Day 102- Secret Self-Relationship- Disappointment- Self-Corrective Statements

This blog is continued from days
 93- My name is Kim,
94- My Name is Kim but Who Am I Really?
 99- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really? (Layout
Day 100- SecretSelf-Relationship
Day 101- Secret Self-Relationship: Disappointment
Day 102- Secret Self-Relationship: Disappointment- Backchat Dimension

When and as I

see that I am bracing myself within the expectation of self-disappointment upon hearing my name spoken in a disappointed tone, I stop, and I breathe. I relax my physical body and ground myself back Here within the understanding that anything that comes up or that can be said I can take self-responsibility for and direct because anything I have done in the past to disappoint myself was done in unawareness in that I did not understand who I was or that I had a choice, because I trusted my mind in those moments without realizing what I was creating within myself in terms of my relationship with myself.

I commit myself to stop trusting the mind of thoughts, feeling and emotions that are not grounded in reality, and to, from here on out, walk myself into the physical, by basing my actions and decisions on the physical testing ground where I am able to see if the outflows are acceptable or not.

When and as I see that I am going into suppression for

fear of having an emotional outburst in the form of tears of self-pity and self-victimization I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-acceptance and self-understanding by stopping my reaction with breath, and instead going into a self-looking, wherein I look and observe at anything and everything that comes up from what is spoken, and take the moment as a gift to self as I present myself with moment that I have held within me that require direction/forgiveness/letting go.

I commit myself to direct/forgive/let go of any and all past self-disappointment, within this:

I commit myself to change and direct my living so that I do not re-create the self-disappointing behaviour I have lived in the past.

When and as I see that I am suppressing the parts of me that I don’t want to face because it’s easier to suppress them, indicated by resistance, defensiveness, feeling ’hurt’, or wanting to cry, I stop, and I breathe. I allow myself as ‘that which I have accepted and allowed myself to be’ to flow forth, and I face these moments as who I am, within the understanding that Who I Am is determined (deter-mind) by Me, but I can only determine that if I know who I’ve been.

I commit myself to, in moments when ‘who I’ve been’ ‘come back to haunt me’ in the form of emotional resistances to face self, defensiveness from not wanting to reveal/change self, and wanting to cry from feeling victimized by self for lack of directive principle, or pitying self as if I wasn’t the one making the decisions, to really look at what is within me, in order that I may receive the information of who I’ve been, which thus then empowers me to change.

When and as I see myself in moments of choice, submitting to self-disappointment by choosing the option that is less-than who I am, within a ‘making peace’ with it and an ‘acceptance’ of it, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-directive principle by reminding myself that it is certainly NOT acceptable, nor is it peaceful. Maybe in the moment-yes, but in the long term, such acceptance and allowances create turmoil in my life later, wherein everything of ourselves is always right here with us, ready to emerge at any moment. Thus the choice remains, do we stop perpetuating the behavior, or do we re-enforce it. I choose to stop in order to create something altogether new.

When and as I see myself becoming defensive from hearing my name spoken in a disappointed tone, and then projecting that defensiveness as anger or irritation towards the speaker, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to myself in self-responsibility, within the understanding that the defensiveness is only defending my self-limitation and the secret self-relationship I have developed within it. I open myself up to receive whatever is going to be said to me, within the understanding that nothing that will be spoken can ‘hurt’ me, any more than I’ve hurt myself with a lack of consideration of the consequences. Thus, I accept and walk/breathe through the consequences within the understanding that I will eventually stop myself from doing the behavior in the first place.

I commit myself to become the living realization that the consequences of my actions will be faced, if not immediately, inevitably, eventually, thus I bring the consequences Here, and base my behavior on that which will create acceptable consequences.

Day 102- Secret Self-Relationship: Disappointment- Backchat Dimension

This blog is continued from days 93- My name is Kim, 94- My Name is Kim but Who Am I Really? , 99- My Name is Kim, but Who Am I Really? (Layout),  Day 100- SecretSelf-Relationship, and Day 101- Secret Self-Relationship: Disappointment
Within this blog, I am looking at the backchat/self-talk I experience when someon calls myname in a disappointed tone:

Backchats/self-talk:
1) “Oh god, what’s he/she going to say”
2) “Don’t cry, brace yourself”
3) “what I did is none of his/her business”
4) “how dare he/she accuse me of any wrongdoing”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created and manifested the internal emotional energetic experience of self-disappointment to the point where I have accepted and allowed an entire character to evolve from it, which speaks as a voice in the head, becoming the directive principle of who and how I am, and how I experience myself the moment it is triggered and activated by words and tonalities, specifically my secret self-disappointments which are triggered and activated at the sound of my name being spoken in a disappointed tone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the self-created self-talk as the voice in the head to say “Oh god, what’s he/she going to say,” upon hearing my voice spoken in a disappointed tone, within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea, perception and belief that something someone else says to me can actually create the experience of disappointment within and as me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it exists within me already, because I have accepted and allowed it to, in place of having stopped and changed the actions and behaviours that disappoint me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the self-created backchat wherein I think to myself, “don’t cry, brace yourself” to exist within and as me. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have suppressed my self-disappointment to the point that it builds up within me to an emotional outburst as crying, because in that moment I have to face it all at once, which is overwhelming and thus impossible to ‘make sense’ of everything that comes up in that moment, thus the release is in the form of tears of self-pity and self-victimization, instead of in the form of self-understanding and self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the parts of me that I don’t want to look at or deal with, because it is easier to ignore and pretend it is not there than it is to address and change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “what I did is none of his/her business” when I hear my name called in a disappointed tone, within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-disappointment within and as me, instead of seeing it as unacceptable and unallowable because it is self-diminishment and self-limitation which is stopping me from living Here for real, as a real human being, I havd taken the easy route of acceptance and allowance, which entails  a 'making peace' with it, as if there were no other choice, and pretending that that is 'ok', when self-disappointment is obviously NOT 'ok', as demonstrated by the negative reactions I experience within me when I hear my name in a disappointed tone. Within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then defend my acceptances and allowances within the excuse “it’s none of your business”, within the belief that, if everyone would just leave me alone, I would never have to face myself. However, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand that, I cannot escape facing me, as I will always be the result of what I have accepted and allowed within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think within myself as backchat “how dare he/she accuse me of any wrongdoing,” within the belief that the self-disappointment I experience upon hearing my name spoken in a disappointed tone, is the fault of the speaker, instead of realizing and understanding that I am accusing another in defense of my own self-limitation.

Self-Corrective statements to follow…

Hi, My Name is Kim

It has recently been brought to my attention that the name I was given actually has an effect on Who I Am. So what does that mean? It means that Who I Am I terms of how I feel, what I do, how I act, how I react to people, how I interact- everything that makes me, everything that I thought I was the ‘boss’ of and ‘decision maker’ of, can actually be running itself based on the reactions I experience to things as seemingly simple and harmless as words, such as my name. These reactions bring up memories and thoughts, feelings and emotions which are not necessarily of my choosing, it is almost as if it is automatic, as if it were a program.

And if you think about it- it really is like a program. I experience something in my world, say- someone says my name in an angry tone, and all of a sudden- as if by magic, I am experiencing myself differently than I was seconds earlier. Maybe I'm feeling fearful, rigid, tense etc.. Why? Because of memories where someone said my name in an angry tone and then something happened that allowed me to justify the negative experience occurring within me, such as something like a negative consequence as being yelled at or being punished.

It was not my choosing to select and bring forth such memories, I mean, why would I want to experience that again, or experience it every time someone says my name in an angry tone.?The truth is, I wouldn't- yet I do, without even realizing it. Because I have it programmed into me that a certain tone associated to my name triggers a certain chemical to release into my blood and cause me to experience myself a certain way, which usually impacts everything I do while I’m experiencing it, so that the outflows of that chemical release as a feeling or emotion, actually ripples through me, changes Who I AM, and then has an influence or impact on those around me through my interaction with them, as well as everything I do. So, as simple and seemingly insignificant as these programs may seem, they actually have a lot of influence, if you consider they are occurring all the time and within everyone.
These programs are determined by the things we previously experienced, which become memories and  feeling or emotional experiences, and the personalities we developed to cope with those experiences, which are like a cast of characters (such as, for me, ‘school Kim’, ‘work Kim’, ‘social life Kim’, ‘family Kim’, ‘girlfriend or wife Kim’, ‘friend Kim’, ‘girl next door Kim’, ‘sad or happy Kim’, ‘confident Kim’, ‘insecure Kim’ and so on… you get the point), and then the thoughts, feelings and emotions which are triggered and stem up from these characters and manifest inside of us as internal experiences which then effect the way, the who, and the how that we are (for example: ‘friend Kim’ likes to go out and be social, but ‘insecure Kim’ would rather stay home and eat junk food and watch tv, or ‘confidant Kim’ studies hard and stays on top of her work, but that is sabotaged by ‘sad Kim’ who mopes around and procrastinates and feels that life is pointless).

So, where in all this, is my agency? I mean, yes, throughout my life here and there I have applied myself with everything I have and followed through on something, but even within those endeavors, was I completely in control of Who I Am, within my life and world? Was I in control every time I spoke with my mom, dad, husband, sister, nieces and nephews, teachers, friends etc… or did I get angry, frustrated, insulted, annoyed, excited, motivated etc…thus triggering characters? How about when I wanted to eat healthy or exercise, watch less tv, call my grandmother, stop after this drink, stop after this bite, walk the dog more, read more, be patient with my coworkers, speak up in class, start assignments sooner, loosen up in social groups, learn to listen, express myself more clearly, stop biting my nails, take shorter showers, use natural cleaners? – Meaning, even during the times in my life where I made decisions and saw them through to completion, can I really say that, in every moment, it was ME who was living and making every decision? Or how often was it one of my cast of characters? In other words, how much of it was being run on these automatic programs that developed within the first seven or so years of my life? And so- how many of our daily actions can we really say we make the directive decision to do, when we do them, and how well we do them? And how much of what we do is just being pulled around on auto-pilot, by some seemingly all powerful force that we don’t even realize is directing us and pulling the strings in our lives.
I am going to look at this automation by looking at my name, ‘Kim’, and to look at the memories I’ve associated with it based on the tonality with which it is spoken to me, and how that tonality actually affects the entirety of the way and the Who that I am. Is it ME,  or is it the pre-designed memory-based character that is activated based on the memories triggered by the tonality of voice used when and as my name is spoken? And again-this functions the exact same way for everyone. And if you follow this blog series on ‘Names’ , you will see there is a very interesting surprise, which you will be able to look at and apply in your own life, that may answer a lot of questions about who we are and why we are the way we are in this context.
In my next blog, I will look at three examples of name tonalities, the reactions experienced toward them, and the memories associated with them.