Day 123- Controlling Self in the Face of Many Temptations

This blog is continued from my last blog and it is a part of this series:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies
Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)
Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)
Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)
Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)
Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)
Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)
Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)
Day 118- Learning How To Learn
Day119- Equality as a Student
Day121- Calming the Waves of Frustration
Day 122- I Am No Match For ME

In italics are the paragraphs from my last blog, which I will be deconstructing with self-forgiveness:

I made an analogy of ‘my own defiance’ feeling like being confronted by a defiant child and feeling helpless because one cannot ‘force’ a child to do anything if the child so chooses to set its mind upon being defiant. I related that the inability to do anything about that situation was due to potential consequences. What I was referring to was situation where adults become so frustrated with the child that they will use physical force/violence, or violent words/reaction such as getting angry and yelling- both approaches would normally have negative impacts on both adult and child, which were the negative consequences I was talking about in my last blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave defiantly within and towards myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defy myself and fall in the face of my own defiance because of the fear of negative consequence of myself throwing an internal tantrum because I’m not ‘getting my way’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself for doing something that I am in complete control of, within the belief that I am helpless to change it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated when I set myself to study or do homework, because I have the tendency to ‘take it easy’ on myself and let myself get away with not focusing, becoming distracted taking long breaks- spending more time taking breaks than doing the actual work, instead of breathing and taking self-directed breaks, which I had scripted for myself to correct. There are no more excuses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose avoiding my own inner tantrum rather than forcing myself to study, thus choosing self-compromise over self-expansion. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not honour myself as Life.

Bringing it back to self:
When I am defiant within and towards myself it is due to the fact that I am experiencing something that I fear giving up. When I am doing my studies, it requires focus and concentration. This has been quite a challenge for me, causing great frustration. So what do I fear giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is protecting self, what it the self-interest within/as this fear?
Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ (which really means laziness), the control of my mind to pursue likes and avoid dislikes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose self-compromise over self-support because I fear losing my ability to escape from myself, my emotions and feelings, and the world, by completely letting go of my self-directive principle, and instead allowing myself to follow my mind into distractions, detours, ‘treading water’ as time, and basically not doing anything supportive/constructive for myself in my life.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support myself by pushing myself to do the things I want to do like study and do research, but rather to, in moments of resistance, just ‘relax’ by pissing my time away being lazy and not doing anything except watching television and hanging out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT push myself through the resistances I experience, because I fear giving up my ability to relax whenever I want for as long as I want, especially when I have seen the consequences of this, which is that it perpetuates itself, and I end up eating and craving crappy food, I get fat, I withdraw from activities, and I end up feeling worse for longer instead of just pushing through the resistances when they come up and dealing with that in one moment, like a bandage: quick and painful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that dealing with resistances in the moment may seem painful, but not dealing with them, and instead succumbing to them creates way more pain and suffering in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ is any kind of way to live, especially considering I don’t even understand why I like certain things over others, and also because the things I like are usually the things that are the worst for me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that life is about pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is only self-interest in that, there is no principle of equality and oneness within each individual pursuing their ‘likes’ and avoiding their ‘dislikes’, there is no consideration for the effect one’s life is having upon another within this, there is only the consequence of the world we see today: each man for himself, pursue money and indulgance, and avoid suffering and poverty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ lacks any kind of process of self-understanding, nor does it involve the understanding that sorting out problems and taking responsibility is something most all people will not ‘like’ doing, within themselves or the world. Therefore, when we live to only experience our ‘likes’, we condemn ourselves and generations to come to a world deprived of any real life or living, only a world of war as each fights for their own lives/likes.

To be continued….

To learn these self-supportive writing tools visit: DIP LITE

Day 88- Going Down the Rabbit's Hole or Still Looking at the Mirror? (pt. 2)

This is a continuation of Day 87- Going Down the Rabbits Holeor Still Looking at the Mirror?

“The main realizations I had within and through writing these statements is that I have the tendency to project and imagine ‘big things’ and ‘big plans’ for myself, in the mind where the entire play out can be played out in seconds, wherein there is an instant gratification and feelings of accomplishment experienced within me. However, the ‘downfall’ and consequential outflow of this are that I become discouraged and defeated when I go to bring those plans into action in the real world, the physical world outside of my mind, the reality we all share, otherwise known as Here. These feelings lead to ‘stagnation’ and ‘stuckness’ within which I am not as effective within what I do, because in a way, I feel as though I have already failed. This then leads to the experience of being overwhelmed with the amount of actual steps it will take to accomplish that which I want to accomplish, and then I experience anxiety as a ‘falling behind’ because in my mind, I am already way ahead of myself.

It takes time, dedication, commitment and patience to get things done in the physical reality, and these are the things I am mapping myself out to become. I see, realize and understand that I can only work from Here, and that there is a difference between making a plan or long term goals, and fantasizing about what it will be like ‘then’, when everything is done and where, in my mind, everything was easy and successful.”

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try/attempt to escape and avoid Here by trying to do everything and get it all done so that I can be ‘there,’ in the future where things are done and everything is in order, and where I’ve projected that I will experience myself differently ‘then’.

I commit myself to stop projecting about who and how I will be later, and which situation I will be in later, instead of focusing on now and my actions and behaviours now that will create me as who and how I want to be, by being it now.

I commit myself to do what needs to be done daily, instead of existing within and as the belief that one day, it will all be done. I see and realize that my organs function in every moment until I die, and that I too apply myself as Who I Am in every moment till my time is up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take one thing at a time, and bring it Here, and focus on it with all my presence and awareness, and direct the one thing I have chosen to focus on to the best of my ability, while always making sure I am self-honest about what exactly my ability is.

I commit myself to take one thing at a time, to bring it Here and focus on it with all my presence and awareness, and to direct it to the best of my ability, always remembering to question my ability, to push the limits of my ability to see exactly what it is I am capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a character that wants/needs/desires ‘forward motion’ as a polarity with myself as lazy, motionless, stagnant and unmotivated.

I commit myself to work on finding balance in my Life, with some time dedicated to rest, relaxation and enjoyment, but not too much, and some time dedicated to responsibilities, but not too much.

I commit myself to practice and perfect self-care, throughand as developing self-esteem and self-worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to participate within and as the ‘forward motion’ character because I have defined it as ‘successful’, within the belief that that is how successful people operate, and if I were just like that, I would be successful too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire success instead of focusing on actually being successful in my practical application of myself in my life and world.

I commit myself to allow myself to be successful, to embrace and become one with success instead of seeing/perceiving it as something ‘out there’ that happens to other people who have the answers that I think/believe I will never find.

I commit myself to be and become a success within myself, within self-mastery of myself in my entirety, so that what I think is what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to participate within and as the ‘forward motion’ character because I admire others that this character is trying to emulate as an experience,  and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire others to admire me when I am ‘moving forward’ and ‘getting things done,’ so that I may ‘have’ the experience, instead of realizing that an ‘experience’ is nothing but an energetic momentary rush within me, while the actual creating myself successfully just ‘is ,’ as it simply becomes Who I Am.

I commit myself to base my actions in self-honesty and doing what’s best for myself as all as one as equal in actuality, instead of playing around with images, perceptions and judgment as who I am as an experience of myself. I realize and understand that it is sometimes necessary to ‘go into character’ to present myself in a certain way at, for example, a job, wherein there are certain social and company rules that must be abided by. I commit myself to understand the social and company rules In my workplace, to understand who I am in relation to them, and to abide by them without compromising or influencing myself as Who I Am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base success on an internal experience, instead of the actual measurable outcome of my actions.

I commit myself to stop chasing ideas, perceptions and beliefs, and to instead ground myself in reality Here, and take actual actions towards that which I have set as my goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being unsuccessful, lazy, unmotivated and stagnant.

I commit myself to stop fearing that which I have complete ability to control and direct, by slowly but surely teaching myself how to control and direct it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest for myself that which I fear, specifically here where I overwhelm myself where I reach points where I feel ‘stuck’ and unable to move myself to simple tasks.

I commit myself to stop the patterns of self-defeat which create many unnecessary consequences, by giving myself back my power in order to move and direct me out of the habits and patterns I have come to depend on to keep me in line, to prioritize my self-interest and to stay lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create unnecessary mountains for me to climb, because of and due to not remaining Here, in breath, and instead going into my mind, creatingresistances, backchat, beliefs and thoughts and internal experiences such as stress and anxiety about small things that could easily be done.

I commit myself to live  equal and one to that which I create, because I am equal to and one with it In Fact.  Thus,

I commit myself to change my creations of and as me, and to knock down the mountains of the mind by simply taking it step by step, bringing it Here, equal to me, so that I can manage it as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I need to experience events all the time to indicate that I am moving forward, instead of moving me Here to pave the way for myself y taking one step at a time and doing it well.

I commit myself to stop abdicating my self-responsibility to things and events outside of me, and to take complete self-responsibility for myself in every moment by applying myself within, through and between events in my life, no matter what the event is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about and conjure up big plans for myself, without considering the time,patience and actual work it will require to get it done.

I commit myself to bring myself out of my mind and into reality, where big plans involve actual real commitment, dedication and effort, instead of imagining about obtaining the big results thus only creating energetic emotional experiences within and as me, which will only lead to feelings of defeat when I try to accomplish these things in real life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect/want/desire instant gratification and immediate results.

I commit myself to remember the pace at which the physical moves and to stop rushing ahead in my mind, creating a whole reality before I even take the first step, but to instead take my first steps Here, the only place where it is possible to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive instant gratification and immediate results are possible.

I commit myself to let go of the McWorld of the mind, and enter into the real world, where change takes time and actions have consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that movement in the physical takes time.

I commit myself to be the patience, dedication, commitment and discipline that I am, and to develop myself as these qualities, in order to move with the physical world which is the real reality we all share.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself from Here with curiosity and entertainment and fruitless pursuits of the mind that always bring me back to the exact same pattern of procrastination, overwhelmed and anxious.

I commit myself to stop feeding the energetic experience I achieve when fulfilling my curiosities and to instead direct myself to occupy my time not with gossip, entertainment and distraction, but with actual actions and self-directed learning while working towards a living understanding of myself, my world and reality.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and my process by repeating patterns and habits that I know lead to nowhere and timeloops.

I commit myself to take the necessary steps  to replace self-sabotage with self-care, self-nurturing and self-creation.