Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

This is the story of my pregnancy experience. It is continued from:

Giving Birth to My Daughter - Giving Birth to Myself

The Irony of Life 

Unlike what it may appear to be in my previous two parts, this is not a sad story. What I showed myself is the fact that I am a fool in the end, and that this is not a bad thing. As much as my mind wanted me to close myself off from the pain, I knew I would recover, and like a fool, risk it all again. I simply could not be satisfied with the alternative.   

I saw that no matter how hardened and closed off I could become, I have a softness and a vulnerability inside of me that I will never give up on - a part of me that, given the right conditions, would come alive again - and I wanted to live and experience that part of me again. It is not the coldness, the hardness or the closing off that gives me strength - that is actually my weakness showing through. The Real strength; that 'Iron Will' that perseveres through the most difficult of storms... that stuff comes from the soft and vulnerable parts. The forgiving parts.

I would risk emotional pain for that, and I would make some foolish 'mistakes' just to give myself that chance - because I know emotions, no matter how big and powerful they seem, they are not reality, and they pass. I am not a feeling or an emotion, I am Real, and therefor I have the Real power. And even if there are parts of me that are not real and that I have not lived yet, I can still make them Real in my lifetime, more than an emotion can ever be. I would have to move through the pain, the fear, the doubt and uncertainty first. Because regardless of all that determination, I still did not know if I could conceive again, or see a pregnancy through to full term. 

I decided to not allow the situation, or any situation going on in my life for that matter,  to define me in the way my emotional body wanted to. 'Cold', 'detached', 'conditional', 'guarded', 'fearful', 'doubting' - these words were not Me, not something I could stand by or accept and allow myself to live. I  knew that if I ever stop allowing myself to love myself enough to dive head first into my endeavours unconditionally, giving my all, learning from them, becoming better for them and from them, then I will always live in regret.

The truth is, I have left a trail of consequence. But I swear to you, the Best of Each One of us lies on the other side of everything we put ourselves through in Daring to Live, to Care, to Love For Real. And that version of You is Better for YourSelf, Everyone in your Life, and the World as a Whole. And you Free Yourself from the FEARS and the Doubts and everything else, because you've been through it now, you see its power and its pain, but you realize YOU are greater than all of that. I Am Greater than All of That.

And these are the moments when I truly decided to Give Birth again. Only this time it was not just to a baby, but to myself as well.

And so, after what seemed like an eternity, I decided to dive in head first to trying to conceive again. My agreement partner played a large, kind of 'out of this world' yet very real role in this endeavour - working with the reality of the entirety of me, especially those parts of me that were were very hard to look at. There were parts of me, we discovered, that were still saying 'no' to a pregnancy, and because I had so harshly judged and suppressed these parts so deeply, I couldn't necessarily see that this was the case.

Sometimes you need to expose yourself in order to see what you are working with, but that is a very difficult thing to do alone. Sometimes you need someone else to expose your 'shadow self', because otherwise you would keep it hidden from yourself forever.

To be continued...