Be Silent Always (2)

 

 

This blog is continued from Be Silent Always (What is Real Silence?)

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the inner storms, the inner turmoil, the dis-ease, and the emotional states that I experience within myself are caused by the mind-noise, the lack of silence, the missed moments, the accumulation of seemingly insignificant thoughts that arise in moments, and within this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the accumulated consequence that I myself created through not remaining silent always as a real silence, not seeing and realizing the self-fulfilling prophecy of creating the very emotional states and inner turmoil, which ends up bogging me down physically and emotionally, when all along all I had to do was be Here, in each moment, like a fresh moment and a blank slate in each breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hang on to the mind-noise as inner chatter, repeating thoughts, repeating the same patterns over and over, reacting in the same ways over and over. Not seeing and realizing how easy it actually is to just stop, to let it all go, to take a breath and begin anew, forgive myself and move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I am alone, there should be silence except for practical planning and direct seeing of my environment, and that anything other than this is mind-noise which always accumulates into a negative consequence with a destructive effect in myself, in my life or in the lives of others (as myself) eventually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hang onto positive thoughts when I know this creates a polarity which compromises me eventually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hang on to negative thoughts as it destroys me immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hang on to thoughts and become addicted to thoughts and thinking instead of taking a breath and walking through the slight pull every time I stop myself from participating in thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that inner-silence/remaining silent always is boring, and that within this I should be stimulated, constantly buzzing to keep me distracted and pre-occupied in a tiny bubble where all of my time and focus is invested on controlling the inner-experience that I myself am disrupting with polarized thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the control I experience when I accept/allow myself to manipulate myself with positive and negative thoughts, not seeing and realizing that I am not actually in control, the thoughts move too quickly, and so I am constantly only playing catch-up and damage-control, trying to maintain and subdue the stress levels, the anxiety levels, the fear levels, the insecurity, the uncertainty – all of the conditions I have conditioned my body into over a lifetime – thus proving to myself that actual control does not exist, only Self-Expression in the moment can carry one through on the cutting edge of time – real time, timelessness, the unpredictable, the unplanned, the things cannot be prepared for. Only Self-Expression does not accumulate destructive consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being silent is without sound, not seeing and realizing that Life is sound, and there will be sounds, and the only ‘noise’ is reacting to those sounds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot be silent always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can’t stop my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot quite my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot do something if I have not already done it before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a quiet mind is impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when my mind is quiet, I enjoy myself more.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when my mind is quiet, I laugh more.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when my mind is quiet I do more of the things that I know will benefit me, and within that self-consideration, I find fulfillment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when my mind is quiet, I can consider others more, and that within that consideration I find fulfillment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when my mind is quiet, I consider what is Best for All.

Day 131- Chasing the Carrot on the Stick

I’m taking a pause from the series I have been writing through because as the time has passed since I began writing out the resistances and difficulties I experience as a student, I have actually finished my studies. Therefore I will be focusing on what is in my immediate environment/Here within my writing, which no longer includes these issues. I’m writing now because I am experiencing within myself the resistances associated with the thought/belief that I don’t have any time to write. I have experienced this resistance throughout my end of semester exam period, and along with a new full-time job, I interpreted this as ‘too much’ within the thought, ‘I can’t do one more thing’.

Now I will never know if I could in fact do one more thing, because I didn’t push myself to try. There were perhaps some days where this was so, but not all of the days that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘loosen the reigns’ and not write myself out, even just a little in order to stay on top of my self-movement, my self-application and my self-directive principle.

Speaking in a chat with my DIP buddy today, I saw a point I had been missing in relation to this. She asked me a simple question, which involved the definition of ‘leisure time’. I thought about it for a moment, and I realized that I defined leisure time as ‘the time that is left over once everything else is done’. It hit me and she also saw that this is quite the contradiction, because, ‘everything’ is never ‘all done’. So, I realize I had worked myself up into this state of mind wherein I was moving from task to task in some mad race to finish everything so that I could get to my goal of ‘leisure time’, however this goal had been set by myself in my mind as an experience of ‘having it all done’. But life is a constant doing, it’s never ‘all done’ or else it would cease to be, and I would be dead. At the most basic level it is a constant doing, from the beating of the heart, to breathing, to eating and shitting, to having to earn a living and of course, to self-growth, self-change, and self-correction.

Looking at the situation in common sense, I then saw that even though I was living out this ‘constant never-ending doing’, seeking the experience of completion- I was actually not performing any better than if I were to slow down and breathe and allow for leisure time for myself to enjoy myself despite the fact that I have done 'completed everything', which is, of couse, impossible anyways. All of a sudden I see that as I slow down, I actually create ‘more time’, instead of what I previously thought, which was: ‘the more I get done, the more time I’ll have,’ and then of course ‘once I get it all done, I will experience release/relief/peace’. But what I didn’t see was that I was creating the tension, the stress and the experience of ‘no time’. I was/am the source of it, it is not outside of me as ‘all the work I have to do’. This is empowering because, as the source I am then also the solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest the internal energetic experience of ‘rushing’, ‘racing’, and ‘chasing’ the experience of ‘completion’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this experience only exists in my mind as that which I will experience ’later’, and thus not something real that I am living as NOW, HERE in the present moment, indicating that it is in fact an illusion, acting as a carrot on a stick which I chase and chase and the faster I move and the harder I try, the faster the ‘carrot’ moves and the more difficult my current experience becomes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the illusionary reality I create within my mind wherein Life becomes the pursuit of made-up experiences which seem so real and possible to attain, yet which somehow are never quite achieved… instead of looking at the actual current reality of myself and my situation and what I have accepted and allowed my current/present state/self/reality to actually be, and basing my actions/decisions/application on this input/information as the actual real physical reality I exist within/as and share with all and everything else that is Here together with me.
 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that as I ignore my current/present state/self/reality, and instead constantly and continuously look into the future and chase wants and desires as experiences as the ‘carrot on a stick’, the quality of the current/present state/self/reality actually diminishes as it is not given the utmost attention, care and direction by myself, in order to create a living reality for myself which would actually assist and support me in the most effective ways possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the present moment, wherein I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not tend to myself and my reality within/as the present moment with the utmost care, attention and direction, in order to direct my life and world to be/become one which supports me in such a way that I will be/become stable and able to support others as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the present moment by spending too much time in my mind thinking about/planning/imagining/worrying about the future/my future instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only way to practically create a future that supports me, is by supporting myself NOW, moment to moment, within the realization that the future does not really exist, the only thing that really exists is the present moment, and the daily application of self-direction within the principle of doing what’s best for all (which includes me- thus, is also self-interest as an all-inclusive self-interest where the interest of others is equal to and one with my own interest), which will always prove to be and create a reality that is supportive/best for all because the results are physically measurable and can thus be directed and adjusted based on physical feedback as consequences and friction, and thus able to be re-aligned back to what’s best for all.

Self commitment and self-corrective statements to follow...

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