I'm sharing this video and my perspectives on it for any mothers that are going through the point of pushing their child's independence/self-sufficiency and autonomy.
In walking this point of mothering for myself for a while now, I have seen many points come up in me, points which I know are about me, and NOT the child. The primary context within which to confront this 'issue' is to take responsibility/self-responsibility in seeing that no matter what comes from the child, they are never to blame, and never to be on the receiving end of any emotional reaction the parent might go through. The child is coming from a point of absolute innocence, their out-put is a result of the input from their environment and the influences and forces within it. Their responsibility/self-responsibility will come later, once they've learned and once they know better.
In terms of my experience, I am in a very cool position of first walking this point with a child that is not my biological son - this means, I do not have that history of bearing him and raising him from a newborn, which is where a lot of the programming that blinds us, the chemistry behind the bonds is released into our systems, almost addicting us to our newborn infants - those years where our parenting personalities, self-definitions, and all the mind-points sprout and take root. I am not immune to any of it, but I can see myself more clearly than if I had borne him, as the blind spots were not yet in place. I also have a partner that has been through it and can guide me, I can thus navigate the terrain a little more clearly and prevent a lot of the common pitfalls before blindly falling into them. For example, I can clearly SEE, when I take a step back from doing something for the child in my life, that I feel guilty as if I am causing him unnecessary suffering, I feel bad/sorry for him when he struggles, his pain feels like my pain, and have been trained to avoid pain, I feel good and fulfilled when I do things for him, as if I am fulfilling my purpose. It sometimes feels 'counter-intuitive' to have him do things on his own, and I have to literally restrain myself to NOT step in and do it for him - the programming is there and is being activated, but I have more 'wiggle room' to make a clearer decision about how to direct the points as the programming has not yet taken root into my behaviour.
However, now I have a child of my own, and will be walking the point first-hand. Even with all the lessons and understanding in place, living a point in reality will always present the same challenges with the same intensity as it is REAL, and you have to work in real-time. It's not just knowledge and information that you can slow down, fast-forward, rewind and isolate.
Looking at the point self-honestly, I first notice that all of the activated programming as the feelings and emotions are all about how *I* feel, they form MY internal experience. This means that if I blindly follow them as the ultimate 'truth', that I am not looking practically at what is best for the child in the long-term. Sometimes the child will ask me to do something for him that he can do himself, and he'll even give me reasons why I should do it, or go into a self-defeat just to get me to do the thing for him. In these cases I have to push even harder to remain patient and encourage/support him to take over, I have to push through my own internal emotional reactions and 'instincts' at the same time as walking him through breaking down his own walls and self/limitations, to 'fight' for him and show him what he is really capable of.
When the child does find success on his own, and when he does things for himself, we BOTH see his confidence grow. I get to see him become proud of himself, valuing himself and beaming with that look of self-satisfaction and contentment - that reminds me that it is so worth it to let go of myself and support the child to develop himself fully.
The "Devouring Mother" is the mother that goes a step beyond falling into her programming - she does it intentionally. She'll do everything for her child as they get older, devouring the child's autonomy and ability to become independent. The Devouring Mother is essentially setting herself and her child up to create an 'adult infant' to fulfill the mother's wants and needs as long as she lives, as she is creating a child that will and can never leave her.
I would like to add to what Jordan Peterson shares in this video by suggesting that the Devouring Mother is directly related to the mother's relationship with herself. I will explain why and how, and the benefits of sorting her self-relationship out so that she does not destroy and devour her child, creating that Freudian nightmare
Now that I have a newborn in my life, it has become so much easier when Cesar ('step-son') does things for himself. I can see how when I was completely available to him, I may give in more easily, or move more slowly on the point of him developing his abilities to do things on his own. I learned very quickly first-hand the dedication, commitment and repetition it takes to teach a child what may seem like simple things to do, maintain and remember. It is a LOT, and it feels as though everything is against you when you push for it - your programming, the child's will, not having the adequate developed vocabulary and understanding within self or the child, time and life in the system, practicality etc... Nowadays it helps a lot when Cesar is not only more self-sufficient, but can actually help me by fetching things or giving me an extra hand, and he seems to like it. It gives him purpose, value in the group, equality and empowerment, and he sees he is helpful and useful instead of feeling in constant need of others.
I was the younger sibling in my childhood, and I remember how it felt to take that leap from looking for help versus doing things on my own. I only cut the final ties in my mid-twenties! There was a resistance and a laziness present, which I could feel but did not have the words for. It stemmed from a belief that I could not do things on my own, feelings of disempowerment, from trying and failing and not seeing things through to the end in not pushing myself until I succeeded. I could sense, even as a child, that when I fought for 'help', I was fighting for dependency and fighting for my own limitations. There is a sense of 'ugliness' to it, I felt like a burden, and even at that young age I could see deep down that it was not serving me nor anyone else in my environment. Yet at the same time, I felt like I was getting away with something, getting 'off the hook', having it easy, and this also fed the laziness and resistance, unfortunately making it stronger in me.
When the child does find success on his own, and when he does things for himself, we BOTH see his confidence grow. I get to see him become proud of himself, valuing himself and beaming with that look of self-satisfaction and contentment - that reminds me that it is so worth it to let go of myself and support the child to develop himself fully.
The "Devouring Mother" is the mother that goes a step beyond falling into her programming - she does it intentionally. She'll do everything for her child as they get older, devouring the child's autonomy and ability to become independent. The Devouring Mother is essentially setting herself and her child up to create an 'adult infant' to fulfill the mother's wants and needs as long as she lives, as she is creating a child that will and can never leave her.
I would like to add to what Jordan Peterson shares in this video by suggesting that the Devouring Mother is directly related to the mother's relationship with herself. I will explain why and how, and the benefits of sorting her self-relationship out so that she does not destroy and devour her child, creating that Freudian nightmare
Now that I have a newborn in my life, it has become so much easier when Cesar ('step-son') does things for himself. I can see how when I was completely available to him, I may give in more easily, or move more slowly on the point of him developing his abilities to do things on his own. I learned very quickly first-hand the dedication, commitment and repetition it takes to teach a child what may seem like simple things to do, maintain and remember. It is a LOT, and it feels as though everything is against you when you push for it - your programming, the child's will, not having the adequate developed vocabulary and understanding within self or the child, time and life in the system, practicality etc... Nowadays it helps a lot when Cesar is not only more self-sufficient, but can actually help me by fetching things or giving me an extra hand, and he seems to like it. It gives him purpose, value in the group, equality and empowerment, and he sees he is helpful and useful instead of feeling in constant need of others.
I was the younger sibling in my childhood, and I remember how it felt to take that leap from looking for help versus doing things on my own. I only cut the final ties in my mid-twenties! There was a resistance and a laziness present, which I could feel but did not have the words for. It stemmed from a belief that I could not do things on my own, feelings of disempowerment, from trying and failing and not seeing things through to the end in not pushing myself until I succeeded. I could sense, even as a child, that when I fought for 'help', I was fighting for dependency and fighting for my own limitations. There is a sense of 'ugliness' to it, I felt like a burden, and even at that young age I could see deep down that it was not serving me nor anyone else in my environment. Yet at the same time, I felt like I was getting away with something, getting 'off the hook', having it easy, and this also fed the laziness and resistance, unfortunately making it stronger in me.
Children are quite perceptive like this, they are aware of what they are feeling, but they do not yet have the vocabulary to define it for themselves - this is why they cannot work with the point and cannot direct it. The parent's role moves from doing everything for their infant, to then teaching and directing the growing child to become capable, able and self-sufficient. For me in my childhood, having not really pushed the point, it led to things becoming more difficult for me in my life in later years. It is the responsibility of the parent to educate the child and give the child the words and understanding to describe what is going on within themselves. Oftentimes, the parent themselves has not developed the insight to do this, because it is how they were taught (or not taught), and it was how they experienced themselves and did not correct themselves in their growing up years. When we do this we end up learning through life lessons and consequences, leading more burdened and complicated life circumstances than was necessary. Rather put in the effort to support the child while they are young, before the resistance, procrastination and laziness have really taken root, when there is more plasticity - this is when it is ideal for the parent to really push themselves and give it their all.
Now that I'm in the position of having a baby, I can see more clearly where I've catered to Cesar too much (this is where physical feedback shows you where to focus and correct). In most cases, it is a case of a mother's good intentions gone 'bad' (as in, not what's best for everyone involved). I can easily justify why I did things the way I did, how it was necessary given the circumstances, how I saw it as best at the time, and it may have been - but none of this negates when there are points to be corrected in the present moment and situation, regardless of how or why they are there. This is where self-forgiveness plays a big role. We can forgive, release, let go and correct from where we are NOW, and not bring in the past as justifications and excuses.
I believe this point does not get the attention it deserves, because if left unchecked, over-protectiveness and excess compassion can become very big detriments to the child. It gets overlooked because when you observe it happening, it looks very 'nice', even 'heartwarming', like a caring and helpful mother tending to her child's every need. It can also be experienced this way by both the mother and the child, so it is difficult to identify it in the moment, and oftentimes you'll only see the detriment later in down the road, in hindsight.
Pushing a child's self-sufficiency is often hard to do, like a mother bird pushing the baby out of the nest, it seems 'harsh'. Within this, we have to remember that Real Care often hurts. It is, at the same time, encouraging, gentle and embracing - but there is a quality of 'growing pains' to it. It has to feel 'bad' for a moment in order to serve as a reminder as to why the thing needs to change. It also involves pushing beyond comfort zones and perceived limitations, and a child will not always do this willingly of for himself. It doesn't feel 'good'.
In the video above, Peterson explains very well the dangers of "excess compassion" coming from mothers towards their children. There is so much talk in social media about "masculine toxicity", but you rarely hear about "feminine toxicity" and how this overprotective nature can fatally undermine a child. This creates a society not of REAL men and women, but of emotionally dependant, reactive, easily offended 'adult infants'.
As women, we are nurturers naturally, but we are also adult human beings. Having been through child rearing before, my partner has talked at length with me about 'life after Celest' (my newborn) - because right now, the role of caring for a newborn is so fulfilling, so purposeful and so rewarding, that I can see the temptation to want to make it last forever. But as soon as Celest can crawl, this role is going to slowly change from her complete and utter dependency, to beginning that process of boundary-setting, developing independence and autonomy and everything that comes with that. After that, childhood, and then a teen... And within this, even though it seems so far away, I will still have a life after Celest's infanthood. What would I like to be doing then? How do I want to support myself? How would I like my body to be? I have to look at these questions now so that I set myself up as best as I can for a successful transition when the time comes. If I do not focus on myself in these ways, Celest will become my whole world, and this is too much responsibility for a child - it is not their job to be this, and they I'll be flooded and suffocated in the most 'beautiful' and 'nice' ways if the mother neglects to maintain herself and her self-relationship.
So many women let go of their bodies and/or their sexuality for example, when they become mothers. I experienced this immediately after Celest's birth while I was in recovery and had this tiny little newborn in my care: my body was only a life-giving machine and nothing else. I saw this whole new expression coming from me and I loved it! But as time passed, I had to ask myself if I truly wanted to give up the other aspects of my expression, my body, my self, my individuality and my 'personhood', and my answer was that I did not. Fitness, my ability to do things, my sexual expression (and this goes way beyond the act of sex, which is just one small aspect of sexuality), and all the non-child-rearing aspects of my woman-ness I endeavoured to hold as equally important parts of me as my ability to be a mother. I decided I would embrace the new expression, AND maintain what I already had developed as a woman without a child. This is something I can't forget or lose sight of, even at this early stage. It's not to act on it all at once, no, but rather to keep it in my awareness and bring it in (in moments) when the time comes. This is how I tend to my relationship with myself so that it does not fall on Celest to be anything FOR me, but to rather become her OWN woman, where, when she is older, her and I will be equals, and she may even surpass me in many ways. This is the main reason why Celest will know me as Kim, and not 'mom'. I do not want to impose roles or a hierarchy onto our relationship. I do not want her to be bound to me or feel she needs to do or be something she is not because of me or our relationship.
In the video, Peterson explains that if we immerse ourselves too completely into the nurturing nature of the mother, where that becomes our ONLY role, that we can end up essentially destroying our children. I posit that we would destroy ourselves in the process as well. For the child, the mother has condensed all of herself into this one role and one purpose of protecting and nurturing an infant, when the child displays signs of autonomy and independence, it becomes a threat to the mother, as it threatens her role, purpose and self-definition. In order to protect this, she will do everything for her child. She is keeping her child as an 'infant', which Peterson describes as raising 'old infants', and how that is an 'ugly' thing (both for the parents and the child). For example, think of an adult temper tantrum, an emotionally unstable adult lashing out: this is an adult infant - he cannot function in the real world, cannot create functional relationships, cannot support himself through the challenges of life, and can actually be dangerous.
Within this, the mother has also undermined herself - with all the 'best intentions' in the world, the mother becomes the epitomy of self-interest, which becomes a subtle and undetectable toxicity - the child is used to her benefit to fulfill her role, her purpose, her fulfillment and sense of herself, mostly emotionally. She may even replace having a man in her life with having her child remain with her - instead of having kept the relationship with her child practical, as physical actions, and kept her emotional well-being as her own responsibility. In this, the woman can feel purposeless without her child. She can miss out on developing new partnerships, or neglect her current partnership and allow it to deteriorate and fall apart. She can lose parts of her expression she once had, becoming a less dynamic version of herself, and so much more.
In the end, we have to remember that our children do not belong to us, they are their own beings. Our job is to guide and teach them so that they do not need us anymore. Our job is to render ourselves obsolete, so that what is left is an actual equal relationship between two beings. There is no 'need' or dependency, but rather two complete beings together in this life.
The good news that I have learned from my own experience is that there is a lot of 'wiggle room' in terms of too-lateness. It's never really too late to learn, it just becomes more difficult as habits and expectations take root. There is then also more emotional reactions to manage and work through and it takes more time to integrate. But it's ok, there is no such thing as a 'perfect' parent, but there is a perfecting parent, so the point is to never give up.
Now that I'm in the position of having a baby, I can see more clearly where I've catered to Cesar too much (this is where physical feedback shows you where to focus and correct). In most cases, it is a case of a mother's good intentions gone 'bad' (as in, not what's best for everyone involved). I can easily justify why I did things the way I did, how it was necessary given the circumstances, how I saw it as best at the time, and it may have been - but none of this negates when there are points to be corrected in the present moment and situation, regardless of how or why they are there. This is where self-forgiveness plays a big role. We can forgive, release, let go and correct from where we are NOW, and not bring in the past as justifications and excuses.
I believe this point does not get the attention it deserves, because if left unchecked, over-protectiveness and excess compassion can become very big detriments to the child. It gets overlooked because when you observe it happening, it looks very 'nice', even 'heartwarming', like a caring and helpful mother tending to her child's every need. It can also be experienced this way by both the mother and the child, so it is difficult to identify it in the moment, and oftentimes you'll only see the detriment later in down the road, in hindsight.
Pushing a child's self-sufficiency is often hard to do, like a mother bird pushing the baby out of the nest, it seems 'harsh'. Within this, we have to remember that Real Care often hurts. It is, at the same time, encouraging, gentle and embracing - but there is a quality of 'growing pains' to it. It has to feel 'bad' for a moment in order to serve as a reminder as to why the thing needs to change. It also involves pushing beyond comfort zones and perceived limitations, and a child will not always do this willingly of for himself. It doesn't feel 'good'.
In the video above, Peterson explains very well the dangers of "excess compassion" coming from mothers towards their children. There is so much talk in social media about "masculine toxicity", but you rarely hear about "feminine toxicity" and how this overprotective nature can fatally undermine a child. This creates a society not of REAL men and women, but of emotionally dependant, reactive, easily offended 'adult infants'.
As women, we are nurturers naturally, but we are also adult human beings. Having been through child rearing before, my partner has talked at length with me about 'life after Celest' (my newborn) - because right now, the role of caring for a newborn is so fulfilling, so purposeful and so rewarding, that I can see the temptation to want to make it last forever. But as soon as Celest can crawl, this role is going to slowly change from her complete and utter dependency, to beginning that process of boundary-setting, developing independence and autonomy and everything that comes with that. After that, childhood, and then a teen... And within this, even though it seems so far away, I will still have a life after Celest's infanthood. What would I like to be doing then? How do I want to support myself? How would I like my body to be? I have to look at these questions now so that I set myself up as best as I can for a successful transition when the time comes. If I do not focus on myself in these ways, Celest will become my whole world, and this is too much responsibility for a child - it is not their job to be this, and they I'll be flooded and suffocated in the most 'beautiful' and 'nice' ways if the mother neglects to maintain herself and her self-relationship.
So many women let go of their bodies and/or their sexuality for example, when they become mothers. I experienced this immediately after Celest's birth while I was in recovery and had this tiny little newborn in my care: my body was only a life-giving machine and nothing else. I saw this whole new expression coming from me and I loved it! But as time passed, I had to ask myself if I truly wanted to give up the other aspects of my expression, my body, my self, my individuality and my 'personhood', and my answer was that I did not. Fitness, my ability to do things, my sexual expression (and this goes way beyond the act of sex, which is just one small aspect of sexuality), and all the non-child-rearing aspects of my woman-ness I endeavoured to hold as equally important parts of me as my ability to be a mother. I decided I would embrace the new expression, AND maintain what I already had developed as a woman without a child. This is something I can't forget or lose sight of, even at this early stage. It's not to act on it all at once, no, but rather to keep it in my awareness and bring it in (in moments) when the time comes. This is how I tend to my relationship with myself so that it does not fall on Celest to be anything FOR me, but to rather become her OWN woman, where, when she is older, her and I will be equals, and she may even surpass me in many ways. This is the main reason why Celest will know me as Kim, and not 'mom'. I do not want to impose roles or a hierarchy onto our relationship. I do not want her to be bound to me or feel she needs to do or be something she is not because of me or our relationship.
In the video, Peterson explains that if we immerse ourselves too completely into the nurturing nature of the mother, where that becomes our ONLY role, that we can end up essentially destroying our children. I posit that we would destroy ourselves in the process as well. For the child, the mother has condensed all of herself into this one role and one purpose of protecting and nurturing an infant, when the child displays signs of autonomy and independence, it becomes a threat to the mother, as it threatens her role, purpose and self-definition. In order to protect this, she will do everything for her child. She is keeping her child as an 'infant', which Peterson describes as raising 'old infants', and how that is an 'ugly' thing (both for the parents and the child). For example, think of an adult temper tantrum, an emotionally unstable adult lashing out: this is an adult infant - he cannot function in the real world, cannot create functional relationships, cannot support himself through the challenges of life, and can actually be dangerous.
Within this, the mother has also undermined herself - with all the 'best intentions' in the world, the mother becomes the epitomy of self-interest, which becomes a subtle and undetectable toxicity - the child is used to her benefit to fulfill her role, her purpose, her fulfillment and sense of herself, mostly emotionally. She may even replace having a man in her life with having her child remain with her - instead of having kept the relationship with her child practical, as physical actions, and kept her emotional well-being as her own responsibility. In this, the woman can feel purposeless without her child. She can miss out on developing new partnerships, or neglect her current partnership and allow it to deteriorate and fall apart. She can lose parts of her expression she once had, becoming a less dynamic version of herself, and so much more.
In the end, we have to remember that our children do not belong to us, they are their own beings. Our job is to guide and teach them so that they do not need us anymore. Our job is to render ourselves obsolete, so that what is left is an actual equal relationship between two beings. There is no 'need' or dependency, but rather two complete beings together in this life.
The good news that I have learned from my own experience is that there is a lot of 'wiggle room' in terms of too-lateness. It's never really too late to learn, it just becomes more difficult as habits and expectations take root. There is then also more emotional reactions to manage and work through and it takes more time to integrate. But it's ok, there is no such thing as a 'perfect' parent, but there is a perfecting parent, so the point is to never give up.
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