Ruining a Dinner Party - micro-blog from Desteni Universe

Here I am cooking... or should I say 'ruining' dinner! As I was experiencing mostly one disaster after another.

New kitchen and kitchen appliances, new ingredients, new climate, air, water... everything is different here than when I am cooking in South Africa. Things were not working out the way I was used to as I was making my usual butter chicken, naan and paneer, yet there was a lot of pressure coming at me to cook a meal for a group of guests, not to the waste money spent on ingredients by things not working out, and to make something fabulous!

What happened was that I burnt the sauce even though I was cooking it a lowest level on the stove top. My cheese simply did not separate into curds and whey, but became a thick cream, my bread did not rise half as much as I am used to - all while using the same steps and measurements I always do!

I thought to myself, 'well this is a disaster', and was told by someone "if you fuck it up I'll kill you" lol! Half jokingly, yet at the same time not.

The interesting thing was that I felt totally fine about the whole thing: as things were not working out, I was feeling a bit bad, yes, but not stressed, not worried, not guilty... what existed in me was more along the lines of: I've done my best so we'll have to make do with whatever happens!

And it's funny because I remember walking this point of 'ruining a meal' at the farm - There is actual real consequence to it, with the resources wasted when resources are limited, and then people also depending on and planning their work etc around a certain meal time - and so I would stress every week on my cooking day to the point where I would get knots in my back... and it seems so silly now how I would project people being angry and disappointed and not liking my food, and it would trigger a whole spiral of reaction within me.

And so I worked on the point every week until it eventually became about practical skill development only (with of course enjoyment, expression, experimenting etc), where I let go of the expectations and projections and worked instead from a more grounded and present stance.

And this is what I did today, quite naturally as I was cooking this meal that was not working out. And it was a pleasant surprise to see my hard self-work pay off, because I used to get myself worked up into quite a state when preparing for guests to arrive in my home.

In this scenario, I saved the sauce by changing pots and not stirring up the burnt part, we made an experiment out of the overly creamy cheese, by breading and frying it into balls which were quite yummie, and the naan was much thicker and heavier than I'm used to, but everyone seemed to love it, and loved the butter chicken too! There were people that didn't show up as well, so a smaller group than expected, lots of left overs to take home, and a very calm, relaxed chef that could laugh at the earlier threats and expectations!

This EQAFE recording assisted me most in working with my anxiety. I listened to it years ago, and still apply the information today. This is one recording, but it is part of a series on anxiety which I'd highly recommend for anyone whose anxiety tends to get in the way of things they should normally enjoy:

Deconstructing your anxiety - Atlanteans' Support - Part 85

"This interview provides support on how to find the source of your anxiety and deconstruct it from your life."

 

Day 231 - Learning how to Breathe

It's been less than a month since I've been back on the Desteni Farm. I spent a little under three months here before I went back to Canada for the holidays. I have been fortunate to be able to come here, although a lot of that fortune had to do with myself planning my life accordingly to be able to come here.

When I got here originally, I had highly intense internal experiences which I had become used to over time, where it is only in retrospect that I can see the extent of what I had been carrying around for so many years. With the support of those around me, I was able to work through the intensity, and slowly but surely reduce it.

After that, I began working on other points that had also always been there, but more in the background. And through my self-investigation (as well as constantly seeking support, either directly or indirectly asking and learning from others here), I began to understand and work with those as well. Everything now being a work in progress, a balancing or juggling act of different issues, patterns, habits, personalities and of course, my fundamental human nature that I am working on re-aligning according to the principles I wish to live, sorting out the disease and uncomfortability within me, I reached a point that I hadn't even realized I was struggling with. I realize that for so many years now, I haven't been able to properly breathe.

I am finally looking at my physical body in depth. My posture, how I hold my arms, how I walk, when am I holding tension, am I relaxing ever part of me, my back, my jaw, and even my eyes? And within playing with this relaxed stance and letting go of tension, I realized that I have not been giving myself enough air.

I will almost feel out of breath in moments, and take a deep inhale, not realizing that I had been taking short, shallow breaths for a long while. It had gotten to the point where when I was back at my job, I would stand up from my desk and feel light-headed, and lose my vision for a moment and have to compose myself for a few seconds as I caught my breath. But when I would try to breathe, everything would feel so tight, like there was no space in my body for my lungs to fill with air. It would feel forced and like I couldn't get enough in.

Now, for the first time in a long time, I can take nice, deep, long inhales, filling my lungs completely. All I have to do now is get in to the habit of it and keep remembering, not only to catch my breath, but to breathe more deeply all the time. Breath awareness. - I had forgotten how to breathe.

Note: I am walking a process of self-change using the tools of support offered by www.Desteni.org. I am taking the course called DIP Pro. In this course I learn how to take every day moments and find ways to make myself a better, more understanding and well rounded human being, the kind of human being I would like to see in this world. "Be the change you want to see" is a cool saying, but actually doing it is a bit more confusing because people tend to believe that you can't change human nature. I believe you can, because I have seen myself changing to someone I've always wanted to be. Not there yet, but my motivation is fueled by the proof I have given to myself, which I have documented online every sep of the way, in my blogs and on youtube. DIP Pro requires serious dedication and commitment, it is ot for the faint of heart. If you want to test the waters for yourself, try the Lite version, it's called DIP Lite, and the best part is, it's free! Why? Because Desteni puts individual self-change above profit. Why does DIP Pro cost money? Because it costs money to exist in this world, and takes a dedicated team to run the program. Otherwise it would also be free.
Visit www.Desteni.org

21 Days of Osho Card Readings - Day12 of 21: TURNING IN

I was JUST discussing with @worldclassplayer about pulling the same Osho card as on a previous day. I contemplated doing a re-pull, but we both settled on looking deeper into the meaning of the card, as maybe something was missed, or a new dimension has opened up.

The intention I was holding within me when pulling this card was yet another dimension of 'work', or 'working'. The new dimension that came up yesterday while I was working and reflectin upon my last blog, was the 'people pleaser' character. It was causing stress and tension, which manifested in the form of upper back pain.I will expand upon this point, but first, a little background: The reason the 'work' point has been stubbornly coming up day after day for me is because I am essentially 'working' all the time. Meaning, I am living, applying myself, focusing on my goals for the day and the future. Even when I relax it is work, because it is done in awareness as self-work.

Within this, my definition of 'work' is not the usual one we have all come to know so well, which exists within the polarity of work and play, where work is the opposite of play. I am pushing for living my re-definition of the word 'work', and the Osho cards have been supporting me immensely. My re-definition of the word 'work' involves a fluidity and a flow, a balance and an ease within me, within the understanding that work is love made visible. The letters in the word work then stand for Wholly Operating Reality Knowledge, where I am fully present, wholly operating within physical reality with a knowing, or a knowledge and awareness of the points my mind is super-imposing on to that reality.

Yesterday, while working in the kitchen for many hours, I noticed the points that were coming up and affecting me physically. When I looked at the thoughts that were creating the tension, I was able to deduce that I was going in to the desire for my work to please others. Instead of simply walking and enjoying the steps in a relaxed and easy manner, I began to go into judgments and criticisms about what I was busy with. I imagined all the 'what-ifs' and different disapproving reactions from the people I would be serving.

Several hours in, @gian walked in and checked in on me. I told him about the pain and the tension and he released it from my back. Within discussing with him, I was able to bring in more awareness to what I had been doing so automatically. He explained to me about 're-setting', giving myself a fresh moment to simply stop, let it go, and start the moment anew from a fresh starting point. This implies simply letting it go, which is what this card can support with.

My mind was busy while I was working, and I did not question it's activity, but instead went right into it, believing it to be real, to be true, to be who I am. I was reacting as if the thoughts in my mind would unquestionably come to pass, instead of simply observing my mind objectively, letting the thoughts go, being amused at the ridiculousness of such thoughts. This is what I understand from the 'Turning In' card.

This is a multi-faceted point for me, which I have been living my whole life. It has proven to be a stubborn one that is deeply programmed into my living, but I am up for the challenge. Writing is invaluable, in that, without the understanding and the road map of what not to do, how to navigate what my mind throws as me, and what to do about it, I would certainly become lost in the tangled mess it appears to be when we don't take it piece by piece and sort it out.

Note: I am walking a process of self-change using the tools of support offered by www.Desteni.org. I am taking the course called DIP Pro. In this course I learn how to take every day moments and find ways to make myself a better, more understanding and well rounded human being, the kind of human being I would like to see in this world. "Be the change you want to see" is a cool saying, but actually doing it is a bit more confusing because people tend to believe that you can't change human nature. I believe you can, because I have seen myself changing to someone I've always wanted to be. Not there yet, but my motivation is fueled by the proof I have given to myself, which I have documented online every sep of the way, in my blogs and on youtube. DIP Pro requires serious dedication and commitment, it is ot for the faint of heart. If you want to test the waters for yourself, try the Lite version, it's called DIP Lite, and the best part is, it's free! Why? Because Desteni puts individual self-change above profit. Why does DIP Pro cost money? Because it costs money to exist in this world, and takes a dedicated team to run the program. Otherwise it would also be free.
Visit www.Desteni.org