Day 122- I Am No Match For ME

This blog is part of a series of blogs (listed at the end) within which I am untangling the patterns and habits I had created and manifested within and as myself that cause me to have problems at school, studying and taking responsibility for myself in these ways. It’s interesting because although these blogs stemmed from the issues I experience while studying, they truly branch out, reveal and expose general habits and patterns that play out in many other areas, including touching on global problems. In this way it is demonstrated how the macro (global systems) indeed exists within the micro (the individual), and the without reflects the within.

 

In my last blog post I was dealing with frustration. I described how waves of frustration will pass over me, and I summed up the elements of this experience as:
Lack of discipline which causes frustration caused by lack of self-movement due to helplessness in the face of my own defiance.

 

 

I made an analogy of ‘my own defiance’ feelinglike being confrontedby a defiant childand feeling helpless because one cannot ‘force’ a child to do anything if the child so chooses to set its mind upon being defiant. I related that the inability to do anything about that situation was due to potential consequences. What I was referring to was situation where adults become so frustrated with the child that they will use physical force/violence, or violent words/reaction such as getting angryand yelling- both approaches would normally have negative impacts on both adult and child, which were the negative consequences I was talking about in my last blog.

Bringing it back to self:

When I am defiant within and towards myself it is due to the fact that I am experiencing something that I fear giving up. When I am doing my studies, it requires focus and concentration. This has been quite a challenge for me, causing great frustration. So what do I fear giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is protecting self, what it the self-interest within/as this fear?

Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ (which really means laziness), the

control of my mind to pursue likes and avoid dislikes.

The self-interest inherent within all these things is giving up my time, as in “’my’ time”: The time that I take just for ‘me’ to do whatever ‘I’ want. But really, this is not true: it’s not what I want. What I (as the directive principle of me) want is to do my studies, to push myself to do the best I am able, to be able to direct myself to do something without losing an internal battle. So what is this ‘I’ that wants only to be lazy, to pursue ‘likes’ and avoid ‘dislikes’ according to some system of judgment about what is ‘likeable’ and what is ‘unlikeable’- a system of judgment of ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ that actually diminishes me in so many ways, least of all is my grades- and a system of judgment that I have no recollection of creating, yet one that rules my life in so many ways? It is me. But it is not myself as life; it is myself as a very programmable mind which I have been programming in unawareness my whole life. Within and during this unawareness, my mind has run rampant with creating and directing me, to the point where I do not even really recognize myself.

It’s interesting because when I’m really honest with myself, I can see that the perception I have of myself is different than who I really am. This is obvious as I take at look back at my day every night, consider all the things I had set out to do (intention), and then seeing the things I had actually done. But who I Am does not exist within intention, who I really am as living actions is something different from my intentions. The actions that I actually live out are what are relevant, because that is the living expression of me and my participation in this world, as it is for all of us. THAT is what counts. So it’s quite a wakeup call when I see that my living expression/participation in this world is not even under my own control, as I set out to do things that I don’t end up doing, or I end up doing less well than I am able, thus putting up with a sub-standard version of myself. THAT is unacceptable.

I react to this in frustration, but that is only yet another way to just let it keep happening. Because within that frustration exists statements like “this is just impossible,” “I can’t do this,” and “I give up” etc... thus really just making myself miserable because I’m accepting and allowing myself to continue by just giving up on myself, and not taking my power back nor directing myself within self-discipline.

 

I will continue with self-forgiveness within my next blog, by taking apart each paragraph to reveal what is still hidden within the words, so that I can correct myself in writing, and live that correction into my actions.

To learn these self-supportive writing tools visit: DIP LITE

For the entire series:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)

Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)

Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)

Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)

Day 118- Learning How To Learn

Day119- Equality as a Student

Day121- Calming the Waves of Frustration

Day 56- Am I the 'Annoyed Daughter' -Self-Corrective Statements Continued

Each of these self-corrective and commitment statement is direclty related to each of the self-forgiveness statements made within this blog: Day 54- Am I the 'Annoyed Daughter'?, and is the continuation of  Day 55- Am I the 'Annoyed Daughter' -Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see that I am desiring the experience of ‘moreness’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to myself within the consideration of myself as a whole, Here; One which does not require to be ‘more than’ within and as an energetic experience of the mind, but to simply return to breath, Here, within and as my physical body in the present moment, which is the only moment I have to move me and live me effectively from a starting point of oneness and equality, where no one is ‘more than’ another, and no experience within and as the mind is ‘more than’ what is actually physically Here.

I commit myself to walking through the experience of the desire for ‘moreness’ in order to live the realization that anything ‘more than’ what is actually, physically Here is nothing but an illusion that exists only in the mind.

I commit myself to ground myself within and as this physical reality, to walk myself out of the mind of illusions and I commit myself to be and become the living application of the realization that the pursuit of ‘moreness’ is actually diminishing myself as it takes me away from Here, thus taking me away from myself in order to engage in the pursuit of endless desires of the mind, fueled by energy derived from the physical, thus actually, literally consuming and diminishing myself into thin air.

When and as I see that I am going into/playing the role/character of ‘annoyed daughter’ in order to make me feel better about myself, specifically ‘mature’ and ‘responsible’ I stop, and I breathe. I take myself back from this act/illusion and ground myself Here within the realization that I am not these energetic pursuits of the mind, I am Here, and always have been- waiting for me to stop and realize.

I commit myself to stop my participation within and as the character of ‘annoyed daughter’ and to instead accept who I am without the desire to be more/be seen as more/see and define myself as more through playing characters that I believe are ‘more than' who I am Here.

I commit myself to self-change- to change those parts of me that I cannot accept because they are of ego and do not consider the Whole, equal and one, instead of abdicating my self-responsibility to do so through/as/within playing characters as a way to compensate for the ‘bad feelings’ and self-judgments I have manifested as a result of who/what/how I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become over time- in this case specifically the character of ‘annoyed daughter’ which, because of how I have defined it, gives me the illusion of being ‘responsible’ and ‘mature,’- because over time I have defined myself as ‘irresponsible’ and ‘immature’ because I have, over time, not taken self-responsibility in every moment and not acted maturely (as in- having not directed myself to ‘mature’ and ‘evolve’ as a person, but to have rather sat back and accepted/allowed myself to be directed and dictated by the mind, thus remaining stagnant and idle instead of me moving me, deciding who/what/how I am and will be by being the self-directive principle of myself). Within this, I commit myself to take myself back from the energetic illusionary characters I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as, by pulling them out one by one in order to see why/how I created them , so that I may delete them from within/as me, and start living Me for the first time, for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value perceiving myself as the ‘annoyed daughter’ who Is so responsible and mature rather than valuing what I actually am and what I am living, wherein, within this valuation I take care of who and what I am and that which I am actually living by writing it out, paying attention, being aware and taking responsibility for it.

When and as I see that I am valuing who I am as a character in any way whatsoever instead of valuing Who I Am as Life Here I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself out of the energetic possession by breathing through and out of the valuation of the character as if it is who I am by reminding myself that the only thing that is real about me is Who I Am Here as the physical- a physical body functioning within and as a physical world- anything beyond that is but a creation that has taken me away from taking the self-responsibility to create and value myself as Who I am as Life as the physical Here.

I commit myself to paying attention, being aware and taking self-responsibility for who I am and what I am living by writing it out, exposing and understanding it so that I may stop, self-forgive, delete and walkmy self-corrective application.

I commit myself to live the realization that the ‘annoyed daughter’ character is only make believe, it is not real nor has it ever been, that thus far I have believed it to be real and have lived according to it in moments, making it real to me by giving it my attention and energy.

I commit myself to stop acting from a starting point of trying to attain a ‘good/satisfied’ feeling through participating within and as the character of the ‘annoyed daughter’, which I believed defined me as ‘responsible’ and ‘mature’ to myself and others, and within this I commit myself to stop living a lie as a character as who I am and instead I commit myself to Livingas an actual being within and as this physical reality, participating and engaging fully present and aware, within and as the principle of doing what’sbest for all within the understanding that we are all one and equal, therefore what’s best for all is best for me.

When and as I see that I am reacting within and as annoyance in relation to my parents, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that I am only abusing myself and my parents by reacting within and as a character in order to manipulate myself into experiencing myself as ‘mature and responsible’- thus using them as secondary actors in my play where I am the main star- thus using them to validate my character that is the ideal that I desire to experience in the moment that I go into that character.

I commit myself to live and stand as a real being instead of living a lie and validating that lie through the manipulation and abuse of others, within the view that they are secondary actors of lesser value and I am the star because I have a perception of myself in my own mind that is seemingly more central and more important than all other beings in the world, simply because I am me.

I commit myself to stop valuing the self-perception of myself as superior in my own mind and I commit myself to instead live as an equal- valuing all as me one and equal.