Feeling Out-of-Place at a Party: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

I went to a party and felt incredibly uncomfortable. I was probably the youngest and only single, non-parent there. I was living in South Africa living a life so completely different than the attendees, who were mostly in their careers, buying homes and raising families. Looking at it, one would assume we  would have a lot to talk about and share... but the emotional experience I was having was crippling me from being comfortable enough in my own skin to "just be myself"

Here is a recording from a person that died and is now speaking through the interdimensional portal. I still struggle a bit with this point, but this recording gives some practical steps for how to approach 'just being yourself' in new situations.

Just Be Yourself - Life Review

"How did this being experience themselves when people told them to “Just be yourself”?
How is this statement unrealistic for most people in the world as it exists now?
How does this statement open up the question “Who am I?”?
What suggestions does this being have for entering into new situations and/or meeting new people?"

For now, from me: some Self-forgiveness on feeling out-of-place at a party I would have rather liked to enjoy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for feeling alien and out-of-place at social interactions like a house-party.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I have nothing to say, nothing in common with, no interest in and am bored by people my age at a house party or social event, within this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge house-parties as boring and lame, thinking and believing that there are so many better and more important things we people can be doing with our time, and then judge the people at the parties as also boring and 2 dimensional, only to be proven wrong at times when I do open up and interact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not easily fitting in, or not enjoying such events as others seem to, thinking, believing and perceiving that I must now behave a certain way in terms of speaking and interacting like the others do, instead of being myself, or being more quiet/reserved/observational if that is who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon realizing that I do not have to live up to any behavioural expectations at social interactions, be left wondering who and how I am and how to express it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for sitting quietly and not talking to anyone wherein I feel embarrassed like I am doing something wrong where I look like I am not having fun, looked like i am bored, look like I want to be elsewhere, wherein, if I am really that bored and want to be elsewhere, then that is my responsibility to leave, but if I choose to stay, to then make it work for myself instead of complaining and being bitter.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the only reason I have made social interactions such as 'house parties' boring, and difficult and alien is because i have for so long tried to live up to a standard, behave in a certain way, be what I'm 'supposed to' be, which will obviously never be an enjoyable experience, where, instead of taking self-responsibility, I've blamed house parties and social interactions for being boring, lame, alien, a bad use of time, etc... and not looking argh I I am within it and how I am actually creating that experience.

I forgive myself that I have Not accepted and allowed myself to use social events and house parties as a way to get to know myself better, to have some fun, let loose, let go and play around with different expressions or ways of interacting where I don't 'stick to the rules' I've created in my head, but develop and create new ways, my ways of being, doing and behaving.

Manifesting Your Own Consequences

Sometimes the most challenging things to hear can be the most empowering. I recently listened to an Eqafe recording called “Manifesting YourOwn Consequences”, and found it to be (like most of the Eqafe recordings I listen to) a very empowering lesson. While I was listening and relating to the information being shared in this discussion, I was remembering personal experiences and applying what I was hearing to who and how I was within those experiences.

The recording discusses how we actually create consequences in our life to face based on, for example, deep-seated fears we may or may not even know we carry around with us. For me personally, I had repeating patterns of consequences in relationships, at work and in my family. I was able to get a clearer picture about how I had been basing life decisions on these fears that I was carrying around with me, by not looking at and never really facing them. I had been avoiding them, suppressing and avoiding experiences in my life because of this.

Eventually, I had some pretty big emotional and physical consequences play out in my life where what I was doing was placed squarely in front of me. I had the choice to continue living as I was living, or I could learn from what I had done and try a new, different way. This recording assisted and supported me to play back the experiences I have had to create awareness and understanding regarding exactly what I was experiencing and how I was creating it. It also provided some amazing steps, tips and tricks to avoid playing out the same pattern and consequences in the future.

Now I actually look forward to investigating the fears that come up during the day, and directing myself to face them before they turn into unavoidable consequences. I am eager to continue to develop the self-trust and self-honesty to be able to turn facing my fears into constructive instances of self-development!

Secrets Revealed in Body Language

About a week or so ago I listened to a recording that had a direct impact on my life in a very real way. The recording discussed physical posture and what certain positions or mannerisms mean in terms of who you are within yourself. Personally, I do put some consideration into my posture and how I present myself, but never before had it had the impact on my actual experience in a social situation than when I was armed with this information. 

I have had very intense social anxiety, and still to this day it comes out in certain situations. Recently I was at a party that was very hectic and also had people that I didn’t know very well. These are two ingredients which usually make me feel like disappearing into the background and speaking very little. However this time, I kept thinking about the recording and noticing little things I was doing with my body. 

I kept on making small adjustments to my position according to what I had learned, and I noticed that when I was in certain positions I was in fact feeling a certain way within myself (like closed off, focused too much on my internal stuff, or avoiding people and things). As I made the adjustments I felt like I was gently challenging myself to open up a bit more and support myself to reach out and interact. I ended up surprising myself when I saw I was engaging in very natural social behaviour, and as a result, actually having a good time! It ended up being a very enjoyable experience, totally unexpected from just making minor adjustments to my body and checking myself in small moments here and there. 

I would definitely recommend “Gorilla Style – Body Language” (https://eqafe.com/p/gorilla-style-body-language) to anyone that has social anxiety or even finds themselves a bit uncomfortable in certain social situations (like at a meeting, a job interview, party, etc…). It’s amazing how a little awareness can make such a big difference!

To take the first step in supporting YOURSELF, you can check out the following links that led me to take the first steps toward healing, and continue to support me to this day:

 

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime

Day 202- What Your Excuses are Telling You

I recently sat in on an Eqafe interview and an interesting thing happened. I wasn’t feeling tired before the interview began, but as I was listening I had to fight to stay awake. At one point I was even dreaming with my eyes open. What this indicates is that I was hearing information that my mind did NOT want to hear or accept, like a self-preservation/defense mechanism. Which is interesting because that was the topic of the interview.

The interview was discussing the tendency we have to justify, excuse or limit ourselves to remain a certain way or in a certain personality or habit. For example, I had been facing the point of being shy in a group. I always accepted this as a part of me or of my personality that was unchangeable, and I would  justify remaining this way by telling myself that certain experiences I had had in my life had formed me and now this is how I am. The memories of being bullied or embarrassed in front of a group would come back to haunt me and create a fear or resistance, so in the same or similar situations I would withdraw within myself and want to become invisible, trying to avoid having this memory replay.

So what is happening here is that the mind is using memories to defend this original self-definition or belief, in order to keep up the ‘shyness’ personality and all the reactions that go with that. This is instead of the common sense approach of the person having an experience, learning from it and changing through letting it go and trying something new.

In this, we can see that nothing of us is set in stone, everything is changeable, and we can learn, grow and evolve. But we use excuses based on past memories to justify why we can’t change, and how impossible it is to grow, learn and evolve. This is an important realization, because next time I see myself saying: “I’m this way because…..” or “I can’t do that because…”, I know these are red flags showing me that I am at a moment of opportunity, where I can simply bypass the justifications and excuses, and walk into a new situation with a ‘blank slate’, to really experience what I am in fact capable of.

 

Self-Study with support, learn to respect you and others, learn how to stop mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively that you actually change forever, learn how to stop and change the automatic thoughts that run your life --Sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, try it for yourself .

Day 38- Suppression continued

Continuing from yesterday’s blog about self-suppression instead of speaking up/standing up for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have the power to make another submit to me if I stand up or speak up for myself, instead of realizing that from a starting point of self-honesty, there is no inferiority/superiority polarity game, only self-expression in the moment, and I cannot control how another reacts/responds to my self-expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself through others, by judging ‘suppressed types’ which I see and define as cold, hard, rigid, boring and asexual.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen by others as cold, hard, rigid, boring and asexual, instead of realizing that I only fear seeing it in myself and thus hide it or overcompensate for it, thus suppressing myself even more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as cold, hard, rigid, boring and asexual (due to the fact that I know that I suppress myself), instead of taking the entirety of me into consideration and not judging but rather directing who and how I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react internally as anger when I feel I need to stick up for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry and take it personally when someone challenges me or my stance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that no one should challenge me because I’m not out to challenge anyone.

To be continued….

Day 8 – Saying Goodbye

Today was the day of goodbyes. I have always feared crying in front of people and due to this fear would suppress it as if my life depended on it. Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally expressive was a terrifying experience for me at first, but as I got used to it I also got used to expressing myself more and more until finally, I became comfortable with it in relation to that person. However, I would project my suppressed self on to those who have know me for longer, and within this I have to face/accept my self-change when I am with them. Today I had to say goodbye. Due to the entire life/circumstantial/situational changes I am walking into, I had projections and fears that created an overwhelming emotional experience within me, and I pushed myself to walk through the self-created pattern of suppression by allowing myself to cry, but I still had reactions, so...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear crying/expressing myself in front of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself in front of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgment of others when I cry/express myself/expose myself in front of them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for crying/expressing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for crying because I think that it reveals my weakness/the fact that I am weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive crying as weakness instead of realizing that crying can simply be a release of overwhelming emotions that I have accepted and allowed to build up within me due to my participation within thoughts, feelings, emotions, fears, regrets and projection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen or perceived as weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see or perceive myself as weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an image of myself as strong ad together and then projecting that image out as who I believe myself to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt/try to manipulate others to see mr a certain way so that I may confirm to myself that I am that way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project strength and togetherness to hide the fact that I believe myself to be weak and scattered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am weak and scattered, thus creating the polarity of myself as strong and together instead of simply being me Here, and working with myself through that which needs to be worked through in the moment in order to create myself as stability within the understanding that ‘I got this’, I can handle me through that which needs to be handled. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt or try to create a belief of strength and togetherness through thoughts and projection, instead of patiently actually building and creating it as me by investigating and pulling apart and correcting that which I accept ad allow to create weakness, scattered-ness and instability within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the polarity of strong/weak and together/scattered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself due to fear of judgment and self-expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others seeing me change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire the security and apparent stability of constancy instead of realizing that the only thing that remains constant are the endless cycles of ups and down caused by participation in polarities, and endless constant patterns as habits and routines that limit me and keep me from growing, building, learning and exploring myself and my world.

I commit myself to self-change and self-exposure by fearlessly changing myself regardless of who or what or where I am, and by exposing myself to myself in forgiveness so that I may change myself accordingly.

I commit myself to myself- that I may stand as me regardless of who or what or where I am.

I commit myself to express myself when I need to, so that I may see what it is I have accepted and allowed and suppressed within me in order to expose it, forgive it and change it through self-corrective application.

When I see that I am going into suppression, I stop, and I breathe. I allow myself to express/release me so that I may continue walking my change until it is done.

Day 6 - Numb to Reality

            In six days I’ve gone up and come back down, and now I’m in some kind of weird numbness-limbo state in which I feel lost and directionless. Except this time it may have more to do with my current reality/situation. I’ m about to move away again and last time this happened I went numb as well. I thought I wasn’t feeling anything last time either, but then I started crying right before I went to get into the car. I remember right before that, when I was having breakfast, my whole face felt so heavy, yet I’m so used to suppressing my emotions that I didn’t even realize I was sad. The sadness comes from regret.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take a back seat when I could have stood up as myself as life in moments where I instead allowed fear and ‘old habits’ direct me instead of directing myself Here as Life.

These ‘old habits’ are suppression and introversion, wherein I internalize everything in moments of fear. I commit mself to pushing though the fear of self-expression, bit by bit by bit until I’m able to express me without being influenced by fear.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to walk without certainty, without direction, aimlessly while occupied and entertained by my backchat, fantasies, ego and imagination while in reality I was/am stagnating and accumulating consequences and not Living.

I commit myself to work on self-direction, wherein I stick to my principles as goals, by making practical goals and then working towards them by taking practical steps in the Hereness of each moment, because that is the only place that I move me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to waste time not living due to fear, patterns and habits instead of fearlessly living Life as an equal, and one with the substance that is Here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not believe in myself, in my Hereness and my real actual living presence, and instead I abdicate myself to my past, and limit myself based on the beliefs I hold onto that are based on past memories and experiences, and limit and contain myself within ego, believing myself to be that and only that.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge others and to diminish others through my judgment of them without considering their entire situation and the process they have been through to get there.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge and diminish myself through judging others, and not bringing it back to myself, but separating myself from others by judging them and believing my judgments to be real instead of realizing/remembering that the only judgment is self-judgment, and that which I judge in others is what I am refusing to look at and acknowledge within myself.

I commit myself to live without judgment, and to instead use judgment as an indicator of whatI judge within me, so that I may forgive it and change it or stop it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed stress and anxiety to exist within and as me, wherein I participated in the mind of stress and anxiety to the point of destructiveness, towards myself and my relationships with those around me. In this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to grow frustrated, angry and annoyed by others when I lack self-direction and within and through that, I create stress and anxiety within me over time, but blame others for it in the moments when others enter my world when I am stressed or anxious.

I commit myself to taking full responsibility for that which I am and participate within.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to recoil in fear instead of standing as Life when things are tense, stressful or intense, wherein I become reactive instead of directing myself through the experience without participating in that which gives me the excuse to react.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into ego around others instead of facing myself as them as equals, such as listening with absolute openness and without reactions, thoughts or judgments, understanding each is in their own process, and allowing myself to be okay with that and comfortable with that without feeling responsible for others in terms of guilt or a savior complex. I allow myself to simply listen and hear and grasp and understand because I am Here with many many other beings, equal and one.

These are the things I regret in my final days in this place. I understand that regret is the result of not standing and not living fully present and aware in every moment, and is the result of letting go, because the egoic projections were not met, and thus the ego has lost the game of imaginary winners.

I allow myself to take the lessons and mistakes from these past two years, and carry them with me until I have walked them through in their entirety, so that I may not repeat them again, but instead learn from them what it is I need to do/change, where it is necessary for me to direct, what I must forgive, and which actions will lead to a world that’s best for all.

I commit myself to standing and creating a world that’s best for all in every moment of breath, starting with the smallest things and my immediate relationships, because that is where I am so that is where I need to start.

I commit myself to hearing/listening/understanding people in my world, so that I may develop relationship of equality with them within self-honesty and presence that I may lead by example in my words and my world.