools visite DIP LITE

For the entire series:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)

Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7) 

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

I’ve gotten to the point where I am able to move myself to go and actually set time for something and sit down to start it, but then, as I’m doing it, I “just start going crazy” within myself. I don’t know how many times I’ve said that. But I get super uncomfortable and distractible and preoccupied which I accept and allow to pull me away from the task at hand and prolong the time it takes to do it, instead of sitting down, focusing and working through it comfortably.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself from focusing on a project/assignment by following my mind into distractions/preoccupations/resistances which create the experience of powerlessness and thus the experience of ‘going crazy’, as if it were something beyond my control and being done ‘unto’ me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is an experience that builds up over time, starting with my participation in future projections of what I think/believe/perceive that work will be like, within the want/need/desire for it to be easy.
I

 forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest the energetic experience of uncomfortability, distractibility, and preoccupation based on my mind, instead of focusing Here, in breathe, as presence and awareness as I move myself physically through the assignment/work/project, at the physical pace at which understanding and information absorption and application takes place.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pull myself away from the task I am doing, by following the mind instead of breathing Here, breathing through the consequences I have created for myself, and changing self in order to not create them again.

Today in a conversation it was pointed out to me that there is an underlying character, beneath the ‘self-movement’ point I had been working on, which happens over and over again and sabotages me from achieving effective self-movement, which is extremely frustrating, and which fuels the experience of ‘going crazy’.

What I see within this point is that I’m accepting and allowing all these things to direct and move me, anything except to just be here with me, doing my work. Since I was little I remember looking at schoolwork all at once, and instead of breaking it up and doing it bit by bit, I would just get overwhelmed and think “I can’t do all that” “I can’t understand that because look, I don’t understand that right now”. So here is an obvious lack of consideration for all the small steps that need to take place to work through it.

Tonight for example, I had an assignment. I Already visualized myself done the assignment and in that scenario I projected- it was easy. And I was done quick. In reality, it wasn’t ‘hard’ per se, it just took a lot of focus and actual work and it took almost 4 hours. I ‘ve noticed I would visualize an assignment as being easy and done quickly, and then go to do the assignment, and try to live that experience wherein I would just skim through and do the bare minimum. However now I am more focused on putting my all in to it and reaching the highest standards I practically can. But I’m not able to do as well as I know I could because then I sit down and draw it out super inefficiently and it creates this whole relationship towards it wherein I feel like I’m ‘going crazy’.

For example, the assignment that took almost 4 hours, I could have reasonably done it in less time, but I kept getting up and moving around and becoming distracted. I understand that I cannot just sit there and plow through it completely focused for hours, that I need to take breaks every now and again. But, the point is to have those breaks be self-directed, wherein, I would direct myself to work on the project for, say 45 minutes, and then take a fifteen minute break, and continue like that until the assignment is done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become distracted when I set myself up to sit down and focus.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become directed by my mind of energy in moments where I find the work I am doing to be ‘more difficult’ than I had imagined.

I will approach this as a character, identified as the ‘Underestimating’ character, because of the fact that I kno I can do the work, and I know I can do it well so long as I apply myself. But it’s the projection of the work being easy that messes with my application. Whenever I finish an assignment I look back at the work and think, “well, that wasn’t so hard”. However, when I was doing the assignment, especially in the beginning stages, I felt like I was climbing a mountain when I was expecting a molehill. The Underestimating character will be the focus of my blogs till I am confident that I have walked it through and understand it in it’s entirety.