Giving Birth to my Daughter - Giving Birth to Myself - My Pregnancy Story pt 1

 As I have been joined on this Journey to Life by a New Life, which is my daughter Celest, I have decided to start focusing again on my journey to life blog. I have allowed myself to wander off-course, focusing on other things, like the end of a rope frayed in many different directions.  I've been trying to tend to all the ends instead of weaving them back together into one main line, One Focus and stronger for it: Who I Am - where everything flows from this point and focus. 

Having given birth to Celest has been the catalyst to giving myself a second chance and a fresh start. After I gave birth, I got many congratulations and people telling me they are proud of me and how well I've done. This felt really good to hear, but getting pregnant and giving birth is not exactly an accomplishment - it's not necessarily something to be proud of. It actually involves very little on behalf of the parents - it is the physical body takes on the task and does all the work. So if anything, I am proud of my body for what it accomplished, now THAT is quite an amazing feat. What I did was to support my body, and I can be proud of that, while my partner created an environment within which to place my body, he relieved the stress in my life and so in my body, and he prepared a home within which we could bring a new life, and he should be proud of that. Come back to me in about 18 years if you want to know if I am proud of myself as a mother. Only then will I really be able to look at that! 

I use the word 'catalyst' to describe the pregnancy/birth process, and now having a little one in my care, because I do not place the responsibility of 'how I feel about myself', 'what is my value' and 'my worth' onto this child that is now in my life. It is not 'because of her' that I have felt worthy of my own forgiveness again, but the pregnancy, and birth and now having her has shown me and reminded me of certain parts of myself that I had forgotten about or had been denying myself. 

I had, over the years, gotten to a point of feeling 'unforgiveable' and 'unchangeable'. This is after years of having nothing really work out in my life and according to my assessment. The experience of giving certain jobs, projects or commitments my All, and then falling apart and/or  having the thing fall apart as well, failing over and over again at times where I should have known better, feeling betrayed and believing I deserved it, and other such examples of the things that bring us down in life (things we ACCEPT and ALLOW to 'bring us down'). 

Within and towards the end of all of this, I had several miscarriages. I was fighting feelings of shame and feeling undeserving of such a gift as a child. There had been events in my life occurring at and around the same time which part of me was digging myself int a deep dark pit about, and the miscarriages were like the kick while I was already down. I began to access a certain morality about it, thinking things like 'only those deserving of it will be gifted a child by life '- which apparently meant that I was obviously undeserving, as I was only experiencing miscarriage after miscarriage. All to say, I was at a pretty low point.

I say that only "part of me" was digging myself into a hole, it's because there was always that part of me that stood (or sometimes barely held on) - that part of me that trusts myself, that believes in myself, that holds myself dear. It's like this understanding that, as low and dark as you can go in your mind, you know that that is not all of you, and when those parts of you are brought to the surface, you have the opportunity to forgive and change them. However, when I stopped writing for myself, I went into a point of  'too much-ness' - as if too much had accumulated and it is  'too much' and 'too late', and there is no way I can now catch up and get my bearings within it all. It felt as though I just went blank and started to live day by day with this giant boulder on my shoulders, and that all I could really focus on was getting through the day. 

However, the events that took place in the months before, during and after my pregnancy and birthing process allowed for a point of opening up and remembering, slowing down within myself, like my feet touching down on the ground and within myself again. You do not have to go through the actual birth of a child to give yourself a fresh start. For me, the birth was simply a catalyst. with the pregnancy and then the birth, and now having a daughter where the element of 'choice' is taken away in so many ways.  

I will share about this experience more, but for now I herein recommit myself to my Journey to Life.

Candy Crush #BACKTOSELF: micro blog from Desteni Universe

#BACKTOSELF

I have been playing Candy Crush for quite some time now, and I sometimes get comments like "you know that game is mostly luck right?", or that it is "set up on an algorithm" to entice you to spend money.

I do know that, but I decided to keep going regardless, without spending any money, because as I was playing I kept on having what I now call 'Candy Crush Life Lessons'.
For example, I was on this one level where I simply could not make any moves that would advance me, due to how the candies were falling. It was as if the game was forcing my hand, giving me no options but to run out of lives before I got anywhere.

I got to a point where I became frustrated and just wanted to give up, or just quickly loose all my lives so that the algorithm would change. But then I thought: sometimes LIFE deals you a really bad hand, where it looks like you just don't have any options, and it feels like you are going nowhere.

And so I looked at it as if it were life, and asked myself: "Who do I want to be in this situation should I encounter it in my life?" And my answer was that I wanted to be someone that does their BEST regardless of how bleak the outlook.

As we all may or may not know, Who We Are in the small, seemingly insignificant moments is the same person we're going to be in the 'big important' ones.

And so what I did was I practiced other skills while repeating the same level over and over. I practiced planning, predicting and strategizing. Finally, obviously I was able to pass the level after many attempts, as if the game decided it wasn't going to get any money out of me this time, essentially giving up before I did!

What I noticed was that, once I started moving on again, I now had new skills and was able to do better on the following levels. What it showed me, and what I have in fact applied elsewhere in my life, is that when we're in a seemingly 'dead-end' situation, like a job we don't like and know we're not going to stay there, we can either coast through (essentially a 'giving up') until it's finally over and we somehow get out, or we can make the best of it, push ourselves to learn new skills, develop weaknesses into strengths, or take that time to set ourselves up for something better.

This way, we play on Our Terms, where we are using the time we have as effectively as possible, even if the future or next step is uncertain. You can either sit and coast/give up, remaining unsatisfied and complain about the current situation, or you can seek out or create opportunities to learn, expand and grow.

If you choose the latter, you set yourself up for Life to present you with new doors to walk through, or you will create a door for yourself, walk through it, and come into the next phase of life now armed with new skills, qualities and abilities that will serve you in your new role.

Candy Crush has also taught me about persistence, perseverance, not giving up, not holding on to undirected wealth, when to give it my all and when to wait for the right moment, among many others!
For more Candy Crush Life Lessons, check out Creation's Journey to Life blog:

Day 402: Candy Crush Saga: A Giant Evolutionary Jump in Education

Day 14- Giving Up

Blog 2- DIP Lesson 8- Giving Up

            “It’s the small things that make it huge”

My points of giving up in my life currently are not grandiose feats which I try my hardest to complete and then fail, and fall into giving up. They are small, tiny things that are extremely ‘sneaky.’ Before Desteni, I would not even have considered them to be points of giving up. But now, as I slow down my  mind I can just scarcely see these small points where I start something and then manage to find some way or reason or excuse to not complete the thing.

            The memories I have in relation to this are giving up on running, wherein I used to do long-distance cross-country running and I excelled at it. It was hard and uncomfortable, but there was always a part of me that knew I would have pushed myself a little harder and I would have seen how far I could go with it- just to know. But instead I dropped it for no real reason except that I could.

            The second memory is giving up on college. I didn’t push myself through, instead, I quit. I just stopped going and eventually flunked out. It’s as if I reach a point where it’s not easy anymore, and I foresee that it’s going to take effort and there’s no guarantees that I’m going to make it and not fail. I’d do it if it were easy or if I had to. But if it was hard and I had to rely on myself to motivate, push and discipline me- forget it.

            This is a bad habit that I’ve developed over the years, and one which I have been breaking down and writing through with my DIP courses throughout my current experience of taking classes at university. In looking at these past memories now and at my current situation, I see that my tendency to give up is closely related to future projections, wherein I project into the future about possible failure, and then I give up before I even start. This is akin to giving up at the starting line, thus making the statement “I may fail so I won’t even try.” It’s very safe, yet at the same time it removes one from the ‘game’, or from life altogether, because you just sit on the sidelines and do nothing as life passes by. I will not accept this tendency within me.

Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the idea of ‘giving up.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought of giving up to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe ‘giving up’ exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with the idea or thought of giving up as soon as I think of a task I want to do, because within this ‘wanting to do it well’ I overwhelm myself by using future projection wherein I project perfection and then immediately face the polarity of failure and then initiate the energy/thought/idea of ‘giving up’ before I even start.

I usually do what I need to do regardless of the participation within and as ‘giving up,’ however, it becomes a battle throughout the entire task wherein it takes twice as long and in worse scenarios ends up incomplete or poorly done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project an ideal of perfection when I move to do something ‘good’, thus creating a daunting task instead of taking the task one step at a time and doing what I can and doing it well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not living up to my own standards of perfection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disappointing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting myself down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and my ability to walkthrough tasks from beginning to end because they seem daunting when I project perfection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to do something and then doubt my ability to do it well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my ability to move myself without succumbing to the influence of the self-created experience of giving up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to succumb to forms of pressure from my environment which I allow to lead me to giving up, such as people or events.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the delusion of perfection and of ideas of grandeur when I begin a task, because they usually later overwhelm me wherein I lead myself to give up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the delusions of horrible failure, wherein I imagine consequences that are way disproportionate to what they are actually possible of being in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use excuses and justifications in order to CONvince myself that giving up is okay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesitate before starting a task, thus giving myself the opportunity to slip into my mind and make that shift into thoughts, ideas and excuses instead of simply taking a breath and beginning,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesitate for a moment thus allowing myself to activate the self-created systems of habits and patterns wherein I create the energetic experience of ‘giving up’ which I accept and allow to overcome me and give up either immediately or eventually.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become directed by the fears and doubts which lead to giving up, instead of directing myself in every breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘giving up’ to exist in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need or desire to give up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to fears and doubts, accepting and allowing myself to believe that the experience of wanting to give up is ‘more than’ and ‘more powerful’ than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would rather conform and compromise than facing myself and my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perform tasks within the energetic experience of ‘giving up’, thus making it seem harder, more difficult, more strenuous and longer instead of breathing Here and performing tasks within specificity, effectiveness and efficiency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to and define myself by memories of ‘giving up,’ specifically memories of quitting running and dropping out of school. I allow myself to let go of these memories and delete them, as they do not serve me in any way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by the energetic experience I have associated and attached to memories of giving up from my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to recycle energetic experiences from my past in relation to giving up, by constantly and continuously rehashing and bringing up old memories of times that I have given up on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that giving up is who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that I can push myself through any task because I have let myself down and given up on myself in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rehash and bring back my past because it’s more comfortable and safe to re-live what, who and how I have already been, rather than walking fearlessly into an unscripted future, wherein I directly script myself as who and how I can accept myself to be, in order to create a me that I can unconditionally accept.

I realize that the moment of wanting to give up is a moment of transcendence and in this moment I have the choice to stand up, or to fall back into an old pattern within which I will cycle me through everything I have already been through, only ten times worse, wherein standing up will become more difficult. I realize this entire cycle is unnecessary and completely avoidable so long as I apply myself in every moment.

I realize that ‘giving up’ is an energetic experience of the mind that is not bigger or more powerful than me, and when and as I walk through it, I am actually walking through my own acceptances and allowances and actually changing me, and I realize this is not going to feel ‘good’ or comfortable or familiar.

When and as I see myself hesitate before a task, I simply take a breath, get up, and move me.

Giving up

-disappointment

-discouraged

-routine

-comfort

-breaking point

-escape

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘giving up’ with ‘disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘giving up’ within and as the word ‘disappointment’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘giving up’ and from the word ‘disappointment’ by defining the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘disappointment’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words ‘giving up’ with the word ‘discouraged.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘giving up’ within the word ‘discouraged.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the words ‘giving up’ and from the word ‘discouraged’ by defining the words ‘giving up within the word ‘discouraged’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘giving up’ to the word ‘routine.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘routine.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the words ‘giving up’ and from the word ‘routine’ by defining the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘routine’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘giving up’ to ‘comfort.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘comfort’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘giving up’ and from ‘comfort’ by defining the words ‘giving p’ within the word ‘comfort in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘giving up’ to my breaking point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the words ‘giving up’ within ‘breaking point’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘giving up’ and from my breaking point by defining the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘breaking point’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘giving up’ to ‘escape.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘escape.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘giving up’ and from ‘escape’ by defining the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘escape’ in separation of me.

Giving Up:

Dictionary Definition:

1. A verbal act of admitting defeat.

2. The act of forsaking.

Sounds Like:

GIVE I UP

New definition:

The act of forsaking my individual I of the mind/ego of self-interest wherein I accept and allow my ego to admit defeat so that who I am as Life may emerge and stand as all as one as equal.