Continuing with THE DREAM - Osho Card Reading: Day 10 of 21

Continuing from my last blog... THE DREAM

Osho Card:

Looking at the point:

"What I can see when I bring the point up in me, is that there are certain parts of the work that I am doing that i have labelled as 'work' in terms of it not being exciting or fun or 'positive'. I will have a project with a final goal, and a lot of the work involved in getting there IS fun and enjoyable to me. But then there is 'the other stuff'. The research, the learning, the coursework, the 'serious stuff' that I have to go through to get to my final goal. And sometimes I don't know how to go about a certain step, in which case I go into a helplessness that I identified in my last blog, and that helplessness creates frustration and in this case avoidance and distraction."

I held this understanding with me today while I worked, and I observed myself as I went through this point. What I realized was that the pressing issue is when I don't completely understand where I'm heading, the goal is not clear, and the steps are not clear.

What I found was that, when I identified the issue, I was able to focus and hone my attention on the problem, instead of feeling 'all over the place' and directionless, which, when left undirected, leads to overwhelm and an underlying helplessness. When I could focus and hone my attention, things became more clear. I still did not see the final outcome, but I identified the right questions to ask, and I set out to ask them.

Another obstacle I could identify was that initial push it takes to get started on a task that I know will be long, in my case research. With research, you don't really know what you are looking for till you find it, and even then, it can be like finding puzzle pieces scattered about, and not having a map for how they fit together. I realize I have to become comfortable with this 'unknowing'.

Lastly, I had to address the question of time. I had given myself certain deadlines, and with them I felt the pressure, which was causing me to feel a bit of a squeeze as I was still trying to identify the obstacles I was facing. The feeling was that I didn't have TIME for obstacles, that I needed to KNOW RIGHT NOW what to do, and for this reason, I didn't want to invest the time into myself basically, to find out what was going on with me and how to walk through it.

So, what I did was drop the idea of a deadline. This seems counter-intuitive, but the thing is that holding this deadline above myself was actually causing me to move more slowly. When I dropped it, I felt lighter, and even more ready to get to work.

So, these are my findings today as I walk my quest to improve myself, change myself from limiting patterns and habits I have been living out up till now. No matter how big or small, they need to be addressed in terms of being identified, corrected and then lived out in real time.

Thanks for reading!

Day 5 – What Goes Up Must Come Down

            I am on the ‘downside’ of the patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in these last 4 days.What I am experiencing right now is VERY familiar, so it’s definitely really cool that I have been writing because now I can see the ‘up’ I went through, wherein I was motivated and I felt like I had lots of energy and I could ‘do it all’. But now, today, I feel like I’m pushing a boulder up a hill just to do the basic stuff during the day. I had resistence to pretty much every little thing I had to do. It felt very draining and I’m glad to have exposed this to myself because I’d prefer not to have to go through it so blindly again. Now that it’s identified, I can finally start taking it apart and work towards stopping it altogether.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energetic highs, wherein I become all motivated and try/attempt to ‘do it all,’ thus creating a kind of ‘high’ experience for myself that creates a poitvie energectic experience because I perceive or believe it might last forever wherein I will get so much done inmy day and in life. But now I see beyond a doubt that this is a polarity, and it has and will always lead to a crash such as the one I experienced today. It is a projection into the future about where I 'will be' at some later date, without taking into consideration where I actually am, and the steps/process it will take to get me to where I want to be.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to to see and realize the extent of my participation in the energetic possession, and for not stopping myself as soon as I realize it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within these energetic polarities without fully realizing the consequences of them and thus blindly following my experiential self into a high which leads to a crash which really fucks with me.  I have had enough of this, and I understand I will have to walk through it again and again until I deconstruct it and understand it until I am able to stand through it from beginning to end, over and over. To this, I am committed, because the alternative is polarity, the up and down that fucks with me and creates the struggle such as that which I experienced today. If it's going to be a struggle, and 'hard' within reistance, I might as well be working toward a solution rather than the perpetual cycles of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crawl through my day with internal conversation that are like whining about the smallest resistances which I knew very well were self-created, yet I accepted and allowed them to fuck with me anyways.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand up and walk breath by breath within and as self-direction throughout my entire day.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting or allowing myself to realize the importance and the utmost urgency that is required within realizing what I am capable of in terms of facing me, moving me and pushing through my self-created resistances, and the time that is wasted every time I choose not to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe resistances are real and will last forever, instead of realizing they are self-created, will last only for a finite amount of time, and if pushed through- will allow me to expend and grow.

When I see that I am facing resistances throughout my day in a moment I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that th resistances are here to be pushed through, and in order to push through them, I need to have a practical ‘plan’ to walk step by step in order to not fuck myself up due to those resistances. So, when I see that I am facing a resistance, I stop, and I breathe. I clear myself and look at the task I am resisting. I identify the end-goal and my starting point to see if it is clear, and from there, I map out the steps I will have to go through in order to complete the task.

I commit myself to practically walk through the resistances I will inevitably face as I change, and to learn how to incorporate this into m daily life until it is an automated response, more automated than my mind.

I commit myself to push me, gently, but also firmly when I have to, to really see and be aware of the resistances I manifest for me, and to stick to the application that I wrote out for myself to assist and support myself to direct myself when I face this pattern again.