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I am continuing here
with the pattern of self-sabotage within and as OCD.
The following forms of
self-sabotage hinder any real progress, growing or evolving within one’s
ability to function within a given task/set of tasks/job/activity. Herein
I am focusing on myself and my functioning within my employment because it is
an ideal place for the OCD personality to emerge, as it is a constant string of
tasks requiring prioritizing and successful completion.
The aforementioned
self-sabotage takes place within and through the mind creation of the
experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’, through OCD causing a fear of moving forward
within finishing one task or set of tasks, and proceeding onto the next.
Moving
from one task to the next is a simple act which can be incredibly difficult to
the OCD sufferer, because of the fear that something had been forgotten or
missed, and the entire project would seem to be headed for failure or disaster.
The constant repetition of a thought or action would be comforting, as if to
assure one had looked at it thoroughly enough to have not missed anything.
However, that experience of ‘thoroughly enough’ is not reached, or only reached
after many attempts/repetitions. The amount of details that can be obsessed
over in this way are innumerable, and the tendency to obsess becomes
compulsive, meaning, beyond one’s control to refrain from.
Within the following
two self-forgiveness statements, I am scripting out a path for myself to follow
instead of falling into this pattern of self-sabotage, which is an
overwhelming-ness caused by the amount of details to obsess over, due to the
fear of missing something, thus never obtaining ‘completion’ or the experience
of 'completion', which would free one up to move on to the next
task/step/obligation. This lack of the experience of ‘completion’ is also
combined with the fear of failure, which would be a projection of inevitable
failure due to having missed a detail. (To read more about the ‘experience of
completion’ versus ‘actual completion’ within OCD, read this blog: Day 155- I Have OCD, And for the correction,
read this one: Day156- OCD: It Makes You Super-Human, 'Unstoppable').
“I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to see a blur of innumerable tiny details within
the desire to compulsively obsess over each one, instead of taking a step back
and a moment to see the bigger picture, thus allowing myself to prioritize my
cases/tasks.’
When and as I see
that I am creating a wall of resistance by obsessing over each detail as if
each detail were as important as the one detail that would actually count, and
would actually be the thing to do to move forward, I stop, and I breathe. I
bring myself back to self-movement within the realization and understanding
that I overwhelm myself with all the tiny details when I am confronted with a
detail that would actually count, and actually be a move forward due to fear of
taking the self-responsibility of directing myself to see a task through to
practical completion. I move myself to identify the task which triggered the
overwhelming-ness, and I give myself a moment to look at that task in the
timelessness of the present moment, and within one breath I move myself to
begin that task.
I commit myself to
walk the self-trust required to direct myself to stop avoiding, but instead
actually begin the tasks/obligations/responsibilities that I am faced with
within my work, and to see them through to a place (and not an experience)
where I can then begin to work on the next task.
I commit myself to
take a breath and look at the entire situation, and the practical steps I can
take within the situation, instead of overwhelming myself with all the small
details and avoiding it.
I commit myself to
take notes of the important details when I am at work, and to actually tend to
all of them as best as possible, and if I do not get to them all, to leave a
note for the next person, and if I forget something, I commit myself to tend to
it as best as possible when I realize I had forgotten it, to not judge myself
or create and generate anger, fear and anxiety because I had forgotten a detail
somewhere.
“I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to project into an imagined future within my
tasks/cases, that each outcome is doomed and will not work out, or will turn
out in the worst possible way due to the fear that I have missed a tiny
detail along the way, instead of realizing that I will not accept or allow this
to happen, and I know full well that I have the resources and a team to figure
out even the most doomed scenarios, and to correct the situation if I did in
fact miss a detail.”
When and as I see
myself taking a step which I know could have potentially undesirable
consequences, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-responsibility
by directing myself to take each step properly, doing what’s best, with
awareness and care, and functional practicality.
(Within this
self-corrective statement I realized the tendency to actually try/attempt to
avoid seeing the task through due to the fear and overwhelming-ness created
before having even begun the task, or while initially starting the task. This
would lead to cutting corners and the self-dishonesties of having put work into
something that is below the level or standard of what one is actually capable
of. Interestingly, this would cause the work to be done poorly and thus likely
to fail. It would cause missed details and an inability to control or direct
the outcome of the project, which is the exact conditions that would trigger
the OCD in the first place. Within this, it is seen once again, how the
disorder, or the being within and AS the disorder, would perpetuate and feed
itself).
I commit myself to
see a task through to completion by looking at the reality of the task and what
needs to be done, or how it needs to be done, and then to let go and move on,
despite the internal experience of having forgotten something or missed
something.
I commit myself to
trusting myself that I will return to a task and tend to any details or parts I
may have missed the first time around, without judging myself or believing I
had failed.
When and as I see
that I am beginning a task within the internal
experience/belief/perception/idea using fantasies and imaginings that it has
already failed or will inevitably fail. I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself
back to self-direction by breathing through the fear and resistance of not
following these thoughts, but instead stopping my participation within and as
them by uttering ‘stop’, either within myself or out loud, and looking at the
task with ‘fresh eyes’ within the understanding and realization that the
outcome of the task is NOT yet determined, and it Is within my ability to
direct the task through to see the task through to proper completion.
Within the above
self-corrective statement I realize it is more comforting to see the tasks as
having already failed, than it is to apply oneself to see it through to
successful completion, because seeing the task through to failure is easier and
more predictable or controllable, than a whole-hearted self-application to see
it through successfully. What I have seen throughout my process thus far is
that even when I apply myself fully, there is always the possibility of outside
influences and elements that are beyond my control that can affect or hinder my
work. Within OCD this induces fear and uncertainty, due to the OCD
personality/entity wanting, needing and desiring absolute control/controlled
environment and predictability. However, what must be realized and understood
here is that we cannot function within complete isolation wherein we would then
have complete control over an outcome. Within fully applying oneself
within one’s work, one is taking responsibility for that work. That would imply
taking responsibility for one’s own work, as well as taking the
self-responsibility to direct oneself within the work of others, as well as whatever other
input is affecting the work, whether it be the customer, coworkers, employer,
boss, supervisor, or client (at a place of employment). It can be any elements
within one’s environment (teacher or class-mates at school, audience, weather
etc… depending on the task).
I commit myself to
push through the discomfort of realizing I do not have complete control over my
environment , but by applying myself fully despite the fact that outside elements
will influence the outcome of the work I do, I determine 'Who I Am' within the work I do.
I commit myself to
let go of the idealized perfection I am able to obtain in my mind where only I
exist, and to instead work in a social world as a social creature where
outcomes are the result of innumerable factors which I have a limited ability
to direct.
I realize that this limitation ends within my ability to direct myself with and as self-honesty within the work that I do and the way that I Live.
I commit myself to
apply myself fully within the work that I do and the Way that I Live, and to direct every given situation to the Best of My Ability, within the understanding that the outcome can still be
successful even if it does not match the play out I had imagined in my mind, and that real success is actually pushing myself to stand up within myself and within the Way I work and Live no Matter the outcomes of the situations I navigate at work.
I commit myself to Stand Up within the work I am able to do, and to do it to the best of my
ability by taking Complete Self-Responsibility within my own work, within the
realization that I am able to perfect my application, not my ability to
predict the exact outcomes. Realizing also that over time, My Work Will Stand
if I continue to apply myself fully and take self-responsibility within the
work that I am able to complete and direct.
To be continued....
Continued from:
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