Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)

This blog is a continued from: Day 115- FullyCommitting to my Studies (pt7).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest an imaginary situation of me ‘zipping through my schoolwork with ease’ within and as me, as the result of not wanting to face the reality of the situation, which is that the schoolwork requires me to apply myself fully and over time, which seems slow and painful in the mind, because the mind is not used to working in ‘real time,’ or physical time, which is breath-by-breath, slow and steady, wherein, when and as I am faced with schoolwork, myself as my mind ‘zips’ through it, already imagining myself being done, instead of taking a breath, and actually doing it in real time, wherein I would do the assignment breath-by-breath and not create unnecessary relationships with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by imagining tasks as easier and less time consuming than they really are, wherein working in physical time will then seem slow and painful, when in fact is ‘just is’, and the judgment placed upon it exists only In my mind, as a result/consequence of imagining that it would be fast and easy, which also exists only in my mind, thus the entire scenario is self-created, proving it can be uncreated through stopping my participation in the source, which is my imagination/mind.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created an entire character around ‘getting out of the work’ I have to do, a character from which I imagine myself easily ‘zipping through the work’, making it harder for me to face the actual work due to added resistances/judgments/relationships with/to/towards the work, thus perpetuating the ‘get out of work’ character.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to align myself with the reality of the work I face, by taking into consideration the amount of time it will require, and the fact that it will require many steps, both forward and back, in order to complete any given assignment or any task in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in the mind of imagination instead of moving myself in physical reality in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about not just one assignment at a time, but rather imagine ALL the assignments, tests and quizzes I’ll have to eventually do, because I have pursued the energy that I derive from needlessly stressing myself out about school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the energy I derive from imagining having to do an assignment, which creates a minor amount of stress within/as me, which I then increase by continuing to think of the assignments due in my other class, and then the tests and exams, until I am in a state of overwhelming-ness, stress and anxiety about school, which causes me to want to avoid it by getting out of the work because now the work seems like ‘too much’ to handle or cope with, thus manifesting the 'getting out of the work' character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a mountain out of a molehill when it comes to my schoolwork, instead of simply taking it one thing at a time and just doing it within the realization that the only way to get through it all is by taking it one thing at a time, thus there is absolutely no reason to imagine anything more than what’s actually Here beyond simply organizing myself within a schedule.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compress time in my head wherein I’ll have to face everything at once, which is direct self-sabotage in creating an ‘insurmountable wall of work’ that is/was a completely unnecessary experience, but one which keeps me from simply remaining Here, walking step by step through that which needs to get done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself from being Here, by creating energetic experiences within/as me through imagining scenarios/compressing time in my mind, taking me away from Here and pulling me up into my mind to deal with imaginary situations that don’t exist but that I make ‘real’ through participating within/as them by giving them attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the stress/anxiety/overwhelmingness I create by/through compressing time by bringing all future work/assignment here to face all at once, by reacting to it and completely losing myself in it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest stress/anxiety/overwhelmingness by imagining all of my work all at once, and then supressing these emotions by not looking at their source, but simply ‘living with’ a ‘ball’ of stress/anxiety/overwhelming-ness in my solar plexus, leading me to feel defeated and discouraged, not wanting to face my work, but never really understanding why, and instead of investigating it, I created the 'getting out of the work' character to avoid facing myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to investigate the source of my feeling/emotions and then cross-referencing them with physical reality space/time which would prove they are not valid and can’t be trusted.

Self-Correction to follow.

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For the entire series:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)

Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7) 

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

Getting Out of the Work: Fear Dimension

The fears I have in relation to the character or personality I have created around ‘getting out of the work’ are as follows:

1) I fear I will not understand this assignment and my work will reflect this, wherein I fear the teacher will think I’m stupid/dumb/slow.

2) I fear that if I start this work I will only see that I’m not capable of doing it so I might as well just not do it.

3) I fear I’ll never have time to do this properly, I’ve already pretty much failed”

Self-forgiveness for this self-limiting self-talk:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not understanding this assignment and my work will reflecting this lack of understanding, and that the teacher will think I’m dumb/stupid/slow, as a result of the underlying fears of failure and judgment I have created and manifested within and as me through past thoughts and memories, beliefs and judgments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have built up the fear that I will not understand my schoolwork based on the fact that I have stored and held on to the past memories, thoughts, judgments and beliefs about myself in relation to school.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories, judgments, beliefs and thoughts in order to create fear within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself to remain trapped and enslaved to energetic experiences of the mind, such as fear, and I see, realize and understand that I could have also held onto the moments of academic success and all the moments where I exceeded my expectations which would then balance out the fact that I sometimes struggle, thus I see that I as the mind am not basing my self-perception and my view of my ability on an equal and one assessment of my history within school, but have rather manipulated the information in my mind, without any awareness, to create fear, which makes me want to give up and not face anything, thus keeping me limited and enslaved to the delusional assessment of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my ability to do the particular assignment I have to do before even opening the book and trying, or starting the assignment and ‘talking myself into fear’ by participating in my mind of fears wherein I will automatically assume I will not understand, automatically assume my work will be unclear/wrong/bad, and automatically assume my teacher will judge me as such, instead of making sure I understand the objective of the assignment, and then opening the book and taking it one part at a time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the fear that trying/applying myself is a risk because it may only serve to prove my fear that I won’t be able to do the assignment well, instead of facing that fear and simply moving myself to begin, within the realization and understanding that even if I don’t understand it, it’s not the end of the world, it simply means that I will have to direct the situation, by either asking for assistance/support from my TA or teacher, or re-reading the assignment more closely, more slowly, re-reading the question or taking a short break and looking at it again with a ‘fresh; eye.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that I will move myself effectively through my studies and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself that I will do what needs to be done in order to do the work and do it well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my assessment of myself within a lack of self-trust and an overabundance of self-doubt, despite that physical evidence and proof that I can in fact do it, and have been doing it well. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind of thoughts, feeling and emotions instead of the physical proof of who I am and how I am, and instead of looking forward and striving for more, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself, making it more difficult for me to do the work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure within my studies, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s not a matter of pass or fail, but rather a
process that I can build and improve upon, taking what I perceive as ‘failure’ instead as indicators of what the teacher wants me to do differently, and then to change/adjust my approach to the material differently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tempt myself to give up before I even start, because it is the easy way out that doesn’t require me to break old habits and patterns, let go of old beliefs and dare myself to walk through my fears towards self-expansion, as a ‘growing’, where the old must go in order for the new to develop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to let go and give up ‘the old’ self I had created because of the fact that it seems safe and secure and comfortable and known. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the ‘known’ as safe, secure and comfortable, and the unknown as scary, insecure and unsafe, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I make my true self ‘known’ every time I push myself or face my fears.

Self-committments and Self'Corrective Application statements to follow...