Day 217: My Stay at the Desteni Farm - The People

The People

The people here at the Desteni farm are simply awesome. Everyone here is walking their personal process of self-change, so each one is checking themselves, questioning and investigating their reactions, taking points back to self first, and then speaking or discussing an issue if necessary.  This makes for what I can only describe as a clear, calm and open atmosphere between people, from my experience. This makes for an awesome environment for self-reflection, because it becomes clearer that I am alone within myself, completely responsible for the creation of Who I Am and for sorting out my own consequences from past living, decisions and paly-outs in my life. I am alone within myself, but I am very much in a group here, walking as individuals, together in support.

            Each person here has a unique expression that creates a really nice diversity for discussion. Each has their own interests that they are focusing on, whether it be programming, baking, music, building, gardening, parenting, sports and more. There are families, couples and single people, so it is quite a mix. This variety of expression is the result of people getting to know themselves on deep and intimate levels, where they are expanding their interest, work and hobbies through experimentation, testing and looking at Who They Are within everything they do. And each person here is committed to writing and sharing their process of what they face in their lives within whatever they are currently busy with.

            With the writing, it’s cool to see what points people are facing internally, and then to watch them in their work or play to see how they are living their words. Because I have been walking my own process, I know what it takes to live the words you speak, and it is not so easy! So, when I see people here with the focus and dedication to truly live and stand as examples of what it means to live in a way that is best for all, equal and one, I know the work they put in to get there and it is inspiring to me, where I want to push myself to do the work for me as well. I also see the work that is being put in to support others out in the world, on the web, through courses and social media platforms, which is how I found out about this place and the tools of support. So I see the value and necessity to share, to give as I have received, and to build and create myself into someone that can equally share and support.

With the diversity and openness here, conversations often go back to points one is facing or has faced. Hearing all the different perspectives has given me incredible insights into myself, where points open up for me and I can see ways that I have been living that have been limiting or diminishing me. Not only that, but I am often supported, either directly or indirectly through others, to identify certain specific moments or events in my life, or patterns of behaviour that I can now write out in my own blog in order to sort out within myself. This supports not only myself to change, but anyone that is facing similar points to me can also read about my journey. In this way, others can have the same experience that I am having here, where sharing, relating and telling our stories can open up so much for each other, thus quantifying our processes of change. This is for anyone that understands that any real change that is going to happen in this world is going to start with change on an individual level.

            I also thoroughly enjoy meeting the other visitors that are coming from all over the world to spend some time here. I get to hear about their lives and what they do back home, we discuss challenges we’ve faced and successes we’ve had. Each person that comes here brings something unique, and in many ways, I am also getting to know myself better through the interactions I am having with them. One visitor that came with her children from the Netherlands, is working towards becoming a Life Alignment Specialist. She needed case

studies to complete her course and certification process. I’m pretty sure almost everyone here volunteered to do a session with her. I certainly did! The experience was amazing and I dug real deep into mind points that were contributing to a skin condition I have. I have since been writing out the points, as well as using supplements and creams to support my body, and in a short time I have begun to see results in the form of the skin clearing up, becoming calmer and less irritated and inflamed (I have seen doctors who have only prescribed steroids, which work temporarily, but is not a long-term solution for me, so I’m experimenting with a more wholistic approach).

            Another visitor, Garb from the US, has been amazing to observe. Her discipline to push herself to fill every day and live it fully while she is here is truly impressive. She is used to working long hours in an office back home, so here she has been challenging herself with more physical work, bringing her out of her mind and more into the physical, connecting to the earth and soil she has been working with. I have been learning from her how to develop this consistency and discipline, as it is something I have struggled with in the past.

We discussed these topics and more while we planted climbing plants that will eventually produce berries for the local birds to eat. Check out Garb's travel journal HERE. 

          Discussion and asking questions is cool and very supportive, but the thing that has the most impact on me personally has been to simply watch her live, again, standing as an example and the proof that I too can develop myself to become whatever I decide, so long as I apply myself (and within the practical limitations of physical reality, of course).

          


            

          For me, as someone that started off exceptionally shy and introverted, it has been very exciting to come out and express myself Here. I have been working on this point for years, but the difference is that back home, at work for example, there is so much extra ‘noise’ to deal with, in the form of gossip, ulterior motives, judgments and reactions. In that environment, we are to work as a team, yet in competition with each other in the face of job cuts or promotions. In this competitive environment, I found it exceptionally difficult to remain stable within myself, and was usually on the brink of ‘survival mode’, where keeping my job and keeping my boss happy were number one on my mind. I could express myself, but always had to make sure I was presenting myself in accordance with company values. Sometimes I found that company values conflicted with my own, and voicing myself had in the past caused some negative consequences for me in my career. Here, however, when I express myself and come out of my shell, I can just be me and express my principles of cooperation, equality and oneness.The difference is that I am now doing it to discover myself, Who I Am and what I am capable of, and not thinking about who I need to impress, or
staying on anyone’s ‘good side’.

          






          I will continue to share about my experiences at the Desteni Farm in blogs to come, so stay tuned, there will be more to come! But for now, please enjoy this video from the farm:

Cesar Discovers Video Camera

198 - Gossip Girl vs Self-Supportive Communicator

My life has changed rather drastically over the past few months, and all the change has unearthed some subconscious and underlying fears that I have been living with for quite some time. A point came up recently where I have been sharing myself, wherein I would discuss situations and events in my life with another/others in an attempt to gain comfort from these fears that were coming up. I have realized that the best and most effective advice comes from cutting through my own bullshit, facing my fears by stepping up and taking responsibility for them, and sharing with myself, through writing, the support that is most difficult to hear.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to discuss and reveal the details of certain specific aspects of my life in order to create a positive energetic experience about them with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take actions to create a positive energetic experience about events in my life in order to make my life/my ego seem ‘greater-than’ what they in fact actually are, instead of focusing on the reality of the events or situations, and within humility, focusing on Who I Am within them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek and crave the energy I am able to create within and as ‘gossiping’ about myself and my life with another, thus creating unintended/undesirable/unnecessary consequences, which are like chain reactions that involve more beings than only myself, instead of directing the events according to the principles I have learned, understood, and committed to..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that the way I feel about an event/situation/circumstance determines whether I am directing myself ‘correctly’ or ‘incorrectly’, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that the only matter of importance is Who I Am within the events/situations/circumstances, whether or not I am aligning myself according to principles, including honouring and supporting myself,  and what and how I am building myself as a being of integrity within what I say and do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility  for directing the events/situations/circumstances of my life, and to, within not taking self-responsibility, fail to create a blueprint for myself to properly deal with the points and parts of myself I am faced with, and within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this lack of a blueprint as an excuse to look to others for direction and advice, and to use the energetic ‘bond’ or ‘closeness’ as a comfort to make myself feel ‘better’, ‘safer’ and ‘not alone’, when the reality is that I am alone in the position of taking self-responsibility and deciding Who and How I Am and how I will direct my life and world.

When and as I see that I am looking to  create energy with another about events/situations/circumstances that require to be directed in my life, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by breathing through the fear of taking self-responsibility, and I look to my own common sense and principles to show myself the best way to handle and direct myself.

When and as I see that I am using gossip as a way to feed the experience of myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-realization by reminding myself that when I only focus on how I feel, I neglect to take into consideration the multi-dimensional  reality of any situation, thus limiting my ability to truly give myself the gift of actual learning/growing/moving/directing.

I commit myself to face myself as myself, without the crutch of energy as gossip, and I commit myself to differentiate between energy-creating communication and self-supportive sharing.

I commit myself to breathe through my reactions and write them out for myself, and speak about them only when I am clear within myself.

Day 50- Sharing Too Much of the Wrong Thing

            A pattern I have observed myself participating within is the tendency to share too much of the wrong thing. What I mean by this is that I try/attempt to share myself, my experience etc…. with others in such a way where I am actually subtly trying to manipulate how they perceive me within the information I choose to share. The question I came to ask myself when I finally saw this was: Why? The answer I was able to provide for myself was that of fear. Because I fear the way people perceive me, I attempt to manipulate the way they see me. The reason why I would fear this is because I have placed my own self-perception and self-judgment within how I see myself reflected back to me through others. So, if someone were to react towards me within absolute disgust, in my mind I would be devastated because then I would perceive myself to be disgusting. The ironic part within all of this is that, generally, when such instances do come up where another displays judgments or reactions towards me, I am able to stand up from within them and take my power back and not ‘fall for’ the old tricks of the mind of abdication of self-responsibility through giving myself as my power away in such a way by placing it outside of myself. So I can see that this is a mind-based fear that exist more in my mind and as projections than in actual reality, wherein, if such a situation was to arise, I would not allow myself to be as affected by it because I would see it for what it was in fact, which I have proven to myself that I am capable of doing. However, there are still certain people and certain reactions/events that ‘get to me,’ where the reaction is intense enough that it still seems ‘real,’ instead of me realizing that the reaction is not ‘real’ nor who I am, but rather a mind/power/ego game where I am not facing those parts of me that I have, in a way, given away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as those parts of me that I have given away to sources outside myself, such as judgments about who I am and how I direct my life, and judgments about who I am in terms of a girl who shares the innermost depths of her mind online for all to see, wherein I try/attempt to appear ‘normal’ to those around me for fear that they may judge me for what I reveal without considering what goes on within their own minds that they are not taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my words as an expression of myself from the starting point of the above mentioned fear, and used my words from the starting point of fear of judgment, in order to act on that fear by trying to avoid it through trying and attempting to manipulate others in my environment to not see me/judge me/perceive me the way I fear to be seen/judged/perceived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try/attempt to paint a picture of myself as who I am or how I would like to be perceived, when I have not yet explored, discovered and uncovered all of who I am with/as/for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I know who I am, and then try/attempt to prove that through expressing how I would like others to perceive me, instead of standing up within self-trust and self-expression in the moment, expressing myself as who I am in the moment without the influence of the mind or fear, thus actually discovering myself in each moment as I express me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to freely express me within self-honesty in the moment because I haven’t stood up to the fears existent within me, and have instead allowed those fears to be an expression of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express fear as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away by accepting and allowing others to judge me and define me because instead of discovering who I am in each moment through self-honest self-expression, I have up till now only seen me within and through the reactions/reflections of others and accept it to be who I am. Till here no further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-honest self-expression in the moment, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as who I will be without fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others without knowing them for who they really are, because when and as I judge another, I am actually accepting and allowing the behavior within myself, thus making the statement that I accept and allow it within others. Therefore, if I stop, then I will no longer be influenced by the fear of judgment from others, because I will cease to participate in making it real, which it is not.

I commit myself to taking myself back by no longer accepting and allowing myself to continue to give my power away to others outside myself.

I commit myself to stop living as an expression of fear, by stopping myself from speaking/acting/moving me from a starting point of fear.

I commit myself to develop self-honest self-expression in the moment in order that I may truly get to know myself for the first time.

When and as I see that I am speaking from a starting point of fear, indicated by the fact that I am speaking to others in such a way as to influence their perception of me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the realization that the only way that I can emerge as a self-directive, self-honest being that is not fear-based, is by stopping my participation within speaking me from a starting point of fear. I stop, and I breathe, and I realize that it is better to not speak at all, than to speak words self-dishonestly, such as words and information that come from a starting point of fearing what others may think of me, and wanting/needing/desiring them to see me as I would like to be seen, instead of getting to know myself for real.

I commit myself to stop sharing myself self-dishonestly, because I see that it is self-sabotage and keeps me trapped within cycles of judgment, fear and self-judgment.

I commit myself to stopping sharing too much of myself, withoutreally knowing myself in my entirety.

I commit myself to remaining stable within the reality that people are going to think what they want about me, and I commit myself to breathe through the fear of judgment of others, until it no longer influences me.