Day 168- What Happens to Marriages?

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Within this blog I will be taking a pause from my direct focus on my process of walking through obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), which includes compulsive skin-picking disorder (CSP), body-dismorphic disorder (BDD), and general anxiety, in order to clear my mind and walk through a point that has presented itself in my life. This point is the end of my 10 year marriage.

Within this, I realize that I am not truly ‘taking a pause’ from walking OCD, because OCD is present in everything I do, as I have integrated it into and as the very fiber of Who I Am. Therefore, as I walk this relationship character I become within relationships, I am also clearing aspects of myself that have contributed to OCD in my life.

What I have noticed is that, it always comes back to self-acceptance, including self-love, self-fulfillment, cherishing and honouring self, equal to and one with everthing and everyone that is Here. But is always comes back to self first- clearing self first, creating an equality-based self-relationship first. This process is a difficult one and requires self-will, self-discipline and self-movement- all things I require to walk out of OCD, and qualities which I never  truly understood or thought I could develop.  Without self-acceptance, self-love, self-fulfillment, cherishing and honouring self, it is very  difficult for me to change. I require myself to be there for myself, and I realize that within relationships, I give much of myself away.

I would ideally have a partner in my life, and would enter into an agreement with one that is willing to stand with me, but I will not do so without a clear starting point. I realize that without clearing the starting point, one is bound to repeat the same mistakes, over and over, every time. I will be required to clear myself as ‘relationship Kim’, I character I play to fit into the role of relationships, so that I can enter into an agreement as a whole being that doesn’t require to play roles to be accepted by another. If I remain this way, I will only ever compromise myself within relationships.

So, here goes: Beginning with the fear dimension of this character, then I will move through to the ‘thought’ dimension, the  ‘back chat’/’internal conversation’, and then the ‘imagination’ dimension.

The Relationship character:

Fears:

I fear losing someone that loves and cherishes me.

I fear I won’t find another before it’s too late.

I fear I won’t be missed.

I fear being rejected.

I fear not being wanted, needed and desired

I fear losing the projection of the future I had created/not having a projection of a future anymore.

I fear losing the image I had created for myself, of ‘who I was’ in a relationship.

I fear facing jealousy.

I fear sharing what I had, what was ‘all mine’.

I fear I’ve made a mistake.

"I fear losing someone that loves and cherishes me."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing someone that loves and cherishes me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose externalized environmental feedback that I can use to create the energetic experience of ‘being loved’ and ‘being cherished’- indicating a starting point of being ‘unloved’ and ‘uncherished’ due to having never developed or enhanced myself as self-love and never truly cherishing myself. Having always depended on my environment and people within my environment to obtain these feelings as if they were possessions, being possessed by energy instead of facing the fact that I had only ever been emptying myself out the more I sought these things outside of myself. Constantly and continuously recreating the starting point of ‘unloved’ and ‘uncherished’ within myself, thus manifesting the end result equal to and one with the starting point.

I commit myself to use that which I fear losing to show myself that which I am not providing myself.

I commit myself to map out practical steps which, when lived over time, will develop self-love and teach myself what it means to cherish myself.

When and as I see that the fear of being unloved and uncherished is coming up within me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the development of self-love and self-cherishing by reminding myself I am Here for me, walking this process for me, taking responsibility for me- so that I constantly learn to clear my starting point and base myself as self-acceptance, self-love, and self-cherishing,  equal to and one with all that’s Here- of equal value, equal love, equally cherished, thus within loving and cherishing myself, I love and cherish others as me, instead of using others to fulfill the void I had created myself as- loveless and uncherished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-love and self-cherishing outside of myself, into and as another, thus making the other responsible for filling the void/myself as void, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the more I looked outside myself and placed my value in what others could give me, I was actually giving myself away in return for the experience of myself. I was digging into myself and creating a void, and giving pieces of me away in return for the experience of love, and the experience of being cherished, which was only ever just that: experience; momentary sensations leaving nothing but a desire for more, while giving away my potential for self-love and self-cherishing, potential which could have been substantial- of actual substance which would become parts of me, giving myself back parts of me instead of giving myself away; Creating myself as something/someone of substance. I can depend on and trust that which is substantial, while experience is fleeting, unpredictable, unstable, and leaves behind only impressions of what could be- without a means to become it.

I commit myself to Take Myself Back, piece by piece, by recognizing where and how I give myself away, by seeing when and where I look to others to make me feel something.

I commit myself to walk myself towards self-trust, self-dependability, and self-stability, by stopping myself from seeking experience within relationships, and instead giving attention to that which I am in fact, and developing and enhancing that which I am in matter and in fact.

When and as I see that I am looking to gain the experience of being cherished and being loved from another, I stop, and I breathe, I bring myself back to brutal self-honesty, by reminding myself of that which I am actually losing/giving away/not developing /not substantiating, by instead seeking it from another as a feeling or experience. I move myself to stand equal to and one with those in my life and world, not to gain something from them, but to learn and grow, and face myself as them, to grow and develop together. Based on agreed upon principles, and not taking from each other that which the other never really had to begin with.

I will continue within my next blog…

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Day 140- Assertiveness as Steadfastness as Breath (pt 4)

In this blog, I will be purifying and then redefining the word ‘Steadfastness’, in my previous three posts ( read them here: 1, 2, 3), I have done so with the word ‘assertiveness’. I am doing this so that I remove my relationship to the word, the relationship I have created with/towards the word, within which I would seek to experience the word as an experience, rather than actually living the word in my daily breath to breath application of myself as Who I Am.
For example, if I have connected a positive connotation to the word ‘steadfastness’, then I would chase that positive feeling in an attempt to be steadfast, when steadfastness, by its very definition, implies a dutiful consistency regardless of one’s emotional or feeling state. So could I call myself steadfast if I only lived steadfastness in bits and spurts when I was feeling ‘positive,’ ‘motivated,’ or ‘up to it’, wherein, as soon as I fall into a slump of some sort I fall back to old habits? No, obviously not. That is not a living word; that is rather an internal experience based on energy, labeled by a word, which is thus then subject to energy with no consistency, and which can therefore not be trusted. In order for ‘steadfast’ to become a living word as me, it is necessary to learn how to live the word practically. It is necessary to practice being consistent through all the ups and downs I may experience as I stabilize myself, in order to prove to myself that I Am Steadfastness, consistently, until I can trust myself as ‘steadfastness' in each breath, as breath.
First I will write self-forgiveness statements to expose and debunk the definition I currently hold of the word steadfast, so that I can redefine it from a clear starting point, in a practical way that I can actually apply in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfast’ with a positive charge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word ‘steadfastness’ as good/positive/right.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ by charging the word ‘steadfastness’ with a positive charge, and judging the word ‘steadfastness’ as good/right/positive in separation of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfastness’ with the image of an older ‘successful’ male.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the image of an older, successful male.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the image of an older, ‘successful’ male, by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the image of an older ‘successful’ male, in separation of myself.
Obviously, as a woman, I can never be an ‘older, successful male’. However, it is my relationship to the image in my mind, as that which it represents to me, that I am not allowing myself to be, by separating myself from it by creating an image of it in my mind, as if only ‘older, successful males’ are able to embody the word ‘steadfastness’- thus never actually accepting and allowing myself to fully live the word myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word steadfast to the word ‘sturdy’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘sturdy;.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘sturdy’ by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘sturdy’ in separation of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfastness’ with the word ‘strong’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘strong’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘strong’, by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘strong’ in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word steadfast with the word consistent,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word steadfast within the word consistent,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘consistent’ by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘consistent’ in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfast’ to the image of a big tree..
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfast’ within the image of a big tree.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfast’ and from a big tree, by defining the word ‘steadfast’ within the image of a big tree in separation f myself.

Dictionary definition:
Resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering: "steadfast loyalty".
Sounding out the word::
inSTEAD of FASTNESS
New Definition:
Moving with the physical, resolutely and dutifully firm and unwavering breath by breath self-movement with and as the physical. Not becoming swept away by the racing mind, not participating in the energetic forces that occupy one and pull one into the mad rush, the daily rush; the daily race that is the human race; the rat race.
Remaining Here, present and aware, consistently and steadily, bringing self back Here every time, no matter what. Letting go of the want/need/desire to get ‘there’ and to be ‘there’ instead of slowing down to the nearly standstill eternity of Here.