Day 206 - I Taught Myself How to Make A Real Decision

After having created a life of consequence in the form of debt, health problems, addiction, wasted work experience, and isolation, I made one of the most important decisions of my life. It was a decision for myself alone at first, where I stood solid and firm as the decision-maker, in complete and raw self-honesty. I decided that I was going to stop living in such a way where the outflows of my choices, actions and decisions were that of consequence and self-diminishment and instead start the process of making decisions that would create myself as a better human being.

I saw that I had to do this for myself first, but that as a result I would be a better version of myself for those in my reality and thus, be a better human being in this world. I wrote out a list of self-commitments, such as:

"I commit myself to take complete self-responsibility for the decision that I make, and to stand within and as the decisions that I make, so that they are MY decisions.

I commit myself to stop seeking/wanting/needing/desiring validation and approval for the decision that I make.

I commit myself to making decisions and taking action based on the principles I decide to stand by, and not based on what’s easiest or what I’m in the mood for.

I commit myself to eradicate the fear of failure from my Life."

I also wrote out instructions for myself, guidelines based in principle that I could look to in moments when I would face those moments of wanting to abandon myself within the decision-making process.

Interestingly, when I decided to make decisions in this way, my life literally fell apart. I learned that I had been holding some expectations that things would get better because I was assisting and supporting myself to create a better self. What I hadn't considered was the fact that my entire reality had been built upon a habitual and patterned foundation of character, and now that I was changing myself at this foundational level, all the structures I had built upon it were crumbling.

I am grateful for this now though, because I can see now that in order to build the new, I must at the same time let go of the old. The things that I let go of were relationships that I had formed that were not best for me (either changed/altered or left completely), environments/living situations that were not optimal were left and new ones were created, career changes made, addictive substances were removed from my life, and many other changes, both internal and external took place.

Each of these actions of letting-go were a result of my new decision-making process. Each one taking away hiding places, dependencies and escape or avoidance mechanisms. This left me squarely in the face of the reality of myself. From this position I had to face many of my own weaknesses (strengths in the making!), I had to make many mistakes (mis-takes), and I had to step up or step out. Herein, another important decision: I chose (and continue to choose) to step up, I want to play, I am here to participate fully.

In my next post I will share how I dug myself out of the hole that was left, and began to build something almost entirely new.


To find out how I got here, read my previous blog: The Day I Realized I Had A Profound Inability to Make Decisions For Myself

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Day 133- I'm Out of Control

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest an energetic experience of uncertainty within and as me, which I use as an excuse not to move forward and move on, but rather languish and stagnate in the moment in fear, not thinking clearly or practically, but rather just ‘stuck’ in place, not knowing what to do next or how to do it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create uncertainty when I have to move on to the next task, because I do not really want to move on and do the next task, I would instead prefer to escape the responsibilities of the moment which I do by creating somewhat of a ‘shut down mode’ wherein I lose all directive principle and instead create this entire experience of uncertainty which is an energetic experience from which I have much difficulty moving and directing myself within.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within moments/tasks/responsibilities that I find difficult/boring/unending, to try /attempt to escape those moments by rejecting/avoiding the process I would need to take to properly/practically finish up and move through the task in order to figure out my next steps and begin working towards the next task.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the energetic experience of ‘uncertainty ‘to sabotage myself to not completing the life tasks that are necessary to attend to, which creates consequences in my life and world that cause me to feel ‘out of control’, wherein, when and as I am ‘out of control’, I disempower myself from taking self-responsibility and also give myself an excuse to seek out not actual control, but the energetic experience of control, which I derive from participating in certain specific ‘bad’ habits.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to

manipulate my entire experience of myself in ways which create cycles of ‘loss of control’ which build up over time and accumulate into something that I experience as ‘big and overwhelming’, when in fact I actually know exactly how to stop it through practical application, and exactly the consequences of NOT stopping it, yet I do it anyways to justify and validate feeding my energetic addiction to the EXPERIENCE of control (and not actual control).