This is the third time Celest and I have flown internationally.
In my last post, I mentioned homeopathy and nursing as great supports, yet I didn't mention the thing that had the biggest impact in how well Celest was able to manage herself throughout the experience.
Celest did have her moments of crying, but I was able to talk to her and explain everything that was happening, as well as prepare her for what to expect next. One row behind us, there was a baby slightly older than Celest who cried for hours. Her cries turned to shrieks, she became hysterical, and she was at points gasping for breath. I did all I could support, but the whole scene was quite heartbreaking when you can see the implications.
The reality is that there was one missing ingredient for that child and her father. One that takes TIME to develop, and if it is not already in place when it is needed, then there is trauma where there didn't have to be.
The missing ingredient is VOCABULARY. Vocabulary means understanding. It means communication. It means developing understanding and communication BEFORE it becomes emotionally charged or an emotionally charged experience. It means the interaction between parent and child is effective. Having an effective vocabulary stabilizes the situation instead of escalating it. Instead of tears and screaming and hysteria, you get words and then actions and a return to stability.
I have placed a focus on vocabulary development with Celest, using Techno Tutor software and the vocabulary builder, and when I do this I see a noticeable difference in her integration of words. She was stringing together up to 5 word sentences already by the age of 16-17 months old. With this, I was able to prepare her for the airplane ride, and to show her what is happening in real-time, as we had been learning all the words around travel/changing locations and flying beforehand.
I notice that when Celest sees she can communicate her needs, she calms right down and we move forward. It's when she doesn't have the words that she becomes frustrated, angry, cries, throws things and we can get trapped into an escalating cycle of frustration. It makes me wonder if the state we call "the terrible two's" actually exists, or if our babies are merely lacking vocabulary? They KNOW what they want and need, yet they can't express it. How frustrating that must be!
On the plane, the father kept asking his crying daughter to TELL him what's wrong, TELL him what she needs - but she had no words and simply continued crying. Soon enough, the father became frustrated and angry, and decided she was crying for no reason, now yelling at her to stop.
Can you imagine being a child with a need, a pain, a fear or who just wants to be held, and instead of having your simple need met, you get angrily yelled at to be quiet and stop asking? It is heartbreaking.
Children EXPECT us to understand them, which is why we have the responsibility to give them the tools so that we can. They EXPECT us to figure it out and solve the problem. It simply cannot be placed upon them to do so - yet it is commonplace for us adults to do just that - and the end result is trauma, however subtle or severe.
Communication, through a well-developed vocabulary, changes everything with having a baby - imagine what it does throughout childhood and into the teenage years! It's like night and day for me right now with Celest, between where we have words and where we do not.
When we have words, the experience is pure joy, because that is what Celest IS naturally. Where we don't have words is where struggles manifest. I make sure to place the foundations for words during those struggles, setting us up to succeed the next time around.
I was growing this spring onion in the window, and Celest was very interested in it. In Canada, she used to pick the spring onions and chew on them, so I would break off pieces of this one for her or bring her close to look at it. I never let her hold the whole plant due to the assumption that she would make a huge mess and end up killing it.
Finally, one day when she was very adamant, Gian suggested I just give it to her and see what happens. He reminded me not to hold an assumption or have any expectation of what Celest's behaviour might be. Rather give her a blank slate and allow her to show me what she will do. So I took the onion down and gave it to her.
To my surprise, Celest played with the onion for hours! She was so gentle and would carry it around, picking it up and putting it down, losing interest and then taking it up again, all with only a few broken sprigs. She was so careful with it, when I was certain she would dig out the soil and spread it over the room!
Its so easy to fall into the habit of functioning from assumption and expectation, thinking and believing we know what's going to happen based on past behaviour. But this can end up locking children into a past version of themselves without giving them the space to show us what they've learned or how they can so easily and quickly change. It is a cool reminder to regularily hold back all assumptions and expectations, and allow children to instead SHOW us who they are and what they will do.
I'm sharing this video and my perspectives on it for any mothers that are going through the point of pushing their child's independence/self-sufficiency and autonomy.
In walking this point of mothering for myself for a while now, I have seen many points come up in me, points which I know are about me, and NOT the child. The primary context within which to confront this 'issue' is to take responsibility/self-responsibility in seeing that no matter what comes from the child, they are never to blame, and never to be on the receiving end of any emotional reaction the parent might go through. The child is coming from a point of absolute innocence, their out-put is a result of the input from their environment and the influences and forces within it. Their responsibility/self-responsibility will come later, once they've learned and once they know better.
In terms of my experience, I am in a very cool position of first walking this point with a child that is not my biological son - this means, I do not have that history of bearing him and raising him from a newborn, which is where a lot of the programming that blinds us, the chemistry behind the bonds is released into our systems, almost addicting us to our newborn infants - those years where our parenting personalities, self-definitions, and all the mind-points sprout and take root. I am not immune to any of it, but I can see myself more clearly than if I had borne him, as the blind spots were not yet in place. I also have a partner that has been through it and can guide me, I can thus navigate the terrain a little more clearly and prevent a lot of the common pitfalls before blindly falling into them. For example, I can clearly SEE, when I take a step back from doing something for the child in my life, that I feel guilty as if I am causing him unnecessary suffering, I feel bad/sorry for him when he struggles, his pain feels like my pain, and have been trained to avoid pain, I feel good and fulfilled when I do things for him, as if I am fulfilling my purpose. It sometimes feels 'counter-intuitive' to have him do things on his own, and I have to literally restrain myself to NOT step in and do it for him - the programming is there and is being activated, but I have more 'wiggle room' to make a clearer decision about how to direct the points as the programming has not yet taken root into my behaviour.
However, now I have a child of my own, and will be walking the point first-hand. Even with all the lessons and understanding in place, living a point in reality will always present the same challenges with the same intensity as it is REAL, and you have to work in real-time. It's not just knowledge and information that you can slow down, fast-forward, rewind and isolate.
Looking at the point self-honestly, I first notice that all of the activated programming as the feelings and emotions are all about how *I* feel, they form MY internal experience. This means that if I blindly follow them as the ultimate 'truth', that I am not looking practically at what is best for the child in the long-term. Sometimes the child will ask me to do something for him that he can do himself, and he'll even give me reasons why I should do it, or go into a self-defeat just to get me to do the thing for him. In these cases I have to push even harder to remain patient and encourage/support him to take over, I have to push through my own internal emotional reactions and 'instincts' at the same time as walking him through breaking down his own walls and self/limitations, to 'fight' for him and show him what he is really capable of.
When the child does find success on his own, and when he does things for himself, we BOTH see his confidence grow. I get to see him become proud of himself, valuing himself and beaming with that look of self-satisfaction and contentment - that reminds me that it is so worth it to let go of myself and support the child to develop himself fully.
The "Devouring Mother" is the mother that goes a step beyond falling into her programming - she does it intentionally. She'll do everything for her child as they get older, devouring the child's autonomy and ability to become independent. The Devouring Mother is essentially setting herself and her child up to create an 'adult infant' to fulfill the mother's wants and needs as long as she lives, as she is creating a child that will and can never leave her.
I would like to add to what Jordan Peterson shares in this video by suggesting that the Devouring Mother is directly related to the mother's relationship with herself. I will explain why and how, and the benefits of sorting her self-relationship out so that she does not destroy and devour her child, creating that Freudian nightmare
Now that I have a newborn in my life, it has become so much easier when Cesar ('step-son') does things for himself. I can see how when I was completely available to him, I may give in more easily, or move more slowly on the point of him developing his abilities to do things on his own. I learned very quickly first-hand the dedication, commitment and repetition it takes to teach a child what may seem like simple things to do, maintain and remember. It is a LOT, and it feels as though everything is against you when you push for it - your programming, the child's will, not having the adequate developed vocabulary and understanding within self or the child, time and life in the system, practicality etc... Nowadays it helps a lot when Cesar is not only more self-sufficient, but can actually help me by fetching things or giving me an extra hand, and he seems to like it. It gives him purpose, value in the group, equality and empowerment, and he sees he is helpful and useful instead of feeling in constant need of others.
I was the younger sibling in my childhood, and I remember how it felt to take that leap from looking for help versus doing things on my own. I only cut the final ties in my mid-twenties! There was a resistance and a laziness present, which I could feel but did not have the words for. It stemmed from a belief that I could not do things on my own, feelings of disempowerment, from trying and failing and not seeing things through to the end in not pushing myself until I succeeded. I could sense, even as a child, that when I fought for 'help', I was fighting for dependency and fighting for my own limitations. There is a sense of 'ugliness' to it, I felt like a burden, and even at that young age I could see deep down that it was not serving me nor anyone else in my environment. Yet at the same time, I felt like I was getting away with something, getting 'off the hook', having it easy, and this also fed the laziness and resistance, unfortunately making it stronger in me.
Children are quite perceptive like this, they are aware of what they are feeling, but they do not yet have the vocabulary to define it for themselves - this is why they cannot work with the point and cannot direct it. The parent's role moves from doing everything for their infant, to then teaching and directing the growing child to become capable, able and self-sufficient. For me in my childhood, having not really pushed the point, it led to things becoming more difficult for me in my life in later years. It is the responsibility of the parent to educate the child and give the child the words and understanding to describe what is going on within themselves. Oftentimes, the parent themselves has not developed the insight to do this, because it is how they were taught (or not taught), and it was how they experienced themselves and did not correct themselves in their growing up years. When we do this we end up learning through life lessons and consequences, leading more burdened and complicated life circumstances than was necessary. Rather put in the effort to support the child while they are young, before the resistance, procrastination and laziness have really taken root, when there is more plasticity - this is when it is ideal for the parent to really push themselves and give it their all.
Now that I'm in the position of having a baby, I can see more clearly where I've catered to Cesar too much (this is where physical feedback shows you where to focus and correct). In most cases, it is a case of a mother's good intentions gone 'bad' (as in, not what's best for everyone involved). I can easily justify why I did things the way I did, how it was necessary given the circumstances, how I saw it as best at the time, and it may have been - but none of this negates when there are points to be corrected in the present moment and situation, regardless of how or why they are there. This is where self-forgiveness plays a big role. We can forgive, release, let go and correct from where we are NOW, and not bring in the past as justifications and excuses.
I believe this point does not get the attention it deserves, because if left unchecked, over-protectiveness and excess compassion can become very big detriments to the child. It gets overlooked because when you observe it happening, it looks very 'nice', even 'heartwarming', like a caring and helpful mother tending to her child's every need. It can also be experienced this way by both the mother and the child, so it is difficult to identify it in the moment, and oftentimes you'll only see the detriment later in down the road, in hindsight.
Pushing a child's self-sufficiency is often hard to do, like a mother bird pushing the baby out of the nest, it seems 'harsh'. Within this, we have to remember that Real Care often hurts. It is, at the same time, encouraging, gentle and embracing - but there is a quality of 'growing pains' to it. It has to feel 'bad' for a moment in order to serve as a reminder as to why the thing needs to change. It also involves pushing beyond comfort zones and perceived limitations, and a child will not always do this willingly of for himself. It doesn't feel 'good'.
In the video above, Peterson explains very well the dangers of "excess compassion" coming from mothers towards their children. There is so much talk in social media about "masculine toxicity", but you rarely hear about "feminine toxicity" and how this overprotective nature can fatally undermine a child. This creates a society not of REAL men and women, but of emotionally dependant, reactive, easily offended 'adult infants'.
As women, we are nurturers naturally, but we are also adult human beings. Having been through child rearing before, my partner has talked at length with me about 'life after Celest' (my newborn) - because right now, the role of caring for a newborn is so fulfilling, so purposeful and so rewarding, that I can see the temptation to want to make it last forever. But as soon as Celest can crawl, this role is going to slowly change from her complete and utter dependency, to beginning that process of boundary-setting, developing independence and autonomy and everything that comes with that. After that, childhood, and then a teen... And within this, even though it seems so far away, I will still have a life after Celest's infanthood. What would I like to be doing then? How do I want to support myself? How would I like my body to be? I have to look at these questions now so that I set myself up as best as I can for a successful transition when the time comes. If I do not focus on myself in these ways, Celest will become my whole world, and this is too much responsibility for a child - it is not their job to be this, and they I'll be flooded and suffocated in the most 'beautiful' and 'nice' ways if the mother neglects to maintain herself and her self-relationship.
So many women let go of their bodies and/or their sexuality for example, when they become mothers. I experienced this immediately after Celest's birth while I was in recovery and had this tiny little newborn in my care: my body was only a life-giving machine and nothing else. I saw this whole new expression coming from me and I loved it! But as time passed, I had to ask myself if I truly wanted to give up the other aspects of my expression, my body, my self, my individuality and my 'personhood', and my answer was that I did not. Fitness, my ability to do things, my sexual expression (and this goes way beyond the act of sex, which is just one small aspect of sexuality), and all the non-child-rearing aspects of my woman-ness I endeavoured to hold as equally important parts of me as my ability to be a mother. I decided I would embrace the new expression, AND maintain what I already had developed as a woman without a child. This is something I can't forget or lose sight of, even at this early stage. It's not to act on it all at once, no, but rather to keep it in my awareness and bring it in (in moments) when the time comes. This is how I tend to my relationship with myself so that it does not fall on Celest to be anything FOR me, but to rather become her OWN woman, where, when she is older, her and I will be equals, and she may even surpass me in many ways. This is the main reason why Celest will know me as Kim, and not 'mom'. I do not want to impose roles or a hierarchy onto our relationship. I do not want her to be bound to me or feel she needs to do or be something she is not because of me or our relationship.
In the video, Peterson explains that if we immerse ourselves too completely into the nurturing nature of the mother, where that becomes our ONLY role, that we can end up essentially destroying our children. I posit that we would destroy ourselves in the process as well. For the child, the mother has condensed all of herself into this one role and one purpose of protecting and nurturing an infant, when the child displays signs of autonomy and independence, it becomes a threat to the mother, as it threatens her role, purpose and self-definition. In order to protect this, she will do everything for her child. She is keeping her child as an 'infant', which Peterson describes as raising 'old infants', and how that is an 'ugly' thing (both for the parents and the child). For example, think of an adult temper tantrum, an emotionally unstable adult lashing out: this is an adult infant - he cannot function in the real world, cannot create functional relationships, cannot support himself through the challenges of life, and can actually be dangerous.
Within this, the mother has also undermined herself - with all the 'best intentions' in the world, the mother becomes the epitomy of self-interest, which becomes a subtle and undetectable toxicity - the child is used to her benefit to fulfill her role, her purpose, her fulfillment and sense of herself, mostly emotionally. She may even replace having a man in her life with having her child remain with her - instead of having kept the relationship with her child practical, as physical actions, and kept her emotional well-being as her own responsibility. In this, the woman can feel purposeless without her child. She can miss out on developing new partnerships, or neglect her current partnership and allow it to deteriorate and fall apart. She can lose parts of her expression she once had, becoming a less dynamic version of herself, and so much more.
In the end, we have to remember that our children do not belong to us, they are their own beings. Our job is to guide and teach them so that they do not need us anymore. Our job is to render ourselves obsolete, so that what is left is an actual equal relationship between two beings. There is no 'need' or dependency, but rather two complete beings together in this life.
The good news that I have learned from my own experience is that there is a lot of 'wiggle room' in terms of too-lateness. It's never really too late to learn, it just becomes more difficult as habits and expectations take root. There is then also more emotional reactions to manage and work through and it takes more time to integrate. But it's ok, there is no such thing as a 'perfect' parent, but there is a perfecting parent, so the point is to never give up.
I
recently had a good cry. I was opening up to Sunette Spies about my
appreciation for her and the process she has walked in her life, and I suddenly
became teary. I realized why and I will explain that point later, but what
struck me in that moment was how it affected me that someone else was seeing me
cry. In that moment, I felt like I wanted to hide it, suppress it, and just try
to stop and put on a brave face.
When
I saw I could not stop it and it had to come out, I wanted to go back to my
room and cry in private. But no such luck here at the Desteni farm – this is
communal living, and my room is in a house with 7 other people – people that
truly care and will go out of their way to ask me what’s wrong, and then open
up the point with me until I am satisfied that I see and understand it – unless
of course I ask for my space, which I did not.
I
did not ask for space precisely because I wanted to challenge this point of
being embarrassed about crying in front of others. Leila came in to my room to
give me my phone, saw I was crying and asked what was going on. I told her what
happened and what I had opened up in the moment with Sunette. I also told her I
felt embarrassed about crying, and within myself, I could see that I was
feeling a bit out of control due to the emotions welling up and overcoming me,
and I felt exceptionally vulnerable.
I
have been living in this house where Leila’s son Cesar also lives. He is three,
and he immediately expresses everything that comes up in himself without
judgment. I used Cesar as an example for me of how to ‘let it all out’
unconditionally, without judgment.
Soon LJ came in and I talked with him as well. I felt no judgment whatsoever from the
two of them, which made it plain to see that the only judgment I was feeling
was my own. LJ gave me THE most unconditional hug, which was exactly what I needed right then, but which made me want to cry even louder and harder. It brought up this one specific memory from way back, when I was about
three. I was in my dad’s arms and I was crying. I was crying in that way that
children cry, when the sound that comes out is like a deep, guttural sound
coming from the very core of the child. The memory stayed with me because,
although I was upset about something, I remember it feeling good to let it out.,
like it was natural, it was not supposed to be kept in.
I
can see how, over the years, I developed judgments about showing my emotions,
and slowly over time, began to stop myself in moments where I would have
otherwise had a good cry or even a quick cry. It eventually became ‘natural’ for me to suppress
crying – within this, suppressing the reasons for which I wanted to cry,
leaving them unchecked and left to fester deep down inside of me. Soon, I
became comfortable with being uncomfortable, often feeling like I was carrying
around an emotional burden that would just sit there with me and become
triggered in moments, where I would have to push it back down again.
The
last time I can remember ‘letting it all out’ was alone in my room. I had just
come back from my visit to the Desteni farm in 2015, where I had gotten in
touch with myself in ways that I forgot were even possible. When I got home,
what hit me was how much of myself I suppress while living my ‘normal life’ in
the system, at work, and with friends and family. Now, keep in mind that I
liked my ‘normal life’. I thoroughly enjoy my family and friends, this has
nothing to do with them. I simply had been dealing with some patterned
behaviour that I couldn’t see until I took a step out of it within my visit to
the Desteni farm back in 2015.
I
also decided back then to ‘let it all out’ when the realizations came up. I
cried alone in my room, a deep, wailing cry into my pillow. It felt good, but I
did not fully understand or get to the bottom of it. I left it at ‘I have seen
the way things could be’, let it all out, and moved on.
As
adults, there is a certain discernment and stability that we need to maintain,
using common sense and practicality when it comes to ‘expressing everything
that comes up’, or ‘letting it all out’. In this moment recently, however, I
knew I had some deeply suppressed emotions that I could not just talk about and
write out – I had to also physically release it this time, and so I did. But
what I noticed was that I could not completely let go and get to that place
where I just let out completely. There was still some resistance to do so due
to being an adult, in a room with two other adults.
But
that is okay – I will also not judge myself for not being able to ‘go there’
completely. That will also be a process for me to walk as it comes. It will
take time, understanding and patience as I develop the self-trust and resolve
as I prove to myself that it is okay to be vulnerable, it is ok to let go
sometimes.I am learning that letting
go, not being perfect and always in control, and having others see me like
this, does not determine who I am at my core. If anything, I am living my
process of self-change openly, for others to see where my weaknesses are, what
my suppressions are, what I am actively working on.
The
fact that I was doing this with and in front of others also gave me the
opportunity to talk about it as it was happening, sharing real time what
exactly was going on within me.
So,what was the point that I had opened up? It
was in sharing and showing appreciation for someone else, in this case Sunette,
on a deep level, I realized that I had never really taken a moment to show any
appreciation towards myself.
On
the contrary, I have been living my life highlighting my faults and challenging
my weaknesses, creating quite a difficult path for myself while, for the
longest time, not having a proper balance of self-creation, which I eventually started
to focus on to do which began with this recording: Creating Balance while Changing Yourself, which inspired me to begin the process here in this blog:
I also felt a
deep and profound sadness coming up from within me, which showed me that it
wasn’t only a lack of appreciation, it was something much deeper. The point was
made clear to me in this recording:You'll Never Become What You Don't Recognize Within Youand I reveal it in detail in this blog:
“While you are in the process of changing an addiction or habitual
pattern, how do you avoid the two common pitfalls of ending up suppressing the
point or becoming obsessed and possessed within it?
How can you establish a balance so that you let go of the old,
while creating the new?
This interview shares practical and creative ways to give yourself
structure as well as freedom when taking on the more challenging and addictive
patterns you want to change.”
"Do the terms self-worth, self-intimacy, and self-value seem like
far away ideas that you are still searching for in your life and yearning to
one day express for yourself?
What if the very things you have been waiting for, yearning for,
and searching for are already within you and all you have to do is to stop the
things that are getting in the way of your real expression?"
