Day 32- Pressure, Stress Self-Movement

I’m finding that, although I don’t experience stress as acutely as I did before I started this process, I still tend to build up pressure at times when I have a lot on my plate. When I was investigating my internal experience within this, I noticed that the pressure build up from stress was due to a lack of self-movement and a lack of self-trust. When I look at this pattern I see within my past that I was a bigtime procrastinator throughout my school years, and I had a lot of negative consequences due to that, such as bad grades and disappointed teachers/self. I truly wanted to do well, but I simply lacked the skills necessary to develop the ability of self-movement, so I would depend on motivation and stress. Over the years, stress became the most efficient motivator, so I used it in that way, but then I started to have physical symptoms related to stress, as well as accumulations of stress energy which are very unpleasant. These accumulations remain with me today, so some self-forgiveness is necessary on this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to do something ‘good’ or do something well, and then sabotage myself by procrastinating, leaving it till later thus accumulating stress within the thought of doing it with the added pressure of ‘doing it well’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project  doing something ‘good’ or ‘doing it well’ into the future as if it will just happen easily and effortlessly at a later point, instead of realizing that if I move myself immediately in the moment, I will develop the necessary self-movement and self-trust in order to avoid the accumulation of stress energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate due to the resistances I create for myself within the polarity experience of positive energy wherein I desire/plan on ‘doing something well,’ but then don’t immediately move myself to step-by-step get it done, thus then experiencing the negative polarity thought/perception/projection that I won’t be able to do it as well as I would like, or that I will do it poorly.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to consider the step-by-step process of starting a task immediately and then seeing it through to its completion, but instead I leave it till later wherein I have less time to ‘do it well,’ and end up sabotaging myself by rushing through the task and disappointing myself with the final result.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself with procrastination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the polarity of positive/negative energy when contemplating ‘doing a task well,’ instead of simply taking a breath and starting immediately, or a soon as I am practically able to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within my mind projection in which a task will be easier at some future point, wherein I am caving in to the resistance I accept/allow in the moment of thinking about beginning a task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as self-sabotage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as procrastination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-sabotage to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing procrastination to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cave in to the mind, thus making the statement that it is more powerful than me and more powerful than my ability to move me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend upon stress to motivate me to move myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as stress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing stress to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate stress energy within and as me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to move myself effectively without stress energy/motivation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I need an internal energetic experience in order to move me, instead of realizing that I Move Me, and that I have only ever moved me, and the energetic experience was only ever a self-created experience/illusion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harvest energy from the physical in order to create the illusion that I as my mind as energy has the power/control, instead of realizing that my physical body is what moves me from moment to moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my physical body and from self-movement within the thought/idea/perception/belief that I am my mind as energy, and that I require energy to move me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories of failure and disappointment to/towards myself, which I manifested for myself as a consequence of lack of self-movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the memories I hold onto which relate to stress/failure/disappointment from my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my memories as m self-definition as Who I Am into the future, thus scripting myself as I have always been, instead of stopping this pattern and standing up within the realization that I Am Here, I Move Me Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Here, and from my physical body by living/existing in the past as memories and as my mind as energy and energetic experiences instead of living Me Here, within and as my physical body.

When and as I see that I am procrastinating doing a task rather than taking a breath and beginning the task, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding and consideration of all the steps required to start a task and see it through to its completion- realizing that, the sooner I start, the more time I will have to do the task well. When and as I see that a task is at hand, I simply take a breath and begin, taking it one step at a time, until it’s done.

When and as I see that I am creating a resistance within me towards a task, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that resistances must be walked through, that they are indicative of change, and that they will not last forever.

I commit myself to walk through the resistances I create/generate/manifest within me toward self-movement and self-change, specifically with regards to stopping my participation within the pattern of procrastination.

I commit myself to practice taking a breath and then moving me in the moment, until self-movement is Who I Am.

I commit myself to stop defining myself by past memories which create energetic experiences inside of me, and to instead start taking the necessary step towards living Here, in the present moment- the only place I can move me.

Day 5 – What Goes Up Must Come Down

            I am on the ‘downside’ of the patterns I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in these last 4 days.What I am experiencing right now is VERY familiar, so it’s definitely really cool that I have been writing because now I can see the ‘up’ I went through, wherein I was motivated and I felt like I had lots of energy and I could ‘do it all’. But now, today, I feel like I’m pushing a boulder up a hill just to do the basic stuff during the day. I had resistence to pretty much every little thing I had to do. It felt very draining and I’m glad to have exposed this to myself because I’d prefer not to have to go through it so blindly again. Now that it’s identified, I can finally start taking it apart and work towards stopping it altogether.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energetic highs, wherein I become all motivated and try/attempt to ‘do it all,’ thus creating a kind of ‘high’ experience for myself that creates a poitvie energectic experience because I perceive or believe it might last forever wherein I will get so much done inmy day and in life. But now I see beyond a doubt that this is a polarity, and it has and will always lead to a crash such as the one I experienced today. It is a projection into the future about where I 'will be' at some later date, without taking into consideration where I actually am, and the steps/process it will take to get me to where I want to be.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to to see and realize the extent of my participation in the energetic possession, and for not stopping myself as soon as I realize it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within these energetic polarities without fully realizing the consequences of them and thus blindly following my experiential self into a high which leads to a crash which really fucks with me.  I have had enough of this, and I understand I will have to walk through it again and again until I deconstruct it and understand it until I am able to stand through it from beginning to end, over and over. To this, I am committed, because the alternative is polarity, the up and down that fucks with me and creates the struggle such as that which I experienced today. If it's going to be a struggle, and 'hard' within reistance, I might as well be working toward a solution rather than the perpetual cycles of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to crawl through my day with internal conversation that are like whining about the smallest resistances which I knew very well were self-created, yet I accepted and allowed them to fuck with me anyways.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand up and walk breath by breath within and as self-direction throughout my entire day.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting or allowing myself to realize the importance and the utmost urgency that is required within realizing what I am capable of in terms of facing me, moving me and pushing through my self-created resistances, and the time that is wasted every time I choose not to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe resistances are real and will last forever, instead of realizing they are self-created, will last only for a finite amount of time, and if pushed through- will allow me to expend and grow.

When I see that I am facing resistances throughout my day in a moment I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that th resistances are here to be pushed through, and in order to push through them, I need to have a practical ‘plan’ to walk step by step in order to not fuck myself up due to those resistances. So, when I see that I am facing a resistance, I stop, and I breathe. I clear myself and look at the task I am resisting. I identify the end-goal and my starting point to see if it is clear, and from there, I map out the steps I will have to go through in order to complete the task.

I commit myself to practically walk through the resistances I will inevitably face as I change, and to learn how to incorporate this into m daily life until it is an automated response, more automated than my mind.

I commit myself to push me, gently, but also firmly when I have to, to really see and be aware of the resistances I manifest for me, and to stick to the application that I wrote out for myself to assist and support myself to direct myself when I face this pattern again.