That outstretched hand! Grabbing, pointing, reaching, pulling, pushing - it is the main way Celest can communicate her wants and needs at the moment, and thus impose her will onto her reality and the people and things within it. With that, I have been thrust into the world of 'can' and 'can't', 'may' and 'may not', and into a phase where I have had to define and perfect my "Yes's" and 'No's" when I am communicating with her.
I learned the hard way that there are 'shades' to the word 'no' when I decided I was going to be very strict with certain things that are just dangerous (like electrical outlets) and give a 'hard no'. A 'hard no' means 'no', 'never', 'no compromise', 'absolutely not ever'... It is very absolute.
Celest's reaction to my approach was not great. Not only would she have a meltdown each time, but it was almost as if she was even MORE drawn to the thing I was saying 'no' to. I was creating a 'forbidden fruit' scenario, and Celest was starting to become sneaky about it (running away with little choking hazards, giving me big rebelious eyes). On top of that, with simply saying 'no' with no further explanation or understanding, it felt as if I was not only cutting her off from a part of her reality, but also from a part of me. It was as if a wedge were being driven between us each time, where there was once a close-ness, there would instead be a divide, a moving away.
I took a beat to process this - and a beat is really all you get - having to process large amounts of information and decide an approach, sometimes within seconds!
I recalled my redefining words process with SOUL (Redefining Words with SOUL), where I first learned to bring in defining more of a variation for the word 'no', where it is not so black and white, but rather like a gray scale, 'shades of 'no'.
For example, there is "no - not right now", "no - not like that", "no - not yet" and then more rarely "no - not ever", for certain things that are physically impossible, for example - but then again, there is always a reason. I found that throughout most of the day, the word 'no' is really a 'no - not yet'/ 'not right now'/'not like that', simply because Celest lacks the understanding or physical ability to do something safely, and so it is just a matter of time, patience, preparing, or first a learning that needs to take place, and then it will become a 'yes'.
With all the variations of the word 'no' I was using, I saw that Celest still did not like to hear it! 😅 Her whole body would collapse at the sound of the word, as if her world is falling apart in that moment that she does not get to experience the thing she had her heart set on. With this, I decided that despite the fact that Celest won't necessarily understand my words, that she would pick up on Who I Am within them. I started to take a moment to not only explain to Celest which variation of the word 'no' I was using, but also the reason why. I would get down to meet her at her level, giving her a moment and holding within me that I understand the disappointment, the frustration, and the loss that she is experiencing. I am embracing what she is going through - not trying to stop or prevent it, but instead allowing it to flow through her so that she can also process it. Then, after a moment and with no reaction, I would calmly explain the reason why, and then direct us to the next activity or focus.
With this, Celest changed completely. Yes, she still does not like being told 'no', but when I do it this way, she let's go of her reaction very quickly and she pulls into me. There is understanding, empathy, closure, and moving on, and we become closer.
Since I began working this way, my bond with Celest has strengthened significantly. The sneakiness and hiding has disappeared completely. Instead of running away with things she knows she's not supposed to have or touch, she now brings them to me for me to show her what to do with them. It feels more like we are a team navigating this reality together, instead of rivals participating in a powerplay against one another.
From an adult perspective, these things the child is being denied and their reactions towards them may seem trivial, but to them, they are very big feelings to process, without first having any skills to do so. Babies are already dealing with so much just with growth, development and the physical changes they go through every day. Having to also take on the emotional reactions they experience for the first time can be very overwhelming!
When we take the time to choose our words, define our words, clarify and purify our words to create an understanding and communication that honors and respects the child's will and agency, we are already establishing the skills that are necessary for them to effectively navigate life's challenges with stability, confidence, certainty and trust. The point of being a parent is to teach, guide and prepare the child for their eventual empowerment, and the responsibility that goes along with it. Because it WILL come, and when it does, you'll want a child that can navigate their emotional body as they develop their autonomy, independence, empowerment and agency in the best way - for themselves and everyone else. That is a LOT of implications packaged into such a small word as 'no'!
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