Day 53- All I Exist as is a cast of Characters

It’s cool because this realization that all we all are and have ever been is a cast of characters playing out the script we have written for ourselves in our own Hollywood movie where we are the star has really strung together a lot of self-forgiveness I have already realized within myself. It answers questions like, why do we act/react one way in one environment surrounded by certain specific people, and then another way in another environment? Why do we fear doing something for the first time? Because we have no memories to script ourselves with in order to know which character to be. Why do we fear to call others out on their bullshit? Because they might turn around and call us out on ours, because in reality, each is only wearing the mask of the character that they are in that moment, and each validates, accepts and allows all others to keep their characters in an unspoken agreement that we all participate in. And these characters seem so real that we actually become them as we believe them to be who we are.

When I look at this baby I know, I see that she does not have any characters- she is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I look at a 3 year old that I’m close to, and I see her designing her characters- based on the reactions and feedback she receives from those around her- what behaviour gets her attention, which actions give her approval, what makes her feel good, where can she exert control, etc… And then I look at a 5 year old who I’ve watched grow up, and I see already formed characters where the same pattern repeats itself every time- to the point where the parents/family learn how to cope with his characters and end up manipulating the environment to avoid the troublesome ones and encourage the good/likeable ones, the ones that make US feel good too. Within observing these children, I can see how I created my cast of characters over time. The fact that we don’t remember scripting/designing/creating the characters we play can give the impression that they weren’t scripted, designed or created at all- but are rather who we really are- however- it is apparent that they are in fact nothing but characters and acting and thus- not real. If each one of us were to stand up as who we really are as Life, we for sure would not put up with all the bullshit we do today- from ourselves and from others.

So, the only thing to do now is to call out all the characters, pull them out and expose them in order to be able to forgive them and let them go so that we can find out what is behind them. What human potential has been limited and suppressed for so long due to the limitations we have imposed upon ourselves through playing mere characters and role instead of living, breathing and expressing us as who we really are- one and equal to everything and all that is here. From here on out, my journey to Life will involve calling out the characters I have designed and played out for myself, because they are limited and limiting and I will not accept or allow myself to exist as anything less than who I am.

For more context on how we have existed and created ourselves as nothing more than charaters on a stage, chaeck out these other blogs:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-79-stepping-out-of-character.html?m=1

http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/looking-for-more-of-myself-day-78.html

http://earthsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-44-character-game.html

http://rozelledelangeblog.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-22-me-as-main-character-within.html

http://journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-79-kill-buddha-hes-just-character.html

http://mayaprocess.blogspot.com/2012/07/my-life-as-character-overview-day-79.html

http://spiritualjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-45-characters-i-allow-as-self.html

http://malingunilla.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-79-im-nothing-but-character.html

Day 35- I'm Not A Witch!

Today the prominent point I experienced was the experience of not speaking because of the self-observation that when I speak- it is not yet who I am. My last two blogs were about role-playing, wherein I have developed over time, the habit/pattern/coping mechanism of suppressing my natural self-expressions in order to play roles or personalities in an attempt to avoid conflict, in order to get what I want, because of fear of self-expression and due to pre-programming as socialization, family etc… so now what is coming up as a result of this realization, I have become more aware of who I am NOT. I am NOT these roles I play, and have played my entire life. So now, in a given situation, when I go to act/speak/participate, it’s like- there’s nothing there. When I give in to the experience of wanting to speak for the sake of social queues or whatever, I usually end up saying something that I am unsatisfied with because it is self-dishonest: it is speaking for the sake of filling space, speaking because of social pressure (either real or self-created), speaking because, for whatever reason, I feel I should, speaking to appear normal and fine (this is the one I’m going to focus on).

I often find myself speaking to appear ‘normal’ (whatever that is) and ‘fine,’ because, since I started my process of learning, understanding and applying the tools I learned from the Desteni website, I have been very much changing internally. However, I found I have had the tendency to ‘keep up appearances’ to/towards friends/family/community because of the fact that the status quo is very much accepted and embraced and thus I have been socialized as such, and a fear exist within me to go against the grain. A group such as Desteni or Equal Money is very much seen as scary, a threat, weird/bizarre/cultish and has provoked hostile reactions towards me. I understand these reactions because I went through the same socialization process, and if for some reason I was not able to see through this to actually hear what Desteni are saying, I would feel the same way. So I look at myself as this socialized being that I am- scared, closed minded, defensive and judgmental, ready to cry ‘witch’ and ‘cult,’ and I think to myself: this is impossible. Yet here I am, applying the Desteni tools (self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-corrective application) in my daily life, thus I am the living proof that this is possible: Even the most stubborn people can learn to question their internal experience as something they are entirely responsible for, question reality and what we accept and embrace as the status quo, and to actually move themselves to hear, learn, apply a different way of being. I am that type of person that I fear- closed-minded, judgmental, group-think/pack-mentality type, scared, defensive: I accepted and allowed all of that behavior to exit in me. I saw it prominently within myself in highschool, in elementary school, with friends in my youth etc… and now I play the role of ‘normal’ and ‘fine’ because I fear that person that I am, the one who would organize a witchhunt to persecute someone like me. I am that because I still have that in me, and it scares the shit out of me. I see now that this is the basis of it all: fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in extensive fear of myself and what I am capable of, and fear that others may be capable of the same things toward me, such as judgment, hatred, resent, fear and blame wherein I fear another will actually act out on these internal experiences and persecute me, either inside themselves or externally in actual reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have participated within judgment, hatred, resent, fear and blame throughout my life without realizing the consequences of fear/keeping everyone locked in fear/fear of standing up/fear of change I was creating for myself and for others by consciously, unconsciously and subconsciously participating within such mind patterns of judgment, hatred, resent, fear and blame within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in judgment, self-judgment, resent, hatred, fear and blame and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing judgment, self-judgment, resent, hatred, fear and blame to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being persecuted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ostracized.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected and outcast by friends/family/society.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become as my mind/ego/human nature of fear, survival and competition, wherein I want nothing to change because I am surviving right now the way things are, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to fight to maintain this status quo because it appears to be working out for me. because it's all I know, and because I fear ending up as one of the poor/starving/suffering in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself and my own human nature and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the human nature of all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that human nature cannot be changed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that people will more likely persecute, ostracize, reject and outcast me then take responsibility for their own human nature, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather persecute, ostracize, reject and outcast myself than take absolute self-responsibility for my human nature as my creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myown creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create, manifest and participate within all these fears and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play roles due to these fears, because I believe that if people see me change, they will resort to human nature and attack/persecute/ostracize me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others seeing my change as a threat or judging me and thus expressing hostile behavior towards me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as ego to see my self-change as a threat and judging myself as it and thus expressing hostile behavior towards myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this internal battle inside me of playing roles and hanging onto this image due to fear, instead of just letting go of the image and the fear and living for the first time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing because I don’t know who or how I will be and so I rely on the role I’m habituated to playing, so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall in to habitual roles instead of standing up from within them and changing.

When and as I see myself going into fear based on how I may be perceived I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that I am only fearing myself, and the nastiness I have accepted and allowed within me, and I realize that nobody has the power to harm me as Who I Am except me. I realize I can be hurt physically, but there is no point in fearing that. Who I Am is Here, and no amount of judgment or rejection or expulsion can diminish me.

When and as I see myself going into roles due to the fears of how others will react to my change, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that there’s no options except self-honesty in the moment- because that is the only option whose consequences I can accept and allow.

I commit myself to eradicate fear from within me so that I may stop suppressing myself and instead express and live me.

I commit myself to be/become the living proof that human nature can change.

I commit myself to discipline myself within expressing self-honesty, even if it calls for many awkward silences.

I commit myself to redeeming myself as a human being, by proving to myself that I will not accept anything less than who I am.

Day 18 - The Presence of Another

            Sometimes when I’m alone I feel fine, but then someone will enter into my presence and I will become stressed, as if their presence causes me an internal reaction. I understand that my internal experience of myself is entirely my creation and responsibility, and that no one can ‘cause me’ to feel a certain way, so for today’s self-forgiveness I will take apart this pattern wherein I react to the presence of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the presence of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that the presence of another causes me to feel a certain way, specifically tonight, stressed.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my internal experience of myself, wherein I do not investigate the reasons for my reaction within the justification or excuse that it has been caused by an external environmental change, instead of realizing that the presence of another is reflecting me to myself, and I am really reacting to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within and as stress in the presence of another because I’m not sure who I am ‘supposed to be’ when I’m with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that I need to be or act a certain way because I’m not alone anymore, or because I am sharing my immediate environment with another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change for other people, instead of remaining stable within and as myself, as Who I Am, even If I am not entirely certain as to Who I Am yet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself as Who I Am in the presence of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being myself in front of another because I am so used to being or becoming ‘someone else’ for the sake of another, wherein I act in certain ways to ‘keep the peace,’ or to try/attempt to create a friendly/fun/happy/nice environment for the other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try/attempt to manipulate myself/my environment/another being in order to try/attempt to create an certain specific experience or mood that I find appropriate/comfortable/safe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the mood/reactions/stresses of another being in my presence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the cause of the mood/reactions/stresses of another instead of realizing that I don’t have that kind of power, and that they are responsible for their own internal experience and I mine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that Who I Am is not good enough, fun enough, happy or exciting enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that I am not enough instead of accepting myself as I walk my process of self change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility and self-direction when I am in the presence of another because of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the fear I create within me when I am in the presence of another by trying and attempting to ‘make it go away’ by changing who I am, instead of standing up from within that fear and standing stable as a statement of self-responsibility and self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that changing who I am can change my internal experience of myself, instead of realizing that I cannot escape myself by playing a role or pretending I’m something I’m not. I see, realize and understand that this will only cause me more internal turnoil and will accumulate further consequences as a more intnse/increased version of what I am experiencing tonight, at a later time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing another being to dictate who and how I am.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand as Who I Am due to the fear that I will have to stick up for myself and  face the reactions of another because I am behaving differently than I usually do because I am not playing out my usual patterns of becoming something or someone I’m not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to explain myself and my change in behavior because of self-doubt, wherein I give my power away within the want/need/desire for the validation of another in order to validate me as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future within and as the fear that I will not be validated by those in my environment, because I am acting differently than I normally do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire validation from a source outside of myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be the living realization that only I can validate me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the want/need/desire for peace/fun/’happines’/excitement within my environment above or greater that me Standing Up from within the patterns I have created myself as.

I allow myself to validate me and stand as Who I Am as Life.

I commit myself to standing as equal and one to myself and to others in my environment and all that’s Here by standing up from within the fear that I have thus far accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as.

I commit myself to be/become a pillar of self-support, as well as support for others by standing up as Who I Am and not accepting and allowing anything less from myself or from others.

I commit myself to change my nature from patterns, habits and reactions to a being that is Here, in awareness, and who understands and lives the principles of oneness and equality.