To Share:
have a
portion of (something) with another or others.
give a
portion of (something) to another or others.
use,
occupy, or enjoy (something) jointly with another or others.
possess
(a view or quality) in common with others.
tell
someone about (something, especially something personal).
How have
I lived sharing in my life really? HONESTLY?
When I
have shared a portion of something with another I would get a good feeling,
because I thought the person would like me more, or I did it from a ‘saviour’
perspective where the other didn’t have something I had and so I would share as
if I were saving or helping them from a position of superiority. When I would
be shared with, where someone else is sharing something with me, I would
generally go into a position of inferiority and unworthiness, feeling like a
beggar with outstretched hands, and mostly my pride would interfere here and I
would simply rather do without.
Or, I
would share because it was the ‘right thing to do’, because good etiquette and
manners required me to do so. In this case ‘greed’ and ‘lack’ would come in to
play, where I would give something begrudgingly with the feeling that now I
would have less, and would want it all to myself, but I would also feel good
because I was being a good person and following the rules. If I were in a
situation with another where the rules called for them to share with me, I
would be comfortable. But if they rather chose not to share, I would feel
spiteful because I am a rule-follower and they are now breaking those rules to
my detriment, in which case I would feel righteous and now be superior for
that, yet inferior because of the powerlessness I would feel when someone is
breaking the rules and I am not speaking up for myself and bringing it up with them.
I would rather supress my emotions and keep quiet.
When I
would “use, occupy or enjoy jointly with others” I generally wouldn’t consider
that sharing, because I wasn’t losing something or giving something away, and I
wasn’t feeling superior or inferior, I would be simply equally enjoying
something. So I see here I have limited my definition of ‘sharing’ with these
ideas or emotions.
For this
aspect of the definition: “possess (a view or quality) in common with other,” –
I see that this would be falling into a pack mentality, where I would adopt a
view in order to fit in, to identify with a certain group, to define myself as
this or that, style, genre, political position etc…
The last
aspect of ‘sharing is: “to tell someone about (something, especially something
personal).”
Here I see that even this dimension of the word I have tainted with
ego and self-interest, where I would share aspects of my personal self as a
form of gossip, like having some juicy tidbit of information that others will
want to hear, where I will get attention and feel special and important for a
moment as I tell it and get the questions and reactions from others, making me
and my life some center of some attention somewhere, which I would then use to
feel important and special. I can also see a dimension of sharing myself in an
attempt to gain validation, confirmation or approval about some part of me that
I had not yet completely accepted and embraced.
So, there
I am exposed in my living of the word ‘sharing’, where the starting point is
selfishness, greed, fear of loss, superiority/inferiority and lack. This, to
me, as simply the ‘way that I am’ is unacceptable. I can see that when or if
billions of people live this out on a large scale, it does not make the world a
better place, but rather infuses reality and human interaction with separation
and division as each one holds tight to their possessions, conflict as the
‘have-nots’ versus the ‘haves’, and superiority/inferiority as we use our
possessions, whether they be tangible or intangible, as a way to place
ourselves above or below others. And then we bring these ways into our most
intimate relationships and pollute them behind the façade of consciousness
(consciousness meaning: the acts we play, the face we present, the ulterior motives,
the thoughts, feelings and emotions behind our actions) where all of this seems
acceptable because everybody is actually doing the same thing.
There is
however, a solution to all of this, and it is a simple one. It is the simple
principle of sharing from the starting point of ‘give as you would like to
receive’. This includes not only the tangible items we are able to share, but
the feelings and emotions that go with it. To share with someone to gain
attention or because it makes you feel superior is not in fact equal and one
sharing. Equal and one sharing meaning seeing the other AS you, really placing
yourself in their shoes and giving to them as if it were giving to yourself.
With that
understanding in place, I would like to now focus on sharing self, or
self-sharing. Here looking at: what do I have to give, and what do I have to
receive from others? I can specify this even further by looking at what I have
to give to and receive from myself? I must say that I have experienced sharing
with myself more so within and through walking the desteni process of writing,
self-forgiveness and self-change than I ever had before when I was living my
life ‘normally’, as in, according to my programming, environment and culture,
etc. Now, in walking this process, I am creating my own new programming
according to what is best for me, I am learning and growing within my
environment, challenging limitations both real and perceived, and am thinking
critically about my culture and how it has shaped and influenced me. Within
this all, I have done a lot of learning, seeing, realizing and understanding
about myself, my life and what it means to be human, as well as what it really
means to be a human that cares about self and others.
What I
would like to share more with and about myself is who I am beyond the mind of
judgments and insecurities, thoughts, feelings and emotions. To do less sharing
of my mind, and more quieting of my mind, revealing this deep inner ‘knowing’ I
have experienced within myself, which is and has been developing from a
self-trust and self-communication over the years and more prominently now since
I have been living on the desteni farm. Also within the sharing I am interested
in further developing is the constructive sharing of myself and what it is I am
going through. This involves speaking from a point of stability, maturity and
being solution oriented instead of ranting and raving about issues in an
attempt to actually feed the emotion and re-generate an experience from a
starting point of adrenaline, righteousness and argumenting/fighting (this is
where we have conversations and arguments in our minds, picturing and imagining
others with whom we are argumenting/fighting/proving our point/justifying our
side and being right). To rather speak the point, see and understand the
reaction and release it through realization and change.
Another
dimension of sharing I will be looking at is speaking what I see without fear.
I have for so long suppressed myself out of fear of conflict or upsetting
others, that I hide my seeing/self-seeing and observations from others and even
sometimes from myself. But I see, realize and understand that these things must
be spoken and shared, even if they are wrong or cause conflict, to be
vulnerable and put it out there to clarify it, or to work through the conflict.
Oftentimes,
when I am about to share, I will get an energetic feeling right before. One the
one hand, I can feel a sense of excitement, as if I am about to gain something.
This is usually indicative that I am about to share from a starting point of
self-interest. Then there are the times where I am about to share and I feel a
wash of fear pour over me. In these moments, I tend to push myself to share,
because the fear is usually indicative that I fear to create conflict or be
exceptionally vulnerable about something within sharing my real truth, or some
truth of me that I judge and am not proud of. In these moments, when I share I
usually create clarity. It is alxo common that when I share parts of myself in
these moments, those parts seemed really big, bad and ugly, but once shared,
they shrink down and become manageable, or I can see them more clearly and then
direct that part of myself.
Before
sharing myself, there is this infinite moment where I can look at and explore
Who I Am within my sharing. What is my starting point, and what I will create
as a result of the sharing. I endeavor to share me, my truth, the reality of me
that exists in my mind – to expose that of me that I perceive that I would
prefer to hide, so that nothing of me is hidden, and the decision to share or
not share comes from the starting point of what is best for all as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself with others and with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing those parts of me that are my REAL TRUTH.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to share my REAL TRUTH as those parts of me that I am ashamed of or judge and thus want to hide as I feel that if I share them, others will judge me and see me as shameful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to create clarity and shine a light onto parts of myself I would prefer not to see, or would prefer others not to see, preferring instead vagueness and a lack of clarity which gives me more room to be manipulative and deceptive with myself and others about who and how I actually am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear what others will think about the person that I am and have become, and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at and really seeing the person I am and have become, without realizing that if I do not look, I cannot change
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being vulnerable about myself and who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in victimization when and as I share parts of myself that I feel vulnerable about.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am victimized and weakened by myself, my life and my life-experience, instead of standing up and taking self-responsibility for every aspect of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share from a starting point of having others save me and make me feel better.make it go away within the thought, perception, idea or belief that what others think/feel/say to me or about me is my truth and reality, within this, giving others the power and responsibility to 'make me right' again and tell me everything is okay, instead of standing up within and as Self-Responsibility, and using my moments, my experiences and my findings to strengthen me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment of others within the thought/perception/idea/belief that the judgment of others is what determines Who and How I am or will be. instead of ME determining Who/How I am/will be from now on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing Who I Am or what i see due to fear of creating conflict, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that both internal and external conflict, when directed within principle, can bring about clarity and change.
When and as I see that I am not sharing something out of fear, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to standing and self-responsibility by reminding myself that only I can and will determine me, and that my sharing is a step towards clarity, stability and change within myself.
