Day 209 - The Decision to Break Down, and Start Over

This post is continued from:

The Day I realized I had A Profound Inability to Make Decisions for Myself
(https://steemit.com/desteni/@kimzilla/the-day-i-realized-i-had-a-profound-inability-to-make-decisions-for-myself)

and:

I Taught Myself How To Make A Real Decision
(https://steemit.com/desteni/@kimzilla/i-taught-myself-how-to-make-a-real-decision)

I left off where I had made my first real decision for myself in my life, independent from outside influence, and from a starting point of creating a better self and life. The main point being that when I made this decision my entire life fell apart around me.

I realized that making decisions dependent on other people my whole life created a foundation on top of which I built a life that wasn’t beneficial to me. When I started taking myself back and making decisions for me, I rocked my life to its very foundations and all the structures fell.

This was somewhat traumatic, and maybe I did it too fast and all at once instead of taking it one step at a time. But I was hell-bent on fixing things in my life and had no patience to wait.

Some of the bigger decisions I started making was really committing to improve my relationship with my husband, and to go back to school so that I could empower myself to make a better life for us.

Within that, going back to school to get a degree was another biggie.

While I was away at school, my husband and I had our own individual realizations, and agreed to end the marriage. Another biggie for me.

I also decided to quit my job (eek!) and move back to Canada from the US (gak!).

I decided to start my life over on all fronts with very little money, a lot of debt, and little usable work history in order to fulfill my decision to get a ‘real’ job in the corporate world.

I got a ‘real’ job I the corporate world, and decided to stay there till my debt was paid off.

There is a list of the top 5 stressors that can really mess with your mind, things like the death of a loved one, divorce, career change, moving, and health issues. I was living three of them simultaneously.

Also, within the entire playout, I did not take easily to the corporate world, I did not have a smooth experience dating for the first time after 10 years, I did not handle living alone so well, and I didn’t integrate well back into the city.

BUT, I did not give up. I felt so strongly about the decisions I had made, because I had made them for me. Within this, I found a perseverance, commitment and dedication which I nurtured and developed throughout the 4 years that this lasted. All of this was made possible because I had discovered self-forgiveness, with which I taught myself how to be gentle and patient with myself, push myself and never give up.

Where I stand now is at the top of the hole I had dug. A perspective from which I can now look down and see all the experiences objectively. I can also look at myself in the present moment and see, I paid my debt, I have savings, I have a really cool new relationship that I find extremely supportive. I have friends in the city and have created a life there that I enjoy. And I can look to the future, wherein I have future plans that I am working towards, and I am excited about what I am going to do next!

What is the moral of the story?

For me it has been to stop being asleep at the wheel.

It is so easy to just float along in life and not realize how quickly and easily we can lose ourselves and the true starting point of SELF.

It is self first, always.

Not in a selfish way, but in the way that if you don’t take care of yourself and live with eyes open in awareness, how can you ever expect to assist or support anyone else? You can’t do anything for someone else that you have not learned to do yourself.

Also, lastly – it does not just happen naturally.

We are basically programmed into a default mode that we have to snap ourselves out of. I use a course called DesteniIProcess, where I learn about self-forgiveness, self-commitments and self-corrective application. I like the structure and the discipline required to keep it up, because again, I am doing it for me.

Find what works for you!

Thanks for reading!

Check out these AWESOME resources:

The Suppression Virus and an All Systems Meltdown

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Day 206 - I Taught Myself How to Make A Real Decision

After having created a life of consequence in the form of debt, health problems, addiction, wasted work experience, and isolation, I made one of the most important decisions of my life. It was a decision for myself alone at first, where I stood solid and firm as the decision-maker, in complete and raw self-honesty. I decided that I was going to stop living in such a way where the outflows of my choices, actions and decisions were that of consequence and self-diminishment and instead start the process of making decisions that would create myself as a better human being.

I saw that I had to do this for myself first, but that as a result I would be a better version of myself for those in my reality and thus, be a better human being in this world. I wrote out a list of self-commitments, such as:

"I commit myself to take complete self-responsibility for the decision that I make, and to stand within and as the decisions that I make, so that they are MY decisions.

I commit myself to stop seeking/wanting/needing/desiring validation and approval for the decision that I make.

I commit myself to making decisions and taking action based on the principles I decide to stand by, and not based on what’s easiest or what I’m in the mood for.

I commit myself to eradicate the fear of failure from my Life."

I also wrote out instructions for myself, guidelines based in principle that I could look to in moments when I would face those moments of wanting to abandon myself within the decision-making process.

Interestingly, when I decided to make decisions in this way, my life literally fell apart. I learned that I had been holding some expectations that things would get better because I was assisting and supporting myself to create a better self. What I hadn't considered was the fact that my entire reality had been built upon a habitual and patterned foundation of character, and now that I was changing myself at this foundational level, all the structures I had built upon it were crumbling.

I am grateful for this now though, because I can see now that in order to build the new, I must at the same time let go of the old. The things that I let go of were relationships that I had formed that were not best for me (either changed/altered or left completely), environments/living situations that were not optimal were left and new ones were created, career changes made, addictive substances were removed from my life, and many other changes, both internal and external took place.

Each of these actions of letting-go were a result of my new decision-making process. Each one taking away hiding places, dependencies and escape or avoidance mechanisms. This left me squarely in the face of the reality of myself. From this position I had to face many of my own weaknesses (strengths in the making!), I had to make many mistakes (mis-takes), and I had to step up or step out. Herein, another important decision: I chose (and continue to choose) to step up, I want to play, I am here to participate fully.

In my next post I will share how I dug myself out of the hole that was left, and began to build something almost entirely new.


To find out how I got here, read my previous blog: The Day I Realized I Had A Profound Inability to Make Decisions For Myself

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